Hardware Store Annoyed With Noise Musicians Coming in and Soloing for Hours Without Buying Anything

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — Employees of a local hardware store franchise are reportedly exasperated with the many noise musicians who repeatedly come in to solo without purchase, sources confirmed while pressing fingers in their ears.

“They always head for the loudest stuff and start going ham for hours on end. The leaf blowers, the chain saws, anything with a, whattaya call it there, an interesting sonic quality,” said True Value Home Hardware manager Chester Dillaway. “And then they don’t buy squat. It’s like they treat my store like their own little SUNY Purchase dorm show. Look, I’m all for ‘power electronics’ but not like that. They’re ruining some of my favorite sounds in the whole world.”

The noise musicians in question were quick to defend their frequent use of the hardware store’s facilities.

“I just want to make sure I’ll get a good sound out of my instruments before I make a big purchase like that. Would you criticize Mozart for testing out a piano? Well, consider me the Mozart of the hydraulic paint mixer,” said local noise artist Brian Symmonds, who performs under the moniker “Sheathed Regions.” “People assume being a harsh noise musician is all fast cars and bikini babes, but there’s actually very, very little money involved. I know, I was surprised too.”

Telly Diamonds, a representative of Black and Decker manufacturing, elaborated on the continuing threat noise musicians pose to the hardware store community.

“Oh, we receive thousands, no joke thousands, of complaints every year from hardware store employees complaining about noise musicians doing what they call ‘rip ‘n dips’ where they ‘rip’ a set and ‘dip’ out of there,” said Diamonds. “It’s gotten to the point where we’re nearing a deal with Guitar Center to have them sell our products. At least they’re used to masturbatory musicians sampling wares without purchase. These harsh noise areas will allow folks to come in and solo on a drill or a blender for as long as they want. Hopefully behind a pane or two of acoustically-impenetrable glass, for the sake of others.”

At press time, Dillaway decided to throw in the towel and has officially rebranded True Value Home Hardware as a thriving DIY venue.

Latest Episode of “Behind the Bastards” Tells Origin Story of Guy Who Invented Rushing to Front of Stage Right Before the Headliner Goes On

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Fans of the popular history podcast “Behind the Bastards” were surprised by the show’s latest episode, chronicling Vincent Whitman, whose claim to notoriety is being the first person in recorded history to push his way to the front right before a headlining performer’s set started.

“Numerous records and testimonies verify that, at a Bert Jansch concert in 1966, Whitman aggressively pushed his way to the front of the crowd for the headliner even though he arrived to the show very late,” said host Robert Evans while describing the two-part series on an otherwise unknown historical figure. “Others, upon realizing this unwritten social rule had been broken without consequence, followed his example. And soon, this insufferable practice became normalized at standing-room concerts everywhere. People eventually became innovative and used the ‘I’m carrying two beers’ method to get to the front, but Whitman was the first truly reprehensible soul to carry out this depraved act.”

Longtime “Behind the Bastards” listener Ruby Camp noticed a sudden increase of Whitman’s name being shared with intense vitriol on multiple platforms.

“On Twitter there was a hashtag #fuckvincentwhitman trending within minutes, and I saw multiple Tiktok creators posting videos tearing Whitman down,” said Camp. “But unsurprisingly a lot of people on Facebook were defending Whitman, saying it was ‘his right as an American citizen.’ There was an entire group dedicated to him claiming he would have been an anti-vax warrior if he were still around today. I just wish everyone could come together and agree that rushing to the stage for the headliner is a bullshit move.”

Delilah Blanchard, author of the concert history book “Maximum Capacity: The Dark Side of General Admission,” cited Whitman’s towering height as a key factor in their menace.

“Whitman was reportedly 6’5” and was known to where distracting hats. So, it’s not as though he was struggling to see or anything,” said Blanchard, who researched Whitman for years. “By all accounts, he had a great view of the stage even when he was standing towards the back of the room. But apparently, it was so important for him to see Bert up close that he had to make everyone else pay the price. When I think of the worst people in history I think Hitler, Vlad the Impaler, and Vincent fucking Whitman.”

This installment comes after another two-part episode, about Andrew Dent, known for being the first person to stand up immediately when the plane lands.

We Look Back on When Executions Went Electric

Posted on by Richard Circuit

It’s been decades since an acoustic execution has graced the stages of our town centers. The French guillotine was last used in 1977 and American hangings haven’t been in vogue since slightly before then. We took the time to reflect on that infamous mid-20th century moment when executions went electric.

Traditionalists preferred the clean sounds of wood and steel and spine and blood. They saw the electric chair as a cop-out that appealed to general audiences, while simultaneously taking less skill on the part of the executioner. Executions were just more intimate back in the day.

We spoke with some of those most impacted by the change.

