MOSCOW – Controversial conservative firebrand and ‘journalist’ Tucker Carlson was recently spotted in Moscow to conduct his annual performance review with his boss Vladimir Putin, Kremlin sources confirmed.
“Tucker did a lot of good work last year, but there’s a lot of room for improvement,” said Putin, Carlson’s employer and President of Russia during a debrief after the review. “He’s done a great job undermining American democracy and parroting the talking points we give him. We love that. We’re really big fans of how he blatantly lies to Americans constantly, that’s like our whole thing here. The big problem we have is that we think little Tucker might be making it too obvious that he works for us, even Trump is better at hiding it than him. Also, we want baby boy Tucker to go back to wearing a bowtie, it helps him look like more of a smug douche.”
The scrunch-faced former Fox News host also worked on solidifying his goals for the coming year working for Russia.
“If I can just get one American not to vote, it will all be worth it,” said Carlson from a small cell while he awaited further instructions. “In 2024 I’ll be focusing on making my lies more believable, first and foremost. People are starting to catch on that I just make everything up, I even took improv classes to help me stay sharp, but I feel like the people at UCB might have ripped me off a bit. I also will work on appealing to non-virgins under the age of seventy. Finally I will commit more time to training so I can finally learn Excel and basic interpersonal skills.”
Not all of Putin’s employees had such an easy time in their performance review.
“Wow he really raked me over the coals,” said Rudy Giuliani while wiping black sweat off his forehead. “Apparently I’m neither popular nor trustworthy enough to effectively promote Russian propaganda anymore, so they’re giving me a pay decrease. He said he wasn’t mad, just disappointed, that I wasn’t able to convince anyone with a double-digit IQ that the election was stolen. But I could tell he was mad. I tried to apologize but he wouldn’t hear it. I think I can smooth things over with him with a nice meeting at the Four Seasons, though.”
At press time, Carlson was allowed to visit a room where all the secret intelligence that was sold to Russia during the Trump presidency was on display.
Photo by Gage Skidmore.