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Band Practice Derailed After Older Brother Hooks Up N64 in Basement

GRANVILLE, Ohio — Pop punk band Silver Glitter’s weeknight rehearsal was cut short when the drummer’s older brother hooked up a Nintendo 64 in the basement, confirmed sources in the middle of a “Goldeneye” tournament.

“I was trying to teach everyone the new song, but as soon as Nick came downstairs with that green translucent retro console with the three multicolored wires in the back, I knew it was over,” stated singer Mike Brannon while frantically looking up how to kneel in the game. “I was hoping we’d just play for a few minutes, but he also has ‘Perfect Dark,’ so I’m pretty sure this entire day is gonna be a bust. We have a show in less than a week that we are tragically unprepared for, though. So if I don’t at least get a few solid kills I’m gonna be fucking pissed.”

Sam Perth, the drummer of Silver Glitter, attempted to sell playing N64 as a team-building exercise.

“Part of being a band is collaborating, working together, and bonding, so playing games together is actually helping us,” Perth explained, despite knowing it makes no sense. “I fire this rocket launcher at you now, and when we’re on stage we’ll have developed a hive-mind-ESP-type-thing and play tighter. That’s science. I bet that if I felt like it, I could find like, three or four shoddily written academic articles on this exact situation. But I’m lagging way behind and I can’t come in last again. Nick has still been lording his previous victory over my head, and that was already 2 weeks ago.”

Scene elder Dave Raller commented on the familiarity of the situation, having seen several bands fall victim to similar distractions.

“There was a great post-hardcore band years ago that fizzled when the singer got that cable that connects Gameboys so they could battle Pokemon,” Raller reminisced. “The only band I ever saw survive this dreaded nostalgia trap was powerpop trio Bells of Marinara, and that’s only because they rebranded as a live-gaming group. That N64 is pure Kryptonite.”

At press time, Silver Glitter’s band practice officially ended when the bassist started crying and Mrs. Perth made everyone go home.