Ian MacKaye has had many successes over his career. He has been a key figure in multiple influential bands, the owner and operator of a prolific record label, and a former Häagen-Dazs “Employee of the Month.”
But are these successes merely flashes in the pan, or does the man truly just crap gold? We took a look at the numbers and ranked fifty potential small business ventures based on how well we think they could be run by Ian MacKaye, who from this point on we will respectfully refer to as “Mr. MacKaye” or, more reverently, “The Businessman.”
50. Investment Bank
Starting out pretty obvious here. Mr. MacKaye may be pretty good with money, which is why we know he would absolutely burn this motherfucker down for the insurance payout within the first five minutes.
49. Ballet Academy
The Businessman is top-heavy and one spin is enough to send him through three different sets of walls. Besides, it’s a pain in the ass to plié with Doc Martens on.
48. Cattle Ranch
We’re not even sure that Mr. MacKaye knows what a cow is, let alone him being able to wrangle and milk like eight thousand of them all the time. Not to mention tractors are harder than tour vans to keep up and running regularly.
47. Grain Alcohol Distillery
Mr. MacKaye has hated alcohol since he was a teenager. Assuming he’s even aware of how combustible grain alcohol is, then there’s no chance this business isn’t immediately going up in flames.
46. Gun Range
Generally, gun people love to give long, stupid speeches about their beliefs, but aren’t necessarily fans of having speeches pointed back at them. That’s where we feel like Mr. MacKaye is going to alienate a lot of his potential clientele. Maybe he’d do better with bow and arrow? Let’s find out somewhere in the mid-30s on this list.
45. Cabinetmaker
The Businessman would abandon this business purely from lack of interest. Also, when he first went in he thought it meant amp cabinets and he just never got over that.
44. Academic Publishing Company
The bullshit factor at one of these “publish or perish” paper factories is so high that Mr. MacKaye would put his head through the office’s plate glass window rather than re-edit the second proof of the “Journal of Nonsense To Be Debunked Six Months From Now.”
43. Barber Shop
Even when Mr. MacKaye had hair, it was never his main priority. Unless this place caters exclusively to skinheads and stepfathers who watch too many movies about Navy SEALS then the business is going under in less time than it takes to buzz a scalp. Also, we’re pretty sure Barbicide has alcohol in it, which certainly won’t help.
42. Bakery
What? Did The Businessman suddenly become a talented yet unfulfilled white woman looking to be blindsided by love in an early 2000s rom-com? Actually, don’t think too hard about that one. Anyways, we stand by this ranking.
41. Magic Shop
At least with this one Mr. MacKaye had the foresight to gaze into the crystal ball to see that no matter how hard he tries this place is going under before he ever has to restock the novelty rabbit hats.
40. Trout Hatchery
What are the logistics of managing a small, organic, farm to table style trout hatchery? How the hell should we know? Is that even actually a thing? Regardless, Mr. MacKaye is gonna be in hot water attempting to run this small business – and hot water will also likely be the reason all of his fish die.
39. Used Car Lot
This place would only sell eco-friendly compact cars that burn old banana peels for fuel and fifteen-passenger tour vans that also only burn banana peels for fuel.
38. Archery School
Mr. MacKaye probably isn’t the biggest fan of bowhunting, but he is certainly in favor of self-defense in the scene. Still, if he ran this one we would anticipate a sharp uptick in random arrow wounds being reported in the D.C. metropolitan area.
37. Gas Station
Here’s a little-known fact: Mr. MacKaye is legally banned from every Sunoco in the contiguous United States. No member of the public knows why, and it’s literally the only thing he refuses to talk about in interviews, but according to a trusted source who requested to remain anonymous (fuck it, it was Guy Picciotto) his ass treated the tile in the restroom at the Marietta location like a power washer trying to get gum off a sidewalk, and apparently management has never forgiven him.
36. Private Investigator
This is like two steps outside of cop, so we know The Businessman’s not enthusiastic going in. He’ll certainly give it his best as a professional, but there’s no way he’s gonna be able to silently sift through a dumpster looking for evidence without causing enough commotion to alert every suspect in the vicinity that they’ve been made.
