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Noise Musician Preparing to Spend Seventh Consecutive Thanksgiving Lying About Being a Jazz Musician

TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local noise musician Gary Wilkerson spent the past week researching music history and terminology in order to convince his immediate family that he is a jazz artist as opposed to a noise one during Thanksgiving dinner, sources close to Wilkerson report.

“It all started when my uncle Ron suddenly remembered that I played guitar in high school and asked if I still played music,” said Wilkerson. “I knew that trying to explain noise as a genre would have taken hours, because it’s so much more than just a genre after all. And I didn’t want to convince this dude who thinks REO Speedwagon is the epitome of Western culture that putting a bag over my head and blasting a distorted recording of a French dude vomiting has artistic merit. So I lied and just said I play jazz now. But now Uncle Ron keeps calling me ‘cool cat’ and asks me how those ‘hip jazz gigs’ are going every year. Continuing to lie about that is so demoralizing.”

While keeping the truth hidden may prove difficult, Wilkerson’s family continues to believe his story.

“We’re all just so glad that Gary finally stopped playing that screamy metal music and started playing something we can be proud of,” said Kim Wilkerson, his mother. “I like jazz! I don’t listen to it a lot, but there’s that one saxophone guy I really like. What’s his name? Oh yeah, Kenny G. He’s wonderful. I hope Gary sounds like that! I’m going to try to get one of Gary’s CDs so I can have my dentist play it next time I get a cleaning.”

Despite the family’s appreciation of the cover story, others in the local scene have expressed a sense of betrayal.

“Gary is totally abandoning a community that has always had his back by doing this,” said Nellie Dennis, a local noise act who plays under the stage name Repaired Vagina Quartet. “And for what? So he can have a comfortable conversation with his Dad? I would never turn my back on the scene like that. And if my mom ever forgives me for ‘the incident’ and finally invites me back for Thanksgiving, I’ll prove it.”

At press time, Wilkerson repeatedly asserted that lying to his family in no way equates to him abandoning his roots as a noise musician by dropping heat resistant microphone along with the turkey into a deep fryer.