WASHINGTON – Officials at the Supreme Court announced their decision on whether or not Donald Trump should be allowed on the 2024 ballot hinges on whether or not their agreed-upon bribes clear on time.
“Gosh, my wallet sure is feeling light and my gavel is feeling really heavy,” said Associate Justice Clarence Thomas. “It would be a shame if I wasn’t able to get that new yacht I was looking forward to purchasing next year. Ginny needs a place to host her little Q meetings and we’d really like to do it all out in international waters. But if we can’t afford the yacht then I might need to find a better sugar daddy who can take care of me and my wife’s needs at the same time. This isn’t rocket science people.”
Trump’s lawyer argued that the justices were potentially failing to see the bigger picture here.
“If Trump isn’t allowed on the ballot because one bribe was late then these Justices are missing the bigger picture,” argued Trump lawyer Jonathan Mitchell. “The amount of cash they will rake in to overturn EPA protections during the second Trump term will be way more valuable to them than the one-time $130,000 payment that my bank assures me will clear any second now. It’s not Trump’s fault that he raped E. Jean Carroll in the ’80s and now owes her $88 million. So yeah, money is a little tight right now, but if you let Trump run again, you are well on your way to having whatever you want, be it money, Ivanka, or the entire state of North Carolina. You’ll be rewarded handsomely.”
Supreme Court historian Gloria Lightfoot went into detail about how corruption like this in America’s highest court is actually pretty old.
“The whole institution was built on bribes,” said Lightfoot. “For example, the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Jay was nicknamed John ‘Handy J’ Jay because he was known for accepting hand jobs as a form of payment for favorable rulings. Chief Justice John Marshall would rule in favor of whichever lawyer brought in the fattest pig and Earl Warren would do whatever lawyers wanted him to do as long as they bought him a lap dance from his favorite exotic dancers. Sometimes the only ‘originalist’ position in this court is whoever has the most original bribe idea.”
At press time, it was reported that Trump was searching for a new set of lawyers after none of their payments came through in time.
Photo by Fred Schilling, Collection of the Supreme Court of the United States