35. Tapas Restaurant
We can’t really see Mr. MacKaye going into this business with a whole lot of enthusiasm. He’s still a professional and he’ll give it his best, but at the end of the day he would absolutely hate this work – and you can’t serve croquettes that were made with hate.
34. Remote Controlled Car Kiosk at the Mall
Doesn’t this just look like fun? All you do all day is drive little toy cars around. Fun! Definitely not Mr. MacKaye’s cup of tea, everyone knows he gave up having fun in 1989.
33. Dude Ranch
Giddy up, giddy up, Mr. MacKaye! You’re gonna have to learn how to ride a horse and erect barbed wire fences real goddamn fast if you want half a shot at this business making any money.
32. Veterinary Clinic
Mr. MacKaye definitely gives off strong cat person energy. But regardless, his animal hospital would probably do pretty poorly. Somewhere between all of the complimentary pet care services for “the good of the Doberman scene” and the choice to invest in DIY fish penicillin, we don’t see this business making it more than a year.
31. Churro Stand
Running a churro stand is a surprisingly high-stress venture. You mean to say you want cinnamon AND powdered sugar on the same stick!? Go to hell – you’ve bankrupted The Businessman.
30. Karate Dojo
Yeah, maybe he can throw a punch – but you can tell he would definitely apologize to you afterward and that wasted time is really gonna eat into his bottom line on this one.
Is there anything more “local scene” than a band having two names because they were popular as both? This 14-thousand-piece ska band also did the song from “Jabberjaw” on Cartoon Network. They may not have rode the ’90s 3rd wave to mainstream success, but they will always be the reason we now know Alabama isn’t located in the Pacific Northwest.
Despite its name being perfectly suited for ska puns, Alaska is shockingly limited in its ska-lection of ska bands. Fortunately, the Naked Men are here to fill that hole. We bet this band was pissed when they went to name their band and found out “Polar Bear Club” was taken. And they’re not even a ska band! What a waste.
Ska-n-Roll band “2 Tone Lizard Kings” brings a bluesy swing to the typically staccato genre. The music grooves with a sweaty swagger that says, “Ohhh look at me, I live in Arizoooona.” Arizona may be a dry heat but 2 Tone Lizard Kings are sure to bring some wet funk.
Yet another state with a built-in ska pun name and another state that required Googling to find a single ska band. The Fayetteville Ska Alliance is a Christmas-themed ska band and probably an official part of the Arkansas State Guard.
This is quite an honor considering over 90% of ska music originated in California. Reggae too. Little known fact, the upstroke was invented by a high school sophomore in Orange County. But any true ska fan knows that without a doubt.
Everyone’s favorite Christian skankers, “Five Iron Frenzy,” are Colorado’s highest by a mile. Despite their overtly religious lyrics, ska fans of all denominations flock to FIF for their catchy, upbeat melodies. Their music videos make youth group actually look fun. Ya know, if you removed all that God stuff.
For as much punk, hardcore, and easycore that New England produces, ska is slim pickins in Lobsterville. Even the Agonizers avoided having a horn section. It must be the temperature. Ska does not seem to thrive below 70 degrees.
Delaware has a rich history of ska bands and it was really hard to choose just one to represent this ska-te (not a typo, that’s “ska” plus “state”). The Ol’ Dirty Brasstards are… okay, we admit it! We don’t know any ska bands from Delaware! We even resorted to searching “ska + delaware” on bandcamp after Google and Reddit failed us. If you know of a ska band from Delaware, tag them in the comments and tell them they need to be better about their SEO.
Firmly nestled in the base of America’s cock, Gainesville’s “Less Than Jake” is a legendary ska band who needs no introduction. Especially one so crude. They are among many incredible alternative bands from Florida such as Against Me!, A Day To Remember, and Yellowcard, but they stand alone as the kings of Floridska. (
Georgia’s Taj Motel Trio proves that 3rd wave ska doesn’t need to come from New Jersey to sound like Streetlight Manifesto. Kidding of course, Streetlight Manifesto isn’t ska. Or are they? Check out New Jersey to find out.
