29. Sephora Franchise
We can’t say that he has much previous experience with women’s beauty care products, but that big, beautiful, bald head of his makes a perfect testing surface for the various creams and oils he’s gonna be peddling.
28. Army/Navy Surplus Store
This one would be higher on the list, except we know that half the inventory would be reserved for Mr. MacKaye’s personal use. Having been straight edge his entire life he never learned the importance of “don’t get high on your own supply.”
27. Renaissance Fair Vendor
We were kind of torn on this one. On the one hand, a lot of those vendors are independent sellers, so that might hold some appeal for Mr. MacKaye. But it’s just really hard to picture him being enthusiastic about wearing a jester’s costume and peddling replica rapiers and turkey legs all Saturday.
26. Florist
His favorite flowers are the lilies. But chrysanthemums – those can go right to hell.
25. Landlord
This is less of a job than it is more of an extortion racket, but how Mr. MacKaye would do at it depends on which perspective you look at it from. If doing a “good” job means swindling as much money as he can out of already less advantaged people then he would be horrible as a landlord. If it means answering a maintenance call at 3 a.m. and bringing multiple wrenches because the washing machine is making that noise again then he would be great. So it could go either way on this one.
24. Carpet Cleaners
How is this thing even still a business? Just get a goddamn Roomba already. Fuck.
23. Lighthouse
Lighthouse keeper is a noble position. Lonely however, which is why we didn’t rank it higher. We just can’t see The Businessman spending months at a time on a remote coastline without doing any documentary interviews.
22. YouTube Show Where He Interviews Celebrities Who Have To Eat a Series of Progressively Spicier Chicken Wings
They can do vegan wings on this show now, so the only issue really is that he would just keep interviewing Henry Rollins over and over again.
21. Travelling Carnival
The Businessman had plenty of touring experience to bring with him to this spectacle of cotton candy and scam games. But he’ll likely have some issues getting rides to work if the PA situation at most Minor Threat shows is any indication.