Couple Simultaneously Offended, Relieved They’re Not Invited to Wedding

Posted on by Tim Graham

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Hannah and Jack Lungo experienced both anger and relief upon realizing they hadn’t been invited to their friends’ wedding, according to sources who were invited and had to hear all about it.

“When we saw all these people on social media talking about Lucy and Dan’s upcoming wedding, we were outraged,” said Hannah. “We practically introduced those two, and now they can’t even invite us? I can’t think of why they would leave us out, unless it’s to do with that time Jack got drunk at game night and threw up on their cat. In any case, we were pissed off—that is, until we saw that the wedding was in Colorado. We wound up being pretty relieved that we didn’t have to spend all that time and money on flights, a gift and a hotel. Fuck ‘em, they’re not worth all that. No one is.”

Conversely, mutual friend Constance Washington and her partner were initially excited to be invited to the wedding.

“We really like Lucy and Dan,” said Washington as she struggled to close an overstuffed suitcase. “So we were psyched that we made the cut. But then we found out it was a ski-themed destination wedding, and that kind of put a damper on things. That means taking time off of work, hiring a dog sitter and refilling my Xanax script so I can fly without having a panic attack. And Jesus, the packing! You ever try cramming a gown and snow pants into a carry-on? Besides, we don’t even ski!”

Psychologist Wendy Spangler advises people to take pleasure when plans are canceled or when they’re not invited to an event.

“I remind patients to relish in what the Germans call ‘Stornierungsfreude,’ or the joy of canceled plans,” said Spangler. “I would tell this couple not to be disappointed, and rather to enjoy their newfound free time. Instead of the headache of travel, they are free to rest comfortably in their own home. Instead of enduring arduous, banal small-talk at the table full of strangers they’d inevitably be placed at, the two of them can eat burritos and binge watch the new season of ‘Fargo.’ They are free to do anything they like now—or better yet, nothing at all!”

At press time, the Lungos were reportedly cozily nestled on their couch, giddily scrolling Instagram pictures of the wedding, which was ruined by heavy rain.

New Year, No Me: How I Plan To Commit Insurance Fraud and Completely Disappear in 2024

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Another year, another plan to disappear completely and never be found. It’s not an instinct universally shared, but how else are you going to cash in that sweet life insurance bundle? Here is a beginner’s guide to removing yourself from society and living beyond your own staged death aka your “pseudocide.” That is until the federal government accesses your browsing history and finds this article. Let’s get started on your big mysterious goodbye!

Find a partner in crime
When I say “partner in crime,” I don’t mean a cute euphemism for a spouse in an anniversary photo. I mean that you’ll need to find someone that you trust as a life insurance beneficiary, but who also doesn’t have a single tie to anyone else in your social circle. Ideally, this is the sketchiest, least ethical person you know, without the barest thread of a tangential connection leading back to you. Maybe your old shady roommate knows a guy? Or, even better, make a friend at a bar and make them pinky-swear to the scheme. No crime has ever gone wrong between strangers, right?

Goodbye to everything, but goodbye to no one
Rid yourself of all worldly possessions without giving a single hint to anyone that you are planning your disappearance. Make plans for the future with friends while donating everything to thrift stores a few towns over. Change your appearance, slowly and subtly. Also, most importantly, go offline. Smash your SIM card and sink your burnt laptop to a lake floor. Try to avoid self-aggrandizing “goodbye social media” posts that let everyone know of your intentions for a “mental health break.” Most people who disappear have the most inconsequential, ugly selfie as their last post. The worse the aesthetic, the better.

Stage the scene
Aggressively pursue a new dangerous hobby with reckless abandon. Skydiving works but there are too many drones and cameras around these days. A botched mugging involves other people. Might I suggest whitewater canoeing? Your battered paddles found on a shoreline will communicate volumes. Easier to obscure a hidden cache of clothes, equipment, and money under a bridge, too. Trek through the wilderness to an agreed-upon Appalachian hideout. Avoid Googling yourself in case IP addresses are being traced through a staged search site. Let your hermit instincts guide you, despite only having half-read Walden.

