Review: Yeah Yeah Yeahs “Cool It Down”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

New York indie rock pioneers Yeah Yeah Yeahs are back with a new studio album titled “Cool It Down” which will be their first record in nearly 10 years.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs burst onto the scene in the mid-2000s. Not much was known about them at first except that they formed in New York City. And you know what they say. NYC is the greatest city in the world. I would know firsthand as someone who’s lived here for almost an entire three months.

Sure, I may have never actually set foot in an international metropolitan area before for comparison, but I can assure you that this city is the greatest one on Earth. Except of course for Times Square. If you ever visit here, absolutely do not go to that tourist trap.

So, to recap, New York is the greatest city, not counting that one place with all the huge TV screens yelling at you. Also, not counting the 15-block radius surrounding Times Square obviously. Well, that and Staten Island. Can’t forget that one. While we’re at it, throw out 75% of Queens too. Also, the Bronx. That’s where the Yankees play. Go Mets!

The Statue of Liberty and Rockefeller Center can indefensibly go fuck themselves too. Not to mention the Empire State Building, Flatiron Building, and One World Trade Center. Just avoid tall buildings in general. Never know when an air conditioner is going to fall out a window and instantly kill you.

Also, stay clear of all apartments. They’re inherently cramped and infested with cockroaches, rats, and bed bugs. Public places are a no-go too. They’re flat out dirty as hell.

Did I miss anything? Oh, avoid most of Brooklyn. It used to be cool but it’s gotten gentrified ever since I moved there six weeks ago. Can you believe apartments used to cost as little as $4,000 a month in Bushwick before those good-for-nothing gentrifiers moved in? Now I can barely afford brunch using my parents’ credit card. Soon I’ll be displaced from my loft and be forced to relocate to Manhattan proper. Ugh!

Anyway, besides those places, New York is clearly the greatest city in the world. It’s got everything you could possibly want, like restaurants, bars, and at least one park. You know, stuff other cities don’t have.

In conclusion, the Big Apple spawned the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, so that’s one thing it’s got going for it.

Score: 10 out of 10 pizza slices folded symmetrically in half.

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Record Store Celebrates Millionth Customer to Look Around a Bit Then Leave

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

MILWAUKEE — Employees at the Stacked Rack record store joyously celebrated their millionth customer to come in, look around for a bit, and then leave without buying anything, several excited sources confirm.

“This is a dream come true for us,” said owner Kellan Copley while wiping tears from his eyes. “When I first opened this store eight years ago, I never thought we’d make it to our millionth person to stare blankly at a record before putting it back in the wrong spot and then quickly leave the store without making eye contact with anyone. But look at us now! We can’t wait to continue re-organizing our inventory for the next million visitors who have absolutely no intention of making a purchase.”

Eyewitnesses report that Logan Peterson, the millionth customer, wandered around the shop for nearly 15 minutes, displaced nine different albums in the process, and even spilled some coffee on the floor.

“I guess that’s pretty cool. I figured I’d just stop in while my girlfriend is getting her hair cut,” said Peterson while gesturing towards a copy of ‘Peace Sells… but Who’s Buying?’ that is now sitting in the Folk section. “I felt kind of awkward because I was the only guy in there and the clerk up front asked if he could help me find anything nearly a dozen times. I don’t even own a record player, I was sort of hoping they would have a used DVD section or something. I just carried around a few records I thought were cool until I got the text that my girlfriend was ready to go.”

Local consumer expert Liza Berryman weighed in on the importance of the event, claiming it to be a huge milestone for music retailers across the country.

“Although brick and mortar stores are struggling, it’s inspiring to see that the little guys can still draw eyeballs on their products before people buy them on Amazon instead,” said Berryman. “It’s not just the big chains getting their stuff browsed and unbought, mom and pop shops can be ignored too! These people aren’t just walking in asking ‘do you have a bathroom I can use?’ So I have no doubt in my mind that this exposure will encourage more people to visit their local record store with open hearts and empty checkout bags.”

