Wow, I am truly starstruck. I was walking around my local Stop & Shop a few weeks ago and ran into a person I’m pretty sure could be the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States.
He was a 70-something white guy with ill-fitting dentures and a confused look on his face that read, “I don’t know where the peanut butter is.” But you know what REALLY made me think he could serve on the highest court in the country? His total disregard for America’s student debt crisis!
“When I was your age, I paid for my bachelor’s and law degrees by working at a grocery store just like this one,” he said unprompted as I tried to slide by his cart, which was blocking the entire aisle. “I cut costs, unlike your generation. Me and my lousy hippie roommate had to split our half-dollar pack of cigarettes so we could afford to buy a dozen eggs for 97 cents, but we never complained. That’s America folks.”
When I told this man softly that I’d have to work more than six times as many hours as he did in the 1970s to pay off my undergraduate degree, I could have sworn I was talking to Clarence Thomas himself!
But the biggest deja vu moment when this man really proved he could be a genuine Chief Justice came when I was checking out. I was about to hand the cashier my discount card to receive the discounts the store had advertised, and he walked right up and swatted it out of my hand! Then he pontificated some shit that didn’t make a lick of sense, I just remember hearing the word “bootstraps” a lot.
He then walked right out of the store with a full cart of groceries he didn’t pay for. Amazing! It was so exciting to meet someone who could very well spend the rest of his sun-downing years making decisions that affect all of us, unobstructed by any means of challenge. So much so that I almost forgot I owe $84,029 in federal student loans, plus interest. Almost.
WASHINGTON — Members of the far-right militia group “The Oath Keepers” pleaded with a federal judge to let them attend just one date of the recently announced Metallica and Pantera tour before being jailed for participating in seditious activities during the January 6th insurrection, several angry white sources confirmed.
“Well, that figures. A federal court convicts me for being a loyal patriot, now I’m most likely going to miss the best tour any metal fan could ask for,” Oath Keeper founding member Stewart Rhodes angrily explained. “I got into my biggest drunken fistfights at those concerts in the past. And now I’m probably going to miss out on all the debauchery just because I had to partake in a lousy insurrection. All I have to say is Donald Trump better bail me out to catch this show. After all, it’s his fault I’m in this fucking mess.”
US district judge Amit Mehta weighed in on the possibility of granting the extreme militia members a hall pass to see the Walmart of metal tours.
“First of all, the treasonist atrocities committed by the Oath Keepers on January 6th are shameful and downright dangerous,” Judge Mehta said with a stern demeanor. “But not as shameful and hazardous as Pantera without the Abbot brothers. My objections aside, I am contemplating granting Rhodes’ request to see the tour under a few conditions: each Oath Keeper needs to be surrounded by armed guards, no buying of merch, no alcohol consumption, and absolutely NO indoctrinating anyone under any circumstance. I hope they don’t make me regret this.”
Famed drummer and unofficial spokesperson for Metallica, Lars Ulrich, expressed his thoughts about the convicts’ request.
“Listen, I don’t condone anything the Oath Keepers stand for,” Ulrich said while tuning his solid gold snare drum. “But their money is still good to us. It takes a lot of cash to keep a machine like Metallica running. And to anyone who might think it’s ‘dangerous’ or ‘irresponsibly stupid’ to allow members of a vocal and heavily armed right-wing militia to attend your stadium show, at $550 dollars a pop, it would be stupid not to.”
At press time, Rhodes made a request to the judge to allow him to eat at his favorite casino buffet before being sent to prison.
OAKLAND, Calif. — Green Day’s newest venture, Oakland Coffee, was criticized for using the same three bland roasts over and over again, confirmed multiple caffeinated sources.
“Green Day has always been about simplicity, so it just made sense to use three types of basic coffee beans and just roast them really loud and fast over and over again. People seem to be digging it, so we aren’t going to change the tried and true Green Day formula,” commented frontman Billie Joe Armstrong while lowering the shop’s espresso machine down to his ankles before pushing the buttons on the control panel as hard as possible. “Don’t tell anyone, but some of the newer unreleased flavors are literally the same flavors we’ve been serving just with different packaging.”
