5 Creative Thanksgiving Dishes to Make for the Eerie Porcelain Dolls You Call Your Family

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Traditional boring Thanksgiving dinners are fine for some families, who don’t care about celebrating our nation’s history with a little flair. Turkey with those little bows? Dull. Ambrosia salad? Disgusting! Bread up the ass of a bird? Pervert!

But it doesn’t have to be that way! If you really want to impress the collection of eerie, smiling porcelain dolls who live in the attic and that you call your family, try these delicious, easy recipes!

1. Sweet Meringue Yams

Sweet potatoes baked with marshmallows are as American as apple pie and holding Mother, the porcelain doll with the sinister expression and starched lace collar, while you stare into a mirror through the night. Try bumping it up a notch by baking a rich, sweet meringue onto Hasselbeck yams!

2. Wild Rice and Cranberry Salad

Thanksgiving food doesn’t have to be heavy, sugar-filled, and delicious! This healthy side dish of three different wild rice varieties tossed in a light cranberry vinaigrette is perfect to keep your waistline trim and unchanging, just as the cool, pale bodies of the only family you can ever truly love will never change.

Ever.

3. A Single Piece of Ceramic to Lie Cool and Still On Your Tongue

Not every Thanksgiving dish has to be a riff on an old classic! Instead, you can simply place a ceramic disk on your tongue and sit silently amongst your brothers and sisters, finally feeling like you are one of them. You are still. You are silent. The ceramic in your mouth is delicious.

4. Around the World Wheel of Cheese

Cheeseball? Get the fuck out of here! You can forget the artificial smoke taste of those globes of yellow-ass cheddar because you’ll have a real globe… of cheese! Simply use your atlas as a cheeseboard and place a chunk of cheese on the appropriate country and whisper the names of your sweet and perfect family to yourself. They will always love you and the terrible things you have done in their name.

5. Bloody Meat

Does anybody actually like roast turkey? Not when there is a pile of fresh, bloody meat still quivering from the kill, while your porcelain family slowly stand from their dollhouse chairs and move with the terrible sound of grinding ceramic to feast!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Review: Pierce the Veil “The Jaws of Life”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we took a look at Pierce the Veil’s brand new album “The Jaws of Life,” and look back on the memory of our late editor, Toby, who died in the wreckage of an eighty-Zamboni-pileup at the “Hardcore Hockey ‘13” expo, at which the actual jaws of life were also present.

First a little background. Pierce the Veil started back in 2006 and quickly developed a knack for crafting infectious, emo-tinged post-hardcore ballads. “Hardcore Hockey ‘13” was a mash-up beatdown hardcore / penal hockey bloodbath held in an old, weird gym in Paramus, New Jersey, in 2012. Our editor, Toby, was first in line for tickets.

Way back in 2018 Pierce the Veil announced that they’d begun working on “The Jaws of Life.” Also in 2018, we were still making weekly trips to the coroner’s office to identify chips of bone that were still being pulled out of that Zamboni massacre with regularity and volume.

“The Jaws of Life” is a major step forward musically for Pierce the Veil after a long hiatus and much perspective gained. The actual jaws of life also proved to be a major step forward for the fire department in using them to free the three surviving Paramus Institute For the Violently Insane convicts from the wreckage of the mass Zamboni demolition derby.

Ironically, those three were the exact three who initiated the crash in the first place.

When we think about Pierce the Veil, it reminds us of being back in high school and experiencing the joys of screamo for the very first time. When we think about Toby, we wish he hadn’t lied about having insurance so we could stop selling office furniture just to keep the site running.

So overall, “The Jaws of Life,” pretty good. Also, the actual jaws of life are fucking invaluable – otherwise they never would have been able to recover what was left of Toby’s face from that tangle of auger conveyors.

Score: 7 out of 10 criminally insane hardcore Zamboni operators

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B.C. Rich Issues Apology After Making Guitar-Shaped Guitar

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

ORLANDO, Fla. — Guitar manufacturer B.C. Rich was forced to issue an apology after debuting a totally normal-looking guitar that outraged their dedicated customers, confirmed multiple upset men in denim vests.

