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Well “Gangster of Love” is Taken, So I Guess I’ll Be “The Criminal of Sex”

It’s no secret that the right moniker can make or break an aspiring musician. Eric Clapton used to be a nobody, but one day they started calling him “Slow Hand” and now he’s one of the most successful songwriters/anti-vaxxers of all time. Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, Elvis “The King” Presley, Roger “Aging Poorly” Waters, the list goes on! Unfortunately, when I landed on the absolute perfect nickname to give myself, I realized Steve Miller had already taken it.

“The Gangster of Love” sums up everything I’m about! I’m a bad boy with a heart of gold and the voice to match, baby. I can’t just up and rebrand myself so I’ll just have to find something that carries the same message. Something like… oh I know! The Criminal of Sex!

Now that I say it out loud, “criminal of sex” might be even better than “gangster of love!” It’s like it says “Baby, when you consent to love-making with me, it will be so good that it should be illegal.” Plus it avoids the word “gangster,” which would make me sound kind of shady.

I’m a happily married man of course, but let’s face it, I stand a better chance of making it in the music business if people think I’m available.

I’m blasting it out on my socials right now. This is going to be huge for me! Yes sir, all the teeny-boppers are gonna go wild when they find out the Criminal of Sex is coming to their town!

I’m feeling really confident about this choice. What could go wrong?

The key is you want to present yourself as a little bit dangerous but without going so far over the line that you alienate people. I feel like combining the words “criminal” and “sex” achieves this perfectly. “Criminal” makes you think danger but then “sex” is like a nice thing that makes people happy. Perfect balance.

Now all I need are a few catchphrases to flush out this persona. “It’s sex crime time!” That one is obvious, number one with a bullet. “Time to steal some love,” that’s pretty good. “There are no laws when I make love,” hell yeah, solid.

Wow, this new name must be working already! The booker at the venue I’m playing this Friday just texted me saying he’s been getting a ton of messages about me and to call him ASAP. He probably wants to put me in the main room!