These Parents Were So Cool They Lost Custody of Their Kids

Posted on by Dom Turek

Derek and Cristina Bracken’s too-cool-for-school child-rearing practices were so lax that their children were taken away from them and made wards of the state. Bracken’s one, state of California zero.

Losing guardianship over your kids probably feels like someone canceling plans you didn’t want to attend in the first place, although I can’t say for sure since I’m a total pussy who still has full custody of his children.

The Bracken’s are always pushing the envelope of what’s cool, making other “hip” parents seem about as laid-back as a family of Jehovah’s witnesses. You thought you were cool after showing your nine-year-old “A Nightmare on Elm Street”? Think again. Derek Bracken showed his kids a snuff film…that he MADE.

In the Bracken’s court docket, child endangerment is cited as the main reason for terminating their parental rights, but how can the kids be in danger when they’re strapped to the gills with katanas, nunchucks, and unlicensed handguns from Derek’s unlocked weapons cabinet? Seems like you’re the one in danger, Judge Langford.

Despite what child protective services might say, the Bracken’s have rules just like any other household. “It’s not all fun and games over here,” Derek said, lighting a joint on the gas stove. “If we catch you smoking cigarettes, we’re gonna bum a few. If we catch you doing drugs, we’ll make you split the bag with us. If we catch you driving without a license, we’re going to make you DD while your mom and I get shit-housed and play Big Buck Hunter at the bar.”

The Bracken’s want their detractors to know there’s a method to their madness. Having both grown up in excessively strict homes where even the slightest misstep was met with corporal punishment, they decided to swing the parenting pendulum wildly in the opposite direction, proving once again that opposite extremes usually produce the best results.

Older, More Reserved Andrew W.K. Releases Album About Small Gatherings

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NEW YORK — Serial party animal Andrew W.K. shocked fans with his new acoustic album “Let’s Get This Get Together Over by Nine” which showed a more reserved and mature side of the musician, sources with beer can shaped dents on their forehead confirmed.

“Partying has been and always will be a state of mind,” stated the relaxed frontman as he gently sniffed a wine cork to make sure the tannins were properly activated. “Sure, you can jump off the roof into the pool with all your clothes on, eat pizza for days, or shred a blistering solo on a guitar that looks like a taco, but I get the same exact thrill from playing charades with my neighbors, setting up a charcuterie board, and even talking at length about ‘The Paris Apartment’ at the weekly book club. I’m 43 now, and while my tastes have changed, you better bet your gosh-darned rear end that we’re gonna have a good time no matter the occasion.”

Longtime fan of the party rocker, Brian Deemer, doesn’t approve and thinks W.K. is selling out in a way he won’t be able to recover from.

“It’s just fucking pathetic,” said Deemer, also 43. “The Andrew W.K. that I know would not only get a party started, he’d let everybody know that we’re gonna party till we puke! I want to know the last time he spent $1,800 on KFC and beer, I bet it was before Obama was President. He’s gone soft, and I’ll never forgive him. I got a peek at his all-white touring outfit, and you know what the tag said? Nordstroms! Unbelievable.”

Local party expert Bruce Miller weighed in on W.K’s older and wiser countenance.

“If you want to live past your 40s, then you have to slow down. You don’t want to be the guy headbutting holes in the drywall while you’re collecting Social Security payment, it looks sad,” said Miller, sipping a Bahama Mama Clubtails from an antique snifter. “We’re all marching toward death one way or another. Some people like to burn that candle from both ends and die out in a blaze of glory, but my friend Andrew has found peace in taking the scenic route.”

At press time, W.K. was spotted pricing tablecloths at Homegoods for an upcoming scrabble “rager” at his mom’s house

Chimp Handler Transitions Seamlessly Into New Job as Punk Band Manager

Posted on by James Knapp

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Former chimpanzee handler Scott Guiles is reportedly thriving following his recent career transition to manager for the self-proclaimed “apecore” band The Gorillalalalas, sources used to dealing with unwashed packs of feral animals confirmed.

