WASHINGTON — Legendary hardcore vocalist and sunburn victim Ian MacKaye reportedly became irritated with his friends and family for failing to alert him to more practical pieces of headwear, sources report.
“Me and Guy (Picciotto) were sitting on the porch of the Dischord house, enjoying some late summer sun and discussing how much money we left on the table with those $5 shows. When I went back inside my face was as red as the ‘13 Songs’ album cover. It turns out beanies offer no sun protection, and you think my so-called ‘friends’ might have mentioned this to me,” said a visibly frustrated MacKaye. “I did some internet research and it turns out they have been making hats with brims for hundreds of years and they would have perfectly shielded my face from damaging UV rays. But when I asked my friends why they left me in the dark the half-assed excuses began pouring out. They claimed we were busy writing long instrumental interludes. I told them I didn’t want to hear it! None of this bullshit!”
Long-time friend and former Häagen-Dazs ice cream shop co-worker, Henry Rollins, claims that Ian’s inner circle did attempt to tell him about proper hats.
“We told him. Many times. One time we we were taking one of our famed ‘Terror Walks’ to the Key Bridge, and I offered him my bucket hat so the back of his neck wouldn’t get so burned up, he looked straight at me and just said ’ You’re not what you own.’ I don’t even know what that means,” said a shirtless Rollins. “Listen, I understand that being a member of multiple seminal bands can give you an artistic tunnel vision. But you gotta be open to change like maybe it’s time to make a Fugazi shirt. It won’t destroy the ‘integrity of the scene,’ I promise!”
Dr. Johnny Dalton, Director of Entertainment Psychology at Oregon State Hospital, claims this event is more common than we realize.
“Like a baseball player walking up to the plate, many celebrated musicians too often succumb to routine. No matter how dangerous it becomes. Most recently we almost lost Lenny Kravitz to a brutal chafing incident as he was unaware you could wear a shirt underneath a leather jacket,” said a concerned Dr. Dalton.” I personally have suggested to Glen Danzig to give up the ‘Dude Who Sells You Homemade Speed’ look and to go back to the pompadour to no avail. But hey if he wants to continue to be the butt of memes jokes, ain’t my fucking problem. Now you gotta go. I have Metalica up next. Again.”
MacKaye was unavailable for further comment as he was busy simultaneously attending seven local D.C.-area punk shows.
Photo by David Shankbone.