Steve-O Trying to Figure out How to Get Black Friday Mob to Trample His Balls

Posted on by Vince Ratti

LOS ANGELES — “Jackass” star Stephen “Steve-O” Glover was spotted early Black Friday morning pensively inspecting the entrance of a Best Buy while writing on a notepad and occasionally looking down at his crotch in apparent preparation for a testicle-related stunt, cringing witnesses confirmed.

“I can’t help it dude, everytime I think I’m done, I get an awesome new idea for destroying my penis, shooting something into or out of my butt, or a way to get covered in shit that’s never been done before,” the “Wildboyz” co-host explained while looking at the long line of shoppers. “It’s tricky though, people don’t realize you have to carefully plan these stunts out and sometimes it takes some trial and error before you find the perfect way to get a crazed army of shoppers to just annihilate your balls. It’s an art.”

Black Friday deal-seeker Nick Smith was at the front of the line when the store opened.

“We saw this guy wearing nothing but reindeer ears, a red nose, and a diaper with the American flag on it loitering around all morning. Then just as they started opening the doors he shouted ‘I’m Steve-O and this is the Black Friday Sack Stampede’ and hurled himself, spread-eagle, onto the ground,” recalled Smith, wiping blood from his own shopping wounds. “I felt bad stomping his cherries, but even the possibility of involuntary manslaughter wasn’t going to keep me away from a $25 air fryer. Besides, I’m pretty sure I heard him grunt ‘hell yeah’ as we trampled him, so I think I’m in the clear.”

Medics managed to extract Steve-O from the dangerous situation.

“He’s lucky we were already here because of the beheadings at last year’s sale. But as we were dragging him out from under the mob, he kept resisting and shouting ‘cut!’ even though there was no film crew or anything,” said EMT Brianna Reid between breaths from an oxygen mask. “He probably has some serious internal bleeding and should absolutely come with us to the hospital, but he refused. I’ve seen this too many times before and it’s tragic. And also, he really should have called the stunt ‘Black Friday Ball Busters.’”

At press time, Steve-O was overheard asking everyone if they could get back in line so he could try another take with a candy cane up his ass.

Who Rescued Who? I Adopted an Aggressive Dog To Avoid Talking to Neighbors

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

When I moved to this neighborhood, it was dirty and industrial. Now? Condos and kava bars. The friendliness is out of control. I should be able to get ramen without dodging kids on scooters or chatting with the local mom squad. I needed a dog for protection from small talk.

I went to the kill shelter and it was fucking sad. Even the Rottweilers had the fight drained out of them. Then I saw Ronnie, a Pitbull mix. She had a big frame but only weighed 19 pounds. She was mangey, her teeth were worn down, and she was covered in snot. When they told me her owner went to jail, I knew she was perfect.

I changed her name to Venom and got her fixed. If I wanted to keep people away, I can’t have horny dogs sniffing around. I spent the next few weeks bulking her up, feeding her peanut butter out of my palm. When she got up to 80 pounds, she looked like a beast, and I knew she was ready to go to work.

The problem? She didn’t have a mean bone in her body. I wanted an attack dog but got a best friend. I invested in training. For $650 a month, I got this silly, lazy dog to act like a rabid monster on cue. Granted, she only knew German commands, but that works!

I got her a custom harness and spiked collar from a BSDM leather sculptor. It was worth it to have my cute baby looking like a sick-ass warhorse, ready to trample some Goldendoodles.

Scaring neighbors is a partnership and I learned to meet her halfway. A little slack on her leash allowed her to lunge at the baby strollers. I’d pretend to be apologetic and act like she’s out of control, saying, “Sorry, she’s not friendly” with the right amount of mock concern.

When a high school track team was running toward us, I gave her a quick “Gib laut!” and she barked her ass off, sending them sprinting in the other direction. If kids are too loud on the playground across the street, I have her run up slides and leap over swings, clearing them out real fast.

