COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local bartender Zack Kenton, 28, reportedly used the same three adjectives to describe at least seventeen of the bar’s signature beers, leading to confusion and frustration among bar patrons, buzzed sources confirmed.
“He went down the list of about seventeen IPAs like a disinterested robot. I came here to forget my troubles and this guy seems to want to add to them,” said SloshRocket patron Stephanie Gianetti. “He kept saying everything was ‘fruity, hoppy and super hazy.’ It didn’t matter if it was the ‘Funky Bunch Berry IPA’, the ‘Kitty Kwister Hazy IPA,’ the ‘Atomic Snow Shovel Local IPA,’ even the ‘Thaddeus Cromsheller Esq. Spotlight Ale.’ Every single one of them was fruity, hoppy and, apparently, super hazy. I was looking to drink something malty, or even slightly baroque.”
Even fixtures of the bar, like weekly trivia-night host Grant Sanders were not spared Kenton’s beverage-based descriptions.
“I never host without a drink in my hand,” said Sanders. “Last night, Zack told me that I should get the ‘Duck Fountain Hazy IPA.’ He told me – screamed at me really – that it was super hazy, but also fruity and hoppy. Then, I told him the equipment wasn’t working and he told me to shut my fat loser mouth. Which made me realize he does know some other adjectives, I don’t know why he limits himself so much.”
When reached for comment, Kenton himself stated that he was actually quite surprised at the confusion.
“Consistency’s always been a good thing,” Kenton said with a blank expression while wiping the same spot on the bar for minutes at a time. “We like making good beers, chill vibes and tasty atmosphere. Everything we brew in house is made of the freshest hops, the ripest fruit and then we just go crazy and make it hazy. Even the stouts. Here, you guys should try this one. It’s a new recipe called ‘Grandfather’s Gooch.’ You can’t go wrong slappin’ down a tall glass of Grampy Gooch.”
At press time, Kenton was seen flirting with a bachelorette party seated at the bar and taking a drink of his own preferred brew – Black Cherry White Claw, stating: “Beer actually kinda hurts my tummy.”