Deluxe Box Set Features Over 40 Unreleased and Completely Unlistenable Live and Demo Tracks

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Indie rock legends Theory of Judah released a new deluxe box set that features terribly recorded and half-baked versions of all of their classic songs, confirmed label representatives.

“This one is for the die hard fans out there. We have been sitting on these recordings for a long time, and we never thought they would see the light of day,” said frontman and principal songwriter Anthony Porter-Lamply. “We included a bunch of demo tracks that were recorded in my basement in the ‘90s where it sounds like we are playing underwater, and there is also an infamous live recording where some wires got crossed and you can hear the sound guy complaining about us the entire set. He calls us a lot of nasty names, you need to buy the box set to hear it.”

Fans were initially excited about the prospect of a new box set, but were disappointed when realizing what it would include.

“I was hoping this would be a reissue of their first four albums that have been out of print for 30 years, but instead it’s basically the equivalent of musical garbage they scraped off the bottom of a trash can,” said longtime supporter Anya Helig. “This isn’t the first time Theory of Judah has let me down. Back in 2008 I bought a four-disc DVD that was supposed to document a coast-to-coast tour, but there were like eight minutes of them playing on stage and about 64 hours of them sitting in various green rooms talking about their favorite episodes of ‘Frasier.’”

Executives at Theory of Judah’s record label are anticipating a lot of positive buzz around the release.

“There is no easier way to cash in than to release another ‘collector’s item’ for all the rubes out there dumb enough to throw $140 at us. I’ve personally listened to every song in this box set and I can say with confidence that each and every second of it is a waste of time,” said Tricapital Record CEO Les Wilshire. “But here is what we are going to do, we press it on clear green vinyl. Claim it’s limited edition even though we are going to print thousands of them, and then I’ll count my cash on my new yacht while I’m off the coast of Sardinia. It works every time.”

The new box set will also be packaged with a 72-page booklet featuring copies of tour van rental agreements and hotel room receipts.

Indie Fan Underwhelmed by Local Zoo’s New Arctic Monkeys

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

NEW YORK — Local indie fan Ian Hudson was completely unimpressed with the Bronx Zoo’s new “underwhelming and derivative” arctic monkey exhibit that opened last Sunday, sources who knew them before they were trendy on the Discovery Channel reported.

“I liked the arctic monkeys better when they played in smaller enclosures,” said Hudson while smoking a light blue American Spirit. “Ever since I saw them in a tiny cage at the London Zoo back in 2007, I’ve been one of their biggest fans. But that was before they were popular. Now they’re just wandering around the habitat and eating fruit. It’s like they don’t even care about the people who supported them from the beginning.”

College student Isabelle Burdock, who last saw the arctic monkeys five years ago at her hometown zoo, had kinder words about the new additions.

“As soon as I heard the Bronx was getting an arctic monkey exhibit, I bought tickets for opening day,” Burdock said between sips of a Mexican Coke. “It’s really exciting to watch them play in this huge new habitat. The new tricks aren’t as intense as their older ones but I’m still having a great time. The people complaining need to get over themselves. If they want to be pretentious about smaller, more underground animals, the rodent exhibit is on the other side of the park.”

Zookeeper Tracy Innes acknowledged the attraction’s polarizing fan reception but urged disgruntled visitors to give the monkeys’ new material a chance.

“Ever since we announced this exhibit, my colleagues and I wake up to multiple missed calls from people high off their asses complaining about how much the animals changed when they went mainstream,” said Innes. “Arctic monkeys were all the rage with hipsters and college kids 10 years ago. They’re not going to do the same tricks they did in the past. They need new forms of enrichment in their enclosure to survive in captivity. Anyone who actually works with primates would respect that kind of evolution.”

At press time, Hudson was in considerably better spirits after leaving the primate exhibit to watch the zoo’s fleet foxes play with a piece of ragged wood.

Review: Grey Daze “No Sun Today”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Every Sunday we go back in time to review a notable record from the past. This week we focus on Chester Bennington’s band Grey Daze and their album “No Sun Today.”