I set up a grooming regime, shaving random spots on her body and using dreadlock wax to make her fur matted. It’s hard work, but when trick-or-treaters avoid my house and there are pages of complaints on the Nextdoor app, I know it paid off.

Pit Bulls have been getting good PR lately, so people aren’t as afraid of her as I’d like. But if someone still wants to approach, all I have to do is tell them I got a deal from a backyard breeder and they keep their distance.

Opinion: I Prefer Sonic Youth’s Earlier Stuff, I Presume

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Sonic Youth is quite possibly one of the most influential bands of all time, at least I think so anyway. Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon have single-handedly inspired thousands of musicians, from what I understand. And although their later albums are listenable, I much prefer their earlier stuff, I assume.

Sure, I haven’t actually heard their early work, but I have heard of it. That’s what matters.

To be frank, I’m not sure I’ve ever listened to the new stuff either. One time I accidentally heard some of their middle-era material and really liked what I heard. But it turned out I was just listening to Nirvana’s b-sides and getting it confused with the Youth. Happens to everyone.

But from what I can tell from those lesser-known Nirvana tracks I heard, I definitely think I would prefer Sonic Youth’s early material. What’s the “Bleach” of Sonic Youth? That’s my favorite, I think.

Either way, I most certainly prefer Sonic Youth’s early t-shirts for which I have several. I have one I bought at a vintage boutique store for $80. It has holes which not only makes it look cool, but it’s also a sign that it’s old and part of their “early stuff” apparel.

And while I’ve never heard their album “Goo” I have seen a poster of it in my friend’s room and thought it was cool. Is that considered early stuff? I’m going to say it is and then go out on a limb to say I actually prefer it to their later posters.

If we want to call a spade a spade I have never in my life actually heard a Sonic Youth song. But if I did I’d just know their early stuff was better. Not, like, their first album. I’m talking their very first demo. I’m that big a dedicated fan of Sonic Youth, I presume.

Vegas Bookies Set 1:1 Odds of Uncle Bringing Up Benghazi at Thanksgiving Dinner

Posted on by John Danek

LAS VEGAS — Various sportsbooks set the odds of local Uncle Ron Whitmore mentioning the 2012 Benghazi incident during a heated political rant at 1:1 for Thanksgiving 2022, confirmed multiple problem gamblers.

“Uncle Ron’s 10 for 10 years running now, but people are really starting to forget about ol’ Benghazi—it isn’t the political flashpoint it once was,” observed veteran oddsmaker Lou Kirkland, who has previously set odds for Uncle Ron sharing Q Anon memes to the family group chat. “There are few certainties in gambling, but we know that Uncle Ron is going to bring up Joe Biden eating fetuses and Bernie Sanders being a Soviet plant. But Benghazi is the topic we all have our eye, and our money, on. It might not come up!”

Lara Oliver, Uncle Ron’s liberal college student niece, is a major X factor to consider in the unfolding of events at Thanksgiving dinner.

“I’m so sick of his conspiracy theory nonsense, and I’ve taken enough poli sci classes to shut him down if he even thinks about starting up,” stated a defiant Oliver, who volunteered to phonebank for John Fetterman’s Senate campaign. “Last year he referred to it as ‘the real 9/11’ which really set me off and inspired me to train year-round. If I ever hear the syllable ‘Ben’ you better believe I’m going to start screaming. But I did end up seeing some great odds on Uncle Ron getting mad enough to throw the turkey on the front lawn, I put $100 on that and I’m going to do my best to make it happen.”

Veteran sports pundits offered their veteran perspectives on the upcoming holiday dinner.

“Thanksgiving has been politically contentious for years now, so one of the major keys to success is to focus on the defense,” said Boomer Esiason, NFL analyst and frequent stater of the obvious. “More open-minded nieces and nephews may want to test the waters by poking Uncle Ron, but I don’t know that their offense is up to snuff. The X factor here is the special teams; can Aunt Mary bring out pumpkin pie fast enough to shut down a family-ruining fight? And let’s not forget that this is the first Thanksgiving since Grandma Whitmore died from Covid. That is definitely going to cause some problems down the stretch.”

