Guy Who Did Original Mastering on Album Guesses He Will Just Go Fuck Himself

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

QUINCY, Mass. — Local sound engineer Terry Crain was dejected to see an album he mastered 15 years ago for $250 is now being remastered without any of his “valuable” insight, confirmed studio interns that don’t think they will be getting any college credits.

“I take this as a direct slap in the face. This is what I get for working with a bunch of talentless punk kids, I spent at least five minutes per song making sure all the levels were absolutely fucking perfect. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother,” said Crain in the studio he hasn’t invested a single dollar in since Clinton’s first term. “I know the guys in Checkpoint were complaining that you could hear me coughing in the background of a handful of tracks, but that sort of thing adds depth to recordings. I’m sure when they play live people are wondering why nobody on stage is hacking up a lung during their favorite, well-mastered, songs.”

Checkpoint frontman Mike Campbell explained why the band decided to remaster their debut album “The Pain of a Forgotten Past.”

“My dad was friends with Terry so we figured we could save a few dollars and get a passable record,” said Campbell. “We recorded the whole album in 23 minutes. Terry didn’t let us do a second take of anything, including the part where a light fixture fell on our drummer Nate during the last song. He kept suggesting we pay him in beer, and we kept telling him we were underage. Honestly, I’m embarrassed his name is even in the liner notes. So yeah, we had Kurt Ballou remaster it because that’s what any logical person would do.”

Longtime Checkpoint fans were excited about the reissue, but admit they couldn’t really tell the difference between the two recordings.

“I guess the guitar sort of sounds a little louder in the remastered version? And maybe the vocals are a bit more clear? But that depends on whether I’m listening to it in my car or on headphones,” said former Bridge 9 forum moderator Ashlee Listford. “Ok the one thing that is definitely more clear is the soundbite they used from ‘The Boondock Saints,’ the original clip is sort of muddy sounding, but on the remastered version I can actually make out what Willem Dafoe is saying.”

Former Checkpoint drummer Allen White was also upset with the band when he wasn’t asked to play any of their reunion shows because of “politics” and having racked up six DUIs in the last year.

Punk Hoping Cat That Bit Him Two Weeks Ago Is Doing OK

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Kyle Shillington was seen canvassing his neighborhood in hopes of confirming that a feral cat who bit him survived the ordeal, skeptical locals confirmed.

“I never had a pet growing up, so it seemed like fate brought us together when I met him at the dumpster behind the Chinese place next door. I’d been hooking him up with slightly expired Cheetos and Red Bulls all year when he just up and bit me with what felt like extreme malice. I want to be angry but I’m like 99% sure I just gave him a death sentence once he broke the skin,” said Shillington. “It’s been two weeks and I haven’t seen a trace of him since. I can only hope he found a new place to hunker down, but if we’re being realistic the fact that I have all three forms of Hepatitis doesn’t bode well for that furry little guy.”

Shillington’s roommate voiced his concern for the cat’s well-being days before the incident occurred.

“Between the elements, food scarcity, and dodging cars all day, I never thought this cat’s fate would be decided by a guy who views eating fruit as conformist. I told him a feral cat is the last thing we need hanging around the house and it’s only going to end with somebody dying, and it sure as shit wasn’t going to be any of the mice living in the backyard,” said Tim Platz. “He’s never not loaded, so one drop of blood and that cat must’ve had instant alcohol poisoning. Kyle has a good heart, but animal rearing is not in his wheelhouse. Last year animal control came and took his ferret after the neighbors found it covered in wood glue, trying to hotwire their car.”

The local ASPCA has reported an alarming increase in animals plagued with human afflictions, putting entire counties at risk.

“It’s six degrees of bullshit nowadays. The other day I had a dog come in with rabies because he bit a guy who was bitten by a raccoon! We’ve had to put so many animals who’ve bitten someone down not because they’re dangerous to society, but because they’ve contracted polio. Thanks, anti-vaxxers,” said volunteer veterinarian Ashlee Smith. “With this cat though, our best case scenario is that when it does die, it won’t do it near or in the local water supply. Last thing we need is a ‘28 Days Later’ situation because a crust punk didn’t shower for six months.”

