Time to trade in The Strokes for the pokes as you head for your first colonoscopy. You honestly thought this day would never come, living that gentrifier bohemian life of the early 2000s New York indie rock scene. Bring your ears back to Brooklyn and dive into the top 20 songs by The Strokes to help distract you on your big special day. Think about the wild nights of your early twenties and how poor decision-making has added extra urgency. The appointment is set – time to see the doc and act cool for the camera!
“Someday”
You are solidly in your mid-40s, pal. No more riding around the facts and saying “someday” to your colonoscopy. Plus your family has a history of colon cancer, so this is actually pretty fucking important to get checked out. You listen to this upbeat tune from their first album and take an Uber but lie to the driver for some reason about where you’re going. You say you’re going to Trader Joe’s, even though he watches you walk into Sunshine Gastroenterology.
“What Ever Happened?”
What happened to you, man? You used to party all night at The Knitting Factory shows. The Moldy Peaches once stayed on your couch. You knew someone who knew someone who once made out with Karen O. You remember nosebleeds from railing lines off barstools, but now there’s just blood found in your own stool. It’s actually a really good thing that you’re getting this done, there’s been weird random gut pain whenever you crush a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita these days. Instead of knocking back shots, you’re chugging bowel prep medication. There’s just no way to make completely emptying yourself look hip, but you’ll somehow find a way.
“I’ll Try Anything Once (“You Only Live Once” demo)”
It’s your first time getting a colonoscopy so you’re a little nervous. You look around the waiting room, wondering when you lost your edge. You bet this kid reading a Highlights Magazine next to you never stayed up all night dancing on a Brooklyn brownstone rooftop, smoking and watching fireworks, that’s for sure. What a square. You were in Brooklyn before it was even cool, man. You throw on your AirPods and crank up The Strokes to make sure you’ll be making a doctor’s visit for your tinnitus in the near future as well.
“Ask Me Anything”
You realize you should be going on more daily walks after they take your weight and have you fill out some paperwork. Your name is called and you go in to chat with Dr. Winogrand. You bet this boring old doctor hasn’t seen Julian Casblancas perform a solo show at Arlene’s Grocery, that’s for sure. That show was so dope, though. One of the best nights of your life. You high-five yourself mentally and look around at his diplomas as he asks about your extreme alcohol consumption, constant smoking and meat-rich diet. The conversation is so stressful you consider pounding a cigarette and a Slim Jim in the parking lot.
“Metabolism”
Remember when you used to scarf down two Papaya hot dogs, a Coke, a dollar slice of pizza and call it a night? Your metabolism was so impressive. Now it’s heartburn city and constant constipation. As the doctor scolds you because you haven’t eaten a vegetable since 2012, you think about how cool The Strokes looked in their tight fits and tousled hair. You reminisce about how you once aspired to look like that. You could never dress like them now in your lame suburban town. I bet your kind elderly neighbors don’t even know how to get to the L train.
“Bad Decisions”
This more recent song by The Strokes makes you wonder why you abandoned your creative pursuits. Instead of ever actually learning that guitar, the income from your horrendous finance job went straight up your nose or towards the all-night Williamsburg bar scene. You could even smoke in bars back then. You remember when the ban went into effect, as you change into your medical gown. You look fine on the outside but you know that a lifetime of bad decisions has left your stomach looking like a charred pot. Plus you sold that guitar years ago when you left NYC for the ‘burbs, you fucking normie.
“Under Control”
Let’s get this propofol rolling. You love their sophomore album and think about this song as the anesthesia team gets this party started. They lay you down on your left side and you think about how these popular sedative drugs would’ve been at your Lower East Side parties. That familiar childlike giddiness sets in and you stare sideways at a calendar that hasn’t been changed to this month yet. This minor details makes you question the competence of the medical staff but you’re way too high for your usual thrum of anxiety.
“Last Nite”
This is it. This is the song of questionable bathroom decisions at the Bowery Ballroom. This is the song you took a body shot off James Murphy to. This is the song you and your friends from Kim’s Video would blast from a railroad apartment at 3 a.m. You can’t help yourself, you dance a bit while lying down sideways. You love busting out a groove to this song but every time you try to do a little dance, the nurse tells you to stay still or you could tear your colon lining.
