Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Antitrust Lawsuit Orders Taylor Swift To Be Broken Up Into 10 Smaller Artists

Posted on November 12, 2022 by Sam Eardley

WASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission filed an antitrust lawsuit against pop star Taylor Swift, alleging that she now holds a monopoly over American music and should be broken up into ten smaller artists, righteous sources confirmed.

“When Ms. Swift achieved the unprecedented feat of holding all of the top 10 songs in the Billboard Hot 100, we knew we had to act,” explained FTC spokesman Gavin Pettifer. “In our view, Ms. Swift now essentially amounts to a cartel. Her musicianship and business acumen have been criminally colluding with her everywoman accessibility, wilfully suppressing competition and flooding the market. Breaking her up into ten depressingly mediocre artists will clear the ground for previously marginalized acts to thrive: your garage rock ‘n rollers, your teenage rap singers, your Gavin Pettifer Banjo Extravaganzas, to name just a few.”

Francisca Quevedo, a member of Swift’s management team, admitted that the musician has not been cooperative in complying with the ruling.

“We have been trying desperately to come up with new alter egos for Taylor that will be less dominant in the marketplace,” said Quevedo nervously. “But no matter what terrible concept we give her, whether it be sea shanties in the Danzig voice, or beatbox Beefheart, she just petulantly spins them into highly replayable radio bait. This morning we workshopped a character called Haggerty Flatulenza, who exclusively burps Neutral Milk Hotel songs into a kazoo. We uploaded a Haggerty song to an anonymous SoundCloud account an hour ago, and fuck, ten million streams already. Back to the drawing board.”

Pop music historian Daniel Adeyemi warned that in taking on Taylor Swift, the FTC may have a battle on their hands.

“Historically, Taylor has not taken attacks like this lying down,” explained Adeyemi. “It goes without saying that the FTC will get a crypticly scathing song written about them on her next album. Then she’ll probably do some kind of gloriously petty power move like re-record ‘Fearless’ and ‘Red’ even though she’s done that once already. Frankly, I can see her eventually going full Scarface and just mowing down these guys with sharpened Grammy awards as they come to take her away.”

At press time, millions of Swifties were exchanging fan theories about possible hidden meanings and easter eggs in the lyrics of Swift’s surprise new drop “FTC: F*** Those C****.”

The Hard Times Guide to Not Commenting “Wow, Talented and Beautiful” on a Female Guitarist’s Video

Posted on November 12, 2022 by John Danek

It’s difficult to go to YouTube or Instagram and not be bombarded with stunning women absolutely shredding math-rock riffs or neoclassical leads on sick Stratocasters. As a modern-day gentleman, you may feel the compulsion to share your thoughts on the performance with some variation on, “Wow such a talented AND beautiful lady! Wife material, right there!” Here’s how to stop fucking doing that.

Here is The Hard Times’ guide to not commenting like a deranged incel on women guitarists’ social media:

Sit on your hands
When you get the urge to begin typing your first uncomfortable compliment, remember that you are never going to meet this woman. Nothing you say will benefit you in any way whatsoever. So just sit on your hands until the urge passes. Click the Like button if you absolutely must engage.

Direct your energies elsewhere
If you really cannot stave off the urge to comment, open a new tab, type in www.thegearpage.net, and start a thread about how there is no audible difference between EL34 and 6L6 amplifier tubes. You’ll quickly replace your creep urges with nerdy aggression, which is substantially better for everyone involved.

Attempt to see her as a living, feeling human being
If you’re in need of this guide then this will likely be your hardest step, but I implore you to try anyway. These guitarists don’t practice for thousands of hours just so random chuds will compliment their boobs and thighs. They want to share their art and talent with the world. Please recognize that their music is the only thing that is directed at you.

Delete your accounts
If you’ve made it this far and still find yourself commenting things like, “Wow I wish I could be that guitar’s neck,” it’s time to quit cold turkey. Delete your accounts. Destroy your laptop. In fact, go work on an oil rig with no internet. Practice your own guitar. Anything. Just stop commenting.

