FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Aging punk Mack “Sulfur” Hersch recalibrated his life’s mission from disrupting the effectiveness of the federal government to terrorizing his new house’s homeowners association, frightened neighbors reported.
“As I get older and wiser, I realize that change starts locally. Specifically, with these fuckers who think they can tell me what color to paint my fucking door,” declared a defiant Hersch, who finally has a permanent address in his own name after almost 49 years of couch-surfing. “It’s MY house, so I will do whatever the fuck I want with it. We’re talking basement shows, zine printing operations, and anarchist meetups. Some of the neighborhood teens have been interested in my messages. First, we destroy the HOA. Next, the FBI.”
Members of the Moore Park Homeowners Association are growing increasingly concerned with Hersh’s disregard for their rules of governance.
“Mr. Hersch is bound by the rules he signed just like everybody else—though if I recall, he signed with a drawing of a middle finger, which was alarming,” stated Phyllis Palermo, known for her passive-aggressive emails to the entire neighborhood. “If he doesn’t start abiding by our bylaws, he can expect swift shock-and-awe tactics the likes of which will make his head spin. No more large gatherings without a permit. No more out-of-tune electric guitar practice at night. You’re either with the HOA or against us. We must protect the Moore Park way of life.”
A spokesperson for the FBI admitted that they have been tracking Hersch’s activities for decades.
“The Moore Park HOA doesn’t stand a chance; we’re just thankful Sulfur is no longer working against us,” said Agent Richard Yarde, senior intelligence analyst for the FBI. “He’s exceedingly charismatic and capable of spreading anti-establishment ideals to the masses quickly. Through a stroke of good fortune, his 48th birthday hit him hard and made him realize it’s time to settle down. If the HOA doesn’t dissolve by the end of next year, I’ll be stunned.”
After being reprimanded for not mowing his lawn frequently enough, neighbors have reportedly seen Hersch wearing t-shirts with the slogan “No War But the Grass War.”