“When it Started”
You are knocked out cold aaand it’s going in. Here we go. This is vulnerability. Almost as vulnerable as that night you blacked out at Pianos. There was an insane deal on PBR. They were “cool” again and those beer/shot combos were like sirens. You had completely evacuated your insides from all orifices in a nearby alley, lying in the fetal position until your roommate’s friend recognized you and somehow stuffed you into a cab. As the colonoscope travels up your rectum to your colon, there is comfort knowing you have a 6-pack of ice-cold PBR tallboys sitting in your fridge at this very moment. You tell yourself you bought them for nostalgia, not because they were steeply discounted.
“Under Cover of Darkness”
It is fully inside, plunged in the darkness known as you. Life wasn’t always a bed of roses in New York, man. Such an expensive city. $20 flies out of your pocket every time you step outside. Getting your life together after the 2008 recession was tricky, too. You remember you couldn’t go to a Strokes concert at Rockwood Music Hall because you had taken some temp job commuting from fucking Long Island and had a work function conflict. That was the beginning of the end, man. Soon you’d be barbecuing in the suburbs, where Steve down the road hasn’t even heard of TV on the Radio. Steve keeps inviting you to pickleball, but death seems more appealing.
Longtime, casual and fair-weather fans of The Aquabats’ music, personas, stage clothes, and goofy, goofy banter likely don’t know too much about the band’s newest LP “Kooky Spooky… In Stereo” as it came out at the height of the pandemic, and we all had other things to think about. Still, like its six predecessors, this LP puts the “enjo” in “enjoyable,” and this record is absolutely perfect for bubbly babies, acerbically witty adolescents, newly married twenty-somethings, and ne’er do well nursing homes sans Ben Stiller’s character in “Happy Gilmore” but with Wheel of Fortune’s letter turner Bob Barker. Continuing the sterling and sound tradition that the band started on their fourth studio album “Charge!,” the wild and crazy (The) Aquabats ended each song title with an exclamation point, and were happy to yell this at the sun in both bold and italic… They just want to party!
The Aquabats’ fourth LP “Charge!!” actually doubles as a naval command and an Uber/Lyft shriek, and picks up where its odd-in-the-best way third/underrated record “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” with an almost total upstroke elimination segueing into Devo territory. Released on The Offspring and American Airlines’ Dexter Holland and the former Offspring bassist, Greg K. of Kmart’s now-defunct label Nitro Records, previous home to AFI, Crime in Stereo, formerly featuring current Aquabats guitarist Ian “Eagle ‘Bones’ Falconhawk” Fowles, who joined The Aquabats on their next wet release, “Hi-Five Soup!,” Son of Sam, and ColdBrew, this record served as a comeback to many misinformed dumbos who were turned off by its fantastic predecessor. The band released various compilations, EPs, and laserdiscs between album number three and four, and this LP had the longest gap between full-lengths until the year of our lord known as 2020.
Hey homies, “Hi-Five Soup!” is undoubtedly the best Aquabats LP of the 21st century, and we will get soaked for its cause. Its album cover is a fun outer space venture honoring New England Clam Chowder’s relationship with your left hand, whilst your right one swings back in the form of a former B.F.F. fisticuff session twice to honor each exclamation point in this studio album’s title, providing awesome forces in your dreams/pants. Fun fact: The late and great distinct rapper/icon/Czar Biz Markie is featured on track four, “Radio Down?” and said song provides a confluence of emotions and/or an FM wheelie! Speaking of features, Strong Bad, a fictional character from “Homestar Runner” also cameos on “Pink Pants! In closing, The Aquabats’ independently filmed TV pilot “The Aquabats! Super Show!” got picked up by The Hub a few months after this record came out.
The one that started it all, “The Return of The Aquabats,” is actually a sequel to a self-titled LP that doesn’t exist? The world may never know! Speaking of sequels, “Martian Girl,” “Idiot Box,” and “Playdough” appear in re-recorded form on “The Fury of The Aquabats,” and “Playdough” itself has the distinction of being this album’s opening track and its follow-up’s bonus hidden track… It’s crazy, man! Self-released on their own label Horchata Records, also home to the underrated Attaboy Skip, and eventually re-released by Fearless Records, the current home to Chase Atlantic, Boys Like Girls, and Bon Jovi six years later, we want to give a shout out to the OG AB mega line-up consisting of The Caped Commander, The Caped Crusader, Chain Saw, OC’s Chain Reaction, The Brain, Pinky, Crash McLarson, Crash Romeo, Roddy B., “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Nacho, Queso, Cat Boy, Batgirl, Prince A., and Meghan Markle.