12-Year-Old Merch Prodigy Discovered From Posting T-Shirt Folding Videos Online

Posted on November 12, 2022 by Sara Mellas

SYRACUSE, N.Y – Local middle schooler Caleb Sanderman gained national attention this week after posting a now-viral video where he demonstrated a savant-like ability to fold and pack band merchandise.

“I started folding clothes when I was six or seven. My dad would always take the clean laundry out of the dryer, put it in a basket, then forget about it. I taught myself how to fold everything and arrange it into nice piles,” said Sanderman while folding a shirt, ripping off a small piece of masking tape, and marking the garment’s size. “I was inspired by videos of merch guys like Big Johnny and Lefty Luke. Those guys can fold like nobody else, and they can stand so still while a band performs. I asked my mom if I could start my own YouTube channel and things exploded from there.”

Caleb’s mother Christina Sanderman remarks on her son’s early abilities.

“He’s always loved soft goods. When he was a toddler he’d sit and watch the clothes spin around in the machine for hours. When he got older we offered to sign him up for music lessons or a sports team, but all he wanted to do was fold,” said the supportive mother. “At first we thought that was a little weird, but then we realized how much time and money it would save us. We could never have predicted he would go viral and become such a sensation. But the kid has a gift, and the work ethic to back it up. We’re just so proud of him.”

Sanderman’s videos caught the eye of veteran merchandise personnel manager Joel Baclaran, who immediately signed the prodigy.

“The minute I saw Caleb’s videos, I knew he was something special. Sure he’s young, but I wasn’t gonna let talent like that pass me by. I’m going to run him through some drills like ‘sold out of mediums’ and ‘exact change only’ to get him ready for the bigs, but this kid has it all,” said Baclaran. “I’ve managed the careers of over 100 merch guys in my life, and not a single one came close to Caleb’s skill level until they were pushing forty. If this is what the kid is doing at twelve, I’ll be booking him on world tours in no time.”

Venue managers are already in a bidding war to sign another YouTube sensation. A recently uploaded video of an eight-year-old girl yelling at a garage band for sounding terrible has people thinking she has what it takes to make it as a sound technician.

12 Hidden Easter Eggs In Twin Peaks

Posted on November 12, 2022 by Rob Steinberg

Twin Peaks is a show shrouded in many mysteries. Many moments have secret meanings that often go overlooked. That’s why we compiled a list of the 12 craziest Easter Eggs from the groundbreaking show.

That Gum You Like Is Going To Come Back In Style

The Man From Another Place saying “That gum you like is going to come back in style” is a reference to Cooper’s favorite coffee flavor, Pumpkin Spice being back on the seasonal menu. It is very subtle, but the audience can notice Cooper actually never drinks coffee. Instead, he chews it and spits it like some sort of hot liquid bubblegum.

Mr. C

Evil Dale Cooper’s overall look confirms the decades long rumor that Agent Cooper was originally supposed to be played by Glenn Danzig.

Garmonbozia

Garmonbozia, a sustenance of some spirits and synonymous with “pain and sorrow,” is made to resemble creamed corn as a way of David Lynch telling us that there is no greater hell than an elementary school cafeteria.

Lawrence Jacoby

When Lawrence Jacoby is on screen it’s an indication for the audience to put on their 3-D glasses.

One-One-Nine

119 is a reference to the infamous CalArts classroom where many animators for Twin Peaks lost their virginity.

Phillip Jefferies

Despite many claims about the third season, David Bowie was not recast as a tea kettle. He merely showed up to the set refusing to take off the Tea Kettle costume he was wearing. An exasperated Mark Frost eventually gave up and let him wear it to the shoot.

Agent Cooper’s Tape Recorder

The cassette tape in the recorder Agent Cooper repeatedly talked in was not a blank cassette but rather the cassette to “I’m the Baby Gotta Love Me” by Baby Sinclair of the show “Dinosaurs.” One of the many references “Twin Peaks” made to Jim Henson’s work.

The Black Lodge

The iconic Black Lodge was designed to look just like the green room at Hollywood’s famed Improv comedy club. Rumor has it Lynch slept there one night after getting into a physical altercation with comedian David Brenner.