Now you should be holed up in a ramshackle country cabin, awaiting your half of the life insurance from that seedy dockworker you met at a harbor dive bar. Any day now, your half of the loot is coming. Any… day now. Acclimate yourself to cold raw deer meat and celebrate living off the land in winter, while lacking antibiotics. No one knows you’re here. You’re basked in silence. Hear that? It’s the true sound of freedom. And tinnitus from a severe sinus infection.

Band On Verge of Breaking Up Hopes to Solve Issues by Buying a Synth

Posted on by Peter Woods

NORFOLK, Va. — Members of local power pop band The Voltage Enthusiasts reportedly purchased a synthesizer in what some are claiming is a “last ditch effort” to keep the band together, according to sources monitoring inter-band member disputes stretching back 16 months or more.

“I feel like we’ve tried everything at this point,” said drummer Denver Kennedy. “We’ve gone on tour, started talking more in between songs at gigs, even mixing up our song structures in the practice space. I mean, hell, we have even tried collaborating with other people and covering other people’s songs. We just don’t seem to have that spark anymore. But we want to stick it out for our fans. So I guess we’ll see if a synth can bring us closer together.”

For fans of The Voltage Enthusiasts, the news came as a shock.

“I had no idea they were having trouble in paradise, none of us did. I hope they can work it out because they are one of the only local bands worth leaving the house for,” said longtime supporter Ebony Pugh. “But I guess you never know what’s happening behind the scenes. They just all seem so perfect together. Whenever I’m at one of their gigs, they look so happy and even do stuff like sing into each other’s microphones in front of the audience. Guess it must have been pretty rocky backstage.”

However, some question whether the new purchase will keep the band together.

“As soon as you get to this point, you’re far beyond saving yourselves. I’ve seen bands at a synth, tambourine, even a second drummer, it’s just not going to work,” said local music critic Lillia Sullivan. “There’s just too much history to work through and this band has history. Like, as soon as I heard that their bassist had started playing wedding gigs on the side, I knew that the other members would eventually find out and they did. And I know they’ve been going to therapy, but I just don’t understand how a synth can get you past that sort of betrayal.”

According to reports from the group’s Instagram page, many have already seen improvements in the members’ demeanor that have greatly surpassed the results of their last attempt at saving the band which involved “just having lots of sex with each other.”

Distressed Canary Really Killing Vibe in Poorly Ventilated Basement Venue

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — An increasingly agitated yellow canary found inside a previously abandoned basement venue is really bumming out attendees at a recent crust punk show, sources drifting in and out of consciousness confirmed.

“Our band prides itself on playing anywhere and anytime. But this last venue was like Guantanamo shit. It was so dank and dark, aside from a few scattered whale oil lamps. The only way you even knew a crowd was there was the occasional sound of spasmodic coughing fits,” said lead singer of headlining band Bum Cuckets, Talia Flowers. “But what really fucked us up was the persistent sound of a chirping canary. We tried to incorporate it into the music, but sentinel birds can’t keep time for shit.”

Venue owner Oliver Cruz explained how he came upon his property’s unique “basement” venue.

“We didn’t even know the place had a basement until we found the old, underground rail tracks in the backyard. All we had to do was bust through a few skull and crossbones signs, then buy a keg, and boom, we’re the premiere punk venue in the county,” said Cruz. “As for the canary, that thing was just always here. I tried moving it once, but I received the memories of a 19th-century Welsh immigrant the moment I touched the wrought iron cage. But besides the occasional visions of 144 men and boys suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, and the hardcore kid that severed his arm because he stuck it too far outside the cart, it’s been smooth sailing.”

Still, not all show attendees were happy with the performance, including slightly translucent apparition Enoch Baughan.

“The tunnel buttresses are prism-shaped, when they should be cylindrical. I pleaded with management, but they declared me a poser, whatever on earth that means. I wished to box his ears, but bit my tongue, as I need my wages if I wish to have my dear Agnes join me in the new country,” explained the incorporeal entity. “Still, the other miners here are most strange. Young moll buzzers in cow hide and covered in tattoos like common seafarers, despite their landlocked predicament. But, I mustn’t get too high for my nut. For I shall see you again, Agnes! Wait, what’s this? No, cave-in, ho!”