“Executions are supposed to be between a criminal, an 80-pound blade, and a rowdy crowd watching it all, hoping to get spattered with blood,” said execution snob Marc Watters. “Now pop culture has taken over so everyone and their mom can enjoy the death of a probably-guilty convict.”

After the electric switch, crowds could be heard yelling “Judas!” in reference to the biblical character who hung himself the old-fashioned way.

“You shouldn’t need all those cables and wires to put on a good show,” said execution enthusiast Gertrude Cafferty. “If you’re really talented you can do it with your hands and still have everyone leave happy.”

Called a betrayal by many decapitation-heads, the switch over to electric executions was met with mass uproar. One angry executioner tried to take his axe to the electric cables connected to the prison and cut off the power.

“Me and my artisanal craftsmanship are going to be put out of work,” said Victor Deglano. “No more black masks and hand-chopped criminals. And don’t get me started on lethal injections. Now I need a medical degree to do my job.”

Opinion: Saturday Is for the Boys and Sunday Is for Solemnly Piecing Together Where Life Went Wrong

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Saturday is for the fucking boys, of course. It’s a day for drinking, hanging, partying, and all other things related to “bro-ing out.” It’s a day reserved for fun, friendship, and uplifting your boys to the fullest extent. Sunday, however, is for waking up alone and spending the rest of the day solemnly piecing together exactly where your life went so terribly wrong.

Some things are hard to piece together. Saturday was clear as a bell, though. The boys and I went wild. We got totally sloshed and sang karaoke, both at the bar and at the Uber driver on our way home. But when I abruptly woke up to vomit on Sunday, I was unable to pinpoint exactly which of my horrible life decisions started me down the path I now wander, totally alone.

Was it the time I turned down an invite for Saturday dinner at my boss’ house so I could turn up with my boys? Maybe then I could have turned this job into a fulfilling career with upward mobility. Or was it the many times I no-showed my kid’s little league games and, instead, spent the Saturday playing cornhole with the fellas. These are the questions Sunday was meant to ponder.

Unfortunately, as much as I try to think my way out of this mess, I doubt there is anything that can be done. I am filled with no answers. Only regret a puzzle to put back together. The broken puzzle pieces of my shattered life. Just waiting for next Saturday.

“We Like To Have Fun Around Here,” Says Older Cop While Showing Rookie Where Department Keeps Its Electric Chair

Posted on by James Knapp

GLADEWATER, Texas — Veteran law enforcement officer Denny Polumbock jocularly mentioned that the Gladewater PD “likes to have fun” just as they arrived at the capital punishment room while giving a tour of the station to a new hire, sources who were only forty percent kidding confirmed.

“I know these days a lot of those cancel culture fascists like to badmouth the boys in blue, but that’s just because they don’t see the lighter side of our jobs. That’s why we still keep this chair around – or as we call him, ‘Sparky Jim,’” explained Polumbock. “Sure, MSNBC will run iPhone footage of us beating up immigrants all day, but they never bother to show the looks of pure joy on everyone’s faces when we absolutely fry somebody. We even added stadium seating for our death spectators. It’s all about creating the perfect atmosphere for a good time.”

Rookie cop Mark Locke expressed a mixture of confusion and perverse interest following Polumbock’s remarks.

“You don’t expect to see a rig that advanced in a small town jail like this. Apparently they did a community fundraiser to buy the thing and everyone was so excited to finally turn it on. I mean, according to Denny, the station didn’t even have a radio until this year,” questioned Locke. “I must admit though, it is nice to see a department be so upfront about this sort of thing. I worked as a State Trooper for a couple years and those guys do all of their murdering real undercover. No show about it.”

Death-row convict Vance Coclear gave his perspective on his forthcoming execution.

“Someone call the ACLU! I was just arrested for loitering at Sbarro, I don’t deserve to die!” Coclear bellowed to an indifferent jailhouse. “This is barbaric! I can’t imagine what happens when someone commits an actual crime. Also, the cutesy name for the chair is just a slap in the face. If you’re going to 100% fully fucking kill me, could you at least take it seriously!”

At press time, Gladewater PD officers were preparing another prisoner to be executed by firing squad for the crime of humming a trademarked song without first acquiring the copyright.

So You Finally Have an Evening to Devote to Making Music: Here’s How to Spend It All Fixing Your Audio Interface and Installing Updates

Posted on by John Danek

The kids are sleeping at their friend’s house. Your spouse is visiting the in-laws. Tonight is the night! You finally have two or three uninterrupted hours to work on music. Finally, you can put together the bedroom EP that Rick Rubin will find on Bandcamp and offer to produce an album. Your musical dreams are about to come true. The only thing that can stop you is getting too tired and falling asleep on the couch. Here’s how to maximize those precious hours.