This Is The Water And This Is The Well

“This is the water and this is the well” is originally a line from the Twin Peaks Nick Jr. spinoff in which a cartoon Agent Cooper teaches children what a well is and how you can drink from one.

One Eyed Jacks

The Brothel/Casino owned by Benjamin Honre is called One Eyed Jacks. Nadine Hurley also has one eye. Does This Mean Anything? Are we reaching too much for this one?

Slimer

The Black Lodge entity Slimer is based on Mark Frost’s and David Lynch’s deceased friend John Belushi.

Punk Contractor Builds World’s First All Basement House

Posted on November 11, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Local contractor Sidney Laird did the impossible by constructing the very first all basement house in existence, astonished sources confirmed.

“Basements have always felt like ‘home’ to me, so I wanted to figure out a way to make homes feel like ‘basement.” I always find myself in all manner of rooms thinking ‘why can’t this room be a basement, too?’ So it was just a matter of time before I followed my dream to its logical conclusion,” said Laird while admiring his work. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The kitchen’s a basement, the half-bath’s a half-basement. Even the attic’s a basement. It brings a tear to my eye even talking about it.”

The construction crew was wary of taking on such an arduous and seemingly impossible task, but eventually came around to Laird’s vision.

“I took one look at that blueprint of his and figured that kook was off his damn nut. I thought it was a pipe dream, that it couldn’t be done” said foreman Harrigan Valentine. “I kept lobbying for a den, a hallway, a breakfast nook, anything else, for the love of god…but at the end of the day, I knew in my heart I couldn’t be the obstacle in the way of the guy’s mad genius. And I’m glad I didn’t, because now I’m a small part of history.”

Frank Langley, the head of the family of five who were set to move into the all-basement home, was not quite as enthusiastic about the design.

“Oh, I’m pretty pissed. We weren’t consulted at all, and now we’ve sunk a fortune into a house that’s like twenty basements and each one smells weirder than the next. It would have been nice to know that our new home was going to be a big architectural Frankenstein experiment,” said Langley while angrily gazing at the popcorn ceiling. “And I mean, there’s literally not even any bathrooms, because the guy says ‘bathrooms aren’t basements.’ My life is a fucking nightmare.”

At press time, Laird said he was willing to pay back Langley by installing an Olympic-sized flooded basement in the backyard to swim in, free of charge.

Inspiring! This Man’s Tesla Was Stolen, so We All Chipped in To Make Fun of Him

Posted on November 11, 2022 by Nick Ortolani

The road of life is full of ups and downs, peaks and valleys, and other geographical metaphors. When times are tough, it’s imperative that we band together to help one another out. That’s why when this man’s Tesla was stolen, we all chipped in to make fun of him and boost the overall morale of our community.

In Chinese, the word for crisis is the same as the word for opportunity. To the man who owned the Tesla, the theft was a crisis, for it contained his identity. But to the community, it was an opportunity to point out that no adult should willingly purchase a vehicle whose primary selling points are onboard Karaoke and catching on fire.

Nevertheless, that didn’t stop us from seizing the opportunity to band together as a community and viciously ridicule Thodd for having what is essentially a suicidal iPad on wheels stolen from the sealed garage of his upscale New York apartment building. Sure, Thodd was upset beyond words, but he owns (or owned) a Tesla, so his feelings don’t matter.

In the weeks leading up to the car’s glorious theft (and hopefully eventual murder), Thodd was brimming with adulation for both the car and, in his words, its inventor Elon Musk. He was convinced that Musk was the world’s foremost thinker, capable of solving all of Earth’s problems, both material and ethereal.

Imagine our glee when we lambasted Thodd’s faith in a man who couldn’t even invent a theft-proof car. Take that, you gullible idiot!

Thodd had spent every last cent (or whatever it’s called) of his Bitcoin on the car. Imagine waking up one day to find the one thing you spent all your fake money on just…gone.

Hillarious.