“This new opportunity has been great for me. I love music and I’m very experienced with having feces thrown at me, so managing a punk band is just a natural fit,” explained Guiles while holding a copy of “My Life with the Chimpanzees” by famous primatologist Jane Goodall. “Punks are basically just chimps with worse haircuts and personal hygiene, so knowing how to manage them is all about understanding their nature. There was some resistance to my management at first, but after I bore my teeth to establish dominance they all realized who the new alpha was.”

Members of The Gorillalalalas were delighted about their being handled by a professional now.

“Things have been going great ever since Scott started booking our gigs. He can actually negotiate a rider with venue owners without devolving into incoherent, guttural hooting noises,” said guitarist Owen “Bananas” Rutherford, who frequently dresses up head to toe as a primate during live performances. “It’s thanks to him we can actually tour again—he got the van fixed after we took all the wheels off to make tire swings, which was fun but it cost a lot of gigs. He even taught our bassist sign language. Evidently, he has a vocabulary of about 1,000 signs now, but he mostly just uses it to ask for booze.”

Career strategist Doug Lemton detailed how numerous other occupations can also lend themselves to the diverse field of punk band management.

“Overseeing bands demands a lot of different skills, and those can come from a variety of professions. Need someone to handle money? Hire a former bank teller. Or wanna make sure all the equipment packs neatly in the van? Hire the Tetris world champion,” said Lemton. “Almost any need that could arise for a band can be dealt with with the right experience, though chimp handler does feel a bit on the nose.”

At press time, Guiles was seen assisting Rutherford with cleaning the blood of a perceived rival guitarist off of his amp head.

Hallmark Promises New Christmas Movies Will Feature Ten Times More Dead Wives and Moms

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — The Hallmark Channel announced that their slate of upcoming holiday movies will be their most enticing yet with ten times more storylines featuring dead wives and mothers, confirmed excited shut-ins with no family.

“We’ve coasted successfully on twenty years of holiday-centric meet-ugly romances and secret princes, but viewer interest has waned since most of them can guess the ending 30 seconds into each movie. So this year we’re going to give the people what they really want: nonstop death of any and all maternal figures,” said Executive Producer Roger Wallace. “Nothing tugs at heartstrings like seeing two dozen conventionally handsome inn owners, handymen, and cold-hearted business executives jumping into second marriages after being haunted by unspeakable tragedy. Throw in a wish-granting Salvation Army Santa, and we can easily tap this oilfield for another decade.”

Veteran Hallmark movie actors went along the new direction but expressed concern with its macabre tone.

“I’ve played a wide variety of characters through the years from bachelor tree farm owner to bachelor cookie factory owner. Usually, the scripts would just lightly touch upon my singlehood, either by choice or tragedy and quickly back to baking gingerbread men with a blonde woman. But this feels like more of a bloodbath than usual,” said Hallmark stable actor Brennan Elliot. “I mean this year alone I’m in four movies where my character’s wife dies in a plane crash on the way to their dream job in Paris. Usually, the producers are a little more subtle telling women to not pursue their dreams and to stay home and raise kids, but a paycheck is a paycheck.”

Insiders in the entertainment industry have interpreted Hallmark’s strategy as a warning shot to other networks and streaming entities.

“Now that Netflix, Hulu, and even fucking QVC are jumping on the cheesy holiday movie bandwagon, it’s no surprise that Hallmark is stepping up their game to attract more viewers. Killing off moms and wives is just another ploy to sympathize with the chemistry-deficient male leads, and it’ll probably work,” said TV Guide columnist Morgan Williams. “Rumor has it that there are at least several other networks trying to keep up by producing competing films about orphanages in Christmas-obsessed mountain towns.”

Hallmark also announced that every movie this year will feature creepier, super clingy children hellbent on Christmas wishes delivering them a new stepmom.

