12 Times Celebrities Absolutely Roasted Interviewers Who Were Just Doing Their Job Asking Perfectly Appropriate Questions

Posted on by James Knapp

Sometimes interviewers can push celebrities over the edge and get a steaming heapful of their own arrogance hurled back in their faces. Other times interviewers are just hardworking professionals trying to feed content to a needy public, and in no way deserve to be screwed by these famous and powerful jerks. Here are just a few examples of the latter.

Jeff Goldblum

When an interviewer for TV Guide asked him “what’s a project you’re really excited about right now?” Mr. Goldblum was less than eloquent as he stuttered back “I, um, well, um, I, I, fuck your daughter everyday, um, and I, um, that’s exciting for me.”

Winona Ryder

Ryder may have been having a bad day when a writer for The Nickelodeon Times asked if she had any fun stories from being on the set of “Stranger Things” and she aggressively corrected “It’s pronounced “Stranger Thangs,” you illiterate boob!”

Harry Styles

When asked by Cigar Aficionado Magazine if he had any hobbies, Styles responded “Yeah, answering shitass questions like that one all the time. You suck. And I think you smell. Is that your hobby? Being smelly?” It was only later revealed, after intense research, that being smelly is not actually a hobby.

Idris Elba

In 2014, The Driftwood Quarterly sat down for an interview with Elba only to be met with 10 solid minutes of dead, withering silence. To this day neither party has addressed exactly what in the fuck that was all about.

Chris Evans
When asked about his diet by The Cliffjumper Review, Evan bluntly replied “Glass. Sometimes I put it in my eyes. Sometimes in my butt. Also, I’ve been experimenting with smoothies.”

Sarah Jessica Parker

There may have been some miscommunication when a ski journalist for Skiing Magazine asked Ms. Jessica Parker if she liked skiing and she asked “Is that that thing where you dig up a freshly buried corpse and try to reanimate it? Because I really like that. “

JK Rowling

“I only read receipts and the inside of Laffy Taffy wrappers,” was Rowling’s response when the editors of Charlie Chaplin’s Mustache Press asked who some of her literary influences are.

Dolphin Boy

It’s hard to be a half-dolphin half-boy. Which may be why DB, when asked by Wine Journal if he could even understand human language, screeched “Eeeeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeeee” repeatedly.

Ryan Reynolds

It’s unclear what kind of article the editors of GlugaGluga Print were planning when they asked Reynold “who’s your favorite Little Rascal?” So it kinda made sense that he responded “Me. I’m a little rascal. Just a rascally little scamp. Rasc-ing around and such. Just a little guy. I.” Everyone involved in this one was fucking weird.

Kim Kardashian

Business Addict Magazine asked Kardashian “what do you think is the most important thing for succeeding in business?” Alarmingly, she sort of revealed a definite falsehood: “I wear a top and a monocle everywhere I go. I’m wearing them right now, but they’re invisible.”

Taylor Swift

The interview hadn’t even begun when a writer for The Journal of Oversized Slacks asked “How are you today?” and Swift responded without prompting “Canada is a brutally worthless country.”

Jeffrey Dahmer

Since Jeffrey Dahmer is apparently a celebrity now, back when he was still on death row an interviewer for the Milwaukee Police Department asked him when the rest of the bodies were and he simply grinned and patted his stomach repeatedly.

Report: Drywall Repair Still Cheaper Than Therapy

Posted on by Matt McInerney

CALDWELL, N.J. — A new report released by the Economic Wellness Consortium confirms that drywall repair remains a significantly cheaper option than paying for even a single therapy session.

“As stress rises during these trying economic times, Americans will need an outlet. Our latest study suggests that punching something that is both cheap to fix and won’t lead to prison time or lawsuits is a very viable option,” said Jada Fernandez, the report’s co-author. “Our legal team also told me to note that the authors of the study make no judgments on whether this is a good idea or not. We’re simply saying it is more cost-effective to channel your tension into extreme violence, and that sheetrock is not litigious.”

Ronald Thompson, a local gym teacher, is a long-time proponent of this approach.