Connect your audio interface
Consider which amp plugin you want to use out of the twelve you bought on sale last Black Friday. Connect your guitar and start comparing Fender Twin simulations to Marshalls. Wait, shit, there’s no sound coming out. Plus, the light on the front of the audio interface is blinking. That can’t be good.

Scour the internet for troubleshooting advice
How has no other human being on the internet in 2023 had the issue where the Focusrite 2i2 light blinks three short times followed by three long blinks? There is one Reddit thread where someone appears to have a similar issue but moderators locked the discussion for being off-topic since it was on the Celine Dion subreddit. The search for help continues.

Reinstall your audio interface’s drivers
Let’s just start from scratch by reinstalling the drivers. The interface itself is pretty old, so are you supposed to install the x86 version or 64-bit? There aren’t any Windows 11 drivers listed but Windows 10 should probably work, right? We hope. Fuck.

Update Windows
Yeah, maybe that’s the problem. Even if it doesn’t fix the interface, at least that little notification in the corner will disappear. Hope that this isn’t one of those updates where your computer is stuck restarting for twenty-five minutes. Oh, it is? Well, time to pour a finger of whiskey since there’s nothing else to do.

Accept defeat
No sound is coming out after reinstalling everything, submitting a support ticket to Focusrite and Microsoft, and changing every conceivable setting for your audio interface. I guess it’s just not meant to be. You’re never going to open for Dokken. But that doesn’t mean you need to spend any less time or money on guitar fantasies! In fact, maybe it’s time to transition from guitar player to guitar collector. These are all things to think about as you drift to sleep, drunk on the couch. It is almost 9pm after all.

Satanic Panic? This Member of The Satanic Temple Has Anxiety

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Satanic panics are all the rage right now. Thanks to the concerned Facebook posts of Christian mothers, devilish imagery receives frequent engagement online and at any event with red lighting or a Party City devil costume. But this resurgence doesn’t faze local woman Allison Crane, a card-carrying member of The Satanic Temple whose severe anxiety makes every day a Satanic panic.

Pop stars like Sam Smith, Kim Petras, and Lil Nas X get a lot of credit for starting new Satanic panics, but they wouldn’t hold a ritualistic candle to Allison if she wasn’t afraid to leave her apartment. She even experiences Satanic panic inside her overpriced living space. That flickering burnt-out light in the kitchen? It’s pretty spooky but not as nerve-wracking as filing a maintenance request for someone to come over and fix it.

Allison’s rare public appearances spawn some pretty impressive Satanic panic attacks. Sure, people online are more concerned with finding subliminal messages in reversed music videos, but Allison’s still haunted by her last Trader Joe’s run. How is she supposed to sleep at night knowing she saw two of her former classmates in the produce aisle without greeting them?

The worst part of the situation? She specifically drove to this Trader Joe’s on the other side of town because she can’t go back to the one in her own neighborhood. She’s not outright banned or anything, but she said “You’re welcome” to a cashier who told her to have a great day. No way in hell is she showing her face in there after that debacle.

She’d sooner attend church with her parents again than be perceived by her neighbors one more time. Hell, she probably will. They want her to join them for Easter vigil and she doesn’t have the heart to tell them that her book club meets that afternoon. If they find out she’s in one book club, they’ll try to get her to join their book club which meets in front of an incredibly creepy Jesus statue — the one that she joined The Satanic Temple to protest, no less.

At least she has time to think it over while she drives across town to a third grocery store. Her Friday night pizza ritual can continue as planned so long as she doesn’t hyperventilate in this place’s frozen food section.

Goth Does Semi-Truck Fist Pump Thing as Hearse Drives By

Posted on by Chris Bowen

TRENTON, N.J. — Local goth Alex Stemens enthusiastically fist pumped a nearby hearse in hopes they would blow their giant air horn, several chalky white-faced sources report.

“I always like to let hearse drivers know that I appreciate everything they do, and show my solidarity with them,” Stemens explained. “Oftentimes, whenever I clench my fist and pump it in the air for an oncoming hearse, I can see their faces glow before looking away. And I’m sure it’s a tough job for them, what with all the having to go around cemeteries so often and not being able to take pictures and all. I know that would be pretty damn stressful for me. I’m still hoping one of them blows their horn and it plays ‘The Munsters’ theme or something cool like that.”

Richard Kulis, a hearse driver for the Kulis & Bushnell Funeral Home for over 40 years, is more than just confused over instances like this.

“In all my years in the business, I still have no idea what to do whenever I see the vampire types make that horn-thing gesture,” Kulis explained. “I mean, do they want me to lay on my horn during the funeral procession? Flash the lights? Do it back? Normally I just look at them then pretend to look at the road or my phone while driving. I guess it’s better than them asking me for autographs like they did in the ‘90s.”

