Fiscally Responsible Punk Starts Dating Their Drug Dealer

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PORTLAND, Maine — Frugal punk, and self-described “hopeless romantic,” Tyler Castaneda recently devised a scheme to save money by dating the woman who sells him pills, thrifty sources confirmed.

“My grandpa had always taught me that your Addy, Xany, and booger sugar budget should never exceed 30% of your monthly income, but I was regularly blowing that number out of the water. And with the economy the way it’s been lately, and having already stolen all the catalytic converters in the neighborhood, I had to start tightening my bullet belt and look to cut some corners,” said Castaneda. “That’s when I had the brilliant idea to start fucking my drug dealer. She’s pretty good-looking, and the fact I know she carries two cans of bear spray and a small gun make the fling more exciting. Now I’m getting high for free and all it requires is some light prostitution and a bit of my already dwindling dignity.”

Slightly less fiscally irresponsible roommate Nella Barker disapproved of Castaneda’s decision.

“I came home to find Tyler donning one of those green visors and using an adding calculator like you’d see in a ‘Looney Tunes’ cartoon. I’m not sure how exactly he ‘crunched the numbers’ and came to this conclusion that regularly porking the creep that steals Adderall from her 11-year-old brother saves you money,” said Barker. “Because now we’ve got this person who is constantly in our house, dealing on our front porch, eating what little food we’ve got, and passing out on our couch.”

Financial advisor Ted Hutton offered his insight into Castaneda’s creative budgeting.

“I am the world’s first and only punk financial advisor. And with good reason, as you can imagine my advice is thoroughly reckless and incredibly dangerous. But for those looking to save some money with little regard to their own health or self-respect, I’ve got plenty of ideas,” said Hutton. “For instance, if you know you’re going to drink until you puke, do not eat beforehand. Why waste money on food that you’re just going to upchuck behind the venue? Also, taxes. Just don’t do them. Ever. That’ll save you $1.15 on envelopes and stamps right there.”

At press time, Castaneda is attempting to stretch his budget further by beginning a polyamorous relationship with a local diner waitress, his optometrist, and a wealthy, sickly octogenarian.

We Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat and Our Attorney Says This Daycare Center Actually Has a Pretty Strong Case Against Us

Posted on by James Knapp

The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere – and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well-educated.

However, as the court documents that we’re allowed to tell you about clearly state, “beat[ing] on the ‘brat’ (Timmy Goodson: accuser) with a baseball bat was not intended to be taken literally, and Hard Times [The] are liable…” and yadda yadda you get the gist, right? Our attorney has advised us not to continue.

Look, we didn’t plan on teaching all the kids what to do with a brat like that who’s always on your back when we went to the daycare center that day – we were only there to pick up our sister’s dumb little wiener kid while she was, ironically, tied up in court. But then we saw that Timmy kid being a dick to some other preschoolers over by the sports equipment shed and we just kinda thought “what can we lose?”

The answer to that question is potentially more than all of our assets and a mandatory 5 years in prison if this case doesn’t go our way. Unfortunately, our attorney is not optimistic as it turns out that the daycare center has security footage of us actually wielding the baseball bat – it was aluminum though, which we feel should count for a reduced sentence.

Do we admit we may have taken it a bit too far? Well, our legal counsel has advised us to say “no,” so that’s what we’re going with.

The important thing to remember here is that, regardless of what happens to us, there’s still a playground full of kids out there who definitely know now how to beat on a brat with such intensity and bloodlust that the judge in our case has called “so horrifying it could be modern art.”

So listen to the Ramones to learn life lessons and cudgel-based combat – just make sure that there aren’t too many witnesses.

And if someone could post our bail we’d appreciate it. We used our one phone call to prank Danzig again.

System of a Down, Deftones Announce “Nu Metal But, Like, Good” Tour

Posted on by John Danek

GLENDALE, Calif. — Two of nu metal’s most respected acts, System of a Down and Deftones, announced a co-headlining tour under the moniker “Nu Metal But, Like, Good,” confirmed representatives from the bands.

