Wait for Uber After Festival Lasts Longer Than Festival

Posted on by Charlie Carey

CHICAGO — Local Pandemonium Fest attendee Sam Garcia waited longer for an Uber to pick them up than it took the festival to begin, end, and break down most of the stages, impatient sources confirmed.

“I mean, I paid $250 and the drivers keep canceling. Sure all the roads are blocked off and there’s thousands of people also waiting for an Uber, but these companies should be able to figure out how to get me to my hotel,” Garcia said as they stood in the crowd at the only exit from the festival grounds. “I only live half a mile away. It would probably be quicker if I just walked to wherever the Uber was, so it can take me home. Looks like the closest one’s three miles away at this point.”

Rideshare driver Bert McClaine defended the long wait times.

“I drive for several different apps and noticed this meatball requesting and canceling different ones after seeing I was 15 minutes away. Whenever I actually make it over to the designated rideshare pickup spot seven blocks from the festival, no one is there and I’m forced to cancel after a few minutes,” McClaine explained. “Anyway, I would only be getting about $4 out of the $250 for the whole thing, the app takes the rest. It’s not really worth it at that point, I’ll just go pick up some drunks at the bar on the other side of town and hope they remember to leave a tip on the app several weeks later.”

Jamie Davis, another festival goer, didn’t seem to have any trouble getting home.

“I didn’t have any problems whatsoever. I rode the bus, it took half an hour. Weird that the bus was almost completely empty,” Davis said. “Although I did have to wait in a line at the festival for five hours just to get a beer. That was about eight bands’ worth of stage time I missed. But it was totally worth it to have something to hold while I watched the two sets I was able to go to.”

At press time, Garcia was seen still waiting for an Uber while screaming about how no one wants to work anymore.

Opinion: Everyone Else’s Shower Is Weird

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

Look, I don’t want to start a flame war or name names. But if you have a shower in your home, and you don’t live with me, your shower is weird. End of story. How do I know this? Because without exception, showering in other people’s homes has always been one of the most disorienting experiences of my life.

Let’s start with the basics. Why does everyone else’s shower require some weird trick to turn it on? How many PhDs do I need to make water come out of this faucet? It should obviously just be the kind where there are three knobs total and the middle one is to turn the shower on. This is also known as the normal kind of shower.

Plus, everyone else’s soaps and toiletries are in the wrong place! The CORRECT placement is to put the facewash on the northeast corner, shampoo and conditioner on the southwest corner, a wash rag AND a loofah which should be hanging from the rack thing that you suction cup onto the back wall. Do I really have to explain everything?

I’ve been in some showers that are so weird I’ve gotten confused and done my shower routine in the wrong order. There is nothing more devastating than forgetting whether or not you’ve already washed your face. Should you wash it again to be safe? Or just leave it and hope for the best. At this point the day is already shot so you may as well call into work and tell your boss that something horrible has happened because it has.

Personally, I prefer to have a normal shower. White tile, a sliding door (NOT a curtain), the regular number of toiletries, tub floor not too dirty but not too clean either. Normal showers also have a small spider in the upper left corner of the ceiling that watches over you and makes sure you’re showering right.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shower like a regular person, which is more than I can say for any other person on this horrid planet.

Parents Force Punk to Wear Studded Cone to Keep From Licking Off Flea Treatment

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PITTSBURGH — The parents of local punk Donny “Kebab” Babcock fitted their son with a special studded cone around his neck to prevent him from licking off his monthly flea treatment, amused sources confirmed.

“We figured if we put the medicine right under his rat tail and there would be no way he could get to it, but sure enough, he cranes his neck and flaps his tongue around, and licks the stuff off in two seconds,” said Babcock’s mother Carrie-Ann. “We finally found him a cone he will actually wear and it’s been a lifesaver. It does have its downsides, though. He doesn’t have good body awareness and the cone has knocked over a few lamps, and when he eats he gets food in the damn thing and I end up having to wash it off with the hose in our backyard.”

Babcock believes the cone is unnecessary and assured his parents that he will stop interfering with this parasite medicine.

“I can’t fucking figure out how the straps work that keep it secured and I look like an idiot. I tried looking in the mirror but I just ended up confused. And I tightened the thing to the point I can barely breathe. It’s nearly impossible to smoke a cigarette unless my mom loosens it again,” said the bug-infested punk. “I keep telling them that they could just start using flea medicine that doesn’t taste as good and I’d stop messing with it. But the Frontline that they use has the delicious taste of battery acid and burnt plastic that I love. If they made it peach-flavored or something then I wouldn’t go near it.”

