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Bassist Placed in Kick Drum After Band Can’t Find Any Blankets

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Bassist for grindcore band Apocalypse Cow was reportedly put inside of a kick drum during sound check after his bandmates could not locate a small blanket, witnesses who heard panicked sounds coming from the instrument confirmed.

“When we were unpacking our gear, I noticed that the blanket we normally use to mute the kick drum was nowhere to be found. At that point my bandmates and I huddled together to try to find a quick solution before the show was set to start,” said Apocalypse Cow lead vocalist Thomas McDaniel. “We needed something that was somewhat solid, could absorb a decent amount of sound waves, and not particularly valuable. And then it dawned on us that Hunter, our bass player, checked all the boxes.”

Hunter Burkman noted that he was happy to help out the band and enjoyed the experience of inhabiting an instrument.

“We’re all like a big family, and I was happy to come through for my bandmates. And I must say, I really appreciate them helping me contort my body so that it could fit it into that tiny cylindrical space,” stated Burkman. “One thing I found surprising was that it was actually cozy being in there. I felt this sense of warmth and safety–how I imagine an unborn child might feel in the womb. And when our drummer did the double kick parts it almost felt like a good deep tissue massage. Honestly, I crawled out of there refreshed after the show.”

Veteran sound tech Rowdy MacAnerney explained that there are a wide array of items that can help achieve the desired dampening effect on a kick drum sound.

“Yes, ideally you’d want to put a thin blanket or rolled up beach towel to muffle the overtones, but if you are in a pinch, a five-foot-nine Cacuasian in the fetal position will do the trick as well,” said MacAnerney while chuckling watching a video of Burkman curled up in the kick. “Not a lot of bands know this, but if you can get a couple of healthy kidneys pressed up against the drum head, you’ll get that punchy thud you’re looking for. Just remember to loosen the head a little bit to get some oxygen in there. A limp body won’t work.”

At press time, Burkman was seen aggressively stretching prior to the beginning of a show.