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Sober Person Down to 3 Cases of La Croix A Day

CHICAGO — Recovered addict and veteran sober person Anna Caspian is happy with her recent reduction of La Croix consumption to three cases a day, impressed sources confirmed.

“Two weeks ago I hit five years sober from opiates, which has been really hard, but really worthwhile,” said Caspian. “But what’s been even harder for me now is not drinking sparkling water every second my eyes are open. I wake up at 5 a.m. now, start my gratitude work and journaling and will usually have seven cans crushed before the sun comes up. But I’ve slowed down recently, and now I only drink about 36 cans, three cases or so, daily. Last year I was drinking around 72 cans a day. 85 If I had to talk to my mom.”

Michelle Vincent, Caspian’s partner of four years, is pleased not only for Caspian’s habit reform, but for their monthly budget as well.

“We were heading to Costco a few times a week before,” said Vincent as she broke down a mountain of cardboard for recycling. “The greeters would remember us and say ‘there’s the bubble babes coming to buy us out of our whole supply of La Croix!’ It was nice, but the less I have to go to a place where old ladies call us ‘roommates’ the better. Getting our weekly supply from Jewel is now possible since Anna slowed down a bit on the bubble water. She’s even open to the store brand now, too, because she used to freak the fuck out if they didn’t have the Pamplemousse flavor in stock.”

Addictions counselors say they noticed a spike in sparkling water consumption amongst sober people in recent years.

“For most of my career if you went to a meeting, AA, NA, Al-Anon, anything like that, everyone would be smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. The ‘addict combo’ they’d call it,” said Michael Hemsworth, Addictions Specialist in Boca Raton, Florida. “But now everyone is drinking these little fizzy waters. I guess the jolt you feel on your tongue is nice, and kind of sparks the rush you used to chase with booze or drugs or risky behavior. It’s definitely healthier, so I like that element, but it really changes the vibe of sitting down with a bunch of other broken people, smoke clouds all around us and terrible coffee in styrofoam cups, talking about how bad our families are.”

At press time, Caspian is trying to be a ‘tea-person’ and recently purchased supplies to make ceremonial matcha, oolong and aged pu-erh.