Elder goth Tracy “Fangs” Romona used experiences from their decades-long presence in the scene to weigh in on the wholesome gesture.

“Goths as well as hearse operators know the universal game they play with each other,” Romona said while selling their prized two-headed fetus in a jar on eBay for money towards Sisters of Mercy tickets. “It’s also like when goths see any black cats in public. It’s ingrained in our psyche to immediately pet them on the head or do that ‘pspspsps’ noise to get them to come over. Or also like when goths see a picture of our lord and savior Robert Smith, you tap the tip of your nose for good luck. Goths love superstitions.”

At press time, Stemens was seen saluting a Home Depot employee for everything she does putting up the displays during Halloween season.

Gin Blossoms Finally Acknowledge White Privilege of Letting Cops Chase You Around and Facing Zero Repercussions

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TEMPE, Ariz. — ‘90s alt rockers Gin Blossoms finally acknowledged their white privilege that enabled them to “drive around this town” being chased by the cops without any repercussions, confused and old listeners of Sirius XM’s “Lithium” confirmed.

“Anyone who’s heard our music is well aware of our extreme level of whiteness. Heck, we’re routinely ranked between Savage Garden and Toad the Wet Sprocket as the ‘most likely to sunburn indoors’ rock groups of the ‘90s. But we didn’t learn until recently about the privilege that comes along with being the alt rock equivalent of mayonnaise on Wonder Bread,” explained bassist Bill Leen. “It’s important now that we recognize that not every band could spend the day letting the cops chase them without facing arrest, or worse. Let’s just say if it was Living Colour in that situation, the song ‘Hey Jealousy’ would have ended very differently.”

Random Tempe woman commuting to work Shawna Howard described a related run-in with Leen.

“I saw this middle-aged white guy walking down the street and briefly stopping and speaking to every person of color. When he reached me, he said ‘I’m sorry.’ I asked for what and then he explained he’s in the Gin Blossoms. I got excited thinking they were the guys who wrote that song from ‘The Babysitters Club’ movie but apparently that was Better Than Ezra?” said Howard. “I suppose I appreciate what he’s trying to do, even if it may negatively affect his career. Because let’s face it, bands like his mostly play midwestern state fairs, and those places are teeming with corn dog-eating, anti-woke white people.”

Former MTV VJ and ‘90s rock scene staple Matt Pinfield elaborated on this emerging trend among aging rock bands.

“The one consistent throughline in the story of grunge and alternative rock is white privilege. I mean, how else could a band like Matchbox Twenty receive a record contract and radio play without it,” said Pinfield. “But Zoomers that are now discovering this music are viewing these lyrics through a different lens than their parents. First, consider the so-called ‘dark secret’ behind the boathouse in The Toadies’ ‘Possum Kingdom.’ And it’s probably best to just avoid the thorny issue that is King Missile’s ‘Detachable Penis.’”

In response to Gin Blossom’s newly found empathy and atonement, Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind has vowed to continue being the biggest asshole of ‘90s rock.

Review: Radiohead “Kid A”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times travels back to review an album that we probably should have when it came out. This week we’re looking at Radiohead’s iconic “Kid A.”

Ah, yes. Radiohead. The Reel Big Fish of electronica. The Limp Bizkit of experimental music. The Taylor Swift of art rock. A lot of things could be said about this band. Especially this critically acclaimed record.

I remember the first time I ever heard “Kid A” way back in the early 2000s. I had just downloaded a copy from the file-sharing behemoth known as LimeWire. If you don’t remember, LimeWire was like Spotify but totally illegal because artists didn’t get any money from it. Unlike Spotify where they at least get spare change here and there.

Anyway, this album was my very first introduction to the ‘Head, and boy was I floored. The first “Kid A” track I downloaded was an MP3 of their song “Creep.” Simply incredible vibes. Next, I got M4As of “Karma Police” and “High and Dry.” I’m telling you, it was such a mind-blowing start to a piece of work that it almost sounded like it could be a greatest hits album.

From there, “Kid A” kind of took a turn. The next songs that I downloaded were “MmmBop,” “Enter Sandman,” and “Mambo No. 5.” I had heard this band got pretty experimental but I was not expecting this kind of range.

At one point it sounded like I was listening to seven or eight different bands on one album. That being said, I think my favorite Radiohead song of all time is definitely “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing to F’ With.” That’s track 24 on the album. Not enough experimental art rock bands incorporate hip-hop into their sound.

This album is an absolute classic and quite possibly the most experimental record of all time. If you’re a Radiohead fan, you know exactly what I’m talking about already. It’s just too bad LimeWire had to shut down due to the rampant copyright infringement because I never would’ve found the classic song “Smells_Like_TeenSpirit” by Third Eye Blind without them.

Score: Kid A+

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