Report: Scariest Looking Dude A Straight Edge Vegan Pacifist

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Initial intimidation of the 6’ 7 muscly, bearded, heavily tattooed man with his arms crossed was subsequently squashed as word spread of his veganism, pacifism, and straight edge lifestyle, report guests of New England’s most recent hardcore fest, “Cause-core”.

“His looming presence was really freaking everyone out. Like a big dead tree that you’re sure the headless horseman is gonna burst out of,” said fellow festival attendee Blayne Lavoy. “When I saw the Xs on his hands, and that the only thing he could eat out of the vending machine was Oreos, I was still a little scared cus straight edge vegans are actually known to get violent as fuck. When he calmly led a fly to an open window and politely asked it to leave, I knew I was safe.”

Surprised that anyone felt confident enough to approach him, “scary dude” Matt Rennick reported being very aware of his effect on people.

“Since puberty I’ve definitely noticed people’s frightful looks when I enter a room. Getting into heavier music and tattoos didn’t help the cause, so I spent years giving everyone kind-eyed ‘smizes’ to prove I’m a decent guy, but that just made my face hurt,” said Rennick. “I’ve been straight edge and vegan for twenty years, but after countless small dudes came at me for nothing more than the ‘fought a huge dude’ story, I recently found passive methods of conflict resolution. The only thing I’m brutalizing lately is that medicine ball at Crossfit.”

Scene elder Richie Vasquez explained the positive effect Rennick’s stature has on these local shows.

“We started letting him in for free since he saves most shows from needing an extra bouncer. He’s actually bigger and scarier looking than most bouncers, and although he wouldn’t actually lay hands on anyone, just by standing there, existing, he keeps these little shits from “crowd-killing,” said Vasquez. “I’ve seen this many times in my day. Sure, his ancestors may have pillaged some villages, but luckily for all of us, this sober guy just likes his riffs crunchy, his celery crunchier, and his demeanor as calm as a lake at dawn.”

At press time, the bar and non-vegan food vendors miss out on thousands of dollars in sales as Rennick gives disapproving looks to attendees in their lines.

QUIZ: Did You Actually Like ‘Hey Arnold!’ Or Were You Just A Weird Kid Into Smooth Jazz?

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

“Move it, football head!” For some, this iconic line immediately evokes memories of the classic Nickelodeon cartoon ‘Hey Arnold!’–starring a far-out New York pre-teen named Arnold with, well, a football-shaped head. The show followed the cool-as-a-cucumber protagonist and his equally hip best friend Gerald as they explored coming of age in the city that never sleeps, often finding themselves in silly shenanigans and mischievous mishaps that a typical kid could laugh and relate to.

If you were a weird kid who just happened to really like Jazz at the age of eight, the show probably tickled you for different reasons, like its bevy of bass lines and horn ensembles. This quiz will help you figure out if you were actually a fan of the show or just a future ponytail-sporting, jazz-loving weirdo.

Question 1: Who was your favorite character from Hey Arnold!

A. Arnold or Gerald
B. Any other kid from P.S. 118
C. Arnold’s Grandparents Gertie and Phil
D. Dino Spumoni

Question 2: What was your favorite memorable moment from Hey Arnold!

A. When Helga kisses Arnold at their school play
B. When Arnold and Gerald play hookey from school and end up missing a super fun Carnival Day
C. That super depressing yet philosophical speech from the Pigeon Man
D. The scene in the first episode where Arnold and Gerald toss out their fruit costumes and come out dressed in fresh digs from Roscoe’s Funky Rags Emporium

Question 3: How would you describe the theme song from Hey Arnold!

A. I don’t really remember the theme song, I watched the show for the plot and characters
B. It was fun! I liked it as a kid.
C. Dreamy, burnin’, delicious. The type of licks that would make you flip your lid, daddy-O.
D. In a key of C♯/D♭and a major mode with a tempo of 43 BPM.

 

 

 

 

Key:

Mostly A or B: You were a regular kid who enjoyed the silly hijinks and life lessons of Hey Arnold!