“This tour is dedicated to all our fans who shared our music with friends while apologetically saying ‘I know it’s nu metal, but trust me, it’s actually good,’” said Serj Tankian, frontman of System of a Down and current owner of Frank Zappa’s mustache. “Deftones are the only other band in a similar boat as us. Critics have to preface our reviews with ‘Listen I knowwww, but hear me out.’ We fully understand. We also heard Limp Bizkit’s ‘Hot Dog.’”

Deftones’ Stephen Carpenter recounted the difficulty in trying to find other acts to fill the tour’s bill.

“There isn’t a third band in all of nu metal who doesn’t suck at least a little,” stated Carpenter, longtime guitarist of the Sacramento group. “We briefly considered Korn but only under the condition that they stick to tunes before the year 2000. Let’s just say those talks didn’t go well. Limp Bizkit was never asked. We considered some deeper nu metal acts like Adema, Trust Company, and Taproot but holy shit, have you listened to them recently? I’m considering starting harpsichord lessons just to further distance myself from that shit.”

Longtime fans of nu metal are finally feeling vindicated after suffering decades of abuse from peers, friends, and music critics.

“They all laughed back in the day when I paid $300 for front row seats to see Deftones and Incubus, but nostalgia is taking hold—look who is laughing now!” exclaimed a self-righteous Danny Paulner, who has one tattoo for each System of a Down album. “Everyone is tired of 2022’s trends of obnoxious hyperpop and rehashed pop-punk. Now they’re crawling on their bellies back to the juicy riffs, slappin’ bass, and DJ scratches of nu metal. Sure, we still have to deal with the System of a Down guitarist screeching his bloody head off, but it’s a small price to pay for a concert of singalong choruses and 7-string guitar chugs.”

Hot on the heels of the announcement, barbers nationwide announced massive discounts on frosted tips.

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Cocaine Agrees: Your Opinion Is the Best One

Posted on by Dom Turek

Not to be dramatic, but I would rather listen to a parrot read the Old Farmer’s Almanac from start to finish than hear this woman’s story about how she met her partner. Does she really think just because it’s her wedding day all the attention should be on her? My new friend Hunter and I have been patiently waiting for what feels like years to ask people about their most traumatic childhood memories.

Hunter was at rock bottom before I set up camp in his nose. He was a real people-pleaser who went to bed before 7 AM, volunteered at the local animal shelter, and listened when people spoke. Not on my watch. As long as I am his plus one, he won’t be pleasing anyone but himself.

If anyone needs us, we’ll be in the bathroom railing lines off the back of a toilet tank and drafting a business plan for solar-powered microwaves that’s going to blow your fucking mind. Take one last look at your kitchen, because with his brains and my ingenuity, we’re about to revolutionize the home appliance industry.

Most people know that high achievers sleep less on average, but did you know they also blink less? In some cases, not at all. They also shower less, eat less and shit uncontrollably. Doctors will say its drug-induced gastritis but I say its the body ridding itself of excess bullshit. The only difference between you and a doctor is a first-aid kit and a few YouTube videos on Eastern medicine. Remember that.

Great minds have always encountered resistance. It’s not Hunter’s fault that he knows more about literally everything than you do. You saw the movie? He read the book. You read the book? He wrote the book. His breath stinks? Your attitude stinks. His nose is bleeding? Thanks for letting him know. Does anyone have a napkin?

Review: Meshuggah “Koloss”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week, The Hard Times looks back on a classic album. We also review it if we aren’t too drunk. This week we relistened to Meshuggah’s “Koloss” and discovered some interesting lyrical content we really weren’t expecting.

The brutal, extreme metal which Meshuggah has developed over the years naturally lends itself to a low, garbled vocal style. But that doesn’t mean they don’t put a shitload of effort into crafting their lyrics, focusing on themes ranging from life and death, existential skepticism, and the violence inherent of the universe.

Then there are these lyrics we discovered in Koloss’ lead-off track, “I Am Colossus:”

“I do prefer to sit in the front seat
whenever I ride in a Toyota Camry.
There’s just more legroom. It just makes sense.
Plus the cup holder is far more accessible.”