At press time, the Stacked Rack has not successfully sold any records since the celebration despite being well into the third week of their going-out-of-business sale.

Just Because I Support This Farmer’s Market Doesn’t Mean I Expect To Pay Full Price

Posted on by Doug Kolic

There’s nothing like getting up early on a Saturday and heading over to this Farmer’s Market that I’ve always supported. But if these vendors expect me to pay full price, I’m gonna lose my shit!

Most of these growers have deep connections to the land that dates back generations, or they’re hard-working immigrants who put their blood, sweat, and tears into providing us with healthy, sustainable food. But thirty dollars for a jar of honey? I better be on a hidden prank show right now because I could buy an eight-pack from Costco for half that price.

I’ll give you ten bucks but you have to throw in some of this organic coconut oil – my rescue cats love it. These places would never survive without people like me. I literally post hundreds of selfies every week when I’m here. Free advertising, you’re welcome!

If you farmers expect me to pay $15 for eggs they better be Goop-approved and double as a sexual aid. Sure they’re delicious and locally sourced, but we don’t want the health inspector getting an anonymous/bogus complaint about a salmonella outbreak, do we? Let’s work together so that doesn’t happen again! I’ll give you five bucks, final offer.

I’m actually not just a shopper anymore, I’m a merchant too! I got inspired to create jewelry after buying amazing items here from a Bolivian artist named Sofia, who graciously took me under her wings and taught me how to make my own stuff!

In exchange, I gave her tips I learned watching Shark Tank, like the importance of having the right price point otherwise you’ll be undercut by your competitors and forced out of business, both things which ironically happened to her because of me.

Looks like I have some interested customers checking out bracelets. Nothing makes me happier than talking to people who appreciate the craftsmanship that went into making these little pieces of art.

But if any of these assholes try to haggle with me again, I’ll burn this entire place to the ground!
Remember, support local!

Umlaut Unnecessary

Posted on by Tyler Roland

FRANKENMUTH, Mich. — Local grindcore band Ültimate Castration came under fire for adding a completely unnecessary umlaut over the ‘u’ in its name, an addition that does not serve any linguistic function.

“Before they added it, they were just a kickass local band that I let crash at my place once or twice,” said former friend of the band Jens Stevenson, of the uncalled-for umlaut addition to the name. “But now they’re way too serious, and those dots are the icing on the cake. They think that the umlaut will cement their supposed status as heir to the Assück throne. Now I can’t even look them up without using a goddamn alt code, not that I would ever need or want to.”

Lead singer Justin Merlman maintains that the umlaut adds untold value to the band.

“Yeah, man, all of these legendary bands have those little dots, whatever the fuck they’re called, in their names,” Merlman explained. “Tørsö, Leftöver Crack…that’s the real deal right there. We’re just following in their footsteps with this little upgrade. Plus it adds credibility, like how they say a teardrop tattoo means you killed someone. It represents something more than the dots. I don’t give a fuck what they’re supposed to do for pronunciation.”

Band name analyst Sadie Smith confirmed that this incorrect umlaut usage is not an isolated case.

“I’ve spent the last few weeks looking through band name registries, and the results are grim,” Smith disclosed. “There’s been a huge uptick in bands adding umlauts for purely aesthetic reasons. Hell, there’s even a group out there named Umlaut!, which I guess is actually preferred, in my opinion. Just because you’re putting two dots over an ‘o’ in your name doesn’t mean you’re the next Motörhead.”

At time of press, Ültimate Castration’s drummer suggested that the band “add whatever that little curly shit French people use” underneath the ‘c’ in their name instead.

Paul Rudd Reveals Secret to Eternal Youth Is Diet, Exercise, Not Having 60 Hour a Week Soul-Crushing Job

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — Notoriously youthful megastar Paul Rudd recently stated his youthful appearance is the result of self-care, genetics, and not spending all day every day working a pointless, mind-numbing soul-crushing job.