Self-proclaimed coffee fanatic Mike Brass was introduced to the coffee brand by his son and was met with a similar complaint over lack of variation.
“I got a few bags in the mail and thought the packaging seemed a little aggressive. But once I tasted it I realized it was all just sort of formulaic, nothing was really pushing the boundaries. There’s no melody of flavors or anything, just the same boring flavor for about three minutes and then it’s over,” said Brass. “They need to study the classics! Look at the drummer from Aerosmith’s coffee, it makes me want to get in my F-150 and drive around all day. The Aerosmith coffee changed with the times but never stopped delivering a punch, that’s how it should be done.”
Coffee expert Dr. Dana Jennings tried to spin the lack of variation as a positive.
“It’s the recycling of the same three roasts that makes the coffee so interesting,” Jennings offered while pouring various beans into test tubes and beakers to run undisclosed experiments. “Anyone can create a kooky blend and call it ‘different’ and ‘original.’ The real skill comes in using a very basic set of roasts in new and interesting ways. That’s the genius of Oakland Coffee. Maybe it’s an acquired taste and requires a more advanced palette, or if more people understood coffee theory they’d appreciate it. Or if they just really like Green Day to begin with for some reason.”
Recent reports have confirmed Blink-182 are also developing a coffee blend with even weirder pronunciations of all the bean origins.
All pop punk frontmen are the same. With their limited vocal ranges, minimal guitar skill, and shared affinities for black skinny jeans, these guys are so interchangeable that it would be difficult to tell them apart in a festival lineup, let alone a police lineup.
In the rare event that one faces consequences for their actions, these similarities make them surprisingly easy to replace. No pop punk frontman is essential when there’s a whole registry of other men who can sing out of their noses.
Replacing a scumbag pop punk frontman can often be a blessing in disguise. Typing out a notes app statement about his removal from the band is a fantastic opportunity for his bandmates to explain how they’re the real victims of the whole situation.
Time away from the band is also great for former frontmen to work on endeavors of their own such as podcasts, songs about cancel culture, or defamation lawsuits. It’s ridiculous how far some girls will go to ruin the careers of promising young musicians with hundreds of Spotify listeners. Nevertheless, pop punk bands should take these situations seriously, especially if they were looking for an excuse to get a new singer anyway.
The new guy won’t need much practice filling the shoes of a disgraced vocalist. He probably already knows all the older chords since he played similar ones in his previous band. So long as nobody remembers why that group imploded, fans will welcome him with open arms.
Maybe the frontman he replaced will get the chance to fill another’s shoes if everyone forgets about his own crimes in a few years. Best case scenario, he might get invited back into the band if his replacement ends up being even more of a PR disaster.
Pop punk vocalists may be above the law, but none are above being replaced with another dude whose singing talent is inversely proportional to his understanding of consent. As long as bands have a vaguely worded apology and a near-identical replacement waiting in the wings, they can keep playing all three of their chords as if nothing happened.
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Legendary hardcore band Hatebreed were spotted congregating around their very own fiery band logo to kick back and roast marshmallows in a rare, leisurely moment for the typically abrasive group, several heavily tattooed sources report.
“Obviously, we have the most iconic, tough, and memorable logo in all of hardcore history, but very few people know it also provides us with a reliable source of heat,” explained a bundled-up Jamey Jasta, longtime singer for the band. “It’s kept us warm many times while on tour, especially whenever we’d play those cold abandoned warehouse DIY shows. But most of all, we like to all sit around with bands like Madball and swap old scene stories while cooking up some s’mores. You haven’t had a s’more until it’s been cooked over a 25-year-old band logo.”
Hatebreed fan Angela Lopez found it odd that one of her favorite beatdown hardcore bands was spotted doing such a wholesome activity.
“Hatebreed had just played a killer set, and as I was leaving the show, I noticed quite a bit of smoke coming from the parking lot,” Lopez explained as she was receiving another crew-inspired chest tattoo. “That’s when I noticed what looked like Hatebreed themselves gathered around their logo in some sort of alpha male tough guy kumbaya. I didn’t want to bother them, so I just walked by minding my own business while they played an acoustic version of ‘Destroy Everything.’”