The Aquabats’ third album “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” is the last of three LPs to contain the band’s name in its title, but this one is divisive amongst the band’s fans and polarizing for others. Still, this is the band’s last 1990s album, and caused the then-eight piece much pain and strife, as it fell quite short of expected sales, forced the band to be dropped from the label one year later, and created a hiatus of sorts for the next batch of years. Sometimes great art isn’t appreciated by the public until years later, or ever, as people be stupid, but this record stands the test of time for its creativity. To put it simply, no album from any band pre-1999 and 2000-beyond sounds like this one, and “Giant Robot-Birdhead” should be an anthem for anyone with taste… Hello/good night!
Sophomore slump or comeback of the year? Both? Neither? The Aquabats execute surf guitar in some form on each LP, but this album “The Fury of The Aquabats has a theme song and a metaphorical one echoing peak Dick Dale. 1997 was also a peak year for the ska/ska-punk/third-wave/swing world with the ultra-successful The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Let’s Face It,” Goldfinger’s “Hang-Ups,” Save Ferris’ “It Means Everything,” and Lord Belial’s two-tone classic “Enter the Moonlight Gate” records. Also, this album briefly broke the band into the mainstream with the band’s now-anthem “Super Rad!,” of which Scullions’ Bobcat “Evil but Eventually Good Zed from ‘Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment’ and several other of its sequels, or “Shakes the Clown” if you Want to Laugh/Cry” Goldthwait directed was featured on your idiot box via MTV.
Whether or not you’ve obtained a legal vendor’s permit through the proper channels, is none of Charlie’s concern.
It’s probably safe to assume that Ugly Naked Guy would be the one who’s getting the police called on him for exposing himself to a minor. He’s going to do whatever he can to avoid the heat.
He’s too famous to care about something so inconsequential as the legality of a child’s lemonade stand. There’s no way he’s stopping, either. He doesn’t think about you, kids, laws, and he never will.
As the manager of a small business, Gunther wouldn’t be one to stifle the joy of a young entrepreneur. In fact, he might even offer great business advice but it’ll probably go unnoticed by everyone around him given his forgettable voice, face, and general vibe.
Parker is sure to be jazzed to see a lemonade stand on his block. You bet he’s gonna buy a cup and describe every sensation he feels with every sip. “It’s like my tongue has just witnessed the sunrise for the first time.” But his commentary quickly becomes grating and you’ll end up having to escort him off your property for bothering the neighbors.
Bless her heart, Erica would not even know what a vendor permit is.
If Joey passed by a kid selling lemonade you best believe he’s gonna throw down every quarter in his pocket to quench his never-ending thirst. He’ll down the whole pitcher, belch, and then give the little “champ” a high-five before hitting on someone’s mother.
Tag’s too laid back, young, and dumb to have any ounce of entitlement. He’d buy a cup before spotting a hoverboard peeking out of their garage and politely ask to take it for a spin. He’ll no doubt break his arm but he’ll be smiling all the way to the emergency room.
Phoebe would be so amped to see a little kid selling lemonade. The sight would make her reminisce about a time when she was a child, begging her parents to allow her to have a lemonade stand of her own. Then she’ll bring down the entire mood by mentioning her mother’s suicide and how she was homeless by the age of 14, telling the little 8-year-old to live it up while they still can.
Janice would screech, “Oh my gawd, look at the little businessman!” while everyone plugged their ears. She’ll be that annoying aunt you dread to see because you’re constantly embarrassed by the amount of attention she gives.
Mike’s childlike behavior is sure to emerge when he’s in the presence of a child. Before you even realize it, he’ll be chatting away with your kid about cartoons and video games. Chances are you’ll have to intervene when the conversation between the two gets heated about which Dragon Ball Z character is the strongest.
Despite growing up wealthy and entitled, Rachel grew into a very grounded and down-to-earth adult after being financially cut off by her parents. She understands the emotional turmoil of earning a dollar, so she’ll be excited to buy a cup before gossiping to you about that one house on the corner.