“Sitting at a desk answering emails that don’t matter and logging into meetings about nothing will really age a person,” Rudd commented en route to the official Marvel day spa for a day of mud masks and laser hair treatments. “But the truth is with a little effort, anyone can keep their skin wrinkle-free. It all comes down to eating right, hitting the gym, and getting paid $20 million to be camera-ready instead of dealing with crap like being on the phone with the offsite consultant for your entire lunch break because your calendar is already full of meetings the rest of the day.”

Rudd’s entourage of personal trainers, dieticians, and assistants unanimously agreed their respective positions on his team helped retain his looks.

“Working out instead of circling back to pinging coworkers will always help retain that boyish appearance; but helping a movie star maintain said appearance does not retain one’s own youthful glow,” added fitness expert Richard Louis. “Much like some kind of charismatic, youth-sucking vampire, working for Paul Rudd has aged me so much that I now look like I’m 53… and I’m only 33.”

Biologist Dr. Jennifer Marks confirmed Rudd’s assumption through her own extensive research.

“A daily routine of skin care and healthy lifestyle combined with a team of assistants running every second of one’s life in place of gradually rotting into a living corpse in a windowless cubicle from the time you wake up until the time you have to start getting ready to go to sleep is certainly the recipe for immortality,” Marks stated. “Humans need sunlight, so if you go into your underpaid underappreciated torturous slog before the sun comes up, then leave after the sunsets, all while working under fluorescent lighting, well, you’re in trouble.”

At press time, an investigative reporter had presented evidence that Rudd’s looks are not the result of genetics and a life of leisure, but instead due to the cursed portrait in his attic.

Guy In Mastodon Shirt Can’t Even Name Three Pleistocene Migration Routes

Posted on by Zach Hudson

NEW YORK — Local metalhead Mark Calhoune confidently wore a Mastodon shirt to the Museum of Natural History despite not being able to name a single Pleistocene migration pattern, confirmed museum staff who wish they could enforce a “no posers” policy.

“Look, I just wanted to take my kids to the museum, and this was the only clean shirt in my drawer. I didn’t realize it would upset so many people,” said Calhoune, who was pressing a large picture book to his chest so his family could browse the gift shop in peace. “No, I can’t name a single migration route, I can’t tell you what they ate, and I can’t tell you what their natural predators were, ok? I just want everyone to leave me alone. I promised my kids we could spend the whole day here but I don’t know how much more I can take. If one more dork comes up to me and asks about the closest living relative to the Mastodon I’m going to lose my mind.”

Calhoune reports that he has been approached by several people wanting to discuss fossil records, and speculate on what drove the massive creatures to extinction, including museum staff member Jeffery Hall.

“It’s not often that I get the opportunity to talk to a guest who’s genuinely interested in learning more than just the baseline information about the mighty mastodon, so when I saw his shirt I got excited,” said Hall. “But turns out he’s just another run-of-the-mill poser. I mean come on, this guy didn’t even know the genus that mastodons belong to. That’s like the first thing they teach you in Paleontology school. You can’t wear that shirt and then get mad when people call you out for turning what’s a lifestyle for some of us into an ironic fashion statement.”

Mastodon’s guitarist/vocalist Brent Hinds says this is not the first time a fan of his band has been harassed for their lack of knowledge.

“If I could give one piece of advice to all the Mastodon fans out there it would be: make sure you wear our merch around like-minded metalheads,” said Hinds. “To this day we get people coming to our shows who think it’s some sort of pop-up fossil exhibit. We just thought it was a cool name. I know nothing about the creatures other than that they look like they were pretty badass. People will try and gatekeep anything, even an animal that went extinct millions of years ago.”

At press time, sources reported that Calhoune had gone to the car to change into a different shirt, but was now being approached by museum attendees and staff wanting to talk about Primitive Man.

How To Weaponize 1990s Nostalgia

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Few forces in this world are more powerful than nostalgia. When wielded correctly, this incredible emotion can be used to unify entire generations — or to tear them apart.

If you’re keen to cause chaos among a crowd of millennials, here are some talking points on how to weaponize nostalgia from arguably its most potent decade: the 1990s.

