WEST ORANGE, N.J. — Sullen members of stoner metal group Doom Daddies played to a nearly basement Friday, as the majority of the crowd went upstairs to gawk enthusiastically at the house’s sick terrarium, dispirited sources confirmed.
“It’s a pretty bad sign when the ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ coming from people looking at a damn lizard or whatever are louder than three Orange amp stacks. Only three people watched our set, meanwhile the terrarium had a mosh pit going in front of it any time the salamander poked it’s head out,” said Doom Daddies drummer Cary Pomerantz. “And the worst part of it all is, by the time we had finished and gone upstairs to check it out, all the animals were hidden inside the little castles in there, asleep. We wanted to see too! Worst show we’ve ever played by a long shot.”
Attendees of the house show reported being so zealous for the reptile enclosure that most didn’t even know there was a band playing downstairs.
“Dude, we were so fuckin’ pumped on that terrarium. Skinks, geckos, chameleons, even a bunch of little anoles skittering around puffing out their neck dewlaps…everyone was going nuts for it. At one point, someone brought out a bag of crickets to feed them, and people were bouncing off the walls. It was really something special,” said showgoer Latoyah Philips. “I heard later that there was a band playing downstairs the whole time, but lucky for us, you couldn’t hear them too much. Best show I’ve ever gone to by a long shot.”
Professor of Herpetology Dr. Timothy Milsap says it’s no surprise that a crowd of people would flock toward a terrarium over a band.
“It’s a proven scientific fact that even the suggestion of possibly seeing a reptile in the flesh releases a flood of endorphins to the brain, equal to a full body massage. It’s little wonder why nobody wanted to watch the band. I mean, c’mon…there’s a terrarium!” said Kramer. “It’s no contest, and the human brain knows that. It’s just plain instinct.”
“The power of music is certainly a palpable thing,” Kramer added. “But it will always lose out to the power of gawking at an iguana.”
At press time, Doom Daddies decided to let bygones be bygones and join the terrarium on a three-week West Coast tour this winter as its opening act.