As of press time, Shillington was relieved to hear his feline friend was alive, after reports of a cat matching the same description was found the next town over and had killed several people.

I Said I’m a Guitar Nerd, I Didn’t Say I’m Good

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Welcome to my studio! Or at least the part of the basement that my wife lets me keep all of my gear in. I’ve got a lot of cool stuff down. Feel free to take a look around. You’ll probably notice I’m a total guitar nerd. Go ahead, ask me anything about it! I’m sorry, what’d you ask? You want to hear me shred? Um, look, I said I’m a guitar nerd. I didn’t say I’m good.

I see you looking over my shoulder here. Yep, that’s the real deal. This guitar was actually hand-made by Les Paul himself. And it features a totally custom, one-of-a-kind paint job. It’s a real beauty. I don’t even want to tell you how much it costs… Whoa, whoa, don’t go picking it up! I don’t need your grubby fingerprints all over it. I’m sure you want to hear it, but just trust me. The thick searing sound is unmatched. The one time I played it, you’ve never heard the chorus of Everlong played on repeat with such a rich tone.

Why don’t you take a look over here instead? You’ve gotta see my isolation box. I custom-built it to perfectly fit my 1960 Vox AC15 Twin amp. Then I wired it all up, and I ran these pure gold cables into my vintage rack-mounted interface. It’s like a tiny Sound City, but even better because it’s totally unsullied. And as soon as I write my masterpiece, you can imagine the recording is going to sound incredible.

Have you seen my pedal board? Check out this baby. That’s a Klon. I found it for $20,000 on Reverb. One of the very few left in the world. The craftsmanship is pristine. You should see the germanium diodes and the soldering. Well, I haven’t actually seen them. I would never open it up. Also, the components are covered in epoxy resin. But you could imagine what it would be like. And it works like a charm. Truly the way the low E string on ‘Smoke on the Water’ was meant to sound.

Alright, let’s head back upstairs. We can take a look at my Magic card collection. Whoa, I said LOOK at my Magic cards. I don’t even want to know how much value these babies could lose if you smudge up that second sleeve.

Review: Fiddlehead “Springtime and Blind”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we took a look at post-hardcore supergroup Fiddlehead’s first full-length album “Springtime and Blind,” which the band wrote over the span of three months they spent snowed in at an isolated cabin in an uncharted area of haunted wilderness.

Details as to how the band arrived at the cabin are suspect. Several experienced mountain men claim to have seen a group of hardcore statesmen traveling via moose back through the dense forest days before the snowstorm swept the area. All that is known for certain is that once arriving at the cabin there was no going back.

Tracks from the album describe countless, creepy and cerebral aspects of being blizzarded into a small wooden room surrounded by ghosts.

The lead-off track, “The Walls Bleed Always,” apparently describes a red, molasses-like substance that constantly poured from the ceiling edges. Blood perhaps? They seemed to believe so, and tasted it several times to be sure.

Then the album moves into the slower ballads “A Weird Shadow Constantly Circles Outside” and “We’re Pretty Sure the Bass Player Is Possessed by a Succubus.” More than any others on the album, these tracks illustrate the indie side of the band, eschewing the more post-hardcore elements of their songwriting for hushed vocals about how “if we stay away from the windows it won’t know we’re in here,” and the sounds of an eerie, Victorian doll humming hauntingly after the band locked it inside a toy chest.

But the stand-out track from the record has to be the blistering anthem “Skeletons! There are Skeletons Coming Up From Under the Floorboards!” which showcases some of the band’s best use of layered vocals through nearly eleven minutes of prolonged screaming followed by a sudden cut to silence which lasts another eleven minutes.

Overall, “Springtime and Blind” is a comprehensive look into what life overwintering in a haunted cabin can do to a band’s psyches. Also, we wish the members of Fiddlehead the best as they all remain under intensive psychiatric care.

Score: 10 out of 10 Skeletons! More Skeletons!

