Yesterday, twelve of my so-called “friends and family” gathered in my living room to “have a conversation” about my “recent recreational use of horse tranquilizers.” No, it wasn’t a surprise Tranq party. Instead, it was the worst surprise of all time: finding out that the people I know are straight up fucking haters. That’s right. Twelve of my friends ambushed me in my house for the sole purpose of raining on my parade. I’m too high to remember all their names right now, but here are at least 5 people who are majorly hating on me for some reason.
My Mom
Who is the biggest hater of them all? My own mother. Just when I thought she had accepted me for who I was, she turned out to be one of those tries-to-send-you-to-rehab types. Damn it Mom, what do I have to do to make you proud? Get a Harvard degree? Stop robbing veterinarians? Fuck you and your impossible standards.
My Best Friend
Surprise, surprise. Jared Hoffman, my “best friend,” has apparently had it out for me all along. It’s no secret Jared has been jealous of me since I won that pissing contest in eighth grade, but I never expected it to come back to haunt me like this. All I can say is, we’ll see who has his back when he needs a best man at his wedding.
The Neighbor
Okay, why the fuck does the next door neighbor need to be here? Just because I woke up in her backyard one time doesn’t give her the right to barge into my living room and tell me how to live. I don’t barge into her living room and tell her how to live! …Anymore. Let’s live and let live here, shall we?
My Kindergarten Teacher
I’m gonna need to know who invited Mrs. O’Reily to this thing.
The Sober Guy in the YouTube Video We Watched
Get a load of this clown. “Getting sober is fun.” Okay, loser. Nice six pack and perfect hairline, by the way. Fucking dork.