WASHINGTON DC. Bodyguard Jack Hershaw is being hailed as a hero for leaping in front of Senate hopeful Bob Russell to block an endorsement from JD Vance.
“I saw the endorsement coming and the training just kicked in,” said Hershaw, who is currently being kept in hospital for observation to see if getting hit with the endorsement will cause him to become a big, stupid, fucking loser. “It all happened so fast, but I saw JD Vance coming, and in that moment, I had to make a split-second decision. Luckily for Mr Russel, I decided to put myself between him and the potentially career-ending endorsement from Vance.”
Other victims of JD Vance’s endorsements praised the heroism of Hershaw, as they themselves hadn’t been so lucky when the endorsements started flying.
“It ruined me,” said Viktor Orban, an unemployed former Prime Minister who is still recovering from the endorsement. “I was in power for 16 years, but that all ended in an instant when I was on stage and in front of thousands of people, a JD Vance endorsement hit me right in the polling numbers. You never expect something like that to happen, and when it does its hard to pick up the pieces afterwards. My wife had to sit my children down and say, ‘Daddy won’t be the autocrat of this country anymore.’ She had to tell them the bribes and the backhanders were stopping, and it was all because of a single JD Vance endorsement. To be fair, my children are all adults, so they should be aware of these events anyway, but you get my point.”
Hershaw’s brave actions have brought to light the dangers of a JD Vance endorsement in the political sphere.
“This is a brand new weapon,” said political scientist Demi Adebayo, an expert on lethal endorsements and their effects on candidates. “We’ve seen poisonous endorsements in the past, and in recent years, a Donald Trump endorsement can be fatal for a campaign 50% of the time. But with a JD Vance endorsement, the fatality rate for campaigns is like nothing we’ve ever witnessed.”
On a Truth Social post, Trump has called Hershaw a sad loser and denied plans to have JD Vance endorse democratic candidates in the upcoming midterm elections.