Carol understands that even if your kid’s lemonade stand doesn’t have a permit it’s not right to call the authorities on a child. She’s gonna buy herself a cup and make sure that Susan stays inside that day.
Tech Millionaire and aspiring UFC champ Pete Becker, is always trying to prove that despite his wealth, he’s still a man of the people. That’s why when he sees your kid’s lemonade stand he’ll buy a cup for 25 dollars and not realize the price is actually 25 cents.
Fun Bobby’s only concern in life is finding the next party. If he comes around he’s gonna buy a cup, spike it with liquor, and shoot the shit with you. But, before you know it, he’s downed 3 pitchers and is now drunkenly telling you about all the women in the neighborhood he’s slept with while their husbands were away.
There’s nothing more amusing than a ruggedly handsome, emotionally fragile man. Upon seeing a loving relationship that you have with your kid, memories of his past will flood in and he’ll be a puddle of tears by his second sip.
As a former high school teacher she would be delighted to see a young person in America get out of the house and do something productive instead of wanting to be some brainless TikToker. It’s clear her projection is due to her own three brainless children each on their own iPad watching a ten-hour Mr. Beast YouTube video.
No, Jack wouldn’t be one to call the cops. But he probably would refuse to buy a cup because he heard one time that the acid in lemons weakens your enamel and he needs to hold on to the little he has left.
Judy’s not the type to discipline another child. She would likely fawn over the “adorable little setup you have going on here” before making backhanded comments to Monica about her adopted grandchildren. With a strong emphasis on the word adopted.
Chandler would walk up and when you ask, “would you like a lemonade, sir?” He’ll sarcastically joke, “No, I’m just here to hit on your daughter.” Then laugh before realizing what he just said. He’ll try to save it by saying, “I don’t find your daughter attractive, sir.” But he makes it worse. “Not that she’s ugly. Because for a girl her age, she’s a knock-out.” He’ll laugh once more and add, “Yeah, I think I’ll just go.”
Paolo would be confused to see a small vendor booth in a suburban neighborhood. He’ll be momentarily transported to the streets of Italy where he used to buy gelato from an old woman with no left eye. He’ll approach the booth and struggle to read the sign, “Le-moan-add?” but then it’ll click, “Ah, si limonata.” There’s no way he’s not buying a cup.
Look around—do you really think you’ll find a stimulant in this joint? Everyone looks like they’ve been stricken with terminal ennui. These freaks are probably strung out on some weird drug you’ve never heard of that doesn’t even make them feel good. Some little dude offers you a spoonful of some shit called garmonbozia, but you wisely pass. They do let you smoke inside, so that’s pretty dope. But none of these depressed lowlifes seem like they’d be able to help you get that 8-ball.
Sorry, there’s no coke at this subterranean post-apocalyptic rave. Operation Dark Storm blocked the sun and killed off all vegetation on Earth—including the precious coca plant. There is a greasy white guy with dreadlocks who can jack you into the Matrix and run a cocaine simulation, but you probably don’t want to be totally checked out in case the flying squid robots show up. Better to stick with jenkem, of which the filthy future-hippies of Zion have plenty.
There’s lots of coke at the Bing, but probably not for a no-count mamaluke like you. The bartender would be suspicious of an outsider coming around asking for drugs, and he’d likely summon Paulie and a crew of goombahs to beat the shit out of you with pool cues. Then, they’d tie you up and Tony would slap you over and over, asking if Uncle June sent you. Sorry, you’re probably going to wind up at the bottom of the Passaic River.
After you get led through a secret door at the back of a downtown slaughterhouse, you find yourself in the midst of a raging party filled with attractive people dancing their heads off to electronic music. Someone here has got to have some shit to sell you, right? The thing is, if you’re looking for a toot, you’re in for a bad time. Vampires actually don’t do a lot of coke since not seeing their reflection in the mirror while they snort lines tends to freak them out. Recommended attire: Some sort of ascot, scarf or other neck protection.