“To our customers and fans of rad-looking guitars around the world, we are deeply deeply sorry,” said CEO William Xavier. “The failure to add random pointy spikes to this guitar fills us with great shame. I want to personally apologize for the guitar’s lack of spider webs, lightning bolts, or tribal designs. We are recalling each unit and they will be destroyed and burned to ash so none of the pieces can be used again. We promise the next model we release will be so sharp you could cut a raw steak with it.”

Xavier’s comments came after a video of the new guitar, dubbed “The Standard” being released at this year’s NAMM conference went viral.

“As soon as I saw that completely normal hunk of crap my heart sank,” said longtime customer Sam Malinowski, guitarist of glam rock band Viscous Licks. “I threw my beer and started booing when I saw there wasn’t a single skull fretboard inlay or aggressive spur. I felt so betrayed. I’d rather cut my own fingers off than play a solo on that boring, uninspired design. And what’s up with this weird little pickup that looks like half of a regular pickup? Whoever came up with this clearly knows nothing about real music.”

The release comes during a difficult time for the music industry with many of the major brands being forced to apologize for new designs that insulted their fan base, such as Gibson’s infamous “Les Paul for Less than $12,000” or Line6’s new “Reasonable” amp setting.

“I can’t say I’m surprised by the reaction,” said UCLA Musicology Professor Shannon Hall, author of “It’s Like My Dick is Really Loud: Patriarchy, Iran/Contra, and the Rise of Hair Metal Guitar.” “For generations, American men have associated weird pointy guitars with virility and edgy style. But as the guitar has lost it’s stranglehold on the imaginations of young American men, the instrument has been taken over by emasculated and threatening forces like indie or even jazz. For those looking for a balls-to-the-fucking-wall image and sound below $400 bucks, B.C. Rich was one of the last safe heavens.”

B.C. Rich hopes to win back customers with their latest design the “Midnight Werewolf Exotic Deluxe,” which will feature absolutely zero symmetry, 15 strings, and a neon purple Floyd Rose Tremolo System and will be released directly to pawn shops this Christmas season.

Your High School Sweetheart Viewed Your LinkedIn Profile – Here Are 57 Things That Could Possibly Mean

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

So you got a notification that someone looked at your LinkedIn profile. That’s weird since you hardly use the site. However, it wasn’t a potential employer or a headhunter. It was your first love, your prom date, and the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with when you were seventeen. You haven’t spoken or even friended one another on other social media. What could their reasoning possibly be for looking at your resume?! Here are 57 possibilities for you to dwell on instead of sleeping tonight.

1. It was an accident.
2. Their marriage is on the rocks.
3. They are pining for better times.
4. Absolutely nothing.
5. They plan to apply to the company you work at.
6. It is actually their spouse snooping.
7. They desperately want you back.
8. They are looking at the life they could have had.
9. They are correctly assuming they dodged a bullet.
10. Gathering information for an upcoming reunion.
11. They are messing with your head… again.
12. Friend/family member needs a rebound fling.
13. Seeing how much you have aged.
14. Checking to see if that paralegal degree paid off.
15. They are dying.
16. Seeing if they can sell you a timeshare.
17. Trying to suss out if you are in a relationship.
18. Trying to suss out if you are in a relationship with Jesus Christ.
19. Newly single.
20. Seven year itch.
21. In need of a job reference.
22. Their identity was stolen.
23. Going to steal your identity.
24. Needs bail money for current partner.
25. Wondering if you still have their DVD of Empire Records.
26. Cat got on their keyboard.
27. Going to tell you their mom died, she always liked you.
28. Needs help with a computer issue.
29. Bored on the toilet.
30. Meant to click on another person with similar name.
31. Wants you back.
32. Thought they blocked you years ago.
33. Wondering if you got your act together.
34. Drunk and thinks they are on Facebook.
35. Trying to connect with your more successful friends.
36. Wondering why you looked at their profile first.
37. Is polyamorous now.
38. Stuck in an escape room and needs your esoteric knowledge of shortwave radio signals.
39. Laughing at what a mistake they made while at a party and all of their friends are laughing at you too.
40. Phone was stolen.
41. Is in a ‘Taken’ scenario: you are the only one they are able to contact and they desperately need your help before they are disappeared.
42. Needs your matching blood type for an urgent transfusion.
43. Writing their memoirs.
44. Has amnesia and is trying to trigger their memory.
45. Planning on moving to Portland and is checking to make sure you don’t live there.
46. Seeing if you still work at Outback Steakhouse.
47. Is infested with an alien virus and is seeking a new host body.
48. Needs a date to their cousin’s wedding.
49. Is on Step 8 of the 12-Step Program.
50. Just hoping to find someone whose life is even worse than theirs.
51. Looking to make their new partner jealous.
52. Thought of you while watching Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story.
53. Their friend did it as a gag.
54. Seasonal affective disorder.
55. Needed an updated photograph of you for the police.
56. Thumb slipped.
57. Its fate.