Black Square is one of the rare Hawaii ska bands to bring their sound to the mainland. While it may seem strange that this genre of island music is underrepresented on a literal island, it’s a clear sign that disgust for ska is consistent across all mainstream cultures. We must stand united!
Marching band horns? Check. Punny name? Check. This band is close enough for ska! Also, why did the ska musician’s mom hate his band? Idaho, AlaSKA!
Between Brendan Kelly and Dan Andriano (and to a lesser extent Peter Anna), Slapstick wound up a bonafide supergroup. They are an incredible addition from the golden era of 3rd wave ska. Though several band members later reported losing interest in the genre, Slapstick truly is the best “ska phase” captured on record.
Indiana’s “Johnny Socko” will have you skanking faster than a car at the Indy 500. Lazy simile aside, it’s true. That’s just all we know about Indiana. They were also on Asian Man records at some point, which has been true about many of these obscure bands from even more obscure states.
Okay, so this isn’t technically a ska band. This is a punk band signed to Alternative Tentacles. But just look at that name! We didn’t even check to see if they were from Iowa. They win this one sight unseen. (
If you thought the sunflower state couldn’t shine any brighter, the Ray-Guns are here (well, were here in 1998) to bring you some of the catchiest ska-punk Kansas has to offer.
Pimpslap blends 3rd wave ska with Cheshire Cat-era Blink 182. “Pimp” was such a go-to funny word in the ’90s and it was used most often when a suburban, upper-middle-class person wanted to be ironic. What a time to be alive.
Leading the New-tone charge, New Orleans’ Bad Operation continues to take the 4th wave in a sincere direction. Unlike many states, Louisiana has produced a solid number of ska bands. Maybe it’s their access to horns. Or the frequency of parades. (
El Grande is just your ol’ fashioned, lobster-catchin’ Maine ska band. Pretty typical of their breed. Little known fact, their band name came from the only two Spanish words that had made their way to Maine by the time the band formed in 2004.
There’s just something special about island music written by people who consider Baltimore an island. The Chesapeake may not be Montego, but The Skunks provide the soundtrack to a perfect evening at Seacrets during Beach Week. I mean, technically SOJA is the perfect band for that kind of night, but they’re less “ska” and more “a band of rich white guys who named their band ‘Soldiers of Jah’s Army.’”
This one is notable for being a surprise release that just sort of appeared on YouTube a week or two after “New Others Part One,” and needless to say, that was a treat for fans any way you slice it. It’s also notable for being the only TWDY record (I double-checked) that starts with a fast, hard-rocking passage and then settles into a slow, ominous, atmospheric dirge. You can almost hear Joey Ramone yelling onetwothreefour before the album kicks off. All of their other records do precisely the opposite. It’s an okay album, but it sounds like a collection of outtakes and B-sides, which, to be honest, it probably originally was anyway.
Death metal fans lost their minds when Blood Incantation, on the heels of a breathlessly acclaimed record, turned around in 2022 and made a lengthy EP of straight-up ambient synth music, but TWDY really beat them to the dramatic-genre-shifting punch by dropping their usual doom-drone-metal atmospherics to create this commissioned soundtrack to a Michelin-star rated restaurant in California, also called Vespertine. It’s fine in itself, and good for meditation or background music while you’re working or for putting on as a sort of lullaby to help cranky four-year-olds finally fall the hell asleep already, but it’s so far outside of TWDY’s usual work that it’s almost impossible to give it a legitimate ranking here.
It’s clear that this was recorded in the same session as “New Others Part 2,” but the songwriting is more cohesive and the shifts in dynamics feel more organic. Track likes “Syncage” play with synthesized effects more dramatically than the band has in the past, and even has some abrasive moments that sound like a mid-90s Nine Inch Nails remix, minus all the sadomasochistic “I’m Trent Reznor, woe is me” histrionics. As a whole, this record has a lot of the ambient stuff that would show up in Vespertine, but with enough dynamic range and variety that it still feels more or less like classic TWDY. A solid album.