Local county fire marshal William Rogers used his 25+ years of experience to warn others about combustible music trademarks.
“Sure, band logos engulfed in flames look cool and really set the tone for what kind of band you’re in for, but a lot of people lose sight of the potential hazards they can pose,” Rogers stated. “In one instance, the Offspring were sitting around their fiery skull logo roasting some weenies when the wind blew the flames damaging the ‘Cingular Wireless Stage’ at a Warped Tour. It’s always important to remain cautious around dangerous logos like these, which in some cases, can be more detrimental to your health than the band members themselves.”
At press time, Jasta and the rest of Hatebreed were seen frantically putting out a fire on the Madball mascot caused by their irresponsibly unattended logo.
This week we take a look back on The 2004 metalcore album “3750” by the pride of Chicopee, Massachusetts, The Acacia Strain. Or, at least, we tried to…you see, there was unfortunately some confusion.
When I first asked the Hard Times what I’d be covering this week, they quickly responded with “3750.” I said “Uh, I’m really sorry, but I’m a little short on cash this week…could you do a lower price tag? I really want to do a review this week.”
Again, they said “3750.” I sent them a picture of my opened change purse, with the witty blurb “see? I can’t even afford a moth to fly out of this thing, much less 37 and a half bucks! Ha ha” and waited for them to respond with either a lower price point or, since they enjoyed my little joke so much, just the name of an album without me having to shell out any money.
Nope. They said “3750.” Dang! I thought hard. I was about to tell them that I didn’t recall having to pay anything for any of the other reviews I’ve done, but stopped myself in case there was some clerical error and their next response was an invoice. Better keep a low profile.
I said “Ok, well, I’ve got three dollars and 18 cents, so I’ll just scrounge up 34 dollars and 32 cents and we’ll be off to the races – Say! The races! Maybe I can get some more dough by betting on at the dog track!” to which they responded “3750.”
I was stopped in my tracks. I noticed there was no decimal point at all! They were asking for 3,750 big ones! It would take me years to accumulate that sort of wealth. I did the math in my head and, any which way I fudged the figures, it just didn’t seem fiscally responsible for me to pay almost 4000 dollars to write a 30 dollar review.
I handed in my uniform (my head’s been chilly ever since from where that propeller beanie used to be) and told them that I’d no longer be able to write reviews for the Hard Times. I left on a hopeful note, however. I signed off my resignation letter with “Hopefully I’ll be able to one day write for your publication again, some year down the line.” to which they graciously responded with “3750.” Only about 172 decades from now! By then I should be rich!
Anyway, hope to see you all in a few thousand years!
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Local child Kevin Gallagher is enjoying much of his day watching a “Courage the Cowardly Dog” marathon with his uncle Pete Firman, completely oblivious to the fact that Firman is absolutely whacked out of his gourd on psilocybin, sources who have seen this kind of shit before confirm.
“I love hanging out with uncle Pete. We watch cartoons for hours together—and he like, really watches them. I kinda can’t remember the last time I saw him blink,” said Gallagher right as the “King Ramses” episode started playing. “It’s neat, but I’m not really sure why he looks over at me every hour on the hour and asks ‘is this real?’ again. I guess it’s just him being silly. Grown ups are weird.”
Firman attempted to give his perspective on his nephew supporting him through his hero dose.
“Fuck, I remember this episode. That creepy mummy is gonna tell the dog to ‘return the slab,’ and then that spooky song is gonna start playing. Oh man, I might not make it through this one,” babbled Firman while gently stroking a plush blanket he found. “Yeah, without Kevin sitting here with me I’d probably be lying face down on the lawn with my eyes closed right now. Honestly, a while back he got up for a minute to get a glass of milk and I just started crying. I might need therapy after this trip.”
Ryan Clockerburg, an executive for Cartoon Network, explained the methodology behind developing programming to suit both small children and hallucinogen enthusiasts.