At press time, Cruz had responded to attendee complaints of poor ventilation and debilitating headaches by setting up a box fan behind the drum kit.

Real-Life Fonzie? This Guy Only Hangs Out With High School Kids

Posted on by Tim Graham

Meet Andy “The Ronz” Ronzoni: Cheboygan, Minnesota’s coolest resident. He’s got slicked-back hair, rides a killer motorcycle and has a devil-may-care attitude. Sounds a little like a certain beloved TV greaser, doesn’t it? Well, the similarities don’t stop there. See, The Ronz, much like his leather-clad Happy Days counterpart, chills exclusively with high school kids!

Some people might be suspicious of the motives of an emotionally-stunted, unemployed 32 year old social outcast whose only friends are teenagers, but Ronzoni insists there’s nothing to worry about. The neighborhood kids love him. They rely upon his wisdom, guidance, and the beer and smokes he buys for them. If cool-as-ice Ronzie contends that it’s safer for the youth to party with him than with some creep, who are we to argue?

“The Ronz doesn’t work, and no one really knows what he does all day while we’re at school,” said pal and high school junior Flip McNair. “One time I came home and he was on the couch, watching NCIS reruns with my mom—or ‘Mrs. M’ as he calls her. It was kind of weird, but then he and I snuck some cigs out behind the garage, so that was cool.”

And just how does The Ronz get by without a job? Ronzoni receives disability checks due to a head injury from when tried to jump the Cheboygan Dam on his motorcycle. The Ronz doesn’t squander all that free time of his, though—he’s constantly honing his ineffable coolness. From wrenching on his bike, to combing his lustrous hair, to going through the yearbook with his pals and rating the chicks, The Ronz is always up to something rad.

Though he comes off as confident and unflappable, The Ronz has feelings, too. “Every year around late summer, I start to get bummed out,” he confessed in a rare moment of vulnerability. “That’s when all my friends are getting ready to leave for college. It’s tough finding a whole new crew each year. Sometimes I’ll get lucky and a few of my current friends’ younger brothers will form the core of my next friend group.”

However, until the current squad departs, Ronzie and the gang will surely enjoy some more twilight games of stickball, gas-huffing under the bleachers and big spaghetti dinners around Mr. and Mrs. M’s table.

Aging Punk’s Doomsday Prep Mostly Involves Backing Up MP3s to External Hard Drive

Posted on by Matt McInerney

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Bryce Horn is preparing for doomsday by backing up his collection of “rare” MP3s to an external hard drive amid fears of societal collapse, neighboring sources confirmed.

“This all started when I realized I couldn’t listen to Filmmaker or Tears of Avarel on Spotify. I had to figure out how to import local files. It wouldn’t work on my phone. It was a nightmare and a real wake-up call for me,” said Horn, as a progress bar reflected on his face. “It got me thinking: what if civilization crumbles and I can’t get to my Dropbox account? I started making backups right then and there. I know I can survive without food for a bit. I’ve skipped lunch at work a few times, but imagine going a whole day without listening to Wafflehouse*. I just don’t think I’d make it.”

Jayla Park, a longtime friend of Horn’s, is concerned about this behavior.

“We’re all a little worried about the world ending these days, but I’m more worried that Bryce’s response has been trying to find a Jazz drive on eBay. I’m not saying music isn’t important, but maybe he can add a few MREs to his cart too,” said Park. “I’m no prepper, but I believe in basic survival, like the generator I just bought. I thought it’d be for disasters, but living in Texas, I actually use it all the time. Honestly, Bryce does most of the file transferring here because his power goes out so much.”

Heath Farmer, who lives down the street from Horn, has been ready for the end for a long time.

“Sure, I’ve seen what he’s up to. I keep tabs on everyone around here. That’s actually my plan: I just keep a tally of my neighbors’ food supplies while I build my arsenal,” said Farmer, stroking a shotgun. “I kind of get it, wanting to save your favorite songs and stuff. I’ve got an old copy of ‘Twister’ on VHS in the bunker in case I ever get bored. I don’t think Bryce is going to make it long on just tunes, but I’ll give him this: he’s certainly the last neighbor I’ll be robbing blind.”

At press time, Horn was seen copying social media passwords from his iMac’s password manager into a notebook in case he lost power again.