A triumph of a debut. Opener “Quiet” is basically the band’s mission statement, at least for their earliest work, showing off their ability to turn simple, low-key motifs into anthems that you can head-bang to in slow motion. “The World is our _____” is a master class in how to use heavy delay effects on a lead guitar without seeming overly precious, and when the power chords kick in at 2:40, they feel 100% earned, rather than like someone said “Oh, hey, we should probably make it all loud and rockin’ now.” There’s a kind of simplicity to the album as a whole, both in production and songwriting, but it’s still a deeply satisfying record to come back to, and has the bonus feature of sticking the landing perfectly in the final moments of the final track, which just happens to be our “Play it Again” pick.
This is a really popular album among fans. We wouldn’t so much as raise an eyebrow if someone else were to put it at #1 or #2. Please bear that in mind before you carpet-bomb the comments section. This was a serious shift for the band from guitar-forward post-rock songs that could (and did) score movies and TV like “Moneyball” and “CSI” (not to mention promo segments for the 2010 Winter Olympics), to brooding, dense, doom-inflected drone metal. Opener “Little Smoke” is among their greatest songs, a 12-minute slow-burn monster that starts with seemingly-endless atmospheric synth figures before just sort of tipping over into a raging wall of cacophonous dread that barely seems to crack 30 beats per minute. “Glass Realms” is a preview of their more ambient work to come. There’s nothing skippable here. “Tunnel Blanket” must be experienced as a single work. It’s a thoroughly dark and somber – almost depressive, really – album, with very little reprieve.
Oddly enough, if you’re only going to own one TWDY album, it should probably be this one. It feels less like a live album than a greatest hits collection of their material up to and including “Tunnel Blanket.” The band already sounds atmospheric and reverb-laden in everything they put out, so the live setting doesn’t change much. They play the songs on here totally straight. Even the longer, multi-part ones are pretty indistinguishable from their studio counterparts, which is a little ironic because their live shows around this time were often bogged down in abstract noise experiments; you could barely pick out a riff or melody. Apparently, on the flight to Iceland, they decided to start playing more traditional live sets again, and what results is a simple compilation of most of their best songs at that point, if not so much a capturing of what they usually sounded like live in this era.
If you’re going to introduce TWDY to someone who’s never heard them, this is the album to insist they start with. Its structure, songwriting, and production are all extremely similar to “Young Mountain,” but with notable improvement in each of those areas. It’s a mix of songs that are darn near catchy – the riff to “Threads,” especially, will stick with you for quite some time – and songs that unfold in waves of abstract noise for what seems like ten minutes at a time. The record is perfectly balanced in every way, a Rosetta Stone of post-rock, and the last album for which they’d be satisfied with that formula before moving into a far more experimental direction.
If “Tunnel Blanket” was essentially a press release announcing “We’re not trying to just be a new version of Explosions in the Sky,” then Another Language announces “But we’re also not going to be pigeonholed into this whole doomgaze thing.” This record finds a happy medium that is beyond simple classification, blending ambient, metal, dream pop, and avant-garde noise into a fully-integrated final product. You simply can’t see or hear the stitches that connect these different genres. It’s fluid and perfectly executed. It’s an overwhelming and deeply beautiful 47-minute experience. This maybe isn’t the best record of theirs to hear before you’re acquainted with their vibe, but once you are so acquainted, it’s the best one, period. Splurge on the vinyl, kick back, and let it wash over you.
Literally fucking peanuts. How am I supposed to eat my feelings with goddamn peanuts?! My problems are way bigger than peanuts Virginia! I appreciate the effort you put into boiling them for some reason but pass.
What do you get when you cross-breed Bing cherries with Van cherries? Yeah, still just some dumb cherries. I didn’t come all the way up to the mountains for my health, so why are you serving me this?
When I heard what was on the menu in Oregon I couldn’t wait to get there. I couldn’t believe I was about to devour the flesh of disgraced crack-smoking former mayor Marion Barry. I had so many questions, like how did the state’s most celebrated food become human flesh? And Why the former District of Columbia mayor specifically? How did they manage to keep supplying flesh from just one person long enough for it to become a staple? But mostly, I was just super pumped to finally cross that line and commit the ultimate taboo. Well, turns out it’s some dumb fruit.