Doctors who specialize in treating punks say cones are just one of the many methods parents can use to deter their dirty children from obstructing treatments.

“Cones are always a great option, but if your punk has a leg wound they might still be able to lick at it even with a cone on, your best bet is to cover the wound with a pair of tight jeans. Just make sure you have a clean gauze pad over the wound,” said Dr. Mitra Reddy. “Also, one solid option is giving them calming drugs. They fucking love taking drugs. Every punk I know will just consume whatever I give them without asking questions. Sedating a punk is extremely easy, since they always want to be as fucked up as possible.”

At press time, Babcock was rewarded for his good behavior with his favorite pack of cigarettes covered in peanut butter.

Review: Dead Cross “II”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Supergroup Dead Cross is back with their second studio album “II” and nothing gives us more joy than criticizing other people’s creative work.

Ever wonder what you get when you mix hardcore punk and thrash with Mike Patton and members of the Locust, Slayer, and Retox? Well, wonder no longer because you get the wildly talented Dead Cross. Their latest album “II” totally rips too. This band may be incredible, but they’re not nearly as good as Mike Patton’s other supergroup called Buh-Bye.

Unfortunately, Buh-Bye was short-lived so not many people remember them. If you don’t recall, the band consisted of every member of 7 Seconds, Deftones, and *NSYNC at the same time. Sure, the music was otherwordly, but the choreographed stage moves during live performances were what really got me. Never knew I needed a collaboration between the Faith No More singer and Joey Fatone until this one.

As good as they were though, they were not nearly as exciting as Patton’s other side project called Manly Men. They were a little more mainstream than Buh-Bye and the band featured members of TSOL, Bauhaus, and the old guys from that “Macarena” song. I think we all remember Manly Men’s song “Pastel de Helado” which completely swept the nation that one summer. Great, now that incredibly catchy tune is going to be in my head for the rest of the week. Boy, Mike Patton really knows how to handpick the right talent for his musical projects.

But of course, none of these bands were as memorable as Pancake Batter. Remember them? They had members of Alice in Chains, New Order, and that Make-a-Wish kid who wanted to form a band with Mike Patton as his one wish. Legendary. As we all know, Mike can’t for the life of him turn down side project opportunities and non-profit foundations, so this one was a match made in heaven. Their song “Legomaniac” even charted on the Billboard Hot 100. Thankfully, little Joey Hubbard pulled through, so I’m hoping we get to hear a few more bops from this band in the near future.

All that said, Dead Cross is definitely in the top 50 Mike Patton side projects of all time. Just not sure where’d they officially rank among them. I guess we’ll just have to wait to hear his upcoming musical side project featuring members of his gastroenterologist team.

Score: 10 out of 10 Patton-fronted supergroups

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Band Tight on Cash Announce Album’s 11 Year Four Month and Three Week Anniversary Show

Posted on by Zach Raffio

CHICAGO — Beloved pop punk four-piece Soft Lozenge announced today a very special performance of their self-titled debut to celebrate its 11-year, four-month, and three-week anniversary, sources realizing they’re short on cash confirm.

“This album has meant so much to us, and celebrating like this is a dream come true. A dream coincidentally the week before rent’s due,” noted singer Mitch Herck, hastily writing the show date in sharpie on some plain white t-shirts. “The timing may seem a little unorthodox, but hey, we’ve always been a band that’s willing to go against the grain. We hope fans enjoy singing along with us as much as we’ll enjoy paying our cell phone and electric bills.”

Drummer Maxine Timmers suggested the show after seeing how much the record still means to fans, and after finding out you can only ask for an extension on your Invisalign payment three times before they threaten to take your retainers back.

“Chicago, I hope you’re ready to get fucked up. This is going to be the party of the year. And great news, we are accepting cash for our merch, but we also got one of those Square readers so now we can take cards. No checks though, this isn’t 2004,” she said, while pointing to a sign with a link to her Venmo and a QR code for tickets. “I can’t believe this little record of ours has hit the legendary 587-week mark. Thanks for being a part of it, and seriously, no checks.”

Longtime fan Debra Harrin bought her ticket immediately, but was confused by some of the details.

“I adore the album, but starting the show at 2:00 a.m. just because there’s free parking from 1-3:30 is a bit much,” noted Harrin, who also attended their six-year, eight-month, and four-day anniversary show when the bass player’s car needed work. “I heard the guitarist’s day job might be downsizing, so I hear they might start doing these anniversary shows once a week.”

At press time, Soft Lozenge was considering an emergency “remastered” re-release of the album they can’t afford to actually remaster.

Girl, He’s Clearly a Dracula, Dump Him!