“We here at the CN cater to a very diverse audience,” said Clockeerburg. “Our programming has to be engaging enough that younger viewers will plop themselves mindlessly in front of the television for an entire afternoon, yet non-threatening enough that their acidhead relatives won’t start identifying conspiracy theories in ‘Dexter’s Laboratory’ reruns. It’s a fine line, but we do pride ourselves on providing a product that all sorts can feel comfortable letting their minds dissolve in front of.”
At press time, Gallagher once again excelled in his tripsitting duties by refilling Firman’s water glass while trying to figure out where his parents had hidden the Fruit Roll-Ups.
I’ve been living on this godforsaken planet for twenty-six years and, until today, I’ve never
ever felt like I belong. Well, all that just changed. I’ve been looking at myself the wrong way all my life. The reason that I’m seen as a “loser” has nothing to do with me flunking out of high school or getting a DUI because apparently a golf cart constitutes a vehicle if you take it out on the freeway. No, it’s because I’m simply not built for this society. I’m a wild, untamed beast. A two-faced wolf trying to get by in the inhospitable wasteland that is modern society.
There are two wolves raging inside of me. One seeks the cruel chaos of nature. The other strives to build and protect his tribe. Now, a quick thing about these two kick-ass canines. They’re both gonna need a little extra time getting the rent together this month.
You see, business hasn’t exactly been booming for either of them lately. One of the wolves has gotten really into Elden Ring, so that’s kind of interfered with its job search. The other one’s working on a killer EP that’s totally going to get it a label contract, but that’s still at least a few months away from completion.
Basically, there’s a ton of really cool stuff going on for both of them, but paying the rent on time this month is just not going to be one of those things. So how about you spot us the money, and they’ll get right back at you in like three weeks tops? Consider it a donation for endangered animals.
Tool is a platinum-selling, Grammy-winning, Billboard-topping collection of brilliant artists. Despite selling out arena tours, the average person does not understand the genius of the band. We do. Here are 10 reasons why Tool fans are smarter than you.
Tool fans don’t need to be spoon fed
Unlike fans of mainstream crap, we don’t need frivolous radio-friendly ditties, short album runtimes, or even actual “songs.” We appreciate recorded answering machine messages, cookie recipes, and nine minutes of literal crickets even more than the music. Sorry if that offends your conformist sensibilities, simpletons.
Tool fans understand genius
Maynard James Keenan devoted his life to strategically deploying truth into our ears. In the brilliantly titled, “Rosetta Stoned,” Maynard illustrates the torment of being a vessel of enlightenment, “Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position. Such a heavy burden now to be the one. Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending. To write it down for all the world to see. But I forgot my pen, shit the bed again, Typical.”
He just described martyrdom better than thousands of years of religion and literature. It’s simple – either you get it, you don’t, or you’re just jealous. It’s our obligation to delve into the subtle scientific and philosophical ideas embedded in the work, share our observations and theories with those that get it, and protect the art by pushing down fake fans at the merch booth.
Tool fans understand music theory
Tool’s music is technical and difficult to listen to, which makes it important. To appreciate Tool, you must possess an artist’s ear. You don’t just listen to Tool, you engage with it. But these musical savants take it beyond the conventional pop garbage. They created their own time signatures that only they possess the skill to play in, but try explaining that to the DJ who won’t play “Prison Sex” at your cousin’s wedding.
Tool fans do the work
Tool songs aren’t written, they are constructed. Tool albums are precisely engineered. Anyone with a brain knows Tool wrote the song “Lateralus” based on the Fibonacci Sequence. It’s all about expanding reality and the elasticity of time. But that’s entry level stuff. The most diligent of fans know that if you rearrange the track listing of the Lateralus album in the Fibonacci Sequence, you get a whole new secret record, dubbed the “Holy Gift.”
Fucking brilliant, right? This is how deep you have to get to truly appreciate Tool, after all, we know the pieces fit, because we watched them fall away…
Tool fans are educated
Listening to any Tool album is a crash course in transcendentalism, linguistics, spiritualism, mathematics, mysticism, symbolism, and the chakras. Listening to multiple Tool albums in full over and over is like internalizing the Library of Congress, the Library of Alexandria, and the Dead Sea Scrolls all at once. Spend one day reading the lyrics to Tool songs, and you’ll be smarter than all of the teachers at Park Vista Community High School. Spend weeks studying the lyrics and you definitely don’t need college, so it actually doesn’t matter that I dropped out, dad.
