Meet Andy “The Ronz” Ronzoni: Cheboygan, Minnesota’s coolest resident. He’s got slicked-back hair, rides a killer motorcycle and has a devil-may-care attitude. Sounds a little like a certain beloved TV greaser, doesn’t it? Well, the similarities don’t stop there. See, The Ronz, much like his leather-clad Happy Days counterpart, chills exclusively with high school kids!
Some people might be suspicious of the motives of an emotionally-stunted, unemployed 32 year old social outcast whose only friends are teenagers, but Ronzoni insists there’s nothing to worry about. The neighborhood kids love him. They rely upon his wisdom, guidance, and the beer and smokes he buys for them. If cool-as-ice Ronzie contends that it’s safer for the youth to party with him than with some creep, who are we to argue?
“The Ronz doesn’t work, and no one really knows what he does all day while we’re at school,” said pal and high school junior Flip McNair. “One time I came home and he was on the couch, watching NCIS reruns with my mom—or ‘Mrs. M’ as he calls her. It was kind of weird, but then he and I snuck some cigs out behind the garage, so that was cool.”
And just how does The Ronz get by without a job? Ronzoni receives disability checks due to a head injury from when tried to jump the Cheboygan Dam on his motorcycle. The Ronz doesn’t squander all that free time of his, though—he’s constantly honing his ineffable coolness. From wrenching on his bike, to combing his lustrous hair, to going through the yearbook with his pals and rating the chicks, The Ronz is always up to something rad.
Though he comes off as confident and unflappable, The Ronz has feelings, too. “Every year around late summer, I start to get bummed out,” he confessed in a rare moment of vulnerability. “That’s when all my friends are getting ready to leave for college. It’s tough finding a whole new crew each year. Sometimes I’ll get lucky and a few of my current friends’ younger brothers will form the core of my next friend group.”
However, until the current squad departs, Ronzie and the gang will surely enjoy some more twilight games of stickball, gas-huffing under the bleachers and big spaghetti dinners around Mr. and Mrs. M’s table.
Whatever the version of a right-leaning capitalist finance bro is in this world Cedric Diggory is certainly it. He’s also too dreamy and handsome to be into black metal. No way is he covering up that perfect bone structure in corpse paint and fake blood.
Well, let’s see, did Harry Potter start a black metal band and burn down a church? No? Then this one-dimensional tagalong unflavored bowl of oatmeal of a character wouldn’t either.
I’m a little unclear what the magic world thinks of religion especially Christianity, but Umbridge is probably the closest thing to a self-righteous church lady. Everything about her oozes passive-aggressiveness and to be black metal you need to ooze aggressive-aggressiveness, and also jet black blood.
These two smarmy troublemakers don’t take anything seriously. They spend their time pulling pranks on school administrators and opened a store that’s basically a magical Spencer’s Gifts. If they started a band it would be a snotty pop-punk nightmare.
A Frenchy French face whose name translates to “flower of the court.” I don’t really know what that means and I’m not saying she can’t be into black metal because she is French or named after a court flower but let’s be real here, the only thing she’s burning is the top of a Crème Brûlée.
He shuffles around in a bathrobe with his long beard and seems to be either unphased by anything or just totally out of it. This dude is into stoner metal, not black metal. Wouldn’t be surprised if he has a band in the multiverse with Gandolf, Merlin, and Orko from He-Man called Mountain Wizard or something.
Chances seemed high for this muggle to turn into an agent for Beelzebub in his early years but then he showed up in the beginning of Order of the Phoenix wearing that shiny silver shirt like an extra from “Tokyo Drift” and it was obvious he had gotten into terrible hip hop and drops the word “bruv” in every sentence.
I mean he is definitely batshit enough to devote his life to Lucifer and he does that whole lizard tongue thing when he talks which would be a cool stage act thing but he spends most of his time pretending to be Mad Eye and it’s just too confusing to know who this guy actually is.
Does anyone really remember her? She was either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. How do I know that? Because all of the non-memorable characters came from either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. Anyway, Susan Bones is a pretty dope name but really not black metal. Sounds more like she would be in a magic-themed Misfits cover band called The Wiz-Fits.
This guy is a weak-willed simp who does whatever the dark lord commands him to. He lets he-who-shall-not-be-named live on the back of his head and covers it up with an uncomfortable-looking turban and ends up a pile of ashes because Harry “I don’t understand anything about magic” Potter touched him. Something tells me if he were to burn down a church it would only be because some cool kids peer pressured him into it.
Soft-spoken and a bit of an introvert with long black hair. Okay, good start. But she’s a bit of a lovelorn romantic who wears cardigan sweaters and probably Fluevogs. She is 100% shoegaze and with that Irish accent most likely a huge My Bloody Valentine fan.
After being the butt of the joke while living in the shadow of his popular friend Harry, Ron’s probably got a chip on his shoulder the size of a Norwegian Ridgeback. So it’s possible he could turn to the horrific soundtrack of black metal to escape his mediocre-dom. But as far as burning down a church goes, he’d probably try to use a spell and bungle it and instead conjure a bezoar or something.
She has a takes-no-shit attitude and married a dude honestly way too old for her so I’m going to guess there are some unresolved issues with her father. She definitely has a Riot Grrl playlist but is decidedly not into black metal which, let’s be honest, can have some questionable misogynistic imagery.
What a surprise! Hippie-ass Dumbledore hires his hippie-ass friend to teach a divination class with dubious academic value. That said, when she had that premonition of Harry and Voldemort’s connection she did that cool thing with her voice which almost sounds like the guy from Cradle of Filth.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know who this is because I never saw any of those Fantastic Beasts movies. But just based on the way he’s dressed with his early century handsome Doctor Who vibes plus the fact his name is Newt I’m going with a hard no on this one.
The ultimate teacher’s pet who no doubt would remind them if they had forgotten to assign homework over the weekend. Although she may have a bit of a defiant streak in her and set fire to Snape’s robe she is too much of a rule follower to ever break the law by committing actual arson.
This bumbling tool with his perfect blonde hair is about as black metal as my aunt Connie. That said, after his memory charm backfires on him he’s basically a blank slate and could probably be convinced that burning down a church in Norway will help his book sales.
He might be a guy who would burn down a church but he also is a werewolf who forgets to take his wolfsbane potion on THE ONE NIGHT THERE IS A FULL MOON. So he’d probably miss the church burning because he forgot to put it in his iCal (or is it just called Calendar now?)
He’s a bulking bearded kind-hearted loner who loves dragons and lives alone. Even in a world filled with fantastical creatures and histrionic robe-wearing wizards, he seems like a bit of a dork. If he was into any kind of metal it would be something like Dream Theater or Blind Guardian.
This spoiled little shit likes to cosplay as an evildoer but when it comes time to get his hands dirty and do the dark lord’s work he’s a sniveling coward. He seems more like a Nu-Metal aficionado anyway.
