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If Buying Booze for Underage Kids Is Wrong Why Am I Suddenly the Coolest Teacher in School?

I’d like to start off this hearing by stating for the record that this is an absolute witch hunt. The faculty members and parents who’ve been complaining about my behavior are nothing more than a bunch of haters. Look, people. If buying booze for my students is so wrong, then why the hell am I suddenly the coolest teacher in school?!

If thinking outside the box gets our students excited to come to class, what’s the problem? Sure, some of them may be there strictly for the booze, but I made sure to give those students C’s so it’s all good. And so what if it’s technically illegal. I’ve got the lowest truancy rate in this school and, more importantly, these kids think I’m a legend. Nobody gets as many compliments slurred at them in the hallway as I do.

I didn’t become an educator because I care about things like math or science. I got into it after I watched “Dangerous Minds” and realized I could make a difference by wearing a leather jacket and doing sick martial arts. Michelle Pfeiffer became a hero in that movie for bribing her students with candy bars and amusement parks and I did the same thing only with peach schnapps and vodka. Yet Pfeiffer won a Blockbuster Entertainment Award, yet the only thing I’m being asked to accept right now is loss of employment and possible jail time.

What, you want me to be like all these other boring, loser teachers at this school? You ever see Mr. Johnson get hoisted up on his students’ shoulders in celebration? Sure, those drunk teenagers stumbled and dropped me pretty hard, but fortunately I was blacked out so it didn’t hurt until the next day.

We owe it to our students to try new methods to get through to them. And if those methods involve a classroom kegger every now and then, who are you to judge? Your honor.