/**/

Tim Armstrong Has Ribs Removed So He Can Reach His Own Guitar Knobs

Posted on by Jon Wood

LOS ANGELES — Rancid frontman Tim Armstrong recently underwent elective surgery to remove several ribs that long prevented him from reaching the knobs on his distinctively low-slung guitar, confirmed several sources with very different opinions about which Rancid album is the best one.

“It feels like an enormous weight has been lifted. I can’t believe how long I’ve been playing this way. Just think about how great our Op Ivy stuff would’ve sounded if I’d just been able to switch pickups and dial back the treble,” said Armstong. “Looking back on all those years when I would holler at the crowd to ‘pick it up’ I see that it was a veiled cry for help—but now I can reach all the way down by myself. I like it so much that I’ll be locking myself in my room for the next several weeks to reach those knobs.”

Rancid bassist and long-time collaborator Matt Freeman believed Armstrong might’ve gone too far.

“I think it’s weird, even a little depraved. I mean, couldn’t he just let a roadie jack him in and fiddle with his knobs like a normal musician?” said Freeman. “Takes all kinds, I guess. Personally, I get a ton of grief for playing responsibly with a pick instead of slapping it like all of the old school raw doggers out there, but you know what, not everyone has had the benefit of California’s progressive music education curriculum. I also find it helps me last longer on stage—and in over 40 years of playing some of the sketchiest venues you can imagine, I can proudly say that I’ve never caught a yeast infection.”

The surgeon who performed Armstrong’s operation concluded that the medical procedure was pretty much the only solution to his patient’s problem.

“Mr. Armstrong is recovering as well as we could hope. He initially reported some blurry vision, but saw nothing wrong, which is always an encouraging sign,” said Dr. Aaron Mew. “Make no mistake, we explored every available option to treat his unique condition, ranging from experimental tone and volume pedals to simply adjusting his guitar strap, but ultimately concluded that a risky, invasive operation was the only viable solution for Tim Timebomb to play his signature Gretsch as comically low to the ground as he goddamn pleases.”

At press time, Armstrong checked back into the hospital to undergo emergency spine surgery due to complications arising from the weight of his out-of-control beard.

Dad Going to Go Ahead and Read Entire Van Halen Wikipedia Page Out Loud at Dinner

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local patriarch and casual Van Halen fan Steven Kaufman treated his extended family to a thorough read-through of the band’s entire Wikipedia page during dinner, bored sources confirmed.

“I never knew the Van Halen brothers were born in Amsterdam!” exclaimed Mr. Kaufman while treating himself to a second helping of green bean casserole. “You know, I went to Amsterdam once on a business trip back in ‘85. And I know what you’re thinking, but the answer is no, I did not. I thought my family would like to know that it was the ‘1984’ record that contained the hit ‘Jump,’ not ‘OU812’ like I always thought. My children seemed especially impressed when I read the part of the Wikipedia entry that detailed the M&M tour rider that demanded the brown ones be separated. It amazes me how much you can learn about music history while having dinner with family.”

Jennifer Kaufman discovered her own ways to avoid engaging with her father during his Wikipedia soliloquies.

“I usually just tune him out,” sighed the middle daughter, waiting in vain for her father to pass the gravy while he finished the section on the Sammy Hagar era. “But it was either that or listen to my older brother’s high school football stories, or Uncle Darryl’s conspiracy theories about how they’re putting too much estrogen in the tap water. I mean, my father literally missed my youngest brother’s graduation because he got caught up trading paragraphs about Aerosmith with another dad outside the auditorium. This honestly might be the last straw.”

Family therapist Helena Daniels explains how this sort of behavior is indicative of a larger issue.

“While on the surface it may appear to be dissociation through mindless Wikipedia usage, all of my research points to older males using this as a deliberate strategy to avoid losing control over a conversation’s direction,” continued Daniels. “Most of the time they’re just re-reading information they already know to themselves, but my research subjects combine this with the obvious love of hearing one’s voice out loud, a truly terrifying phenomenon when repeated in social settings. It’s still unclear why they focus all their attention on bands that popped 30 to 40 years ago.”

At press time, Kaufman had accidentally clicked a link to the AC/DC page, to everyone’s horror.

