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What the Hell? The Thoughtful, Hand-written Card You Gave Me Doesn’t Have Money in It

Wow! You put so much time, effort, and thought into this card. The problem is, that’s all you put into it.

Normally I would just say thank you and pretend to be happy and grateful, but this is the third year in a row I’ve opened an empty card from you, and this is my third beer in the last hour, so you know what? I’m going to tell you how I really feel.

You may not have noticed, but you seem to have left money, the only reason anyone wants to receive a card in the first place, out of it. The front is beautiful, it’s really amazing that you designed and drew all of this yourself, but I’m not sure what you expect me to do with this thing.

The guy at the liquor store isn’t going to accept it as payment. I can’t go to the bank and deposit this. My landlord isn’t going to reduce my rent in exchange for it. So, it’s not really much use to me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s super cool that you made this thing from scratch, but the money saved on a homemade card could have found its way inside of it at least. This is the season for giving. I understand that’s a vague term, but it’s implied that you’re giving something of monetary value. We’re adults for fucks sake. I didn’t have to give you a code to download my band’s demo for free on Bandcamp, but I did. That’s money I’m losing out on, which I won’t be making back thanks to this empty-ass card.

You must have spent hours on this thing, but my band spent hours recording that demo too you know. All of that time you took filling up both sides of the card with fond memories of the two of us, kind words, well wishes, and all that nonsense could have been spent walking to the atm to get a crisp 20 dollar bill. If you can’t be bothered to do that for me, fine. I know where I stand.

Look, thanks for inviting me over to your house for the holidays and all. The food was great, the space was festive and comfortable, and the company was warm and welcoming. But if it’s going to be like this again next year, don’t even bother. Thanks for the card I guess. At least it’ll make a nice coaster.