40 Harry Potter Characters Ranked by How Likely They Formed a Black Metal Band and Burned Down a Church After Graduating From Hogwarts

Posted on by Trevor Graham

At first glance, the whimsical world of Harry Potter may not seem like a place that would produce fans of the early satanic Norwegian black metal scene bent on the destruction of Christianity. But there are some dark characters with disturbing worldviews in this cinematic universe – and we’re not just talking about J.K. Rowling. Here are the top 40 characters who would likely rather listen to Mayhem than that embarrassing Weird Sisters band that played the Yule Ball.

40. Cedric Diggory

Whatever the version of a right-leaning capitalist finance bro is in this world Cedric Diggory is certainly it. He’s also too dreamy and handsome to be into black metal. No way is he covering up that perfect bone structure in corpse paint and fake blood.

39. Ginny Weasley

Well, let’s see, did Harry Potter start a black metal band and burn down a church? No? Then this one-dimensional tagalong unflavored bowl of oatmeal of a character wouldn’t either.

38. Dolores Umbridge

I’m a little unclear what the magic world thinks of religion especially Christianity, but Umbridge is probably the closest thing to a self-righteous church lady. Everything about her oozes passive-aggressiveness and to be black metal you need to ooze aggressive-aggressiveness, and also jet black blood.

37. Fred and George Weasley

These two smarmy troublemakers don’t take anything seriously. They spend their time pulling pranks on school administrators and opened a store that’s basically a magical Spencer’s Gifts. If they started a band it would be a snotty pop-punk nightmare.

36. Fleur Delacour

A Frenchy French face whose name translates to “flower of the court.” I don’t really know what that means and I’m not saying she can’t be into black metal because she is French or named after a court flower but let’s be real here, the only thing she’s burning is the top of a Crème Brûlée.

35. Albus Dumbledore

He shuffles around in a bathrobe with his long beard and seems to be either unphased by anything or just totally out of it. This dude is into stoner metal, not black metal. Wouldn’t be surprised if he has a band in the multiverse with Gandolf, Merlin, and Orko from He-Man called Mountain Wizard or something.

34. Dudley Dursley

Chances seemed high for this muggle to turn into an agent for Beelzebub in his early years but then he showed up in the beginning of Order of the Phoenix wearing that shiny silver shirt like an extra from “Tokyo Drift” and it was obvious he had gotten into terrible hip hop and drops the word “bruv” in every sentence.

33. Barty Crouch Jr.

I mean he is definitely batshit enough to devote his life to Lucifer and he does that whole lizard tongue thing when he talks which would be a cool stage act thing but he spends most of his time pretending to be Mad Eye and it’s just too confusing to know who this guy actually is.

32. Susan Bones

Does anyone really remember her? She was either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. How do I know that? Because all of the non-memorable characters came from either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. Anyway, Susan Bones is a pretty dope name but really not black metal. Sounds more like she would be in a magic-themed Misfits cover band called The Wiz-Fits.

31. Quininus Quirrell

This guy is a weak-willed simp who does whatever the dark lord commands him to. He lets he-who-shall-not-be-named live on the back of his head and covers it up with an uncomfortable-looking turban and ends up a pile of ashes because Harry “I don’t understand anything about magic” Potter touched him. Something tells me if he were to burn down a church it would only be because some cool kids peer pressured him into it.

30. Cho Chang

Soft-spoken and a bit of an introvert with long black hair. Okay, good start. But she’s a bit of a lovelorn romantic who wears cardigan sweaters and probably Fluevogs. She is 100% shoegaze and with that Irish accent most likely a huge My Bloody Valentine fan.

29. Ron Weasley

After being the butt of the joke while living in the shadow of his popular friend Harry, Ron’s probably got a chip on his shoulder the size of a Norwegian Ridgeback. So it’s possible he could turn to the horrific soundtrack of black metal to escape his mediocre-dom. But as far as burning down a church goes, he’d probably try to use a spell and bungle it and instead conjure a bezoar or something.

28. Nymphadora Tonks

She has a takes-no-shit attitude and married a dude honestly way too old for her so I’m going to guess there are some unresolved issues with her father. She definitely has a Riot Grrl playlist but is decidedly not into black metal which, let’s be honest, can have some questionable misogynistic imagery.