Bookies are also scrambling to set odds of the likelihood that Uncle Ron will gift everyone in the Oliver family MyPillow-brand products.

How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence

Posted on by Dave McNamara

The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just start throwing haymakers as soon as the words “George Soros” leave uncle Kyle’s fucking mouth.

It’s important to make sure you’re not at the kid’s table when the shit goes down. It’ll be harder to explain your side when the cops come. Also, make sure the elderly folk are away from the frontline too. Grandpa hasn’t been in action like this since the Tet Offensive. And speaking of offensive, don’t let your sister’s shitty husband get away with wearing another “Don’t Tread on Me” shirt with a snake holding a pair of AR15s. Tread on this uppercut, motherfucker. One punch and all he’ll be able to eat this year are mashed potatoes.

If you decide to go for any weapons, make sure that the carving knife is not your first option. You don’t want to make any permanent mistakes. This is family, after all.

I recommend a pair of tongs or even lobbing a few wads of grandma’s sweet squash casserole at your target before you go in fists-a-flying. You might also consider the pepper mill your mom only puts out for holidays. That thing has some weight to it. Both physically and sentimentally.

Remember, it’s important to demand your worldview be acknowledged, even if it means busting a few heads at the dinner table. I did it and I don’t regret a thing, even with the 6 months of physical therapy I needed after last year’s Thanksgiving. Turns out cousin Jimmy still remembers a lot of his marine combat training.

Vegan at Thanksgiving Dinner Creates PowerPoint to Explain How They Get Their Protein

Posted on by Amanda Russel

MINNEAPOLIS — Longtime vegan Julia Trask presented a full 25-slide PowerPoint explaining how she gets her daily protein to attendees at her family Thanksgiving dinner this year, confirmed skeptical sources.

“Every fucking year I have to put up with all this fake concern about how I get my protein, and I know nobody actually gives a fuck,” explained a beleaguered Trask. “So this year everyone is going to sit through a 45-minute presentation with lots of sounds and animation about how nutrition works and how my eating habits are perfectly healthy. There are photos, flowcharts, and I’m going to really hammer this into their heads so nobody gives me any more shit from now on and I can just refer back to my presentation if anybody tries to.”

Trask’s mother, Lisa, says she is dubious about her daughter’s protein intake, but will reluctantly hear her daughter out.

“She’s been doing this dingdang nonsense for ten years now and I worry that she’s going to waste away into nothing if she doesn’t start eating real food,” said the elder Trask, who has been trying to get her daughter to just eat a little turkey at Thanksgiving for years now. “I don’t think she knows what she’s doing. Everybody knows meat is a hearty, healthy way to help build muscle. Meat, meat, and more meat, and then maybe some cheese and eggs. But I will admit, I’m a sucker for a solid, organized PowerPoint, so I guess I’ll watch Julia’s little presentation.”

Dr. Mortimer Grunch, an expert nutritionist, later watched the PowerPoint and shared his insight on its accuracy.

“Technically, she’s correct,” said Grunch begrudgingly, “But her mother is right, the easiest way to get enough protein is still gonna be meat. I mean, who wants to spend days soaking lentils and beans and then hours cooking them? Or sprouting your own tofu, or making your own tempeh? Or if we’re being honest, spending more than twenty minutes tops on a home-cooked meal that isn’t flavored by only meat? Plus, meat just tastes so much better than a bunch of bean sprouts.”

Grandpa Steve Trask, who was silent for the entirety of the presentation, surprised the entire family by standing up with tears in his eyes and declaring himself newly reborn as a proud vegan.

Why I’m Skipping Thanksgiving This Year To Be With My Olive Garden Family

Posted on by Vince Ratti

The holidays can be tough especially for people who can’t be with their loved ones because of some temporary circumstance. But then there are those of us whose family get-togethers are just way too much to deal with and push the limits of our bullshit tolerance.

Well I’ve made a mental health decision this year, and there’s one other place where, when I’m there, I’m family. Here’s a breakdown of why I’m passing on our annual family dinner to be with the people I love most, the staff of my local Olive Garden.