Well, that was pretty goddamn weird. It was pretty perplexing to us that a band known for heavy, brutal, and visceral lyrics would think to include a verse about seating preference in a mid-size sedan. Is it a metaphor? We aren’t sure, because before we could figure it out we were bombarded with these lyrics from “Break Those Bones Who Sinews Gave It Motion:”

“My friend Ben has a Camry.
Its front seat is cluttered
with empty McDonald’s cups.
It is hard to stretch my legs.
I want to sit there!
Clean your car, Ben!
Do it or I will
fill the cup holder with your guts!”

So is this a concept album? We couldn’t understand why Meshuggah would include two references to their friend Ben’s Camry on the same record across two songs. The good news was that we didn’t have to – because here’s the third one we found in the song “Demiurge:”

“I am sorry for my previous outburst, Ben.
I do not actually desire to fill the cup holder with your guts.
Here, let me assist you to clean up the McDonald’s cups.
Then we can drive to the rollercoaster park together.
I hope they have cotton candy.”

Okay. That’s kind of sweet. We still have no fucking idea why those are the lyrics but at least it’s nice they made up with Ben, whoever that is. So we guess, “Koloss,” kinda heartwarming. Good job, Meshuggah!

Score: 4 out of 5 Japanese sedans

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Shoegaze Guitarist Instinctively Steps on Mouse Trap

Posted on by Matt Bieker

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local guitarist Dylan Scharm recoiled in pain earlier today after spotting a set mousetrap on his father’s garage floor and instinctively stepping on the release catch, amused medical staff confirmed.

“I don’t even know why I did it,” said Scharm, gingerly removing the thin sneaker that failed to stop him from injuring his foot. “I play live with like, 20 pedals during a set at minimum, and I’m jumping all over those things. They don’t call me the ‘River Dancer’ for nothing. But like, I saw the mousetrap down there, and then suddenly I was on stage looking down at my board about to smash the Flanger. I should have know it wasn’t a pedal because of the huge chunk of cheese just sitting there. Goddammit, I think my pinky toe is broken.”

Scharm’s loved ones have said that the 29-year-old’s performance habits have affected his daily life.

“It’s constant with him,” said Scharm’s girlfriend Natalie Ramirez. “”He’s spent thousands of dollars and several years on custom pedals with stupid names like ‘Caustic Fuzzbucket’ and ‘The Grub,’ so I get why stepping on shit is ingrained at this point. He honestly just can’t help himself. Last week it was my phone. I put it on the ground for one second while I tied my shoe and he just stomped it like it was his fucking Boss OD-3. I’m scared to let him drive at this point.”

Scharm’s bandmates also weighed in on his strange and often destructive behavior.

“I’ve learned to live with it,” said Mark Tinsley, drummer for MOON/DOOR. “After our show at Mully’s Hideout a few months back, I went outside to smoke and I put my brand new pack of American Spirits on the steps next to me when I heard the door open—I barely moved them out of the way in time but he still got my thumb a little bit. The worst part is, all the stomping would be worth it if it actually made him sound any better.”

At press time, Scharm was seen removing all dangerous obstacles and potential pitfalls from his home, including his actual pedals.

We Look Back at 10 Years of “American Idiot” Because We’re in Denial About the Passage of Time

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Wow. Where does the time go? One minute you’re thirteen years old jamming out to your new favorite album, Green Day’s “American Idiot” of course, and the next minute an entire decade has gone by. Just a decade, though. Not any longer than that because I refuse to acknowledge how old I’ve become.

How can we forget those nights of staying up late and watching the “Holiday” video or looking up half-correct tabs for “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” on Ultimate-Guitar.com? It feels like it was just yesterday when we were all “rocking against Bush.” But, according to our best estimate, it’s been 10 whole years. But just ten years. It’s crazy how time flies when you’re in denial and terrified of death.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but no one is immune from the inevitability of aging. Hell, even the guys in Green Day must be in their late thirties by now! Can you even imagine a middle-aged Billie Joe Armstrong? It’s all but inconceivable!

Admittedly, we brought this on ourselves. We were in such a rush to grow up, it didn’t occur to us to cherish the privileges of youth. If we could turn back the clock we’d tell our younger selves just how fast ten years, and only ten years, can go by.

But denial is a dead-end road. “American Idiot” turning 10 shouldn’t scare us. If anything, it should warm our hearts, thinking back to that time when we saw ourselves as the “Jesus of Suburbia.”