27. Sybil Trelawney

What a surprise! Hippie-ass Dumbledore hires his hippie-ass friend to teach a divination class with dubious academic value. That said, when she had that premonition of Harry and Voldemort’s connection she did that cool thing with her voice which almost sounds like the guy from Cradle of Filth.

26. Newt Scamander

I’ll be honest, I don’t know who this is because I never saw any of those Fantastic Beasts movies. But just based on the way he’s dressed with his early century handsome Doctor Who vibes plus the fact his name is Newt I’m going with a hard no on this one.

25. Hermione Granger

The ultimate teacher’s pet who no doubt would remind them if they had forgotten to assign homework over the weekend. Although she may have a bit of a defiant streak in her and set fire to Snape’s robe she is too much of a rule follower to ever break the law by committing actual arson.

24. Gilderoy Lockhart

This bumbling tool with his perfect blonde hair is about as black metal as my aunt Connie. That said, after his memory charm backfires on him he’s basically a blank slate and could probably be convinced that burning down a church in Norway will help his book sales.

23. Remus Lupin

He might be a guy who would burn down a church but he also is a werewolf who forgets to take his wolfsbane potion on THE ONE NIGHT THERE IS A FULL MOON. So he’d probably miss the church burning because he forgot to put it in his iCal (or is it just called Calendar now?)

22. Hagrid

He’s a bulking bearded kind-hearted loner who loves dragons and lives alone. Even in a world filled with fantastical creatures and histrionic robe-wearing wizards, he seems like a bit of a dork. If he was into any kind of metal it would be something like Dream Theater or Blind Guardian.

21. Draco Malfoy

This spoiled little shit likes to cosplay as an evildoer but when it comes time to get his hands dirty and do the dark lord’s work he’s a sniveling coward. He seems more like a Nu-Metal aficionado anyway.

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MAGA Republican Wishes Green Day Would Keep Politics Out of “American Idiot”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local Donald Trump supporter Joel Grainston wished Green Day would keep politics out of their song “American Idiot” after singer Billie Joe Armstrong unexpectedly changed the lyrics during a New Year’s Eve performance, confirmed sources who demanded they redo the show with the correct words.

“Unbelievable. Next you’re going to tell me NWA’s ‘Fuck tha Police’ is an anti-cop song that speaks out against police brutality,” said Grainston without breaking eye contact with Fox News on his television while fully reclined in his chair. “I just wish the band would stick to what they do best and keep ‘American Idiot’ to whatever it was supposed to be about in the first place. Something about masturbation, right? In a perfect world, they would be more like Rage Against the Machine and remain neutral in the political landscape. At least I think so. They’re not on Truth Social so I can’t really confirm what they’re about one way or another.”

Fans of Green Day seemed extremely supportive of the lyric change.

“I just can’t get enough of media, music, and anyone with an internet connection telling Trump supporters what catastrophic imbeciles they are,” said longtime fan Emily Stansfield. “It’s like MAGA people can’t take being called an idiot by millionaires who haven’t had to think about money in decades anymore. If we are going to bring this country together, it’ll be by shaming the side I am diametrically opposed to. I wholeheartedly support Billie Joe changing the lyrics to make ‘American Idiot’ more on the nose, but I don’t think it went far enough. We need an updated ‘Basketcase’ too. Mainly because I have no clue what that one is about.”

Music historian Deborah Shanlinger documented other times musicians made updates to match current events.

“Artists have been changing the words to their songs for as long as politically driven tracks have been around,” said Shanlinger. “In fact, Woody Guthrie famously had the sticker on his guitar that read ‘This machine kills fascists.’ However, that message was thought to get lost on fans as fascism still existed afterward, so Woody would update the sticker before each show to name fascists individually. For instance, for his last performance, the sticker read: ‘This machine kills fascists named Greg in Accounting who just got divorced.’ Unfortunately, it only seemed to drive whoever Greg was into extremism though. You win some, you lose some, I guess.”

At press time, Grainston vowed to never listen to another Green Day album that came out after 2000 again despite never really doing that anyway.