I wanted to do a proper review of the final Grey Daze release in 1997, right down to the location and manner in which I listened. So naturally, I went back in time to November 1997 (Easy enough. My apartment complex has a time machine, in lieu of a pool and on-site laundry) and made my way to the Buckland Hills Mall FYE, the local CD store of my youth, to hear it on the complimentary listening stations: the way the album was meant to be heard.

Unfortunately, my plan got derailed pretty quickly when I realized how much gasoline the twenty-nine dollars in my pocket could get me in “1997” money. This was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up, naturally. However, that meant the security guards at the mall were pretty suspicious of me, what with the giant industrial drums I was trying to lug into the record store. Luckily I was able to create a diversion by lamenting the then-recent passing of John Denver. We all shared a cry and a chorus or two of “Rocky Mountain High,” and I was able to slink in, gas and all.

After securing a listening station between two respective slackers laughing at Jerky Boys albums (ah, the 90’s!) I noticed a throng of people making fun of a pudgy 9-year-old, who funnily enough was wearing an ill-fitting Animaniacs shirt that I had when I was nine. His peanut butter-smudged fingers were clutching a copy of the “Muppet Treasure Island” soundtrack, a favorite album of my very own in my youth, and looking around for his mom or dad to plead for a copy…I knew right then and there: I had to join in with the throng and make fun of this lame-ass elementary schooler. I popped off a couple of killer riffs, especially on his bowl cut which I’ll bet hit him particularly hard, since I know I didn’t like it when folks made fun of MY bowl cut when I was his age. Anyhow, back to the album…

Just as I was going to put the headphones back on, a guy burst into the FYE screaming “It’s done it! Supercomputer Deep Blue has defeated Chess Champion Gerry Kasparov!” Well, needless to say, the place went nuts. Champagne corks popping, fireworks going off…Manchester Connecticut is a Deep Blue town, sometimes you forget these things! At first, I said, “wait…it’s November, didn’t that happen months ago?” And a crowd of people started booing me. To save face, I yanked out the headphone jack, cranked up “No Sun Today” as loud as it could go, and joined the revelry. It was an afternoon that would go down in Buckland Hills history!

And now I’m back in 2022, and give this album two thu-RATS! Why didn’t I invent the damn Xbox while I was back there?!??? Ah, man! Next time I guess…

Score: Hindsight 20/20

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Bathroom in Fancy-Pants Bar For Billionaires Has Mirror You Can See Yourself In

Posted on by James Webster

NEW YORK — Local punks using the bathroom of a supposed dive bar felt betrayed when they realized they could see themselves perfectly in the mirror above the sink, confirmed sources ordering the most expensive canned beer.

“I felt like I was about to shit my pants, so I ran to the bathroom and everything seemed fine. The toilet was nearly overflowing, the door on the stall was missing, but then out of nowhere I see a pristine piece of glass,” said wasted patron “Peg Leg” Greg Auster. “A bathroom mirror is supposed to be covered in stickers, scratched to the point where you can’t see anything, or completely painted over. I came to this bar to be around like-minded people, but the fact I could see a clear reflection of myself made me realize this bar is for the richest Sheikhs of the Middle East or the British Royal Family. I’ll never shit on the floor of this place again.”

The Silver Trough owner and proprietor Eddie Lewis defended his decision to add a new mirror to the bathroom.

“Property values in this neighborhood are going up and I might want to sell this place someday. What says ‘luxury’ more than an 18×12 pane of reflective glass barely held to a wall by a few angled nails? Nothing, that’s what,” said Lewis. “Some of my regulars are already calling me a sellout, but ever since I put in that mirror, we have had more high-end customers that order mixed drinks and actually leave tips. I might look to upgrade some other aspects of the bar, like stools that don’t give you nasty splinters, or getting rid of that family of raccoons that live in the pool table.”

Jon Taffer, host of “Bar Rescue,” says minor upgrades to watering holes can often ostracize clientele.

“There was a punk bar in Baton Rouge that I did some consulting for. All I did was buy the barback a fresh rag for her back pocket and everything went to shit. The regulars revolted. They wanted the same 15-year-old filthy rag wiping the bar and their glasses that they were used to,” said Taffer. “I ended up leaving the establishment when a customer pulled a knife on me because I tried sweeping up some broken glass and rusty nails that were on the floor. These punks like things a certain way.”

