ARMONK, N.Y. — An ordinary snowman who came to life through magic recently was revealed to be one of those insufferable “top hat guys” you see sometimes, increasingly irritated sources confirmed.
“At first, I was stunned! There really is magic in the world! You just have to believe! But, then it sunk in…this snowman is really leaning into the whole ‘top hat’ thing just a little too much.” said the original builder of the snowman, Ayannah Baker. “You know what I’m talking about? The ‘aren’t I wacky?’ mentality… it’s just not the energy I wanted at the time, even if it was a moment I’d dreamed of since childhood. Just seemed like the type of snowman that would say ‘methinks’ and ‘lady fair’…Ugh, keep that kinda stuff away from me, Flakes. Then the buckle on the hat broke and it became a whole thing. I just want a heatwave to roll through and end this for me.”
The snowman reports that, while he’s happy with his newfound sentience, he’s noticed the need to defend his sartorial choices.
“Aside from maybe Slash, I’ve found that humankind just isn’t sympathetic to a top hat guy, I’m sad to say. It’s not even my hat! Just the one that happened to bring me to life!” said the Snowman. “And I know, I know, before you say anything, I’m aware I’m not helping my case by initiating madcap impromptu parades down Main street and spouting off speeches about the importance of keeping the magic of the season with you throughout the year…but, that’s just me being me! I swear, it’s genuine! And c’mon, at least I’m not wearing the cape!”
Leading fashion expert Hedy Rhys explained that the history of the “top hat guy” is a troubled and arduous one.
“Any way you slice it, the ‘top hat guy’ is probably someone you wouldn’t want to be associated with. You’ve got the steampunker, the magician, the ‘ironic’ groom,” listed Rhys. “And, of course, the super-serious Abraham Lincoln impersonator, who you really don’t want hanging around, since a John Wilkes Booth impersonator is never far from them. And those guys are the absolute worst.”
“And yes, this list is going to include the odd snowman-who-just-came-to-life-through-a- magical-hat, it’s just logistics,” Rhys added. “But, hopefully with a little willpower, we can all ignore any signs of forced quirkiness, and try and have a happy holiday.”
After holding a recent press conference, the Snowman announced he would meet everyone halfway with “an enchanted Kangol he found.”