20 Sunny Day Real Estate Songs to Listen to After Learning Your Friends Are Hanging Out Without You

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

Uh oh! You just opened Instagram and noticed all your friends are all in the same place and having a blast without you. Were you accidentally excluded due to your wallflower-like social demeanor or have you been being a dick in ways you haven’t realized? Either way, you’re going to be up thinking about this tonight, so why not try to force an epiphany with the only Seattle ’90s band that successfully captured the feeling of being swallowed alive by solitude (Harvey Danger came close), Sunny Day Real Estate! (Go listen to the playlist)

20. In Circles

Let’s get it out of the way. Second Wave Emo’s anthem about repetitive behavior. Nobody ever actually felt like they were living the same day on repeat until this song came out, and this probably isn’t the first time your friends went out without you! Try making a video of a dog chasing its own tail set to this song and send it to your friends that are out now to test the waters and see if you can get an impromptu invite cause it’s only getting sadder from here.

19. The Shark’s Own Private Fuck

Allegedly, this song is about Nate Mendel dipping from the band to join the Foo Fighters and then having a platform to say that AIDS patients are faking. Weird that you don’t hear about AIDS denial much anymore, I wonder why. Just asking, but you haven’t been telling your friends that you think AIDS patients are faking it right?

18. Grendel

This song starts with a lot of echoey distorted mumbling. Are you mumbling like in this song? Speak up! Life’s not a mid-record deep-cut emo track named after a classic English literature character. Make sure your friends hear you say how much you’d like to go axe throwing when you see them again but try to not sound mad about it.

17. Killed By An Angel

How nice! The rest of the band let Jeremy have the first track to go crazy with all the bible stuff he’s into and the result isn’t bad! Maybe the melding of Arena Rock and Emo isn’t perfect, but try being a little supportive if a friend mentions a project they’re working on even if it sounds bad, maybe you’re being a little too critical and people are tired of it.

16. Pillars

This is a good one to think about if anyone’s been trying to reach out but you haven’t noticed. Maybe if you did you’d be playing Time Crisis at the barcade and not starting to listen to a 25-year-old record you blasted when you didn’t get invited to parties in high school.

15. Rodeo Jones

Just like how the band was pretty much already broken up when they recorded “LP2” and peppered in some “Diary” B-sides like this to fill out the tracklist, your friends could just be done with you! On the brighter side though William Goldsmith absolutely is going full throttle on here.

14. Friday

A really quick but gut-punching meditation on losing love and watching the one that left thrive. If you’ve been harping on a lost flame for a while, maybe it’s time to ease up when going out for drinks after work. Chances are your friends are sick about hearing you still harp on a relationship that ended during Obama’s first term.

13. Lipton Witch

The most recent song that SDRE put out on a Record Store split with Circa Survive in 2014. A song heavy on the riffs that’s about keeping violent secrets in the distance in order to maintain power. Is that what your so-called friends are doing now? Who’s to say they’re not the ones that suck?

12. The Rising Tide

Here is a song about the inefficiency of hiding pain without actually doing any self-improvement. It’s a pretty hopeful ditty that rings out for a good minute at the end of the band’s last album. Would be cool to see them put out another record, but also would be cool if you could pull your weight at trivia.

11. Song About An Angel

A top-shelf selection for feeling like you’ve died already but somehow still exist. “Sometimes you see right through me” has to be the last thing I’d want to hear while looking at my friends eating a really good looking Bavarian Pretzel at a gastropub, but you probably need to.

10. Faces In Disguise

It’s the SDRE song that Paramore covered back in 2007! While she’s likely dealt with some fake friends, Hayley Williams doesn’t seem like the type of person to not get an invite to a hang, so I’m not sure how honestly she can cover this. On the other hand you should be reflecting if embodying the themes of this song by masking your emotions in social situations and coming off as irritable.

9. One

Oh wow, it looks like it’s late enough that the function just moved to karaoke. Looks like your friends are making friends with the other people going up and singing normal people music like “Don’t Stop Believin”? Objectively a much worse song than this beautifully lush reminder of how easy it is to numbly allow time to pass.

