MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Members of rockabilly octet Eddie Mercury and the Cougars recently took a paternity test to determine who’s the real daddy-o of scene queen Darby Cash’s baby, sources close to the band confirmed.
“This bird claims I’m the daddy-o of her baby-o. But she got me pegged for some other cat, Kemosabe,” said lead singer and upright bassist Eddie Mercury. “Honestly, I don’t blame her. It could be any of The Cougars. I can’t even tell us apart sometimes. My hunch? When we were all hangin’ at the drive-in a few months ago, she hopped in the wrong T-Bird and played backseat bingo with a Coug she thought was me. Probably Randy Sandy. So why should I have to take a paternity test!? Tests are for squares! If I’m takin’ it, the whole band is too, ya dig?!”
Expecting mother Cash cried into her poodle skirt as she expressed frustration over Mercury’s side of the story.
”I don’t know what Eddie’s been rolling his cigs with lately but this kid is 100% his,” Cash claims. “We’ve been steadies since high school. He’s the only one I’ve ever made it with, no foolin’. This dimestore James Dean needs to stop playing dress up and start being a grown-up. We can’t support a family on my hairdressing tips and his occasional Elks Lodge gig. So now we are going to find out once and for all. And then he’s haulin’ ass to the dick doctor to get the snip snap. For someone who likes to burn rubber so much, maybe he should start wearing one.”
Dolores Peoples, a technician with Memphis DNA, was one of the clinicians on staff who helped determine the baby’s father.
“It was fucking weird,” said Peoples. “All these bowling-shirt-wearing clowns roll up in these old ass cars then jitterbug into the clinic while humming some doo-wop bullshit and snapping their fingers as they walked in a circle in the waiting room. The main dude drew blood for his DNA test with a switchblade. Another guy plucked a strand of hair from his stupid pompadour. Some jackass even put out his cigarette in a petri dish. Any way you slice it this kid is going to have a tough upbringing, and I’m not really sure you can install a baby car seat in a deuce coupe.”
At press time, Eddie Mercury and the Cougars were thumbing a ride home after local police towed their vehicles because they suspected the band organized an unsanctioned classic car show in the clinic parking lot.