The pandemic was rough, but we came out of it with two positive things: A renewed appreciation for bingeable classic television, and a willingness to start experimenting sexually.
If you and your partner have been fantasizing about a three-way for a while now, and you’re both ready to make it so, logic dictates that it should be with one of the characters from Star Trek: The Next Generation. But which TNG mainstay will give you the most positive experience? We’ve run the simulations and ranked every character by how much you’ll want to boldly go invite them out for drinks and to “see what happens.”
28. William Riker
Good lord no. Beard or no beard any threesome involving First Officer Riker would be a nightmare. Best case scenario he rebukes your advances and reminds you “On this ship we do sex by the book!” Worse case, he’s all horned up and agrees. You walk into his quarters and he greets you in a silk robe that is way, way too short, even for sex. Riker is definitely the kind of guy who serves raw oysters to people he’s about to fuck, so there’s that to deal with. Then when you think he’s finally going to get down to business, out comes the “seductive” jazz trombone. How this lame hack ever wound up with Deanna Troi we’ll never know, but don’t make her mistake!
27. Wesley Crusher
Well, first off, we’re pretty sure Wesley is underage during the entire run of TNG, so that’s a hard no. Even if he wasn’t though, he would still be a bit too uh, you know… Wesleyish. This character basically existed as a way for Gene Roddenberry to insert himself into Star Trek, do you really want to let him insert himself into your relationship? A quick Google search into Roddenberry’s personal life and attitude towards women will tell you no, hell no you do not.
26. Mot
You don’t want your first threeway to be with a know-it-all, especially one who cuts your hair.
25. Katherine Pulaski
Anyone who can’t see the basic humanity in Data is not emotionally equipped for healthy group sex.
24. Gowron
Sex with any Klingon carries certain risks, both due to their temperament and, probably, their anatomy. You’ve seen their foreheads, imagine what they’re working with down there! Add to that the fact that Gowron is a politician through and through, with, presumably, the deviant appetites of the elite, the rewards here are just not worth the risks.
23. Ro Laren
She slept with Riker despite being the only character to adequately hate them, and while both parties suffered memory loss at the time, you just can’t trust those instincts.
22. Reginald Barclay
Reginald acts out self-aggrandizing sexual fantasies with copies of his co-workers on the holodeck, and that’s just the part of his depravity they allowed on television in the early ’90s. You don’t want to know how far Reg’s rabbit hole goes.
21. K’Ehleyr
Half Klingon, half human, all woman. Talk about a total K.I.L.F. K’Ehleyr identifies more with her human side and tries hard to keep those explosive klingon tendancies in check, until she finds herself in a combat situation or, presumably, the bedroom.
20. Tomalak
The main difference between Romulans and Vulcans is that Romulans fucking FUCK. None of that life of quiet meditation and mate every seven years nonsense. While undoubtedly a skilled cocksman, Tomalak can be duplicitous and deceitful. Don’t just take his word that he’s tested and had a vasectomy in college.
19. Geordi La Forge
Geordi is the kind of guy who would talk a big game leading up to the threesome but at the end of the day, he’s a try-hard clingy mess who has no idea what he’s doing romantically. Get a few more at-bats under your belt and we’ll talk, okay Geordie? No, holodeck girls don’t count.
18. Worf
Well, he did win Counselor Troi over, so he must be doing something right in the bedroom. Then again, so did Riker. As a Klingon raised by Russian humans, Worf is out of place wherever he goes, and even the most basic emotional situations can make him flush with awkwardness. Get a few Romulan ales in him and he might be fun, but the breakfast would be excruciating.
17. Lore
While presumably equipped with the same sexual functionality and flawless mechanical stroke as his brother Data, Lore’s unstable emotional matrix makes him a selfish lover.
16. Miles O’Brien
Miles is a great guy and probably a fine lover, but we have a hard time believing that the most Irish man in space is open-minded toward things like group sex.
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