Mostly C: You were a precocious-yet-misunderstood hepcat who all your friends found slightly arrogant, but perhaps still respected.

All D: I hope the rest of your childhood was okay. If you’re not actively an alto sax player in a big band, I’m guessing you’ve at least dabbled with smack.

Live Nation Adds Fee For Looking at Tickets But Not Purchasing Them

Posted on by Zach Hudson

PHOENIX — Live music fans both locally and across the nation are expressing their concern over a new Live Nation policy that charges customers for looking at tickets, even if they decide not to purchase them.

“I’ve been on the fence about attending the Lemon Car show next week. I really want to go but money is tight right now,” said local connoisseur Katie Hogan. “I logged in to my Live Nation account to just check and see how much they were, and next thing I know, I have a $19.99 ‘browsing fee’ charged to my credit card. I disputed it thinking that it was an error, but nope, they’re really doing this now. Guess I’m definitely not going to the show now, even though I’m mentally battling the sunk-cost fallacy as we speak.”

Troy Scott, box office employee at local venue The Lincoln, reported some unsettling changes to his workplace environment since the policy was implemented

“Ever since Live Nation started doing this, they hired these guys to stand in the corner of the box office and make sure I’m charging people who come to the window and don’t buy tickets, even if it’s just a tourist asking where they can get coffee nearby,” said Scott. “It’s super uncomfortable, they just stand there with their arms crossed looking at me for hours. I’ve never even seen them blink. I hate it here. If you know of any places hiring, please let me know.”

Live Nation Vice President of Sales John Brooker fired back at fans voicing their complaints.

“If you can’t afford to look at tickets, you can’t afford to go to the show,” said Brookern while smoking a comically oversized cigar. “If you don’t like it, go see a show at a different venue. Oh that’s right, you can’t, we own all the venues in your city. Go ahead and cry about it, go ahead and boycott us. I’ll add a $75 ‘Indignation fee’ for every time one of you little worms complains. You and I both know we’ll see you at a Live Nation-owned venue in a month.”

At press time, sources reported that the Live Nation Board of Directors criticized the policy, saying that it didn’t go far enough, and that a fee of $19.99 was “letting these little piggies off easy.”

Easy Recipes You Can Make in 15 Minutes, Assuming You’re Not Depressed

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Think you don’t have enough time to make dinner at home? Think again! These healthy and delicious recipes can be made in just 15 minutes, just so long as you’re not perennially struggling with depression and its most prevalent symptoms.

You can do this. You’re not going to, but you can.

Shrimp Tacos
Slice a few chilis, cook a few shrimp, and squeeze a little lime for an instant flavor journey south of the border and under the sea! However, it may take longer if your counter space is cluttered with takeout boxes and clothes intended for donation.

Chia Seed Smoothies
A good breakfast lends itself to a good day. And this one can do wonders for your heart. The hardest part? Plugging in the blender. Plus then you have to clean a blender, so fuck it.

This is even more difficult if finding and purchasing the chia seeds was your most significant accomplishment in the past three months. Either way, you’re never going to get through the whole package.

Cranberry Almond Spinach Salad
“Raw” doesn’t have to mean “boring.” This light and tasty salad can be prepared in a matter of minutes. Granted, “minutes” might turn into “hours” if the mere thought of opening the fridge fills you with insurmountable dread.

Lentil Soup
Nothing satisfies quite like a warm bowl of soup. And it’s even better when you make it yourself. Keep in mind you’ll need to dice an onion, a task, which, depending on your mental health, might as well be crawling naked on broken glass. Alternatively, you could just cut the onion until your eyes have watered enough to simulate actual crying.

California Pizza Kitchen Organic Chicken Pesto Pizza
We get it; sometimes, things are really hard. While this, like many other frozen meals, is high in sodium. It’s balanced out some by other nutritional elements. And you just need to preheat your oven to 450 degrees and put it in for 10 minutes. We promise you’ll feel better once you do it. Maybe you can pair it with some San Pellegrino and pretend you’re on a Mediterranean adventure? It’s either that or trying to find any therapists in your network who are taking on new patients.