The drinking:
We all know what it’s like when your family starts getting sauced. Things get said, feelings get hurt, and fights break out. Last year I was cut off from the booze just because I passed out and threw up on the coat pile. My real family was pretty rude about it. Not like my waitress, Tiffany, who politely lets me know she can’t give me any more free wine samples (even if I’m still not sure which one will pair best with my bottomless minestrone) before winking and pouring me one more tiny Chianti. Salute, Tiffany.

The conversation:
Both will have small talk, but only one will be endless and painful. The people who share your blood will punish you with questions like “How’s your ex doing? We really liked them.” The toughest question I’m going to field at Olive Garden is “Wow, did you finish that whole basket of breadsticks all by yourself?” Yes, I did. Keep them coming, please.

The food:
My aunt must practice some dark magic to get her turkey to be as dry as the dust we’ll all one day become. There is no gravy in the world that can save it. Do I really want my dinner prepared by someone who stirs the food, lets the cat lick the spoon, then continues stirring? Or do I want the Tour of Mother-Fucking Italy? Honestly, there’s probably heinous shit going on in both kitchens but I’ll gladly take the one that’s at least worth the digestive fallout.

The crying:
When it’s time to cry, where would you rather be? Locked sobbing in the only bathroom in the entire house while your dickhead cousin pounds on the door? Or having your breakdown in a spacious handicapped stall as a concerned restaurant manager tries to calm you and tactfully assess if the police need to be called? It’s not even close.

Unlike my real family, my Olive Garden family doesn’t care that I’m not as successful as my brother and sister and when I return to my table I might even find they’ve left a few extra chocolate mints with my bill. Grazie.

Noise Musician Preparing to Spend Seventh Consecutive Thanksgiving Lying About Being a Jazz Musician

Posted on by Peter Woods

TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local noise musician Gary Wilkerson spent the past week researching music history and terminology in order to convince his immediate family that he is a jazz artist as opposed to a noise one during Thanksgiving dinner, sources close to Wilkerson report.

“It all started when my uncle Ron suddenly remembered that I played guitar in high school and asked if I still played music,” said Wilkerson. “I knew that trying to explain noise as a genre would have taken hours, because it’s so much more than just a genre after all. And I didn’t want to convince this dude who thinks REO Speedwagon is the epitome of Western culture that putting a bag over my head and blasting a distorted recording of a French dude vomiting has artistic merit. So I lied and just said I play jazz now. But now Uncle Ron keeps calling me ‘cool cat’ and asks me how those ‘hip jazz gigs’ are going every year. Continuing to lie about that is so demoralizing.”

While keeping the truth hidden may prove difficult, Wilkerson’s family continues to believe his story.

“We’re all just so glad that Gary finally stopped playing that screamy metal music and started playing something we can be proud of,” said Kim Wilkerson, his mother. “I like jazz! I don’t listen to it a lot, but there’s that one saxophone guy I really like. What’s his name? Oh yeah, Kenny G. He’s wonderful. I hope Gary sounds like that! I’m going to try to get one of Gary’s CDs so I can have my dentist play it next time I get a cleaning.”

Despite the family’s appreciation of the cover story, others in the local scene have expressed a sense of betrayal.

“Gary is totally abandoning a community that has always had his back by doing this,” said Nellie Dennis, a local noise act who plays under the stage name Repaired Vagina Quartet. “And for what? So he can have a comfortable conversation with his Dad? I would never turn my back on the scene like that. And if my mom ever forgives me for ‘the incident’ and finally invites me back for Thanksgiving, I’ll prove it.”

At press time, Wilkerson repeatedly asserted that lying to his family in no way equates to him abandoning his roots as a noise musician by dropping heat resistant microphone along with the turkey into a deep fryer.

Brewery Full of Bearded 34-Year-Olds Turn Around as Woman Shouts “Hey Matt!”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Mass. — Local woman Kelly Flowers nearly caused a riot on Saturday night as she accidentally signaled the attention of almost an entire brewery of bearded guys named Matt, non-Matt sources confirmed.

