RICHMOND, Va. — Local clairvoyant Brian Tilton allegedly possesses the ability to perceive one’s destiny but ultimately turns up seeing no future at all, multiple curious sources report.
“It seems as if every time I try to gaze into the future, I see none whatsoever because all evidence shows we are a damned species on a dying planet,” Tilton said before reiterating that he prefers to go by his professional name of Punk Rock Edgar Cayce. “As I peer into the vomit-filled toilet bowl of mystery, all of what I see is dire and bleak. It could be the fact that the current world climate is nothing but a cesspool of melancholy and despair that makes the future seem so shitty, or maybe it’s because I’m drunk right now and seeing doubles of everything and the room won’t stop spinning. Either way, I’ve been given this gift, and I aim to use it for the good of mankind.”
Rachel Reynolds sought out the services of Tilton in order to get some mystical insight into her future endeavors.
“I was at one of those psychic fairs at the Holiday Inn and that’s where I met Brian,” Reynolds explained. “I was feeling pretty good about my new job, new place, and new relationship, but that dude really made short work of that. Basically made me feel like shit about everything. He just kept singing ‘no future for you’ from that one Sex Pistols song over and over. I’m beginning to think he’s not a clairvoyant at all. I mean, I paid him 70 bucks for that bullshit! Thanks, douche.”
Local expert on prophets and seers John Rourke revealed that clairvoyants are often not who they make themselves out to be.
“Many alleged soothsayers of past and present haven’t actually predicted anything,” Rourke said in a clearly fake European accent. “A so-called seer by the name of Baba Venom claimed to be the world’s first heavy metal clairvoyant, but mostly just told you if you are or are going to be a poser based on what you were wearing at the time. Also, a clairvoyant who was really into ska was said to have foreseen the Less Than Jake song from that ‘Good Burger’ movie, but only made the prediction years after it came out. Last I checked, you can’t predict the past.”
At the time of press, Tilton was seen making the wildly accurate prediction that the girl you like won’t make it to your show.