WASHINGTON — Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race, multiple intrigued sources confirmed.
“These past few days have been difficult for everyone, but democracy is difficult,” said Rep. McCarthy, R-CA 20th District. “I want all the other Republicans in this chamber to know I will represent them, their constituents, and I’ll jerk them off to completion using my right hand over their slacks. And for all the Republican women I’m offering them the chance to do the same act to me, I assume they have all been wanting to do it for years. This is their chance to finally get a piece.”
Democrats admit they are not surprised by the lengths of Rep. McCarthy’s desperation.
“This is a position Rep. McCarthy has been coveting for over a decade, and now it’s all falling apart. There are some Democrats that would be willing to vote his way, but he has not yet reached across the aisle and offered any of us handjobs of any variety,” said Rep. Sean Casten, D-IL 6th District. “He’s lost the vote seven times already, so he needs to start making concessions to the left as well. If he offered to finger or jerk off people on the left then he would easily sure up the votes. We love cumming just as much as anyone else and it would be an honor to bust all over the House floor.”
Far-right political pundits say the handjob offers are not enough and their representatives should keep holding out.
“Over-the-pants handjobs are the absolute lowest form of sexual gratification. These people aren’t kids at summer camp, they are adult lawmakers who deserve sloppy oral with the promise of light rimming,” said TruthBang host Clive Wilson. “If Rep. McCarthy is serious about wanting this job then he needs to get down on his knees and test his gag reflex. America is a country full of people who love receiving oral, and that is well reflected in our elected representatives.”
At press time, Rep. McCarthy is expected to sweeten the deal by letting colleagues extinguish cigars on his nipples while he performs the handjobs.