Tool fans love a challenge
Maynard is a military man, a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu master, and a celebrated winemaker. He is a perfectionist and expects nothing less from us.
When he says we’re insufferable, pranks us on social media, and refers to us with ableist slurs, he is just challenging us to look deeper.
Why else would he write song after song about butt stuff? That would turn any casual listener away, but the chosen few take the invitation to explore the deeper meaning of “Stinkfist.”
Tool fans are patient
There were three years between Undertow and Ænima, then five years passed before Lateralus was released. There was another five years wait for 10,000 Days. 13 years later Tool bestowed us with Fear Inoculum. There are precious few fandoms that would tolerate this, but we relish it.
We yearn for Tool to produce more awesomeness, but we know the best is yet to come, as long as it’s heavy, meaningful, and doesn’t change drastically from one album to the next.
Tool fans aren’t afraid of controversy
The average person can’t deal with a band that upholds anti-establishment principles. Their precious minds can’t handle when a band goes against the grain, shuns public attention, and rails against music industry censorship.
We are the same way. Even when the band members themselves specifically insult us, sues everyone involved with their album art, and make us wait a decade between album releases, it just weeds out the unworthy. Tool’s not afraid to treat their loyal fans like shit, and that just makes us love them even more.
Tool fans have a sense of humor
Just because Tool explores the darkest depths of humanity, doesn’t mean their albums don’t include hilarious Easter eggs.
I’m literally laughing out loud just thinking about how they snuck 69 tracks onto the Undertow CD, how the album title Ænima is Anima (Latin for soul) plus enema, and the song, “Die Eier Von Satan” means “The Balls of Satan.”
Their throwaway jokes they put in are as brilliant as the funniest episodes of “Rick and Morty” and Bill Maher (two shows, by the way, that only Tool fans are smart enough to understand).
Tool fans don’t need therapy
Tool’s lyrics are so introspective, you don’t need some doctor’s phony empathy. Getting your fucking mind blown musically beats anti-depressants any day. Next time your parents, or ex wife, or some county judge insists you go speak with someone, tell them you’ll just listen to Undertow instead.
TROMAVILLE — Melvin Junko, also known as the Toxic Avenger, recently revealed that he is going to therapy for the first time in hopes of bettering himself, optimistic sources confirmed.
“Just last week I was sitting in the audience for a musical about my life. It was supposed to be rad. Like, ‘Point Break’ and Michael Keaton’s ‘Batman’ all mixed together,” said Junko. “Instead it was like catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror while taking a dump in a puppy’s face after eating bad sushi. And after seeing all the havoc I wrought in the city of Tromaville, all the pain I caused…it made me realize anger was the real supervillain of my origin story, ya know? I wanted to better understand what made me so toxic. It wasn’t just radioactive gunk, it was deeper.”
Shawn Jackson, owner of a local bookstore frequented by Junko, commented on his customer’s change.
“Back in the ‘80s, dude mainlined Hustler and Playboy. That’s it. And he’d come in like twice a day, every day. That money kept me open through the dotcom bubble and Amazon’s bullshit,” said Jackson. “Then, one day, he comes in asking for Tony Robbins and a copy of Your Best Life Now and I’m like, ‘you want a side of titties with that?’ And he said no! Now he’s only buying the newest Deepak Chopra and trying to regrow my missing eye with acupuncture needles he made out of ‘repurposed timber.’ That’s just dirty splinters, bro, Man. His granola ass fucked my bottom line all to hell.”
Junko’s landlord, Kyle Hermann, also weighed in on the transformation.
“Since he started self-actualizing, he’s saved me a fortune on chains,” said Hermann. “Tethering him to the basement wall by his neck was the only way to keep him from tearing the other tenants apart during his night terrors. Combination of CBT and ginkgo biloba, I hear. Though I must say, I will miss stealing his security deposit.”
Junko, replying to those who might recommend prescription medication for his mental health issues, was adamant that he’s staying on the natural route as he “is done with toxins of any kind.”
