Meet Andy “The Ronz” Ronzoni: Cheboygan, Minnesota’s coolest resident. He’s got slicked-back hair, rides a killer motorcycle and has a devil-may-care attitude. Sounds a little like a certain beloved TV greaser, doesn’t it? Well, the similarities don’t stop there. See, The Ronz, much like his leather-clad Happy Days counterpart, chills exclusively with high school kids!
Some people might be suspicious of the motives of an emotionally-stunted, unemployed 32 year old social outcast whose only friends are teenagers, but Ronzoni insists there’s nothing to worry about. The neighborhood kids love him. They rely upon his wisdom, guidance, and the beer and smokes he buys for them. If cool-as-ice Ronzie contends that it’s safer for the youth to party with him than with some creep, who are we to argue?
“The Ronz doesn’t work, and no one really knows what he does all day while we’re at school,” said pal and high school junior Flip McNair. “One time I came home and he was on the couch, watching NCIS reruns with my mom—or ‘Mrs. M’ as he calls her. It was kind of weird, but then he and I snuck some cigs out behind the garage, so that was cool.”
And just how does The Ronz get by without a job? Ronzoni receives disability checks due to a head injury from when tried to jump the Cheboygan Dam on his motorcycle. The Ronz doesn’t squander all that free time of his, though—he’s constantly honing his ineffable coolness. From wrenching on his bike, to combing his lustrous hair, to going through the yearbook with his pals and rating the chicks, The Ronz is always up to something rad.
Though he comes off as confident and unflappable, The Ronz has feelings, too. “Every year around late summer, I start to get bummed out,” he confessed in a rare moment of vulnerability. “That’s when all my friends are getting ready to leave for college. It’s tough finding a whole new crew each year. Sometimes I’ll get lucky and a few of my current friends’ younger brothers will form the core of my next friend group.”
However, until the current squad departs, Ronzie and the gang will surely enjoy some more twilight games of stickball, gas-huffing under the bleachers and big spaghetti dinners around Mr. and Mrs. M’s table.