Thodd had only had the car for four full days before its sweet, savory theft. And in that period, he had revamped his wardrobe with exclusively Tesla-branded clothing, clothes which now surely remind him of the stupidest and worst thing in his entire life. The look on his face when we say “Woah, cool jacket man!” every time he walks by is god damned pricelss.

When times are toughest, we realize just how deep our network of support goes. We were all here for eachother when what we needed most was to make fun of a trust-funder going through their life’s only obstacle.

Nu Metal Fan Proudly Showing Friends Every Time He Can Be Seen In Woodstock ‘99 Documentary

Posted on November 11, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local Nu Metal enthusiast Clark Cannon is forcing anyone in his life with a Netflix account to pull up the documentary “Trainwreck: Woodstock ’99” so he can point out every instance he can be spotted amid the chaos and violence, unamused friends report.

“You can see me clear as day in the front row for Korn and again when they show a clip of security escorting me away after I jumped the barricade during Limp Bizkit,” Cannon said after turning a friend’s birthday celebration into an impromptu watch party. “It gets really good around the thirty-five minute mark you can see me setting fire to a merch booth while Flea is flopping his penis around on stage and then again around one hour I can be seen pushing over an AV scaffold, there were a lot of us there but you can clearly tell I am doing most of the heavy lifting.”

Cannon’s acquaintances, however, are not nearly as impressed as he hoped they would.

“Pointing out that you were caught on camera in a fistfight with a Buckcherry fan isn’t the flex Clark thinks it is,” said coworker Bryan Moran while deleting Cannon from his phone. “I didn’t know him back then and if I had, I’m sure I would probably still hate him now. Maybe I’d forgive him if he regretted it now, but he’s almost forty and thinks using an anti-gun violence candle to burn an ATM while Godsmack performing in the background is a brush with fame. I don’t think he quite caught the tone of the documentary.”

The film’s director Jamie Crawford actually remembers Cannon from the editing process.

“We actually had, like, hours of b-roll of that guy and we had to cut a lot of it to avoid an NC-17 rating. It was like he actively tried to get caught on camera doing something illegal,” Crawford said after seeing a still of Cannon attempting to loot Collective Soul’s tour bus. “It’s funny how easy it is to spot him since he and like six-thousand other white guys are all wearing JNCOs and an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt. But every time received more footage of the weekend, there he was, many times with his dick out, other times just screaming ‘fuck the Backstreet Boys.’ His junk is burned into a memory.”

As of press time, Cannon was said to already be pouring over the other Woodstock 99 documentary “Peace, Love, and Rage” frame-by-frame and found his lack of screen time “egregious.”

Where Are They Now? The Beers I Told My Roommate Not To Drink

Posted on November 11, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Where are my beers? They’re, like, all gone. And there’s no way my roommate drank ‘em because I remember explicitly telling Piss Dan not to. PD knew I was saving those for Saturday, so there’s no way my roommate drank the beers I told him not to drink.

Sure, one time Piss Dan ate all my groceries. He downed an entire rotisserie chicken and a bag of pepperonis while I was putting away the ramen. But he didn’t have a job then so I understand that. And yeah, one time he used all my toothpaste to paint a mural of Jimi Hendrix when he was on mushrooms, but art requires sacrifice.

I tried retracing my steps as soon as I noticed my brews were missing. My beers were beside my guitar, but my guitar, pedalboard, extra cables, and full stack are now in PD’s room. But that doesn’t mean my beer is in there. If it weren’t such a violation of his trust I’d check Piss Dan’s room, but how could we continue living together if he knew I went through his stuff?

None of my emergency beers were in the toilet tank, either. Who else besides me could possibly know where I keep those?!

Wait! Are those my beer cans in the recycling? That’s so weird! I don’t remember drinking them, but I must’ve. I can’t believe I was climate-conscious enough to recycle my cans when I was clearly so blacked out that I didn’t remember drinking them yesterday!

Morrissey Cancels Tiny Desk Concert After Ari Shapiro Microwaves Chicken Tikka Masala Leftovers for Lunch

Posted on November 10, 2022 by Dave McNamara

WASHINGTON — Anti-immigrant crusader Morrissey abruptly canceled his appearance on NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series one hour before he was set to perform, citing “the foul smell of curried death” coming from the NPR staff lounge, confirmed sources who wish they brought a sandwich to work.