Man Falls in Love With Girl at More Affordable Rock Show

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SAN DIEGO — Aging millennial Tim Baxter announced that he fell in love with a girl at a much less expensive rock show after being spurned by exorbitant prices for the Blink-182 reunion tour, multiple friends confirmed.

“I’ve spent the better part of a decade longing to indulge in a nostalgic meet-cute situation like when I was younger, but I can’t go dropping half a mortgage payment to see Blink in this economy. So I just paid $25 to see two no-name bands at a club downtown and I’m pretty sure I just met my next wife, suck on that, gougers,” said Baxter. “I mean, she’s the whole package and we have so much in common, like our nearly identical skateboarding scars or how our knees crack every time we kneel to pick something up.”

Baxter’s friends have long accepted his frugality, but were still shocked that he’s not willing to splurge for once in his life.

“Tim pulls these stunts all the time. This is just like the time we all wanted to go to Vegas for my bachelor party, and he was busting our balls about going to Reno instead. We keep telling him Blink is worth it: Tom is back, Mark beat cancer, and there will definitely be MILFs with faded Warped Tour tattoos. And this idiot turns around and says he met someone at a dive bar seeing shit band called Neutral Milk Hotel California. Fucking weird, dude,” said longtime friend Kurt Shelton. “I mean, I’m happy he still found someone and spent under three figures on the whole night, but he needs to live a little.”

Venue bookers around the country are looking to capitalize on show-goers like Baxter, citing a need for reliving the glory days on a budget.

“I’ve no doubt that every show in Blink-182’s tour will sell out, and good for those who want to burn through that kind of dough. But for the rest of us living in the real world, people want to get their kicks without having to sell a vital organ on the black market. I follow the reunion tour circuit and snag gigs and bands for fans with a more constricted budget. And baby, business is booming,” said local promoter Casey Williams. “For every Blink and Misfits show, I’ve got A Day to Remember and Blood on the Dance Floor on the lineup down the street. And hey, if romance blooms in the pit, even better.”

As of press time, Baxter’s new romance had already fizzled out, and he is currently trying his luck at the pop punk karaoke night a few blocks from his house.

Man’s Tattoos Too Generic To Identify Body

Posted on by Matt McInerney

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – Local authorities are still trying to identify a body that washed up on the banks of the Connecticut River last week but ran into a roadblock when they realized the victim’s tattoos are too generic to pinpoint, stumped sources confirmed.

“It’s not uncommon to use tattoos as a form of identification in situations like this,” explained Nathan Fisher, a local coroner. “Usually, I’m looking at some sort of bespoke work. Or at least something that makes sense, like an anchor on a sailor. But god, this guy just has a nonsensical mashup of nautical stars, skulls, roses, clocks, and compasses. I’ve tried to reverse image search them, but they’re nearly identical to tattoos on thousands of different people. It’s like he had the entirety of Pinterest permanently inked on his body. I’ve got nothing! My only hope is that this guy’s name was actually John Doe.”

Cedric Yoder, a local tattoo artist, has turned up one of the only tips thus far.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I did those bad boys! He’d come in a lot, I think. He looked kinda like a guy in a photo that comes in a picture frame. He’d always have a printout of an Instagram post, telling me to copy it exactly,” said Yoder, while taking a fat rip off his vape cartridge. “Then he’d go on to tell me what the tattoo means to him. I’d just nod along as he’d explain how someone else’s rose was about his dead grandmother or whatever. But hey, at least I always remembered not to tattoo the like and comment icons.”

Makayla Shepard, an archeologist at the University of Cambridge, worries about this trend.

“Tattoos can be used as a form of identification, sure, but more importantly, they have a very rich history and mountains of cultural significance. I’ve learned so much about past civilizations digging into the meaning behind this imagery and how it’s connected to their heritage,” said Shepard. “But goddamn, future archeologists are fucked. They’re going to have to, like, trace all the black-and-gray photorealistic bullshit back to a blog post called ’30 OF THE BEST CLOCK TATTOOS FOR MEN IN 2022′ and then weep at the lack of any substance. God, I’m a dying breed.”