Ultimately though, no matter the reason, this is going to be your obsession for the next few weeks.

Band Confused Over Punctuation Accidentally Releases Enormous New 7’ Single

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BRISTOL, Conn. — Embarrassed members of sludge-punk band Grinch Meat are allegedly kicking themselves after forgetting an apostrophe and ordering hundreds of gigantic seven-foot singles, astonished sources report.

“I’ll never forget the feeling of confused horror washing over me when I heard the beeping of all those 18 wheelers backing into our rehearsal space. Then, out they came, the biggest slabs of vinyl I’ve seen in my life. You could side a whole apartment complex with one of these things,” said Grinch Meat bassist and singer Randall “Pluto” Frenette. “Nobody wants to take the blame on who messed up inches and feet, but I swear it wasn’t me. I learned my lesson from the ‘Spinal Tap’ Stonehenge scene.”

Though the members of the band are frustrated over their mistake, Grinch Meat’s merch person is content with the misunderstanding.

“I’m just glad to be working outside in the open air. These new singles are too big to fit through the doors of any venue within miles of here, so I set up the table out back. On a clear night I can see the stars…I got no complaints!” said merch guy Elliott Milsap. “Plus, I’m getting super jacked lugging those things in and out of the trailer. I hope they record a full length soon, so I can strap a few of these to my back and use them on leg day.”

Electrical engineer and acoustician Helen Lowe has been hard at work with the band to figure out how to play the disc without use of a conventional-sized turntable.

“We’ve discovered that if you hold a big stick-like item, say a shovel or a cane, into the record groove and run along the top while dragging said item, you can get a pretty good sound out of it,” said Lowe. “I mean, let’s face it, their music was pretty unlistenable in the first place, now they’ve got the merch to back it up.”

“It’s understandable that the band’s clientele may not want to put such effort into listening to just one song,” Lowe added. “So I’ve been pushing the band to start selling them as pool covers.”

Failing to sell their new single at shows, Grinch Meat decided to unload the entire run on local thrift stores, squashing several Goodwill donation kiosks under the weight in the process.

If You’re Not Furious About This Issue I Just Learned About 10 Seconds Ago Then We’re Not Best Friends Anymore

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Did you see that article I sent you 10 seconds ago? The one about that mayor in Colombia who sold the town’s water rights to Coca-Cola? You did? Well since you never said anything about it I just figured that either you didn’t receive it, or you fully support multinational corporations extracting valuable resources from vulnerable populations on behalf of their wealthy governments. And if that’s the case, you can go right ahead and fuck off!

Obviously I don’t mean that. You know I have a tendency to get hot under the collar immediately after learning about literally any new issue, but this issue is especially important to me, okay? Oh, and another thing. If you don’t lose your shit about this right now, we’re done as friends.

Also, I know we were going to the movies today, but I don’t want to see the one you chose. The director of that film sits on the board of a non-profit organization that funds hundreds of causes, including one that sends care packages to soldiers stationed overseas. So I’m not going to support him. You still are? Alright then. I didn’t realize that my best friend loved to benefit from the global imperialist structures that rebranded colonialism as helping the world, but I’ve been fooled before.

We’ve been inseparable since first grade when I was the new kid at school and everyone else made fun of me because I wasn’t from here, but I’ll throw all of that away right now. It’s 2022 and things are different. There’s no hill too small to die on, motherfucker!

You know what? Don’t text me ever again, okay? How’s that? Maybe I’m throwing away a lifelong companionship and an irreplaceable best friend, but so what? At least I have a clean conscience over it. Now get out of my face fascist. You disgust me.

Nation’s Boomer Parents Suggest “Just Picking Up the Phone and Calling” to Get Taylor Swift Tickets

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

UNITED STATES — Aging parents across the country encouraged their children to “just pick up the phone and give Ticketmaster a call” if they want to secure tickets to Taylor Swift’s “Eras” tour, frustrated sources who actually grew up using the internet confirmed.