Management at The Silver Trough further alienated their customer base by updating their Google listing with accurate hours of operation.

Help! I Accidentally Listened to Christian Rock and Enjoyed It

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Upon arriving in Tennesee for my friend’s wedding, I found myself cruising down the road in a rental car, blasting local radio, when something terrible happened. After scanning through about four hundred country stations in a row, out of nowhere an amazing rock song came on. Finally, something I can jam to!

This song had great drums, incredible vocals, and a killer bassline, seldom heard in radio rock songs. It was all perfect while I was cruising down the highway. What was this inspiring sound I had never heard before?

It was all good until I heard the line, “Even when you’re low, He will carry you high.” That’s when I realized “he” was probably not a promising bumble match but instead “he” was Jesus.

Goddamnit, I accidentally listened to Christian rock and enjoyed it. Help!

How could this be? I’ve identified as Agnostic since the age of five, but something in me changed when that melody kicked in. I couldn’t deny it. I was having a good ol’ time singing about Jesus.

Despite all my Irish Catholic blood, I’ve never struggled with religious shame until now. I sat with this for days and mulled it over. What did this mean? Was I now someone who could just enjoy Christian rock?

And you want the truth? I went back for more. That’s right. And I LIKED IT. The other songs were just as sick and just as Jesus-y! So what? I say, freedom of religion includes the freedom to enjoy Christian rock! And if I’m the first Agnostic Brooklyn hipster to admit that, then so be it.

Motherfuckers In the Back Really Wish Hardcore Singer Would Quit Singling Them Out All the Time

Posted on by James Knapp

SALT LAKE CITY — Local motherfuckers expressed their displeasure with the lead singer of hardcore band Big Butter for repeatedly and maliciously singling them out for a perceived lack of enthusiasm during a recent show, sources still wearing the earplugs they brought from home confirmed.

“I can’t believe the audacity of that guy! I bet he can hear us just fine, the drama queen. We were clapping, we were mumbling along to the lyrics, one of us even let out a ‘woo’ at one point. If he could have seen how hard we were nodding our heads he would have left us alone,” remarked motherfucker Clifton Marsh. “I really don’t see why he was always picking on us in the back either. I noticed at least four people in the very front who were clearly unconscious and bleeding. I didn’t hear them making too much noise, you see.”

Big Butter frontman Rick “The Churn” Tobolowsky disagreed with motherfuckers’ perception that they were being unfairly targeted.

“I don’t know who the hell those motherfuckers think they are. I have never singled anyone out – you hear that over there?!” shouted Tobolowsky, apparently at a lone showgoer who was waiting to use the venue bathroom. “Besides, if I did, by accident, single anyone out it’s only because they’re a bunch of little pricks who are too afraid to mosh and didn’t woohoo loud enough when I asked if they were ‘ready for this next one.’ And look at that, it turns out, they weren’t.”

Longtime sound tech Rob Stohlert elaborated on how the design of the venue itself can affect motherfucker-singer communication.

“It’s actually by design that the acoustics from the back of the crowd can’t reach the stage. See, if we create a true dead space of enthusiasm in the crowd, it helps keep shows structured and fewer x factors floating around,” explained Stohlert. “Look, I’m unionized and I don’t wanna have to deal with a lot of bullshit. As long as the bands are dead focused on singling out those few motherfuckers, then they’re not gonna notice I never actually bothered to plug in the PA.”

At press time, several more motherfuckers came forward to question where exactly the dividing line for “the back” was so that they could get the hell outta there.

Photo by James Knapp.

11 Excuses to Use For Staying Out of the Pit

Posted on by Chris Bowen

So you’ve gotten to the point in your life where you just can’t fucking take jumping around like a maniac in the pit anymore. Here are 10 excuses that you can use for staying out of the pit, while still maintaining punk/metal as fuck status.

“I had an uncle who lost a leg in the pit once.”

Your uncle was a thrashing maniac in the 80s. Such a maniac that one day during the Combat Records “Ultimate Revenge” Tour in ‘85, his leg was viciously torn off during Exodus’ set. You just can’t fathom suffering the same fate as uncle Dwayne.

