15. Fozzie Bear
If you look at Fozzie’s early career it’s hard to imagine him rubbing elbows with the likes of Jeffery Epstein. These days however he can frequently be seen hanging around the infamous table at The Comedy Cellar pal’ing around with Dave Chappelle and Louis C.K. The story goes that C.K. introduced Fozzie to his longtime hero Woody Allen after the bear publicly defended C.K. when his scandal first broke. Allen escorted Fozzie to Epstein’s island so frequently a happy ending became known as a “Waka waka” among the masseuse staff.
14. Floyd Pepper
Floyd Pepper’s questionable conduct with Electric Mayhem groupies was legendary—we’ve all heard the fish in a bottle story. Given his notorious lust for life, it’s hard to believe his alibi that he only frequented the island to do solo gigs. Why would Jeffery Epstein book a bassist?
13. Clifford
From his humble beginnings as the bass player for Solid Foam on “The Jim Henson Hour,” Clifford rose all the way to hosting “Muppets Tonight” in 1996. His meteoric rise sort of fizzled out after that. Allegedly it was concerns over his personal life that cut his role in the troupe. Kermit knew well enough not to put a Ghislaine Maxwell party regular front and center.
12. Rizzo the Rat
Gonzo used his connection to get Rizzo a job on Epstein’s island, a position he allegedly used to gather blackmail assets on Epstein’s most elite friends. He did quite well for himself, but he’s still on the run.
11. Lew Zealand
Come on, you remember Lew Zealand right? You know, from season 3 of the original Muppets Show? The boomerang fish guy! Yeah, see, you remember. Well anyway, he’s a pedo.
10. Lips
Surprised? Dude’s name is “Lips.”
9. Statler and Waldorf
Okay, yes, they flew on that plane a LOT, but by all accounts, they were truly, honestly just there to heckle and did not take part in anything unsavory. A typical exchange would go as follows:
STATLER: Say, look up there in first class, it’s that Malcolm Gladwell fella!
WALDORF: You mean the guy who wrote that book “The Tipping Point?”
STATLER: That’s the one!
WALDORF: What the heck is the tipping point anyway?
STATLER: For him? About 11 years old!
STATLER AND WALDORF: Oh ho ho ho ho ho! ”
8. The Swedish Chef
This one comes as a big shock, unless of course you speak Swedish Gibberish and realize the chef has been boasting about his depravity right in front of our faces this whole time. “Ger ber sherv de mer te berve” translates to “I have a sexual predilection so unsavory you should shoot me on sight.”
7. Link Hogthrob
To no one’s surprise, the star of Pigs in space is something of a pig.
6. Scooter
Scooter started out as a glorified gofer on the original Muppet Show, a position he secured and exploited through nepotism as his uncle owned the theater. While his on-camera persona became more congenial over time, behind-the-scenes Scooter only became more conniving and machiavellian. He would frequently brag about doing cocaine at work, knowing his family connections made him immune to repercussions, and he had a rotating cast of female companions many felt were inappropriately young. When Epstein was first arrested Scooter tried to hang himself, but he accidentally used a rubber chicken. He is still awaiting trial.
5. Kermit the Frog
Friends and colleagues started noticing a change in Kermit when he started hanging out with Bill Clinton. Kermit had always been a progressive liberal, but he seemed to start skewing more neo-lib. He would start going on little diatribes about things like “proximity to power” and “the appetites of the elite.” He started blowing off meetings he felt were beneath him or ducking out of rehearsals early, saying he was “going across the pond to meet all the new tadpoles” with a sinister smirk.
4. Sam the Eagle
Well well well, if it isn’t Mr. Law and Order himself. Methinks the eagle doth protest too much, no? Like all true conservatives, Sam the Eagle’s self-righteous authoritarianism is nothing but a smoke screen hiding a sinister double life. That’s right, Sammy likes ’em just hatched.
3. Camilla the Chicken
Gonzo’s girlfriend, a chicken he very clearly has a sexual relationship with on a children’s show that we are all fine with for some reason, frequently traveled on the Lolita Express, but it’s not her fault. It made very clear that Camilla does not have agency or sentient though, and is not anthropomorphic in any way. She is a chicken with the brain of a chicken and Gonzo is dating her and that’s FINE.
2. Gonzo
Yeah, we know, this is a real bombshell revelation for you but it turns out the guy who openly has sexual relationships with chickens on a kid’s show is kind of a slimeball! Gonzo is the only muppet who still has about 50,000 frequent flier miles from the Lolita Express. He even tried to redeem them as recently as a month ago, and when the airline started explaining why that wasn’t a thing anymore he just raised his hand dismissively and said “Okay, fine, whatever, Thailand.”
1. Robin the Frog
Repeatedly trafficked.
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