We must also acknowledge how well this album has held up. So many albums show their age in one or two years, it’s remarkable that Green Day made something ten years ago that still feels relevant now. And given the current political climate, it might be relevant for another ten years.

10 Must-Try Coping Mechanisms That Won’t Help Phoebe Bridgers Fans

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that existence is a punishing ordeal that we all must endure until our inevitable deaths. But don’t let that keep you down! We’ve come up with a handy list of must-try coping mechanisms designed for anyone with a case of the blues…unless you’re a Phoebe Bridgers fan, obviously. None of this shit will work for anyone who owns “Punisher” on vinyl.

Stop Listening To Phoebe Bridgers

We highly advise against listening to any of Phoebe Bridgers’ discography if you’re suffering from the following issues: anxiety, depression, PTSD, allergies, stomach aches, or skelephobia as they will all be enhanced by her emo-folk indie-pop. We also suggest avoiding her collaborations with Conor Oberst and Julien Baker as they’ve been shown to cause severe indigestion. This should be a fairly easy one to follow, unless you are a Phoebe Bridger’s fan, then obviously you’re SOL.

Deep Breathing

We recommend taking a deep breath through your nose, holding it, and then slowly breathing out through your mouth. Let’s try it now! Mmh, ahh. Wasn’t that nice? And of course try not let this exercise remind you of Phoebe’s lyric “But you’re breathing in my open mouth, you’re the gun in my lips that will blow my brains out.”

Talking With Friends

 

Spending time with your closest friends can be just what the doctor ordered! The support of a loving companion who is willing to listen can rejuvenate even the most downtrodden among us. Honestly this one is foolproof, it would work for literally anyone! Anyone except the type of person who would spend hours telling their friends about the time they made .5 seconds of eye contact with Phoebe Briders at Lolla.

Adopt A Pet

 

When in doubt, take on more responsibility! That should sort everything out. Adopting a furry, scaly, and/or feathered friend could put the shambled state of your life into perspective, but remember that your pet isn’t a toy. If you start dressing your fur baby in a skeleton onesie and posting pictures until Phoebe Bridgers retweets you, that could actually make your pet’s mental health worse instead of making yours better. Really makes you think, huh?

Professional Help

 

Seeking help from an expert is nothing to be afraid of, and may provide key insight into your state of mind. If it’s good enough for Tony Soprano then it’s good enough for us! If there’s one thing we learned from that show it’s the efficacy of psychotherapy. Meeting with a professional is a fantastic idea as long as that “professional” isn’t a singer, songwriter, or music producer who looks like an insomniatic Targaryan.

Seriously, Just Take A Break From Phoebe Bridgers For A Bit

 

We get it, you’re enchanted by her poignant songwriting and haunting vocals. But we’re all getting worried by how much Phoebe Bridgers you’ve been listening to lately. Maybe take a break for a bit and listen to something more upbeat? How about some Lizzo? It’s bad bitch o’clock… Right?

Medication

 

Now, you may believe this one might actually work for Phoebe Bridgers fans. It’s just brain chemistry, right? It’s gotta do something! Wrong. You are wrong. Having worked closely with PBF’s in our research, we can say from first-hand experience that SSRI’s didn’t stop a single person from listening to “Moon Song ” on repeat until they passed out from crying-induced dehydration

Practice Yoga

Namaste! If you’re anything like us, then you’re not nearly as flexible as you could be. Practicing yoga would do wonders for your ability to stretch, relax, and meditate on your life. You could even try going to a yoga studio to downward dog in a group… but be careful. If “Scott Street” starts playing on the instructor’s downtempo playlist then you need to evacuate immediately.

Writing

 

Journaling is an excellent method of interpreting your thoughts and feelings in a logical way. Try writing down more ideas throughout the day to see the progress you’re making!  Just be careful with how deep into your psyche your writing goes, or you’ll end up creating song lyrics like “I’m gonna kill you, if you don’t beat me to it” about your emotionally distant father! And we all know who would be into something like that, don’t we?

Physical Activity 

 

Guess what, Bridgeheads? Gently swaying back and forth for five hours at a Better Oblivion Community Center concert doesn’t count as exercise. If anything that’s just alternative sleepwalking with extra head-bobbing. Go for a run instead!