“If I jump in the pit, who’s going to drunkenly yell into your ear all night?”
“YEAH, MY BUDDY IS IN A BAND TOO. HE’S GOT A BIG DRUM KIT MAN, I LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE, ‘I’M THE ROADIE I GET IN FOR FREE’ AND JUST CARRY IN HIS DRUM THRONE….” and so-on and so-forth.

“Only counterclockwise pits are real.”

This is also interchangeable with “clockwise pits.” “(X) pits were the only ones you’d ever see at Exploited shows in the 80s, so therefore they are the real ones.” With this logic, you might be able to convince one or two moshers to dance against the currents.

“I have court tomorrow and don’t want to show up with any more missing teeth.”

This is a classic one. You can even get creative as to why you have court. Might I suggest telling them you got drunk at a Texas Roadhouse and started fighting every redneck in sight like a Royal Rumble?

“It would be fucked up of me to spread my ear mites.”

Every self respecting punk knows that certain pests are a pain in the ass to get rid of. If you knew someone was risking their cred by not moshing because they didn’t want to risk spreading their ear mites to the rest of the showgoers, you too, would show much respect.

“I saw that movie “The Pit,” no way I’m going in there!”

“Oh man! Fuck that. ‘The Pit’ was terrifying! That movie traumatized me as a child! No way am I going into ANY sort of “pit!” (Spoiler alert: they never saw that movie, and neither did you.)

“Mmmy ockjaw ish reary actin up tday, I carn’t.”

You stepped on a rusty nail helping to put together your friend’s new DIY venue. Tetanus shots are for posers, so now your jaw is locked up. Just don’t break kayfabe when yelling into the frontman’s mic during singalong parts.

“My leprosy would most likely cause my entire face to end up smeared on the floor.”

I think every single punk, metalhead and venue owner would appreciate it if you didn’t let your rotting, leprosy-ridden mug just slosh around in the pit area. This one may require a facemask, or burlap sack of some sort to cover your face the entire show.

“I think I’ll just rob the merch table at gunpoint instead.”

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DO NOT ROB ANYBODY, ESPECIALLY THE MERCH TABLE. BUT IF YOU SAY YOU WILL, THAT MEANS YOU’LL MORE THAN LIKELY BE THROWN OUT OF THE SHOW AND IN TURN, STAY OUT OF THE PIT.

“What if something ACTUALLY happens to my knee and my worker’s comp case becomes legit?”

You’ve been cheating the system for a year and a half. Why would anyone in their right mind risk actually getting hurt just to jump around to loud music with a bunch of rabid chimpanzees? Not you, of course!

“My house arrest ankle bracelet tracks my steps and I don’t want the law to think I’ve run out of the county.”

This is another classic. You have 19 DWI’s and you were somehow able to dodge prison and make it to the show. That’s pretty goddamn punk.

Mom Needs Tour Van Home by 11 P.M.

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WEST ORANGE, N.J. — Local mother Helen McGuire allowed her sons to borrow her van so their band Uncle Punch could take it out on tour, but only if they had it home by 11 p.m., confirmed sources hoping to keep the van until midnight at least.

“I was already on the fence about them using the van for their little band, but I want to support my kids and their pursuit of the arts, if you could call what they do art. But if they want to do their little tours they better have my vehicle home before that clock hits 11,” said McGuire. “I know what kind of crap young boys get into late at night, I was young once so I know it usually involves having to hose down the seats. That’s why I told them there will be no sex, removing their sister’s car seat, or driving through the state of Virginia. If they don’t like it, they can use their non-existent royalty checks to buy their own van.”

Vince McGuire, the oldest of three and the band’s lead singer, struggled to balance his burgeoning music career and being a good son.

“Why does she have to be so far up our asses all the time? We’ve never even taken the van outside of a three-state radius, how much trouble does she think we’re going to get into in Bridgeport, Connecticut? But it’s not like we have a choice,” said the founding Uncle Punch vocalist. “It sucks, because we get invited to play these awesome clubs all the time that we can never go to. But we just tell people we’re only staying local because we’re ‘testing the market’ and not because it’s mom’s turn in the school carpool rotation. Can’t think of anything less punk than that.”

Tri-state area promoter Frank Dukakis has seen many bands pass through the scene on more than just borrowed equipment.