“Phones are for phoning, not for watching your little videos and sending emails to your friends,” said 60-year-old Carol Clydermann. “My daughter looked at me like I had two heads when I told her to pick up the phone. I have a nice cordless phone that is fully charged, so she shouldn’t worry about it dying if she gets put on hold. I was young once too, and when I saw Wilson Phillips in 1992 I called and got my tickets no problem.”

“Look, there is a number right there on the website, this isn’t rocket science” the elder Clydermann insisted, lowering her reading glasses and emphatically tapping the Yahoo! search results on her iPad.

Adriana Naughton, 29, is one of the many so-called “Swifties” who eventually resorted to fibbing after fielding multiple “really annoying” requests from her father.

“Dad kept saying I should ‘stop crying and just call [Gillette Stadium] directly.’ He told me that one of my uncles used to have Pats season tickets in 2004, so if I used his name, there wouldn’t be any problem,” said Naughton while signing a petition to join a class action lawsuit against Ticketmaster. “The final straw was when he suggested we drive down to Foxboro and go directly to the box office, I couldn’t stand a two-hour car ride with him listening to right-wing talk radio so I finally just told him yes, I left a voicemail with ‘Lucy’ and just pivoted to asking about the turkeys on sale at Costco super fast.”

Family therapist Matthew Silvio, LCSW, explained that in times of extreme stress, parents naturally turn to trusted, familiar solutions to try to help their children.

“In their day, the telephone was an effective way for the Boomer generation to connect and reliably obtain desired items,” said Silvio. “When they perceive a threat to their offspring, such as a natural disaster or a 12-hour error-riddled online ticket queue, phones may be inaccurately viewed as a lifeline. They don’t understand that the world has changed, paper tickets don’t exist, and that the people running Ticketmaster should be dragged out into the street and executed.”

At press time, the nation’s parents had moved on to asking whether anyone had even tried asking the manager at the local Strawberries music store, which shuttered in 2006.

Recording Academy of America Members Admit Turnstile Grammy Nominations Were Desperate Ploy to Save Money on Blink-182 Tickets

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Leaked emails from high-ranking members of the Recording Academy of America suggest that the three Turnstile Grammy nominations were a subversive attempt to get guestlist spots to next year’s Blink-182 concerts.

“Can you blame us? I looked up tickets for the second Los Angeles show and they were like $900 for nosebleed seats,” said NARAS President Harvey Mason Jr. while shredding piles of documents. “Some people have said we should have just nominated Blink for their new song ‘Edging,’ but come on, nobody would have fallen for that. People actually listen to Turnstile, so it was an easy choice. The music industry is built on scratching each other’s backs anyway. All we need is 75 guest list spots and I can basically guarantee them ‘Best Rock Performance.’ Hell, last year Dream Theater won ‘Best Metal Performance’ because Mike Portnoy said he would give my nephew drum lessons.”

Other nominees for the 2023 Grammy awards started to suspect the Academy wanted favors in return for consideration.

“We were all surprised by the nomination for ‘Best Rock Song,’ then a couple of old men showed up at my house with towels and swim trunks and I started putting things together,” said Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea. “They told me they were with the Academy and wanted to go for a quick dip in my pool. It really caught me off guard because it’s been pretty cold in Los Angeles, but I said yes for the hell of it. They stayed until about 2 a.m. and I think one of them broke a bottle and some of the glass got in the pool. That’s really dangerous so they better give the Chili Peppers this award or I’m sending them a bill.”

Independent watchdog groups that try to limit corruption in the entertainment industry admit they are powerless against quid pro quo deals.

“This has been going on forever, and frankly we’ve given up trying to stop it. The best we can do is cash in on some of the perks,” said Gloria Banks, a chairperson at Alliance for Ethical Accountability. “We kept our mouths shut this year and we got a bunch of vegetables from Brandi Carlisle’s personal garden, and I’m getting three nights for free at an Airbnb in Sweden owned by ABBA’s manager. It’s sad this is the way things have to be, but I don’t really care. I got a 30-second video from Harry Styles saying ‘I rock.’ I can die happy.”