“I don’t need some fancy study to tell me this. I grew up blasting holes in walls with nothing but my fists. My ma always used to tell me to cut it out, but look at me now! Those brainiacs are saying I was a genius all along,” shouted Thompson as he continued to amp himself up. “I mean, it makes sense if you just do the math. At about $3 per square foot, I could be pounding gaps in plaster all day for the price of an hour with some bozo. They say the best things in life are free, which is why I always told my ex-wife that paying to ‘control my anger’ sounds pretty fucking dumb.”

Wayne Copeland, a Home Depot employee, is very aware of the academic attention that drywall is currently receiving.

“Hey, look, I get it. Therapy is hard to afford on your average salary. But to be clear, the $150 a session I pay my therapist is totally worth it. You can’t imagine how stressful this job is,” bemoaned Copeland, pointing towards the building materials aisle. “When you consider all of the angry, wall-punching assholes I have to deal with on a daily basis, I see therapy as a necessity for my mental health. There are so many psychos out there, and I know firsthand. I’ve got to talk to someone about it.”

At press time, Fernandez was considering studying the emotional impact of screaming into a pillow.

Woman Embraces Body Positivity for Everyone but Herself

Posted on by Caroline Smith

ASHEVILLE, N.C — Local woman Vanessa Taylor continues to be thrilled by the growing Body Positivity Movement for all of her friends and family but refuses to apply the same principles to herself, concerned sources report.

“It’s important to me that I help other women feel confident and valued no matter what. Society tries to dictate what ‘beauty’ should be and I want all my friends to know that they are perfect the way they are, of course, this doesn’t apply to me because I ate an entire fucking cake last night by myself and no normal human should be able to consume that much sugar,” confides Taylor. “This isn’t new to me, in fifth grade, this girl Mary Kate said my skin looks like an expensive cheese because of all the blue veins running through it. Let’s just say these legs haven’t seen the light of day since the Clinton administration.”

Several friends and family did heartily agree that Taylor is “the shit” and “the best bitch” when it comes to giving them a much-needed boost of body confidence.

“I always just thought maybe she was just super goth because she dresses all in black and doesn’t have any mirrors in her house,” said former co-worker, Elise Van Horn. “I just assumed she was into some weird vampire shit, because let’s be honest, who isn’t at some point in their lives. But she was always the first person to compliment me on a new blazer, even if it came in a primary color. I tried to invite her swimming last summer and she told me to ‘slay it’ but she said ‘I don’t want people to have to deal with all of this.’”

While most people find Taylor’s aggressive body positivity towards everyone in the world but herself uplifting, her psychiatrist, Dr. Louise Maike, has a different view of the situation.

“Truthfully, for a while, Ms. Taylor’s clinical Body Dysmorphia had me a bit concerned,” said Dr. Maike. “This is a woman who wears long black pants in July. Her friends also seem to ignore the fact that this woman is struggling with her self-esteem because she’s so good at helping them feel good about themselves. I will say that Ms. Taylor convinced me that I could wear a mesh dress on a first date and now that guy is my husband!”

At press time, Taylor has started an inclusive meet-up of women and femmes who want to learn how to design sewing patterns for non-typical body types which she plans on running over Zoom, with her camera off.

Do Your Younger Coworkers Think You’re Cool or Do They Just Crave a Father Figure?

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

Are you stuck wasting your life in a dead-end job? Is the most fulfilling part of your week when your Gen-Z coworkers listen to you regale them with tales of your glory days at Warped Tour? Here’s how to know if your coworkers really enjoy that water cooler talk or if they just crave a father figure.

A good test to see if your coworkers think you’re chill is if they wrap you into every new social media craze. Do your coworkers ask you to be in their BeReal story every day? Have you sacrificed your phone storage because they bullied you into downloading Snapchat? If so, they think you’re pretty cool. If not, they’re definitely using those apps to text each other about how you’re probably mad at them.

Have they asked you to be in a selfie? Now, lots of colleagues are fond of selfies so this may not mean much by itself. The key is to note where they post them. If you spot them on Instagram, then you’re their cool older friend. However, if you never see those pictures on social media, that means they’re probably in a physical scrapbook in your coworker’s living room.