At press time, a second body with the exact same tattoos was found one town over leading authorities to believe a serial killer might be targeting anyone from the hardcore scene in 2012.

Roommate Who Just Got Into Skeet Shooting Hasn’t Seen That Other Half of Your Record Collection

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Recent skeet shooting enthusiast Farley Gunther is reportedly “none the wiser” on the whereabouts of the large amount of missing discs from his roommate’s record collection, dubious sources confirmed.

“Frankly, I’m appalled at the gall it takes to accuse me, of all people. I could care less about his perfectly round, effortlessly aerodynamic records. Let me keep to my hobby and he can keep to his,” said Gunther, while cleaning one of his many shotguns. “So, for the last time, when I shoot skeet, I only use regulation clay pigeons. I would never use, say, my roommate’s near mint copy of ‘Earth A.D.’ with the little tear on the cover, or his slightly water-damaged copy of ‘Kick Out The Jams’ which would probably pull to the left due to warping, anyway…uh, just as a couple of examples, I’m guessing.”

Vance Reccardi, owner of the record collection, seemed mortified over his initial questioning of what he thought was his clearly innocent roommate.

“Since it wasn’t Farley’s doing, I figured after I’d apologized profusely for my false accusation, I had better store the remaining records with him. You know, for safekeeping,” said Reccardi. “Seems to me they’d be out of harm’s way in his room since he’s got that gun to scare any thieves that might try to make off with the rest of my vinyl. Those burglars may be smart, but I’m smarter.”

Private investigator Sherman Vargas is hot on the case, but has so far turned up no leads.

“It’s a hell of an investigation, so far I’m stumped. The amount of dead ends I’ve turned up is baffling. The kid says he’s lost his records, but I haven’t seen hide nor hair of any missing LPs,” said Vargas. “Now, broken shards of vinyl, I’ve found tons of. The meadow in their backyard is covered in those. But sadly, this kid’s lost whole records, so I’m still on the hunt. But I know the truth is out there…and it’s close.”

“I’ll tell you another thing, that roommate of his is good people. Always offering me coffee and complimenting my clothes,” Vargas added. “I might just take him up on his offer to show me skeet shooting…whatever that is.”

At press time, citing exhaustion with record collecting altogether, Reccardi vowed to turn his attention to his other passion: giant paintings of animals with targets on them.

We Sat Down With the Only Family Who Could Afford Blink-182 Tickets

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Blink-182 fans across the country were shocked to see the ticket prices for the band’s upcoming tour. Now, divorced fathers everywhere are wondering how they’re going to afford $750 tickets to hear Tom DeLonge sing about fucking a dog.

However, one wealthy family of superfans is unfazed by these high ticket prices and has even made plans to attend multiple dates of the tour. After refreshing Ticketmaster for the eighth time to see that even the cheapest seats are still going for hundreds of dollars, we sat down with sisters Kim and Kourtney Kardashian to learn about the only family wealthy enough to afford Blink tickets.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us. What exactly do you do for a living?
Kim: I’m a businesswoman and a part-time law student but I also work in the television industry with my family. Do you ever watch reality shows on Hulu?

Sometimes. But we might have to cancel our staff subscription if we want to go to any more reunion shows. Speaking of that, do you think it’s unfair that people have to pay so much for these tickets?
Kourtney: I don’t think so. You know, we’re not Bezos-rich or anything. We’re more upper-middle class. My hubby Travis is always producing new material for Machine Gun Kelly and Lil Huddy just to make ends meet.
Kim: Personally, I’m with Kourt on this one. If you want to see your favorite band reunite, get your fucking ass up and work. I don’t know why nobody wants to work these days. It’s just a few hours of photoshoots here and there, maybe a confessional or two if your show is filming that day. Work sucks, I know. But it all pays off in the end.