“We all know bands share instruments, equipment, and even people on a regular basis. But transportation is harder to come by and can be costly, and you can’t blame someone for borrowing their grandma’s 2003 Dodge Caravan over renting a practical cargo vehicle. I mean that’s $40 saved right there,” said Dukakis. “I’ve never seen any shows go off the rails from violence or smashed-up guitars, but nothing stops everyone in their tracks like two pissed off parents demanding the drummer hand over their keys.”

Uncle Punch later announced that the band has gone on an indefinite hiatus after returning their tour van with only a quarter tank of gas.

My Hilarious Tweet Would Have Gone Viral if Not for the Terrible Mismanagement of Twitter Recently

Posted on by Matt McInerney

This is bullshit. I do nothing but tweet gold and yet here I am, looking at big fat zeros. Just last night, I was dropping comedy gems on the world and I couldn’t get a single like! You heard me. I’m talking about me, a comedy mastermind at work, and I’m not even sniffing at going viral. There’s only one possible explanation. The recent mismanagement of Twitter is clearly to blame.

“Do cashews and peanuts ever look at walnuts and ask, ‘OMG, what happened?!'” See??? That tweet is a national treasure! Who doesn’t love that? Ever seen a walnut? They are totally fucked up looking! This tweet should have wound up in the Library of Congress. Instead, it laid a big ol’ goose egg all over my page.

Wait a minute. I just had a horrible thought. Do you think I’ve been shadow-banned? Is that what this looks like? I’m trying to engage with my audience of mostly bots but lately it feels like I’m just tweeting into the void.

This is probably just because I won’t pay $8 for that stupid checkmark. That’s what it is! Now that’s some horseshit. They don’t even mean anything anymore! Seriously, if anyone can just pay to get one, why would I even want one? You can always trace it back to the money.

Maybe I’ll give it one last go. I just need to spin one more gold yarn. Think. Think. Maybe like, “Ever see your wet dog after a bath and think: who are you?”

Now we wait…

What the hell?! I’m definitely being blackballed for not going blue. Is this what QAnon is?

Tim Cook Confirms 93% Of iCloud Storage Is Used up by Shaky 13-Second Videos of Turnstile Shows

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed startling new data about his company’s cloud storage system stating that nearly all the files saved to iCloud are low-quality live videos of Baltimore-based hardcore band Turnstile.

“We ran a diagnostics assessment and found over four billion terabytes of storage space dedicated to Turnstile videos since they played Coachella last April alone, it’s probably ten times more than that if you were to go back and look at all the videos since the band started,” said Cook while deleting blurry photos of a Turnstile show he attended in Los Angeles. “Cloud storage was once dominated by photos of pets, children, and vacation memories, but now it’s almost entirely dedicated to the genre-bending quartet. And just for the hell of it we’re going to offer an extra five megabytes of free iCloud storage to anyone that buys ‘Glow On’ in the Apple Music store.”

Show promoter Teddy “Fat Hands” Harris wasn’t surprised by the announcement.

“I’ve seen Turnstile go from an unknown opening band to headliners and I probably have about 150 hours of live footage of them taking up space in the cloud. Any time they play there is a sea of phones trying to record every single second,” said Harris. “If you’re standing at the back of the room you need to wear welders goggles or else the phone screens will start to burn your corneas. I made the mistake one time in 2015 and the screens were so bright it reset my circadian rhythm, I didn’t sleep for a week.”

Digital trend experts fear that the rising popularity of Turnstile could lead to severe environmental problems in order to preserve grainy, blown-out videos of the band.

“For the longest time Turnstile was a band that was popular with kids under the age of 16, then suddenly we started seeing a rising number of 45-year-olds clinging to their youth pretending to like the band,” said tech consultant Anna Marie Kester. “Eventually the band started becoming popular in elementary schools and nursing homes. This led to a large variety of people attending Turnstile shows, filming them for short bursts, and posting the videos. Apple is already investing more resources to prepare for Turnstile opening for Blink-182. The electricity they will need to generate to power those computers is expected to emit enough carbon to raise global temperatures by three entire degrees. This will be an extinction event.”

At press time, NASA announced they will mount an expedition to replace the Golden Record on the Voyager 1 spacecraft with a copy of Turnstile’s debut 2015 full-length “Nonstop Feeling.”