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Who Rescued Who? I Adopted an Aggressive Dog To Avoid Talking to Neighbors

When I moved to this neighborhood, it was dirty and industrial. Now? Condos and kava bars. The friendliness is out of control. I should be able to get ramen without dodging kids on scooters or chatting with the local mom squad. I needed a dog for protection from small talk.

I went to the kill shelter and it was fucking sad. Even the Rottweilers had the fight drained out of them. Then I saw Ronnie, a Pitbull mix. She had a big frame but only weighed 19 pounds. She was mangey, her teeth were worn down, and she was covered in snot. When they told me her owner went to jail, I knew she was perfect.

I changed her name to Venom and got her fixed. If I wanted to keep people away, I can’t have horny dogs sniffing around. I spent the next few weeks bulking her up, feeding her peanut butter out of my palm. When she got up to 80 pounds, she looked like a beast, and I knew she was ready to go to work.

The problem? She didn’t have a mean bone in her body. I wanted an attack dog but got a best friend. I invested in training. For $650 a month, I got this silly, lazy dog to act like a rabid monster on cue. Granted, she only knew German commands, but that works!

I got her a custom harness and spiked collar from a BSDM leather sculptor. It was worth it to have my cute baby looking like a sick-ass warhorse, ready to trample some Goldendoodles.

Scaring neighbors is a partnership and I learned to meet her halfway. A little slack on her leash allowed her to lunge at the baby strollers. I’d pretend to be apologetic and act like she’s out of control, saying, “Sorry, she’s not friendly” with the right amount of mock concern.

When a high school track team was running toward us, I gave her a quick “Gib laut!” and she barked her ass off, sending them sprinting in the other direction. If kids are too loud on the playground across the street, I have her run up slides and leap over swings, clearing them out real fast.

I set up a grooming regime, shaving random spots on her body and using dreadlock wax to make her fur matted. It’s hard work, but when trick-or-treaters avoid my house and there are pages of complaints on the Nextdoor app, I know it paid off.

Pit Bulls have been getting good PR lately, so people aren’t as afraid of her as I’d like. But if someone still wants to approach, all I have to do is tell them I got a deal from a backyard breeder and they keep their distance.