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Girl, you know I want to see you happy. You deserve it. You deserve gold-plated diamonds, dogs made out of money, and that promotion you’ve been talking about. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten, and even then, you had the worst taste in men. But this guy is wrong for you. As your friend, I just need to say: girl, your boyfriend is clearly a Dracula. Dump him already!

Seriously, girl. Have you even seen that man of yours? His fangs are like a mile long! That dusty-ass black cloak he’s always wearing hasn’t been laundered in a century, I promise you that. And his weird claw-nails are always gross as hell, especially when they are framed in shadow against a staircase as though he is prey on not just bodies, but souls. Never date a man who has worse nails than you, girl.

Pardon me, but that deserves a round of finger-snaps.

Remember when he got mad at that waiter at Olive Garden who didn’t bring him four olives in that disgusting dirty martini he always orders, so he bitched him out and asked for the manager and then drank his blood because he wouldn’t give us a discount? Then he howled so loud that a pack of wolves surrounded the Olive Garden parking lot and he tried to say it wasn’t some big as fuck dogs, but “music of the night?” Not classy, girl. Not classy at all.

Yeah, I know he got us our appetizers comped because of that, but that doesn’t make it cool, girl. It just makes his Transylvanian butt cheap.

And what’s up with that giant-ass medal he wears all the time? What, did he win an award for most scrub-ass Dracula? It is straight-up peacocking that he always is strutting around with that, boasting that Vlad Tepes cried when he didn’t get invited to his birthday party, acting like that Van Helsing guy didn’t beat his ass when he caught him sleeping in his filthy crypt.

Girl, I do not know how you were able to get it on in a coffin with that Dracula loser.

You know what? I heard that Wolfman is single. Let me introduce you! He’s a beast, girl!

Defending Pop Punk: This Lawyer Has Gotten Six Bands Acquitted of All Charges

Posted on by Zach Hudson

You won’t see him spinning a guitar on stage, he hasn’t been featured on a single album, and he’s not sliding into your DM’s at 1:00 AM after his band plays in your city, but lawyer Robert Corelli is a true unsung hero of the pop punk community.

In just the last three years, Corelli has gotten six of the biggest names in pop punk acquitted of all charges, allowing these bands to continue to tour, record new music, and blow up your Snapchat.

Corelli has a personal connection to the scene, having played in multiple pop punk bands before eventually realizing he could make more money and work less hard by taking a job at his dad’s law firm. But his commitment to the scene is unwavering. His catchphrase “though you swear the allegations are true I still pick my clients over you” speaks for itself.

If you’ve seen Sidewalk at an all-ages venue after 2020, you have Corelli to thank. Homeschool Dropouts’ new album that’s set to drop early next year wouldn’t be happening without Corelli. Not only did Corelli get the singer from Penalty Box off on all charges, but he also counter-sued all four women and won! Clearly the word “lose” isn’t in this legal powerhouse’s vocabulary.

It’s no wonder that just about every band in the scene has or wants Corelli on retainer; and with a reputation like his, that certainly doesn’t come cheap. But Corelli’s deep love and respect for the pop-punk scene has never allowed him to leave a band high and dry just because they can’t foot the bill. Corelli’s free legal clinic for smaller bands “She Said She Was 18, Now What?” is offered virtually every six months. Wow, what a guy!

Corelli was unavailable for an interview due to the ongoing court case against Homecoming Romance guitarist Nick Noman, but fear not, because based on this lawyer’s track record the band will be back on the road again in no time.

Due to a growing demand for his services, Corelli has recently announced he is starting his own law firm and is actively recruiting and hiring attorneys with experience in defending musicians. If anyone deserves to wear a “Defend Pop Punk” shirt, it’s this guy.

Weed Snob Fills Bong with Evian

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

LOS ANGELES — Software Developer and self-described “weed snob” Aiden Crispin exclusively fills his bong with chilled Evian, sources rolling their admittedly red eyes confirm.

“I see no problem with doing whatever it takes to get a clean, flavorful high,” said Crispin while meticulously grinding his nugs with a mortar and pestle. “L.A. County water just doesn’t have the right TDS–that’s total dissolved solids–for peak profile top notes. See, when the cloud goes through the bong, it kisses that water with a high heat, and it comes up through the chamber better than when it went down. I’ve tried just about every kind of water you can buy. Blind taste test. And Evian just has the right mineral content to make the weed taste better and get you higher than other competitors. No question.”

Not everyone who knows Crispin is impressed with his level of detail while consuming marijuana.