Fine, Listen To Phoebe Bridgers

 

Whatever, go ahead. See if we care.

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Aging Fans Spend Most of Show Discussing Best Route Home

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LA MESA, Calif. – A group of 38-year-olds attending last night’s Social Narcolepsy gig reportedly spent the entire show discussing the best route home, confirmed nearby sources.

“Look, I’m trying to be in the moment and enjoy the show, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t also be thinking about the best way out of here as quickly as possible. We drove almost two hours to get here, I want to make it back at a decent hour,” stated Bryce Ferguson as he attempted to get a network connection for his Waze app. “There are like 70 people at this show, that could create a real bottleneck getting out of the parking lot and set us back upwards of 15 minutes, so we need to be efficient. There’s nothing ‘metal’ about only getting five hours of sleep. It’s still a work night.”

Bartender Janice Tewksbury explained how most conversations she had that night centered around the fans wondering how they could avoid construction traffic on the 405.

“When I wasn’t dishing out pitchers of water to those lame old dudes they kept asking if the roadwork is just on the shoulder of the highway or if they are shutting down lanes. It was the worst conversation I’ve had since an old guy asked me what my vagina looked like,” said Tewksbury. “They insisted I find them a physical map like it was 2005 so they could sketch out a route on a napkin. They didn’t even stay for the headliner, which is too bad since the band later announced it was their secret retirement show. Trust me, anyone who was here witnessed an epic once-in-a-lifetime performance.”

Expert at The Aging Fan Institute (AFI) Alana Mendoza, described how priorities evolve as you get older.

“When people are young, their unbridled enthusiasm for live music takes center stage,” Mendoza described. “But as they age, fans attend concerts for very different reasons. Just the act of getting your friend group to actually commit to buying tickets and attending a show is a victory. But once they get to the venue their focus shifts to hightailing it out of there as fast as they can. Because at this point in their lives they have less in common with the spirit of the music than they do with their shared desire to get back to the burbs and watch ‘House Hunters’ with their respective partners.”

At press time, the friends were almost halfway home and reminiscing about how awesome the show was.

Photo by James Knapp.

Merch Guy Asked to Start Work at 4 a.m. For Band’s Black Friday Deals

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SWEET HOME, Ore. — Local merch guy Adam Planville reluctantly went into work at 4 a.m. to prepare for the punk band Vegan Werewolf’s Black Friday sales event, sources who wanted to hit snooze a few more times confirmed.

“The show doesn’t start for another 15 hours and the venue’s not even open yet, but I have responsibilities as a merchandise professional,” said Planville while peeking outside to see if anyone had camped out for the deals. “I actually had to bust in one of the windows, carry in all the merchandise through broken glass, and set up in complete darkness because I couldn’t find the light switch. Breaking and entering is just sort of routine in this line of work. But hey, at least I’m getting compensated time and a half today, which means instead of the normal dozen beers they pay me, I’ll get an 18-pack. I guess there’s a silver lining in being taken advantage of.”

Members of the band stood firm in their decision to make Planville come in early.

“It’s Black Friday, fuck’s sake. We need to be prepared in case we get a rush of holiday shoppers who want to buy our demo as a stocking stuffer for their family members,” said guitarist Lenny Gravesight. “Last year we had as many as two fans burst through the door before sunrise, and we weren’t ready for that sort of volume whatsoever. This year we’re expecting way more. Maybe a whole six people. After all, this is quite possibly the biggest sales event we’ve ever run. Our fans can get 5% off their purchase of 10 or more products. Not even Best Buy is offering deals that juicy.”

Economist Tiffany Lambert revealed that no retail worker is safe on the historically polarizing shopping event.

“Employees are exploited 365 days a year, but Black Friday is typically the exploitiest,” said Lambert. “For one, retail workers are asked to come in while they’re basically still half-drunk and digesting Thanksgiving dinner. Mall Santas take quite a beating from children. And merch guys are forced to stand behind a table for over an hour while people peruse their products from a safe distance and avoid eye contact without actually buying anything. It’s inhumane, really.”

At press time, Planville wasn’t sure what the band meant when they asked him to come in early for their Cyber Monday deals.