Rugrats
Ask why they never once mentioned the 1991 fall of the Soviet Union, which took place while season 1 was airing. I thought Tommy Pickles was a bright, geopolitically informed baby, but his silence on the matter makes one question his moral compass.

Beanie Babies
If someone brings up that they still have a collection of Beanie Babies in their parent’s attic, remind them they are absolutely worthless these days, just like a college education. Stop saving stuffed animals like you’re a dorky Steve Urkel and learn to weld like Tim “The Toolman” Taylor!

Seinfeld
Ask if anyone knows what the guy who played Cosmo Kramer is up to these days. Or the 17-year-old Jerry Seinfeld dated in the ’90s when he was 39, for that matter. Maybe they can fill you in!

Pogs
Collectible fads are directly responsible for the consumerist culture that plagues America today. Then it was overpriced milk caps, now it’s oat milk lattes, meditation crystals, and designer dogs. Gen X would never waste their money like that!

Clarissa Explains It All
Oh, she does? Well here’s one glaring omission: Critical Race Theory. More like ‘Clarissa Only Explains What Viacom Feels Fragile White Viewers Want To Hear’!

Snacks
Anytime a friend mentions Dunkarooos, Gushers or Hi-C Ecto Cooler, remind them of the product’s culpability in the sugar industrial complex, the obesity epidemic and the rise of diabetes.

Super Soakers
Gun violence.

JNCO
Whenever you see a Gen Zer wearing them, let them know your cousin wore a pair to Woodstock ‘99. Also mention that he’s still serving time for arson after setting fire to multiple merch booths while Limp Bizkit was playing “Nookie.”

OJ Simpson
Remind everyone about the NFL’s continued disregard for player safety and the risk of CTE. Oh, plus he murdered people!

What the Fuck: This Woman’s Carfax Report Includes Time Spent Cry-screaming to Florence + the Machine

Posted on by Tracy Kellett

Just to be clear, I’m kind of a sad person. Not like a mildly pessimistic, “Mitch McConnell droopy-drawls” kind of sad, but like a “my life is a tear-stained pillow case from which I can find no joyful reprieve yet am forced to rest my weary head upon every night” kind of sad. That being said, wasn’t prepared for what I came across while shopping for a reasonably priced used vehicle: a Carfax report that actually included, down to the seconds, how much time its previous owner spent cry-screaming to Florence + the Machine.

Like any other millennial just waiting for the big sleep to take me, I typically gloss over Carfax reports pretending I know what I’m looking at: accident and service history, odometer reading, title standing (whatever the fuck that means), and at first, this 2011 Honda Civic seemed too good to be true.

It had only ever been owned by one woman, had extremely low mileage, zero collisions, and was cried inside of by the owner 482 hours, 17 minutes and 36 seconds, specifically while listening to Florence + the Machine. No wonder she couldn’t unload this lemon.

Still, what the fuck Carfax! That’s a little intrusive, don’t you think? How did you even get this information to begin with, was it volunteered? Was she under duress? Personally, I don’t think the amount of time I’ve spent crying to a guilty pleasure band isn’t even something I should know, let alone a stranger considering buying my car.

482 hours comes to over 20 straight days of losing her goddamn mind, but given the car’s impressively low mileage her daily commute couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes round trip. What could possibly go so wrong that an adult woman would seemingly fall apart every single day for years in a vehicle intended for children just getting their learner’s permits?

I’m not trying to sound insensitive. I totally understand crying over a break-up. Hell, I’ve committed serial arson throughout Chattanooga over an ex serving me a poorly poached egg. But cry-screaming for 482 hours? To Florence + the Machine?! That’s excessive.

As great of a deal as this car is, there’s just no way I could ever see myself committed to something with this much baggage. I just pray this woman gets the help she so desperately needs, or at least better cry music.

Report: Most Turtles Get Straws Stuck Up Nose While Attempting to Do Cocaine

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SYDNEY — An enlightening new study from researchers at The University of Sydney found that the majority of sea turtles get straws stuck up their noses while attempting to consume rails of cocaine.