I’m Going To Win Over My Family’s Love and Affection One “Pay What You Want” Bandcamp Link to My Grindcore Band’s Demo at a Time

Posted on by Chris Bowen

All my life, I’ve felt like I’ve been a huge disappointment to my parents, and everyone else in my family. I feel like I’m the outcast, the forgotten son with an alcohol and VHS hoarding problem, the classic black sheep story. But this holiday season, with the help of Bandcamp and my band Septic Dunk Tank, I’m going to achieve the level of love and admiration of my family I deserve once and for all.

I can see the look on their faces now! They’ll say, “Our boy has finally done it! He’s put out a modern-day masterpiece of horror movie-influenced, b-movie sample-packed grindcore and he’s willing to let us, the ones closest to him, name OUR OWN price for it.”

I’m pretty sure that’s about as good as it gets as far as the perks of being related to a musician go.

Sure, my oldest brother Ricky has given my parents 2 healthy grandchildren, rejuvenating life back into their lives and existence, and my big-shot younger brother Bill has gone on to become regional manager of a chain of Tully’s restaurants in upstate New York, but one thing they cannot do is give them the gift of grind at a reasonable price. Or if they choose, no. Price. At. All.

Lately, my parents have given me the impression they aren’t totally on board with my choice to live off my band alone, but once they actually hear what we created in their garage that one Saturday, I’m sure all that’ll change. I just want them to love me for being a sick horror grind freak. But I will admit, making my dad regret screaming at us to shut up while recording that demo will be sort of a sweet feeling.

I know most of my family doesn’t really “get” the whole Septic Dunk Tank thing, and I get that. But I think when they hear what I’ve done with the help of my buds Scabb and Sico Nick, and especially at such a generous price, I’ll no longer be viewed as the unlovable loser I am now.

We Interviewed Rave Culture Icon the Cat in the Hat

Posted on by James Knapp

Rave culture: the annoying byproduct we all have to deal with so that New Order can exist. Still, there are certain touchstones to emerge from the scene which we at The Hard Times feel obligated to acknowledge. So we sat down with Theodor Geisel’s fictional feline, The Cat In the Hat.

Mostly we just wanted to know why everyone wore that stupid hat.

Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us Mr. In the Hat.

Cat In the Hat: Huh. Yeah, sure. Can I have a glass of water?

Fine. You’ve been a massive influence on the rave scene from its earliest days. Is there something specific you can attribute that to?

You mean, besides the hat?

Yes. Something other than the hat.

Well I’m not really proud of this, but I was the one who first introduced ecstasy into those first electronica clubs. 

Really? You did that?

Of course. Man I was a real mess back in those days.

Oh yeah! It must have been a real wild time. 

Oh sure. I’d spend my nights flopping around in my tall striped hat and my crazy big bow tie.

Sick!

But then by day, I’d be so sleep deprived and dehydrated that I just end up crashing at random houses and causing chaos. Sweet Jesus! Sometimes there were children around and they’d get caught up in the whole thing. It was dark, I tell ya. Really dark.

Right. Sure. Sounds like a bummer. So anyway, what’s with the hat?

You didn’t actually listen to what I just said, did you?

What? No yeah we uh, you’re sober. Cool. What made you hit bottom? And id it involve the hat? 

It was 2008, I was at a Schoolastic Fair book signing in Atlanta with Nancy Drew. Out of nowhere she turns to me and says “I bet I could snort your furry ass under the table. Most of that weekend is a blur now but the ambulance bills confirmed I burned through 4 of my nine lives in two days. 

Speaking of numbers, are you still close with Thing 1 and Thing 2? 

Oh boy, uh, no, I had to cut ties with the Things. I’ll always love those guys but the dynamic we had just wasn’t healthy. Never mix kink play with mescalin kids. 

Well it’s great to see you healthier these days, and you have a book of your own coming out don’t you?

Yes Sir, it’s called “The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About Jack: A Memoir of Hubris and Destruction.” 

You wouldn’t happen to still have an E hookup would you? Our guy got shot at Burning Man last year.

