GLENDALE, Calif. — Two of nu metal’s most respected acts, System of a Down and Deftones, announced a co-headlining tour under the moniker “Nu Metal But, Like, Good,” confirmed representatives from the bands.
“This tour is dedicated to all our fans who shared our music with friends while apologetically saying ‘I know it’s nu metal, but trust me, it’s actually good,’” said Serj Tankian, frontman of System of a Down and current owner of Frank Zappa’s mustache. “Deftones are the only other band in a similar boat as us. Critics have to preface our reviews with ‘Listen I knowwww, but hear me out.’ We fully understand. We also heard Limp Bizkit’s ‘Hot Dog.’”
Deftones’ Stephen Carpenter recounted the difficulty in trying to find other acts to fill the tour’s bill.
“There isn’t a third band in all of nu metal who doesn’t suck at least a little,” stated Carpenter, longtime guitarist of the Sacramento group. “We briefly considered Korn but only under the condition that they stick to tunes before the year 2000. Let’s just say those talks didn’t go well. Limp Bizkit was never asked. We considered some deeper nu metal acts like Adema, Trust Company, and Taproot but holy shit, have you listened to them recently? I’m considering starting harpsichord lessons just to further distance myself from that shit.”
Longtime fans of nu metal are finally feeling vindicated after suffering decades of abuse from peers, friends, and music critics.
“They all laughed back in the day when I paid $300 for front row seats to see Deftones and Incubus, but nostalgia is taking hold—look who is laughing now!” exclaimed a self-righteous Danny Paulner, who has one tattoo for each System of a Down album. “Everyone is tired of 2022’s trends of obnoxious hyperpop and rehashed pop-punk. Now they’re crawling on their bellies back to the juicy riffs, slappin’ bass, and DJ scratches of nu metal. Sure, we still have to deal with the System of a Down guitarist screeching his bloody head off, but it’s a small price to pay for a concert of singalong choruses and 7-string guitar chugs.”
Hot on the heels of the announcement, barbers nationwide announced massive discounts on frosted tips.