Receiving nicknames from work friends is an ultimate gesture of endearment and a good way to know how they really feel about you. It’s not an exact science, but usually if they add a “y” or “ie” to your name, it means their subconscious sees you as a friend and peer. For example, if your name is Rick and one day they call you “Ricky,” they most likely think you’re the man! If your name is Rick and one day they call you “Dad,” it most likely means you’re the closest thing to a father they have ever had.

I Only Listen to Metal, and Also a Bunch of Other Stuff When No One Is Around

Posted on by Matt McInerney

I’d say that I pretty much only listen to metal. Mostly doom metal. And some stoner and sludge. Well, also some blackened death metal. And grindcore, if you consider that metal. I mean, I don’t, but some people get confused. Most recently, I’ve been really into atmospheric black metal too. Or at least when other people are around.

But sometimes, when no one’s around…

Have y’all heard of Robyn? Gosh, I can’t get enough of that song “Call your Girlfriend.” It just really gets me. Rarely do you hear a song written from that perspective. Honesty, it’s like a modern-day Jolene. Really beautiful.

But mostly Elder. They’re kind of a combo of doom and stoner. If you come over, I’m probably listening to Elder. That or Bongzilla.

But when you leave? Oh boy. Do you know about Petey from TikTok? Sure, he’s funny. But he’s deep too. Sometimes when I’ve got headphones on, I’ll listen to “DON’T TELL THE BOYS” on repeat. I’ve never heard a song about male friendship like that. Why isn’t it acceptable to tell your friends you love them? What a silly thing to be ashamed of.

But mostly I pretty much only listen to Panopticon. I’m a big fan of one-man black metal. Like, really depressive stuff.

Oh and also, keep this between us, but have you heard the new T Swift? I didn’t get on board until “Folklore.” And I did NOT like “Lover!” But this new one? It’s got some bangers. Even that “everybody is a sexy baby” song. I’ll admit I had a hard time getting past the phrasing at first, but honestly, she’s right. Why are we all pretending not to understand what’s she talking about? It’s time to talk about the predatory patriarchy!

But really, pretty much only metal. Like Earth. By the way, did you know that was Black Sabbath’s original name? Basically, I just listen to Black Sabbath and bands that sound like Black Sabbath. But not solo Ozzy. That’d be embarrassing.

Solo Ben Gibbard Announced as Opener For Death Cab For Cutie, The Postal Service Tour

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BREMERTON, Wash. — Ben Gibbard announced he will be performing solo as the opening act for the upcoming Death Cab for Cutie and Postal Service Tour celebrating 20 years of “Transatlantacism” and “Give Up,” sources who couldn’t get enough of him in their lives confirmed.

“After careful deliberation of who I’d like to bring out on tour with me, I finally landed on the difficult decision to choose myself,” said Gibbard while constructing a 50-song setlist for all performances. “I honestly couldn’t think of anyone more qualified or deserving than old Big Ben to open for me and then me again. Sure, I’ll be playing three sets a night with three different musical acts, but I’ll be giving the people what they want: Non-stop me. Modest Mouse actually volunteered to open for us, but I had to turn them down because I am simply not in that band. After all, we’ve got a tour brand to uphold.”

Fans of Gibbard’s work couldn’t be more excited for the upcoming performances.

“As someone who religiously listens to everything this man has put out, this is actually my musical dream blunt rotation,” said Jennifer Harrington. “I just can’t wait to hear the rich wistful melodies of solo Ben Gibbard live followed by the rich wistful melodies of The Postal Service followed by the rich wistful melodies of Death Cab for Cutie. There’s just nothing like band member consistency throughout an entire show. You could say I’m overjoyed to see three Bens for the price of one.”

Experts seemed quite impressed with the announcement.

“In the industry, this is called a triple crown performance. Or, if you want to get into semantics, a hat trick show,” said music historian Juliette Cowhen. “This isn’t the first time this has happened either. Solo Jack White was once scheduled to open for the Raconteurs and the White Stripes. Unfortunately, that never came to fruition due to the length of time it would take for Jack White to ‘get into character’ between sets. They estimated a good 90 minutes between performances. Classic Jack. He’s what you call a method musician.”