CEO Mindset: Elon Musk Will Live in the Men’s Room at Denny’s Until They Fix the Hand Dryer

Posted on by Dan Rice

Ever wash your hands in a Denny’s restroom after making room for your Grand Slam only to find that the hand dryer is busted? If you’re an ordinary person you probably looked around for some paper towels, maybe settled for wiping them on your shirt, and went about your day. Elon Musk is no ordinary person.

Musk is a problem solver, and when he realized the hand dryer at Denny’s was broken he knew he had to face the issue head-on. He ordered his lowest-ranking employee in earshot to get him a cot and some personal belongings. That’s right: Papa Musk will live in the Denny’s men’s room until that hand dryer gets its act together!

Talk about a goddamned maverick. What your limited pedestrian brain may consider “eccentric” or “bafflingly stupid” Musk views as “total commitment.” He engineered a nightstand out of an old cardboard box, loaded it with soda cans and handguns, and invited former president Donald Trump to use the urinal anytime he pleases. Checkmate hand dryer inefficiency!

He even added a sign to the restroom door that reads “Please No Vampires,” because, as he explained with his trademark smirk “It would be terrible for everyone if a vampire used this restroom.” He explained how this is the single funniest joke anyone has ever made, and with his dynamic 4D approach to hand dryer repair, who could argue?

It’s been three days, and Musk has spent the entire time offering to wipe any Denny’s patron who uses the restroom, provided that the doctor stationed outside the door has confirmed their gender and cleared them for entry. He is then washing his hands, keeping them in a constant state of needing to be dried. As he explains, “The thing people don’t understand about hand drying is that the hands need to be wet. Otherwise, you have no idea if your product is working.”

Musk’s 24-hour presence in the restroom has already made a huge impact. Previously the manager of that Denny’s had claimed that the hand dryer needed a new part and that a rep would be by to replace it on Thursday. Now that Elon is there to put the pressure on, the manager has confirmed that the rep will “definitely” come by on Thursday. That “definitely” is the CEO difference. That’s what genius gets you.

Thank you for showing us what real leadership looks like Mr. Musk! With you at the helm, we can all rest assured the future is in good, and soon-to-be dry, hands!

Wife Forces Husband to Draw Up Will Before Building Mini Ramp in Backyard

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CARLSBAD, Calif. — Local woman Janice Rickards told her husband he could go ahead with his dream of building a mini ramp in their backyard so long as he established his will beforehand, several sources report.

“I just think now is the best time for him to decide which of his children gets what before he inevitably kills himself on that thing,” Mrs. Rickards stated while boxing up some of her husband’s belongings. “We almost lost him a couple years back when he was 43, during the infamous BMX phase. He attempted to bunnyhop a parking cone and landed directly on his spine in front of a bunch of kids at the skatepark. Good thing he doesn’t embarrass easily, or that in of itself would have killed him.”

Alan Rickards believes full well he’s a perfectly competent and skilled skateboarder, so there’s no need to worry.

“I don’t understand what all the hoopla is about. I was a fearless and successful skater back when I was 17, so therefore at 47, I should be even better,” Rickards enthusiastically explained while taking off his millwright uniform. “But first and foremost, I am a dedicated family man, so I honored my wife’s wishes to draw up the will. Now she and I know which of my sons will inherit my prized collection of ‘80s fishtail skate decks and signed ‘Tony Hawk Pro Skater’ promos. But they won’t get ‘em for a very long time.”

Aurther Barnes, a will attorney at the Barnes and Bellow Law Firm, gave some insight into this surprisingly common situation.

“I would say 80 to 90 percent of the wills drawn up here are instigated by someone’s partner having a potentially fatal and stupid idea,” Barnes explained. “We get everything from men wanting to participate in ‘endless wing night,’ to them wanting to join in on the county fair demolition derby. One time, a wife made her husband make sure his inheritance was in order before playing keyboard in an ASIA cover band out of fear he’d be bullied to death. It’s a good thing too, because he didn’t last more than 2 weeks.”