8. 5/4

The closest “LP2” gets to the cold sinking sadness of the rest of SDRE’s discography. Everyone’s favorites are here, twinkly guitars, broken promises, being alone, climbing something. Sometimes the classics just work well. You know what else people like? Being bought a beer every now and then after everyone else has treated the group.

7. Tearing In My Heart

Nothing like an opening minute-long field recording of the sound of children to remind you about the people you thought you were close to and how they might not feel the same way! Do you even want to have kids or is that something you feel your friends are pressuring you to be?

6. Every Shining Time You Arrive

This song sounds like it plays before credits hit at the end of a ’90s Edward Norton film where reunites with a girl at a bar. If you’re at a bar and constantly putting on music as a bit from a movie, I’m sure no one likes the bit.

5. 48

Big melancholy sad guitar track that takes a sharp left into an aggressive chorus before ramping back down. Someone once started playing this at work and I actually asked them to turn it off after a few because it made 2 p.m. on a Wednesday in the office feel too much like Fridays alone at 9 p.m. in high school. Don’t put shit like this on the group driving playlist.

4. Days Were Golden

Are you so uncomfortable being alone that you can’t spend one night by yourself? Try doing some journaling, try a little bit of self-reflection, but definitely don’t text all your friends saying “Thanks for the invite dickhead.”

3. Shadows

Sorry bud, but from the moment the somber intro drops, dark hell of isolation is taking you. No minute-long intro to get you ready for this one. Your friends are having the time of their lives without you and you’re listening to and listening to enigmatic visual descriptions of abandonment. They don’t do this one live too much, probably because it hits too hard.

2. Guitar and Video Games

“How does it feel when you run?” yeah try exercising there a little bud. If not for your own good physical and mental health, at least to entertain the thought you’re having about becoming noticeably more fit that your friends will regret not inviting you out.

1. Seven

Look up a video of William Goldsmith doing this song recently and see how wild this classic sounds now. Tell me that he’s not the MVP of Sunny Day and he got kicked out of the Foo Fighters. You’re not the problem, and neither are your friends, the Foo Fighters are.

Go listen to the playlist while your friends have a great time without you:

Local Bartender Using Same Three Adjectives to Describe Seventeen Different Beers

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local bartender Zack Kenton, 28, reportedly used the same three adjectives to describe at least seventeen of the bar’s signature beers, leading to confusion and frustration among bar patrons, buzzed sources confirmed.

“He went down the list of about seventeen IPAs like a disinterested robot. I came here to forget my troubles and this guy seems to want to add to them,” said SloshRocket patron Stephanie Gianetti. “He kept saying everything was ‘fruity, hoppy and super hazy.’ It didn’t matter if it was the ‘Funky Bunch Berry IPA’, the ‘Kitty Kwister Hazy IPA,’ the ‘Atomic Snow Shovel Local IPA,’ even the ‘Thaddeus Cromsheller Esq. Spotlight Ale.’ Every single one of them was fruity, hoppy and, apparently, super hazy. I was looking to drink something malty, or even slightly baroque.”

Even fixtures of the bar, like weekly trivia-night host Grant Sanders were not spared Kenton’s beverage-based descriptions.

“I never host without a drink in my hand,” said Sanders. “Last night, Zack told me that I should get the ‘Duck Fountain Hazy IPA.’ He told me – screamed at me really – that it was super hazy, but also fruity and hoppy. Then, I told him the equipment wasn’t working and he told me to shut my fat loser mouth. Which made me realize he does know some other adjectives, I don’t know why he limits himself so much.”

When reached for comment, Kenton himself stated that he was actually quite surprised at the confusion.

“Consistency’s always been a good thing,” Kenton said with a blank expression while wiping the same spot on the bar for minutes at a time. “We like making good beers, chill vibes and tasty atmosphere. Everything we brew in house is made of the freshest hops, the ripest fruit and then we just go crazy and make it hazy. Even the stouts. Here, you guys should try this one. It’s a new recipe called ‘Grandfather’s Gooch.’ You can’t go wrong slappin’ down a tall glass of Grampy Gooch.”

At press time, Kenton was seen flirting with a bachelorette party seated at the bar and taking a drink of his own preferred brew – Black Cherry White Claw, stating: “Beer actually kinda hurts my tummy.”