In related news, Gibbard also announced that he would be manning the singular merch booth on all tour dates.

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Hardcore Frontman Kicked Out of Band After Failing to Make Weight

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ANTIGO, Wis. — Members of local hardcore band Body Parts ousted frontman Jay Terrold after he failed to make the agreed upon weight to be the band’s intimidating vocalist, sources who didn’t know where they were going to find a jacked replacement singer on such short notice confirmed.

“I was literally only three pounds under so they could’ve easily just rounded up, but they instead chose violence,” said Terrold before weighing himself again to see if he gained any last-minute beef. “I mean, I did everything I could to bulk up before our next show but I was still somehow disqualified. I hit the gym, carbo-loaded, and even swallowed protein powder straight from the container. I get that they really wanted to win this upcoming battle of the bands competition against the defending champions, but this is no way to do it. Honestly never thought I would get kicked out of a band I founded 10 years ago.”

Members of the group defended their decision to fire the singer.

“We have strict weight requirements in order maintain our hardcore brand and street cred,” said guitarist Dirk Montez while doing a set of bicep curls. “That’s exactly why we have weigh-ins before each practice session and then again prior to any show we play just in case. And we have absolutely no tolerance for cheaters in this band either. Hell, we once kicked out our bassist after we caught him taking performance-enhancing drugs. Sure, the drug was booze and it really loosened him up on stage, but rules are rules.”

Music critic Florin Magnator found this sort of unorthodox behavior to be commonplace.

“Bands throughout history have had a record of instituting arbitrary requirements for members,” said Magnator. “Some emo bands actually require their singer to have no less than three bad breakups a month. Black metal bands routinely force their frontmen to commit arson to their local church at least annually. And some ska bands make their singers jump in a bouncy castle for at least 20 minutes a day to help ‘stay in character.’ Many find these tactics a bit much, but I can tell you that it really works to keep the image consistent.”

At press time, Terrold reportedly slimmed down just enough to make a local indie folk band.

Millennial Audiophile Prefers Warm, Crisp Sound of Music Downloaded From LimeWire

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ROCK HALL, Md. — Local 34-year-old audiophile Jacob Mastinson revealed that he prefers the warm and crisp sound of music exclusively downloaded from LimeWire, heavily eye-rolling sources confirmed.

“The quality you get on this peer-to-peer file-sharing application is second to none,” said Mastinson before stating that burned CDs offer the second-best sound. “Just today I was listening to a song I downloaded called ‘Mr. Brightside’ by the band Interpol on my $35 refurbished computer speakers, and I simply could not get over the quality. The warmth. The brightness. The way it cut off 90 seconds into the song seemingly out of nowhere. It’s the only way to truly experience music in this day and age. These kids today simply don’t have an appreciation for it. Neither does anyone older than me, for that matter.”

Mastinson’s roommate Linda Berkshire really wishes he’d get off his high horse.

“I can’t play vinyl on my record player through professional speakers that cost me hundreds of dollars without him telling me it’d sound more like the artist intended if I played a heavily-compressed MP3 version instead,” said Berkshire while eating leftover Thai food in the fridge that had the words “Jacob’s, please don’t eat” written on the container. “To make matters worse, he doesn’t know the actual names of half of the songs he downloads from LimeWire. Yesterday he told me his favorite song was ‘Smells Underscore Like Underscore Teen Underscore Spirit 426789.’ Can’t believe this guy aspires to be an audio engineer one day.”

Experts were quick to note that audiophiles come in all shapes and sizes.

“Every generation seems to have their own version of sound quality appreciators,” said music historian Ron Dansberry. “Millennials typically favor music they obtained through file-sharing methods. Gen X audiophiles on the other hand prefer vinyl. Boomers think 8-track tapes were the height of audio quality. And Gen Zers exclusively play music that’s been remixed so much that it’s unlistenable to other generations. There was even a short-lived cassette-based audiophile group, but they faded out pretty quickly after learning how inconvenient it is to listen to a tape. It’s anyone’s guess as to what the future holds for ever-evolving audiophiles.”