“Aiden can be really annoying about how he gets high,” said Mike Fernandez, a friend who plays Magic the Gathering weekly at Crispin’s Silverlake bungalo. “One time I was filling a bong in the sink and he slapped it out of my hands so hard it shattered on the floor. He said he’d rather break the piece than tarnish it with bad water. Thing is, he has the best weed I’ve ever smoked. So I put up with his dumb house rules.”

Experts in the legal cannabis industry say that in the last few years, the scrutiny consumers put on both the product and methods of consumption has wildly increased.

“I think it’s a combination of too much money and too much time on their hands,” said Gabby Hanson, budtender at Santa Monica dispensary Among the Clouds. “It’s always tech bros who come in and ask about the terroir’s mineral levels or the name of the person who cut the crop in production or the chemical breakdown of the terpenes and shit. Seven years ago you had to wait around in a Ralph’s parking lot for a dealer named Loco to sell you dirt weed. It’s crazy how fast people have taken all the fun out of getting high.”

At press time, friends say Crispin was blowing up a group chat about a bag of cocaine he scored that was processed with 93 octane gasoline.

Straight Edge Cop Torn on Whether to Plant Drugs on Suspect

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

TARZANA, Calif. – Straight Edge LAPD Officer Donald Harvey could not decide whether to plant narcotics on a man from Reseda after an altercation Friday evening, witnesses in the neighborhood, many of who have recently woken up in pain and covered in illicit drugs, confirmed.

“I pulled a suspect over from driving erratically with a Biden sticker on his window, and right away he starts mouthing off about his rights on account of us having our guns drawn. My partner put him in a choke hold and the little baby passed out almost immediately. He scratched my arm pretty good, which is technically assault,” explained Officer Harvey. “At that point my partner tells me to hurry up and shove some crack in the guy’s ass. I reminded him I’m straight edge. He knows I’m morally opposed to mind-altering substances like that, but if we could bust this perp for drugs it would really simplify our paperwork later. This is a real brain bender.”

Harvey’s partner, Officer Jerry Washburn, insisted his partner needed to lighten up.

“I get that it’s important for him to live a certain lifestyle, but it’s just getting too much. And it’s not like every person we pull over gets beaten and has drugs shoved up their rectum,” added Washburn. “A couple of weeks ago we were at a bachelor party in Vegas and he refused to lick tequila off of the stripper’s tits. It was embarrassing. I think he may be the only officer in the precinct to not have fucked a prostitute in the squad car too. It would just make everyone a little more comfortable if he wasn’t such a pussy.”

Local straight edge patriarch Bill Hutchins noted that the key to keeping edge was to focus on what you put in your own body.

“Theoretically speaking, it’s technically not an edge break to forcefully insert drugs into someone else. Being straight edge is all about maintaining a pure body for yourself, and ultimately what other people do, or what they have done to them, is irrelevant,” stated Hutchins. “Now, if the person he’s planting drugs in is also straight edge, that is a different situation altogether. If this is a straight edge on straight edge assault then the officer might be culpable. So he needs to look for Earth Crisis tattoos, or the Minor Threat ‘Out of Step’ tattoo before doing anything crazy.”

At press time, Officers Harvey and Washburn were seen hazing a rookie cop for refusing to pull over a black kid on a bicycle because he “wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

Opinion: Just Because I’m Straight Edge Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Start a Bar Fight

Posted on by Sara Mellas

I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs. Never have, never will. People seem to have a hard time with that concept. They either get nosy and ask what I used to be addicted to or they congratulate me for “staying sober.” When I clarify that I’ve never had a problem, people usually take that as a green light to nudge me to have “just one drink” or “fun.”

When I tell people I’m straight edge, they think I’m being condescending or judgmental. Also, I don’t think Gen Z even knows what straight edge means. Then again, who knows what straight edge means these days? So, on nights like tonight when I don’t feel like fielding questions, I just keep drinking my seltzer with lime, letting everyone assume it’s a vodka tonic. Patiently waiting for the perfect moment to incite mayhem.

See, just because I’m straight edge doesn’t mean I won’t start, and end, this bar fight.

I paid a cover charge to get into this bar and the band is not playing my $12 worth so it’s time for some real entertainment. I don’t need drugs and alcohol to have fun. And I definitely don’t need them to start a bar fight.

From the moment it starts it’s so exciting! Fighting drunk strangers gives me a thrill like no other. I’d do anything to keep experiencing it regardless of the cost to my personal life and the safety of those around me. You might say I’m addicted to fighting. You might. Not me.

That said, it’s almost 11:30 and things are starting to get a little too rowdy for my enjoyment. I better head out and walk to my car, which is exactly where I remember parking it, and safely drive home. What a fun night! I can’t wait to get to work early tomorrow feeling rested and hydrated. Cheers!