“All this time we thought the straws getting stuck up turtle noses was because the plastics industry kept pushing all these ecologically unfriendly products onto consumers,” said marine biologist Dr. Heather Stroud. “It turns out that the main thing being pushed onto turtles was cocaine and lots of it. Finding Nemo was pretty accurate in showing them as radical surfer dudes because these turtles are rad as hell. The issue is they don’t have hands to grasp the coke straws with so they get stuck. I imagine this evolutionary pressure might lead to future hand development. At which point they can switch to using a coke pinky.”

Sydney resident Erin Nelson was not as excited to find out about these powder-snorting Testudines.

“I just can’t believe we’ve been letting these coked-up drug addicts occupy our beaches for this long. I used to bring my children to the beach to watch the turtles hatch and make their way to the ocean, if I had known those baby turtles would grow up to be coke heads then I would have been rooting for the birds to eat them,” said Nelson. “It’s time for the government to stop spending money on all these endangered species protections, and to get tough on these teenage methhead Narcan turtles!”

Environmentalist advocates feel that most people are misunderstanding the issue here.

“These turtles are clearly suffering from their drug issues and we need to help them, not punish them,” said activist Keith Wright. “Whether it’s straws or random bags of cocaine that gets flushed down the toilet which the turtles then find, ultimately it’s our fault they’re addicted. Perhaps we should offer rehabilitation and counseling before further crowding our aquariums with more turtles. Granted I’m not sure how to rehab a turtle exactly. Perhaps a 12 strokes program because turtles swim rather than take steps? Look I’m kind of stumped for answers here, I didn’t wake up today expecting to learn that these cute sea creatures were actually huge drug users.”

A follow-up study of turtle narcotic consumption shows the animals were unable to do heroin because the plastic spoons were total shit at heating up the drugs.

Demon Begs Priest to Exorcise Him From Crust Punk’s Body

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Abaddon the Destroyer, an immortal demon from the deepest depths of hell, begged an exorcist to free him from the body of the crust punk he regrettably possessed late last week, sources within the Catholic Church have confirmed.

“Whilst searching for a vessel to possess and use to commit blasphemous deeds for my own bemusement, I have become entrapped in the decrepit flesh prison of a creature known only as ‘Pickle.’ I’m accustomed to inhabiting the hearts and minds of the helpless humans, not one who inhales paint to pass the time,” said the demon from inside his flesh prison. “I had little choice but to do the unthinkable and reach out to a man of the cloth to free me from this torment. I would rather suffer the indignity of succumbing to the power of Christ than eat another Subway sandwich out of a dumpster.”

Experience exorcist Father Steven Brown ascertained quickly that this would be not ordinary demonic expulsion.

“Never in my years have I seen a soul in such terrible shape. She was sickly and pale, unbathed for weeks, and squatting in an abandoned Sears. And that was before I realized she was possessed. But when the demon spoke through her and pleaded with me to banish him to eternal hellfire, I figured this would be a cakewalk. That was of course before Pickle came to and tried to stab me with a pair of scissors,” said Father Brown. “Brandishing the cross and holy water wasn’t working, and it was hard to pray with Leftöver Crack blaring so loudly. At one point Abaddon said he’d even apologize to God to get him out of here, which would be a huge win if I could just get her to stand still for five minutes.”

The Vatican has been keeping a close eye on the situation, as the events unfolding are nearly unprecedented.

“This is the first time in the church’s 2000-year history that an ally of Satan himself has asked for our assistance, but not the first time has agreed to ‘plea out’ so to speak. Some of these harbingers of sin get in over their heads, and we’re more than happy to oblige to return them to whence they came,” said Cardinal Jozef Franco. “Just last week we exorcised a demon trapped in the body of a man who only drank kombucha. However, we are concerned about what Father Brown is dealing with, as it’s disturbingly reminiscent of our failed attempts to cleanse Danzig.”

As of press time, Father Brown was able to successfully free Abaddon, only to call for help once again after being trapped in the body of a child of anti-vaxxers.