At press time, Alan Rickards had already suffered significant injuries while just building the mini ramp.

Vegan Covers Recording Studio Walls With Empty JUST Egg Bottles

Posted on by Tom Peters

AMHERST, Mass. — Local vegan recording engineer Tyson McNally came under fire from the audio community for covering his home studio walls with empty JUST Egg bottles, according to confused clients and friends.

“As a plant-based egg substitute, JUST Egg scrambles and fluffs like the real thing,” McNally said while hammering a nail through another freshly emptied squeeze bottle and into his studio drywall. “And their bottles are just as effective on my tracking room walls to dampen sound as regular egg cartons. Plus, JUST Egg is made using 98% less water than traditional acoustic wall treatment, and it even works for quiches. I just feel so much better knowing that my studio reduces harm to all animals out there.”

Musicians recording with McNally have attempted to explain why vegan alternatives to acoustic paneling might not be the best course of action.

“I tried telling him that it’s the irregular shape of the egg cartons that make them effective at absorbing and diffusing sound waves,” said rapper Trent Barz, who was visiting McNally’s studio to record a feature for an upcoming release. “But he just said that factory farming has no place in his studio, and if I wanted my new tracks to sound like climate catastrophe then I should go somewhere else. I didn’t even want to tell him that I’m also vegan, so I just dropped it. He has a really nice ribbon mic and he lets me pay for studio time with kitchen grease for his biodiesel station wagon.”

While there has been no evidence to support their bottles’ efficacy as acoustic paneling, representatives from JUST Egg hope other customers follow McNally’s example.

“Our protein-rich, mung-based products have been fueling creativity since our inception,” said JUST COO Melanie Christgau. “We’d like to encourage all of our customers to find alternate uses for our empty bottles, especially since that plastic is pretty much going to be around forever, and that’s honestly not been great for our environmentally-conscious image. We tried coming up with some different packaging that would biodegrade, but it didn’t react well with our product and a lot of warehouse workers ended up with chemical burns.”

McNally further confused his clients when he was seen pouring 14 pounds of Follow Your Heart shredded dairy-free cheese into a bass cab.

Review: Fit for a King “The Hell We Create”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we reviewed Christian metalcore band Fit for a King’s latest release, “The Hell We Create,” which describes in detail a terrifying and painful afterlife that apparently awaits us all.

It’s well known that, back in 2020, Fit for a King guitarist Bobby Lynge was legally dead for eleven minutes after mistakenly ingesting bird poison which he believed was teeth whitener. After he was resuscitated, he began to describe an infernal pit of torment in which he had just spent his time while deceased and later revised into the lyrics for this record. Here are some of our favorite details about what hell is actually like:

  1. Hitler is there. Just thought we’d lead off with that fact because it’s nice to have solid confirmation of it.
  2. You are reconstituted there in whatever body you had that made you feel most insecure and dumb, then they make it worse.
  3. The only thing that isn’t on fire is your own genitals, which are actually so hot that they have reached a temperature at which flame cannot thermally exist.
  4. Apparently, Hell wasn’t even founded until 1745. It is unclear whether this was due to procrastination or if the dudes who wrote the bible just fucked up.
  5. Allen Ginsberg is always looking at you with his weird, dead, pedophilic eyes.
  6. If you were a nerd, then every bully you ever had is there. If you were a bully, then every nerd you used to beat up is there and also twice your size now.
  7. Ska is always playing somewhere in the distance so that all you can vaguely hear is the horns. It’s maddening.
  8. Billionaires get to keep their money and you have to look at it.
  9. When you think you are finally free of the eternal torment that has befallen you, say by the sweet kiss of antivenom bringing you back from your bird poison-related fatality, you are still cured with the knowledge of what awaits you in your inevitable end.
  10. Wow. Now that we think about it hell actually seems like quite a bit of a downer. What the shit, Fit for a King?! Why are you trying to bring us down? Fuck you!