At press time, the Recording Academy of America published a video on their YouTube channel reminding record labels that cash bribes were still the best way to guarantee their artist wins.

Kind of Sad: James Hetfield Is Still Walking Around Dressed as Eddie From “Stranger Things”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

We all loved when James Hetfield debuted his Halloween costume, which was a tribute to everyone’s favorite “Stranger Things” rocker Eddie Munson. But almost a full month later, James refuses to change out of the costume. Even worse, he only responds to people who call him “Eddie.”

“I loved the outfit at first,” said Metallica bass player Robert Trujillo. “But the whole thing is starting to smell like death. The shirt used to be white, now it’s a dingy yellow with a bunch of grease stains. The pants have a strong odor of piss, but I’ve been spraying James, er, Eddie, with Febreze every time he walks by me to take the edge off. The worst part is that the cheap wig he bought has a bunch of bugs in it and they are getting all over the tour bus. And I think his skin is having a bad reaction to whatever the wig is made out of because his face has a nasty rash.”

A small portion of the internet was broken when Metallica posted their singer in costume on their official Instagram page, but now lots of fans are hoping the singer gets the help he needs.

“I remember seeing the photo and thinking ‘hell yeah, that fucking rocks man, he looks just like Eddie.’ Then they kept posting another photo each day and the captions kept getting more deranged. I think the last one I saw just said ‘How many frogs have you seen today?’ or something like that,” said longtime Metallica fan Laurie Hernandez. “I hope he hasn’t fallen off the wagon or something. But they need to stop him from posting any more photos because it’s depressing now.”

Joseph Quinn, the actor that portrays Eddie in the hit Netflix show, is also getting a little tired of the costume.

“Yeah mate, I met Metallica backstage a few months back and jammed with them. We had a great time but I stupidly gave James my phone number. Now he texts me at like 3 a.m. saying ‘Chrissy wake up. I don’t like this, Chrissy. Wake up!’ and then he’ll send me a picture of him doing the devil horns while sitting on his toilet. Then it’s a video of him screaming ‘THIS IS MUSIC!’ and farting into the phone,” said Quinn. “And he’s always telling me I need to stop by and play Dungeons and Dragons. I don’t care for that game at all. A character I play likes it, not me.”

Metallica also noted they will only play the solo from “Master of Puppets” on their next world tour with the rest of the set being James reading erotic fan fiction about Eddie’s sexual adventures in the Upside Down.

Deluxe Box Set Features Over 40 Unreleased and Completely Unlistenable Live and Demo Tracks

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Indie rock legends Theory of Judah released a new deluxe box set that features terribly recorded and half-baked versions of all of their classic songs, confirmed label representatives.

“This one is for the die hard fans out there. We have been sitting on these recordings for a long time, and we never thought they would see the light of day,” said frontman and principal songwriter Anthony Porter-Lamply. “We included a bunch of demo tracks that were recorded in my basement in the ‘90s where it sounds like we are playing underwater, and there is also an infamous live recording where some wires got crossed and you can hear the sound guy complaining about us the entire set. He calls us a lot of nasty names, you need to buy the box set to hear it.”

Fans were initially excited about the prospect of a new box set, but were disappointed when realizing what it would include.

“I was hoping this would be a reissue of their first four albums that have been out of print for 30 years, but instead it’s basically the equivalent of musical garbage they scraped off the bottom of a trash can,” said longtime supporter Anya Helig. “This isn’t the first time Theory of Judah has let me down. Back in 2008 I bought a four-disc DVD that was supposed to document a coast-to-coast tour, but there were like eight minutes of them playing on stage and about 64 hours of them sitting in various green rooms talking about their favorite episodes of ‘Frasier.’”

Executives at Theory of Judah’s record label are anticipating a lot of positive buzz around the release.

“There is no easier way to cash in than to release another ‘collector’s item’ for all the rubes out there dumb enough to throw $140 at us. I’ve personally listened to every song in this box set and I can say with confidence that each and every second of it is a waste of time,” said Tricapital Record CEO Les Wilshire. “But here is what we are going to do, we press it on clear green vinyl. Claim it’s limited edition even though we are going to print thousands of them, and then I’ll count my cash on my new yacht while I’m off the coast of Sardinia. It works every time.”

The new box set will also be packaged with a 72-page booklet featuring copies of tour van rental agreements and hotel room receipts.