“I’m not some kind of special diva when it comes to performance. I don’t need a crystal goblet of green M&Ms or anything like that,” said Morrissey from his tour bus. “The only thing I ask is that the audience and staff, and anyone that might enter the venue, abide by my rigid stance on the murder of innocent animals. Also that no one talks to me directly, looks me in the eye or mentions Johny Marr’s name within earshot. And for the love of God keep your barbarism out of the microwave, that smell wafts. Hell is an enclosed space that smells of reheated poultry flesh.”

All Things Considered Host, Ari Shapiro regrets his lunch decision and sent a heartfelt apology to the show’s fans.

“I’m really very embarrassed at how the whole scene unfolded. I was running a little late this morning, I knew I’d be in meetings all day so I just needed something quick for lunch,” said Shapiro when discussing his reheated leftovers. “More than Morrissey canceling, I’m embarrassed that I ordered the most basic and pedestrian item on the India Palace menu and now the whole world knows about it. If I could go back in time, I’d have certainly gone with an aloo gobi or a spicy dal. I’m quite mortified actually.”

A spokesperson for PETA immediately issued a statement on the unfolding scandal.

“We applaud Morrissey’s decision to cancel the performance in light of this grotesque contribution to the leftover-genocide,” said Jenifer Greene, PETA’s media liaison. “But honestly we’re trying to distance ourselves from the Morrissey brand these days. Over the last several decades, he’s been able to do some great work but unfortunately due to the negative associations the public has with him, we’d appreciate it if he’d stop mentioning us in interviews, wearing our logos, and offering to perform at our benefit concerts.”

Update: Morrissey tweeted an apology to his fans for the canceled performance followed by half-a-dozen xenophobic remarks on the vulgarity of “ethnic cuisine.”

High School Metal Band Adds OFFICIAL to All Social Media Channels in Case Impostor Accounts Ruin Their Good Name

Posted on November 10, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

LONGVIEW, Wash — High school metal band DeathRot added the word OFFICIAL to all of their social media handles in order to prevent fradulent accounts from ruining the band’s reputation, according to sources with nothing better to do than pay attention to high school metal bands.

“Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, you name it,” said DeathRot Singer Eddie Tsu while leaning against a locker at Mark Morris High School. “Adding OFFICIAL to our socials is just the first step, because if we don’t get ahead of the scammers now, there will be no stopping them. We just hit our 100th follower too, so the clock is ticking. I already asked my parents to loan me a few thousand for copyrights on band names, lyrics, logos, tour names, movie rights, and all kinds of stuff. Put down a deposit on a state-of-the-art private jet too. I also need to register our songs with ASCAP, because I’m pretty sure that Slipknot already lifted a few riffs from us on their latest album.”

Some of Morris High’s staff praised the band’s questionably savvy online behavior.

“It’s a great idea. The entertainment industry is a meat grinder, and simply being a great musician isn’t good enough,” laughed Franklin Mullins, who teaches both orchestra and business classes at the school. “Brand awareness, merchandising, omnichannel promotion, customer segmentation, SEO… these things are considerably more important than practicing scales or whatever. It’s all about generating content to feed the algorithms to sell products more effectively. Playing music that people like does help, as does not being literal teenagers, but in 2022, having a firm grasp on your brand’s social media presence is exponentially more important.”

Despite the fact that no one cares, DeathRot’s updated social media handles had an effect on the local counterfeit market.

“It’s so much harder to sell fake DeathRot shit now,” said teenage metalhead and bootlegged merchandise entrepreneur Steve Clark. “And it’s not like I was moving a ton to begin with. I’ve made some money off of their name to be sure, but I legit think people were confusing them with a much better and more popular band. I had to actually promote their shows myself just to build up interest in bootlegged and easily mistakable merchandise. It’s fucked up.”

At press time, a much cooler high school metal band was overheard calling DeathRot posers for even having social media accounts in the first place.