At press time, Mastinson noted that AOL Instant Messenger was the pinnacle of online social interaction.

We Let Our Niece Mess Around With Our Phone and Now All of Our Instagram Posts Look Like Belle & Sebastian Album Covers

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

Being an adult is tough. There are taxes and oil changes, eventually, you’d do anything for a moment of peace and quiet. Even when I’m babysitting my niece, I end up just throwing on YouTube for her on my phone to close my eyes and relax for a bit. I didn’t know this, but apparently, that’s exactly how you end up with Belle & Sebastian album covers all over your Instagram page.

I have a very serious image to maintain and part of that means being extremely selective about what I post to social media. I didn’t get to 244 followers by winging it. I had to painstakingly curate every angle, every pixel to get to where I am. And now it’s all ruined because my niece decided to use the same filter Hollywood uses for films in Mexico.

I was too busy dissociating in the living room to notice her messing around with my phone and by the time I grabbed my phone, I was going viral. While I’ve always wanted to pop off on the ‘gram, I don’t want to be known as the poster boy of anxious adults who think they’re starring opposite Zooey Deschanel in a 2000s rom-com.

I love my niece, but she really fucked me over here. As if the posts themselves weren’t bad enough, she also deemed it necessary to caption each post with a charming but long-winded description of a very mundane experience about daily life. It’s kinda amazing, she’s only 7 and she has a high schooler’s grasp of English and a lonely and pathetic middle-aged man’s taste in music.

And if that’s not bad enough, now my DMs are rampant with these manic pixie dream girl types. They keep asking me if I want to go rent Penny-farthings and buy matching berets and eventually have a huge life-changing argument in a busy airport that ends in a loving embrace.

Goddamn it, I think my niece put all my TikToks in reverse too. Gotta delete those before people start thinking I like Coldplay.

5 Christmas Traditions From Around the World That Will Make You Say “Holy Fuck, That’s Racist”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, all the world over! Though America undeniably has the best version of Baby Jesus’s birthday, it turns out that other countries have their own non-Coca-Cola-derived traditions and wow, a lot of them are just racist as hell.

Like seriously, it is crazy how racist some of them are. You might think history would catch up to Christmas at some point, but you’d be wrong!

The Netherlands:
Zwarte Piet: Okay, we’re just going to rip the Band-Aid off with this one and get it out of the way quickly. The Dutch tradition of, oh God, “Black Peter” has been bowdlerized to push the idea that Sinterklaas just happens to have a guy who follows him around doing all his hard work and is black, but they’re totally buddies and there isn’t anything worse happening. Good lord.

Sure, he’s black because of the soot from the chimneys. Fucking sure.

Russia:
Christmas Fortune Tellers: Did you know that in Russia, it’s a beloved tradition to hire fortune tellers to predict the future during ​​Svyatki, the “unholy days” following Christmas? We’ll leave it to sink in that Russia has a pretty problematic history toward the people traditionally viewed as “fortune tellers” and their own “unholy” religious practices and Jesus, that’s fucked up.

Sweden:
The Purity Witch: You would think the Swedes would know better, but then you hear about the Purity Witch, the aged, hideous woman that precedes Saint Nicholas on his Christmas journey and pokes children’s faces with her long, filthy nails to see if any of their ancestors were tainted by the blood of Finns and thus have fleshy noses. We guess Swedes and Finns are racist to each other?

That’s weird and all kinds of sad.

Austria:
Hitler Stockings: What the fuck, Austria? Why in the world would you pin long socks with tiny mustaches on them to the front of all Volkswagons on December 24th? Why can the stockings only be filled with Wiener Zuckerl and copies of a certain book we would prefer not to mention? This one feels like it should be straight-up illegal.

U.S.A:
The Worship of Heatmiser: Even other racist countries think America is crazy for this one! Every year, Americans all around the country gather around their televisions to give praise and thanks to Heatmiser, who, as we all know, represents the everlasting, inescapable flame of burning racial hatred.

Merry Christmas!