“I’d never been before, so I was having a hard time finding my friend. After wandering for a while, I thought I spotted him so I called his name. I had no idea what I was triggering,” shuddered Flowers. “As ‘Hey Matt!’ left my lips, I saw a sea of similar-looking men stand and turn. A wave of confusion washed over the room as they stared at me, wondering what I could want. It was mayhem. It took hours for the crowd to settle.”

Matt Brantley, a local software engineer, was sitting quietly at the bar when the scene occurred.

“I was peacefully sipping a New England-style IPA when suddenly I heard this woman shouting my name. As I turned, I could feel a pack of bodies move with me,” said Brantley as he mimicked the motion. “I didn’t understand what was happening at first, but as I scanned the crowd, the same repeated, confused look told the story. It was like looking into a hundred mirrors. The same Carhartt beanie colliding over and over, spilling gallons of ale on full beards. It was a chaotic nightmare.”

Jason Howell, a sociologist and naming expert who runs the popular BabyNamePlaybook.com, is tracking this phenomenon.

“It is common for names to go in and out of fashion, but something about the spike of Matthews in the late ‘80s was different. Whether it’s the nature of being called Matt, or the way we treat Matts, this isn’t just a popular name. This group seems to have coalesced around a set of norms and behaviors,” said Howell. “This brewery story isn’t one of a kind. All around the country, you can spot hordes of Matt, all with the same interests, following the same career paths, and even conforming to the same grooming habits. Look closely next time you’re at an artisanal food truck or axe-throwing bar. You’ll see them everywhere. Just be sure not to draw their attention by calling their name or speaking too loudly about ‘Breaking Bad.'”

At press time, the throng of Matts was seen heading to a new barcade across the street that charges $1 to play five minutes on an Atari emulator in a wooden cabinet.

5 Creative Thanksgiving Dishes to Make for the Eerie Porcelain Dolls You Call Your Family

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Traditional boring Thanksgiving dinners are fine for some families, who don’t care about celebrating our nation’s history with a little flair. Turkey with those little bows? Dull. Ambrosia salad? Disgusting! Bread up the ass of a bird? Pervert!

But it doesn’t have to be that way! If you really want to impress the collection of eerie, smiling porcelain dolls who live in the attic and that you call your family, try these delicious, easy recipes!

1. Sweet Meringue Yams

Sweet potatoes baked with marshmallows are as American as apple pie and holding Mother, the porcelain doll with the sinister expression and starched lace collar, while you stare into a mirror through the night. Try bumping it up a notch by baking a rich, sweet meringue onto Hasselbeck yams!

2. Wild Rice and Cranberry Salad

Thanksgiving food doesn’t have to be heavy, sugar-filled, and delicious! This healthy side dish of three different wild rice varieties tossed in a light cranberry vinaigrette is perfect to keep your waistline trim and unchanging, just as the cool, pale bodies of the only family you can ever truly love will never change.

Ever.

3. A Single Piece of Ceramic to Lie Cool and Still On Your Tongue

Not every Thanksgiving dish has to be a riff on an old classic! Instead, you can simply place a ceramic disk on your tongue and sit silently amongst your brothers and sisters, finally feeling like you are one of them. You are still. You are silent. The ceramic in your mouth is delicious.

4. Around the World Wheel of Cheese

Cheeseball? Get the fuck out of here! You can forget the artificial smoke taste of those globes of yellow-ass cheddar because you’ll have a real globe… of cheese! Simply use your atlas as a cheeseboard and place a chunk of cheese on the appropriate country and whisper the names of your sweet and perfect family to yourself. They will always love you and the terrible things you have done in their name.

5. Bloody Meat

Does anybody actually like roast turkey? Not when there is a pile of fresh, bloody meat still quivering from the kill, while your porcelain family slowly stand from their dollhouse chairs and move with the terrible sound of grinding ceramic to feast!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!