Sure it does. So do you think Blink-182 is charging too much for tickets?
Kourtney: I don’t understand why so many people are complaining. My assistant spends twice that amount on decorative organic fruit for my kitchen. I think people will find any excuse to complain.
Kim: I’m more worried about the fact that we can only afford to travel to maybe five or six dates. Jet fuel is really expensive right now. It’s nearly impossible to get anywhere without my accountant saying something like “if you keep spending this much on private travel I won’t get my yearly bonus.” It’s like “hello, selfish much?”

10 Small Towns With Hilariously Inappropriate Names

Posted on by James Knapp

Swampass, Mississippi

Named after Confederate General Ezekial Swampass III, this town is actually a centerpoint of traditional southern arts and culture, thanks largely to its theater The Grand Old Swamp House.

Drugsville, Maine

Following the opium craze of the early 1890s, Drugsville gradually declined in wealth and population, eventually leading to President Richard Nixon’s “War on Drugsville,” which further decimated the already very stoned town.

Only Racists Live Here, North Carolina

The sleepy hamlet of Only Racists Live Here takes its name from the Cherokee phrase onaratsha lisha rahe, which translate roughly to “let’s fuck off outta here, away from these assholes.”

Sexylvania, Arkansas

Despite the name, a recent survey of residents revealed that no one has had actual sex within the city limits of Sexylvania since 1952.

Reel Big Fish, Nebraska

According to census data, there is no record of this town existing before 1996. Oddly enough, it was around the same time that the village of Soundgarden disappeared off the face of the earth.

Hitler, Missouri

Nope! Bad name. Fuck this town.

The Place Where They Filmed “The Lord of the Rings,” New Zealand, Kentucky

Previously known as Chemical Warfare, Kentucky, this town’s board of commerce decided to change its name to increase tourism, going so far as to include ‘New Zealand’ in its forged identity much to the confusion of all involved.

Bear Taint, Nova Scotia

According to myth, this small fishing village was named in honor of the last sight most residents see immediately before they die horribly, though the cause of death remains unknown.

The Peninsula of Broken Dongs, Wyoming

This hilariously inappropriate name comes from the fact that Wyoming is stupidly landlocked. It couldn’t possibly be a peninsula. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Secret Underground Government Surveillance Facility, Kansas

It’s unclear where this small town’s name originated from – or why, after becoming the target of numerous, unfounded conspiracy theories, the town never elected to change the name. Regardless, this kooky Kansas community draws much of its charm from the numerous nuclear missile silos surrounding it, which we have been required by the NSA to clarify are “deactivated.”

Review: The Get Up Kids “Four Minute Mile”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a notable album from punk history. This week we took an extended look at The Get Up Kids’ debut album “Four Minute Mile” because our mom cleaned out the basement and asked if we wanted any of our old CDs.

We were apprehensive at first, particularly because we thought we had blocked her number after she kept sending us links to anti-vax articles that all included a misspelled version of “variolation.” But after she listed off a few of the titles from our hard copy collection, which featured such gems as Everclear’s “So Much For the Afterglow” and the Malcolm In the Middle soundtrack, we decided the time was right to revisit the landmark emo album while we sifted through the rest of the repurposed OfficeMax box full of junk she dumped on us.

The album’s lead off track “Coming Clean” is the perfect reflection on past mistakes, as well as the ideal background music to have on as we uncovered our old pog collection and wondered why in the hell mom thought she had to save them all these years. They weren’t even valuable to us when they were new.

The Kids really cement their sound on tracks like “Don’t Hate Me” and “Stay Gold, Ponyboy,” which made us nostalgic for the whole second wave of midwest emo. What did not make us nostalgic, however, was the nine pairs of JNCOs we were forced to acknowledge were once a major aspect of our personality as we dug them out of the box. Please don’t judge us.

The standout track from the record is most likely “Shorty,” and when it came on we were instantly transported back to the summer of ‘97. We then immediately got an all-consuming desire to leave that transportation after we heard the electronic mewling of our old Tamagotchi, which had apparently remained alive and suffering nearly three decades later.

Needless to say, the box must now be destroyed along with whatever other remnant of our late ‘90s self is contained within. Anyways though, “Four Minute Mile” held up okay.

SCORE: 8 out of 10 regrettable ‘90s fads

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