Press "Enter" to skip to content

Punk Contractor Builds World’s First All Basement House

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Local contractor Sidney Laird did the impossible by constructing the very first all basement house in existence, astonished sources confirmed.

“Basements have always felt like ‘home’ to me, so I wanted to figure out a way to make homes feel like ‘basement.” I always find myself in all manner of rooms thinking ‘why can’t this room be a basement, too?’ So it was just a matter of time before I followed my dream to its logical conclusion,” said Laird while admiring his work. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The kitchen’s a basement, the half-bath’s a half-basement. Even the attic’s a basement. It brings a tear to my eye even talking about it.”

The construction crew was wary of taking on such an arduous and seemingly impossible task, but eventually came around to Laird’s vision.

“I took one look at that blueprint of his and figured that kook was off his damn nut. I thought it was a pipe dream, that it couldn’t be done” said foreman Harrigan Valentine. “I kept lobbying for a den, a hallway, a breakfast nook, anything else, for the love of god…but at the end of the day, I knew in my heart I couldn’t be the obstacle in the way of the guy’s mad genius. And I’m glad I didn’t, because now I’m a small part of history.”

Frank Langley, the head of the family of five who were set to move into the all-basement home, was not quite as enthusiastic about the design.

“Oh, I’m pretty pissed. We weren’t consulted at all, and now we’ve sunk a fortune into a house that’s like twenty basements and each one smells weirder than the next. It would have been nice to know that our new home was going to be a big architectural Frankenstein experiment,” said Langley while angrily gazing at the popcorn ceiling. “And I mean, there’s literally not even any bathrooms, because the guy says ‘bathrooms aren’t basements.’ My life is a fucking nightmare.”

At press time, Laird said he was willing to pay back Langley by installing an Olympic-sized flooded basement in the backyard to swim in, free of charge.