GALLATIN, Tenn. — Aging Punk and Volunteer Insurance Co. shift supervisor, Braden Niles, entered his fourteenth year of trying to get the entire office to call him Snot, multiple employees confirm.
“I’m just trying to make it clear to everyone that I’m more than just my job,” Niles explained while spiking his hair in the bathroom mirror. “I’m a punk rocker first and foremost. This tie is just the noose I wear to pay the bills. People would realize that if they got to know Snot. Braden might rat on you for clocking in late or taking an extra long lunch break but Snot would never. Snot doesn’t give a fuck about the rules! Why is that so hard for people to understand?”
While few in the office adhere to the request an overwhelming majority have been vocal about their refusal to entertain it.
“Braden is always so desperate for attention and we’re all fucking sick of it,” said Senior Claims Adjuster Benjamin Farley. “I remember the first time I asked why he wanted us to call him Snot. Without hesitation he says ‘check it out!’ and does this yo-yo snot rocket that went all the way to the floor and right back up into his nose. Pretty sure a piece of food on the floor came back up with it and he just snorted it down. I puked all over the break room and somehow I was the one that ended up getting in trouble for it!”
Despite the many complaints filed by employees, the company’s H.R. department defended Niles on multiple accounts.
“We respect Snot’s request to be identified by that name as it is their right,” explains H.R.Team Leader, Tamara Cunningham. “However, some of their behavior has crossed the line. We can’t have people spraying bodily fluids around the workplace because then we’re dealing with a health hazard. We also had to speak with Snot about blasting his bands music in the lobby every time they record a new demo.”
At press time, Niles was seen spray painting “Snot Or Die” on the wall in the employee bathroom.