The food that stopped an entire generation from being able to afford a home! Definitely not the economic turmoil inevitable in late-stage capitalism, nope, it was avocado toast and woke lattes. The best avocados in the country can in fact be found in California, and while they are deceptively fatty, it’s the good kind of fat. I don’t deserve the good kind of fat.
Let me get this straight. I have a hole in me. An empty, corrosive void that leaves me feeling broken and incomplete all of the time, and I’m supposed to fill that void with corn? Corn. Look, it’s a perfectly fine side, but I’ve got demons to suppress and a cob can only hold so much butter Iowa.
We all love salmon, and salmon fresh from Alaska is the best Salmon you can get. Good enough to justify a $700 10-hour flight to Alaska? Well, no, but try to remember life is meaningless.
More damned corn! Apparently, South Carolina’s flagship delicacy is this weird corn and shrimp “stew” that doesn’t even have any broth! How the hell did you people get so dumb and weird eating food this healthy?! I’ll never eat my feelings at this rate.
Yes, it’s a donut, and all donuts are an excellent source of grease, carbohydrates, and fleeting comfort, but this particular variety is overrated. They’re usually cakey and the cinnamon and sugar dusting does all the heavy lifting. Honestly, after the 10th one I barely wanted to finish the dozen.
New England clam chowder is delicious, and the chowder they serve in Massachusetts is indeed a cut above the rest, but is it really worth the price of admission? I.E., being in Massachussets? Few things are.
These are french fries served with a secret recipe sauce that tastes like Thousand Island dressing and is, of course, Thousand Island dressing. It’s a greasy good way to drown your sorrows, but like, did I really need to come all the way to Utah for this?
You know how Superman has Bizzaro? Well, pizza has this. Nothing this bad for you should taste this terrible, but I will say that after forcing just two slices down my gullet I’m too logey to dwell on the fact that my own son hates me.
The “Juicy Lucy” is a cheeseburger with a twist: The cheese is in the middle! It’s delicious, and a fitting reminder that what’s terrible, toxic, and corrosive about me is on the inside.
As a broken person who has burned more bridges than he could ever hope to build, I love me some pie. Pecan pie is an open pie made with brown sugar, pecans, brown sugar, butter, and of course brown sugar. I would never say no to a slice of pecan pie, and it’s only ranked lower than other pies on this list because of the potential health benefits of nuts. I do not deserve antioxidants, and I do not deserve love.
You know what goes great on meat? More meat. If you disagree, congratulations, your serotonin levels are just fine, but me? I’m getting a Coney dog.
Traditionally this dessert gravy is served on biscuits, but as a man who refused to take over a 250-year-old family business and sabotaged 4 marriages, I’ve never been one for tradition. When I’m in Arkansas I pour this stuff over everything. Pancakes, turkey, my own head, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
If you think biscuits are a dumbass state food you’re thinking about that Pillsbury trash. Real home-cooked biscuits are warm, fluffy, near-perfect substitutions for love, with ungodly amounts of butter baked right on the top. That’s not to say I won’t be slapping more butter on these bad boys when they’re served. I’m trying to fill an emotional void, not start my day right.
A lot of people say New York is all about pizza, but if you look hard enough you can find decent New York-style pizza just about anywhere. Trying to find New York-style bagels outside the Northeast on the other hand will drive you to madness.
This food was designed to combat the bleakness of West Virginian coal miner life, so it can more than handle whatever menial problem I’m blowing out of proportion on any given day.
As a man slowly coming to terms with the fact that he’s almost 50 and never going to write that novel, I love me some pie. In this graham cracker-crusted meringue-topped version curdelling is part of the process. There’s a metaphor for my shitty life in there somewhere, but I’m too full of pie to think of it.
Nothing against Mrs. Buttersworth, but she just can’t hold a candle to the rich shame eating you can do with the dark, complex sugars created by naturally occurring Vermont maple syrup.
It’s basically a slightly fancier hot pocket.