(Exasperated sigh) …alright. Follow me to my car.

Municipal Waste Fan Excited to Learn There’s Also Band With That Name

Posted on by Ted Pillow

MINNEAPOLIS — Lifelong municipal waste enthusiast Rex Grunderson was overjoyed when recently discovered that there’s also a band with that name, sources confirmed at the Hennepin County Dump on Tuesday.

“Finally, the mainstream music industry is showing an interest in biomedical waste, discarded food, and construction debris…it’s about damn time!” shouted Grunderson while sifting through rusty pipes at a local scrapyard. “I’ve been obsessed with other people’s junk my whole life, so you can imagine how excited I was when some old guy under a highway overpass told me that there’s a band called Municipal Waste. I just hope they play my favorite genre of music, adult contemporary jazz.”

Municipal Waste, a thrash metal band from Richmond, Virginia, has apparently gained many misguided fans in this fashion over the years.

“Yeah, they show up at our concerts dragging trash cans and pushing shopping carts full of old car parts,” explained frontman Tony Foresta while purchasing a 12-pack of boogie boards. “They mean well, but they smell like shit, even by the standards of a metal show. And they sure as hell don’t buy any merch. Honestly, it’s our own fault for pigeonholing ourselves as a ‘garbage’ band. We never should’ve played the 2017 Sewage Treatment Festival with Trash Talk and Biohazard. The money was just too good, though.”

Grunderson may not be the only dumpster-diver drawn to Municipal Waste because of their name, but sources close to him confirm that he has a history of making similar mistakes.

“Dumping Rex was the best decision I ever made,” noted ex-girlfriend Anaya Chaudhary, while vacuuming under her couch cushions. “It’s been six months and I’m still cleaning up after his grimy ass. But yeah, he doesn’t know anything about music because he’s too busy scavenging landfills. When it comes to bands he just bases everything off the name and then claims to be a fan of them. Let’s just say he got into Pissed Jeans and Diarrhea Planet for all the wrong reasons.”

As of press time, Grunderson was headed back to the highway overpass to get more music recommendations and maybe pick up a hubcap or two.

Spilled CBD Oil Tanker Leaves Miles Of Marine Life Unsure If They Feel Any Different

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

LAKE CHARLES, La. — An oil tanker owned by ExxonCBD carrying over a million gallons of cannabidiol tipped over spilling its cargo everywhere causing numerous species of fish to struggle to figure out if they notice any changes.

“This oil spill has really destroyed our home… I think? Because of this carelessness, I am left feeling very relaxed. I don’t know really. Maybe I need to swim around in the oil slick for a few more minutes in order to feel something,” said one of the whales currently chilling in the spill zone. “Maybe we gotta wait a little while longer or something. I’m not buzzed or anything. The 400 pounds of herring I ate earlier digested much smoother than normal, but there are several factors that could have affected that. I mean I’ve had a lingering pain in my dorsal ridge that feels pretty good right now, so maybe the oil is helping with that.”

Several environmentalists traveled to the accident to help as much as could possibly be done including Jennifer Peterson.

“It’s time the billionaires of CBD take responsibility for their actions. This is a terrible travesty that is causing confusion within most of the marine life, ” said Peterson while trying to bottle some of the spilled oil. “Our volunteer crew has been working around the clock asking fish about their anxiety levels before and after the accident. With any luck, we will be able to figure out if the CBD is actually working. The poor creatures just can’t figure it out. Could you imagine if something with THC polluted the area too? Then they might actually feel something for sure.”

Suzanne Cheney, CEO of ExxonCBD issued a statement later in the evening.

“We here at ExxonCBD care about the planet and assure you we do everything we can to prevent future catastrophes,” said Cheney. “Yes a small spill happened, but we believe CBD oil has benefits for all species. We will do our best to help fund the clean-up effort but our main priority is hiring sober-minded security guards to keep any white people with dreadlocks from approaching the spill site and trying to get free product.”

ExxonCBD also made headlines earlier this year after they were caught bribing politicians to allow drilling for an EPA-protected Sticky Icky Kush endangered only to Woody Harrelson’s closet.