Score: 1 out of 10 commandments that are fucking impossible to follow and you’re going to hell. All of you are going to hell.

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Punk Humiliated After Spotify Wrapped Reveals He Uses Spotify

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Self-described “punk” Anthony Atomma was reportedly left feeling embarrassed and exposed yesterday when his Spotify Wrapped revealed that in the past calendar year he frequently listened to music on Spotify, confirmed multiple sources distancing themselves from the matter.

“This is humiliating on so many fronts. I guess it started as a guilty pleasure, I thought I’d grow out of it, and now I’m not sure how I can show my face in public ever again,” remarked Atomma shortly after posting his Wrapped to Instagram. “I considered keeping my Wrapped quiet, but my playlist was way too cool and eclectic not to share! My music was so much better than like 99% of the other dweebs I saw. Mine is a perfect mix of respected classics, underground darlings, bands from my local scene, and some ‘90s pop to show I have a fun side. Unfortunately, the means by which I consumed all this media is the equivalent of listening to music on Walmart.”

Atomma’s wrapped list was rounded out by Detroit Exploding, a local band fronted by Keith Gleason who makes sure to post all his band’s songs on the streaming platform.

“The only reason we made our music available on Spotify in the first place is so that we can identify which of our fans are total posers and scold them publicly. You may only listen to us on cassette, vinyl, and CD, anything else will get you banned from our shows,” said Gleason. “We will be taking the 17 cents we made in Spotify royalties and donating them to a charity with a mission statement to rid the world of fake fans and dilettantes.”

According to Spotify marketing strategist Carrie Eccleston, users like Atomma are an integral piece of the streaming service’s business model.

“Something between 30-35 percent of our subscriber base is made up of people who publicly shout about how Spotify funds military AI, and privately stream upwards of 12 hours of music a day using a free account,” said Eccleston. “Frankly we never would have made it this far without them! I thank God every morning for the lack of integrity and accountability in the modern punk scene.”

After his post generated a hail storm of negative comments, Atomma attempted to justify his Spotify use by claiming he only logs in to listen to “The Joe Rogan Experience.”

Photo by Duncan Byrnes.

My Spotify Wrapped Does Not Define My Personality Unless It Makes Me Seem Cool

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

As Spotify interns pull all-nighters compiling every song I’ve streamed this year into an infographic that will either make or break how other people perceive my music taste, it’s important to remember that my Spotify Wrapped does not define me. I am a deeply complicated individual whose taste contains multitudes. Big Tech’s attempt to simplify my listening habits into made-up genres like “indietronica,” “freak folk,” and “emo” does not reflect the person I am today. That is unless my Wrapped impresses you, in which case it totally does.

I believe in sharing my Wrapped the same way I believe in looking at my horoscope. It’s complete bullshit except for when I agree with the results. Just as all astrology is wrong unless my horoscope says our signs are compatible, Spotify Wrapped is not an accurate portrayal of my true personality unless it reflects the personality of someone with excellent taste. In that case, disregard this message and tell everyone how cool I am.

Spotify’s data-collecting habits are yet another example of how Big Tech ruins lives with false allegations. Just last year, they claimed I’m in the top 0.001% of Neutral Milk Hotel fans. Nobody should let such blatant lies distort their perception of my perfectly normal personality without being a little impressed by such underground taste.

However, being a Spotify user isn’t my whole personality. I also spend a lot of my free time wandering around record stores looking for albums that will make the cashiers say “nice picks.” Last time I went record shopping I didn’t get a compliment from the staff so I said the albums were gifts for my niece. But that lie only works so many times before people wonder why I’m buying “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea” for a six-year-old girl. Not that I like that album, but if you do, we should definitely listen to it together sometime.

Wait, you actually hate it? How dare you judge my taste so harshly when you’ve been Weezer’s number one listener for three years in a row?!