CORSICANA, Texas — The recently hired roadie of touring a capella collective Vox On The Run is flabbergasted that he’s getting away with a job so cushy, envious sources confirmed.
“I mean, knock on wood of course, but, I swear, I haven’t lifted a finger this whole 60-city tour. I offered to carry one of their pitch pipes at the first gig, just to be nice, and they turned me down. Guess it’s a superstition thing for them,” said the group’s roadie Harland Luske while trying to look busy. “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but until then, I’m gonna stay on the bus and try to get lots of reading done, something I haven’t had the time to do in years. Believe me, I’m as mystified as you are.”
Group members report no ill-will or suspicion toward Mr. Luske, who is apparently very loved among his touring family..
“Oh, Harland’s the best. Always offering to hold our coats or our coffee cups–hold anything, really. He’s always making us laugh by popping in again and again like ‘you sure?’ It’s such a good bit. We couldn’t picture the tour without him,” said countertenor Liam Pizzaforetto. “Such a sweetheart. He may not lift any equipment, but he lifts something far more important: our spirits.”
Recently retired Roadie Hall of Fame member, and friend to Mr. Luske, Lucian Whittiker is far less sympathetic.
“I was the only roadie for a 25-piece symphonic metal band for the past twelve years of my life, so you can understand my seething jealousy toward the guy. I’d be loading in my third synthesizer bank and he’d be blowing up our group chat saying how he was on his third re-read of Ulysses,” said Whittiker. “It’s all just envy though, like I said. If it were me, I’d be wanting to ride that gravy train as long as I could, too.”
At press time, it was reported that Mr. Luske was unable to hold open a door as the group entered a venue due to his muscles atrophying completely from inactivity.