Ordinarily, buying some gack at this Eurotrash hotspot would be no problem. The clientele is generally so zooted they barely noticed that time a robot walked through the crowd and dragged some thug out by his hair. If you were unlucky enough to show up after that buzzkilling cyborg made an appearance, people would probably be too freaked out to break out the goods. Sure, there’s always yeyo to be found in Old Detroit, but the supply chain suffered a big hit after Clarence Boddicker took a data spike to the neck.
Judging by the hordes of scumbags in attendance, it’ll be no problem to find someone to sell to you here, but it’s wise to buy your bag quickly and split. The decor—including a blindfolded baby doll in a ring of barbed wire—leaves something to be desired. Besides, there’s always the chance that Pinhead could show up again and start stabbing people in the head with poorly rendered CG ice daggers or shooting his chains and hooks all over the place.
Even though the nocturnal incarnation of The Peach Pit hosted some cool bands like The Cramps and Flaming Lips, the drug landscape there was pretty lame. Kelly was fond of nose candy for a little while, but she’s since gone to rehab and cleaned up. The only one among the uptight 90210 crew that really parties is David, though he famously favors meth. He might offer to hook you up with some flake, but he’s the type of scumbag who would take your money and never come back, leaving you broke and jonesing.
You’d be right to think that a club in a Miami-like city in the ’80s would be overflowing with booger sugar—however, the vibe around here is a bit off-putting. There never seems to be more than a handful of listless, stiffly dancing, vacant-eyed dullards in this huge joint. The whole atmosphere is pretty lame, in fact. Several of the patrons are probably holding, but even the idea of navigating a transaction with one of these blocky dorks is exhausting.
You’ll need to go mad enough from cabin fever to pierce the veil between this world and the one beyond if you want to rub elbows with the ghostly revelers at their 1921 July 4th soirée. Cocaine was still technically legal then, but you would mainly find it in soft drinks and elixirs, and you’d probably get a belly ache from drinking all that stuff before you actually got blitzed. However, people are saying the guy in the bear costume is slinging, so you should probably try to party with that dude.
Yup, there’s coke here. You think you’re going to get all those goths to dance like that to My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult without a little pharmaceutical enhancement? You try lacing up 20-eye Docs sober. The real action is in the penthouse, of course, where Top Dollar rules his criminal empire, though you’d better hope you’re a bullet-proof goth ghost if you accidentally interrupt the annual crime boss social while you’re looking for the bathroom.
It figures you’d be wearing a Hawaiian shirt the night you decide to check out this club where the dress code seems to be white jumpsuits and codpieces. Though they specialize in vellocet and synthemesc milks, the bartender is willing to make you one laced with cocaine instead. You tip generously and take a seat, feeling the gaze of a mascara-wearing gang of blokes in bowler hats. You’re surprised when the one comes over and invites you out with them for a night of “ultraviolence”, but hey, when in Rome, right?
It’s probably not a good idea to try and score while Batman is actively busting skulls in the Penguin’s hangout. However, it is a bad guy club in Gotham City, so of course there’s abundant polvo to be had here once the dust has settled. Don’t be surprised if you spot Bruce Wayne blowing some rails in the bathroom later on—he’s very dedicated to keeping up his authentic millionaire playboy appearance.
When you read all the glowing reviews of this place online, you just had to come check it out. Too bad no one mentioned it’s less of a nightclub and more of a hangout for at-risk youth. That being said, it is a pretty cool joint. There are arcade games, a skateboard ramp, gambling and kids shooting pool and slinging cigs. Granted, it feels a little weird to be buying a bag from a seventh grader, but any port in a storm as they say.
There are a bunch of fucked up looking aliens in this wretched hive of scum and villainy, but no one that really seems like they’d have what you’re after. But wait, there’s Han Solo, infamous galactic smuggler! Don’t act all surprised that Han is the galaxy’s go-to guy for coke—what exactly did you think he was smuggling all this time? Counterfeit Gucci bags? There’s so much snow in the Falcon’s secret compartment it looks like Hoth in there.
Now we’re talkin’. This place is teeming with minor league dealers in Members Only jackets with little ponytails. Just ask anyone—they’ll hook you up and you’ll be hitting the slopes in no time. Sure, once a time-traveling cyborg showed up and murdered dozens of people. Big deal! The chance of being killed in a mass shooting is a risk every American takes just leaving the house these days. Besides, they say lightning never strikes the same place twice, so you’re probably extra safe there.