Justin Gordan Cooper, Author at HARDTIMES

Barenaked Ladies Reveal “One Week” is About the Time Phil Collins Saw a Guy Drowning

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

TORONTO — Canadian rock group Barenaked Ladies revealed that their Billboard Hot 100 hit “One Week” was inspired by an incident in which Genesis member Phil Collins saw a man drowning but did not lend a hand, horrified sources report.

“When I wrote ‘One Week,’ I was actually worried,” said Robertson, displaying the original handwritten rap lyrics to the song. “I thought people would call me out for writing about someone else’s life, but no one ever has. It seems obvious to me that it is about Phil Collins and the drowning guy. I mean, just look at these: ‘You’ll think you’re looking at Aquaman,’ ‘gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon,’ ‘your brain stops tickin.’ They’re very clearly about the guy who wrote ‘That’s All’ letting someone die a watery death right before his eyes. I mean, I rap ‘I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral.’ I’m just straight up describing that dark and strange night in Collins’s life.”

Barenaked Ladies fan Kevin Lungstrom was shocked to find out the actual meaning behind the song after all these years.

“It is super weird that my favorite BNL song is about the guy who wrote the ‘Tarzan’ theme song watching someone die in the cold embrace of a lake,” said Lungstrom, nodding in recognition. “But I can’t deny that it now makes perfect sense. The lyrics–about a desire for forgiveness and shameful anger that accompanies it–are exactly what Phil Collins would feel in that situation. Obviously. I also heard that ‘If I Had $1,000,000’ was going to be the original them for ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ but Regis vetoed it.”

Phil Collins was simply grateful that Robertson had finally opened up about “One Week.”

“I still remember that night so vividly. The way the drowning man kept yelling for help, and pointing at me saying ‘Phil, for the love of God please help me, you’re one of my favorite drummers and an even better vocalist,’” Collins said while sending a fax. “Even though I witnessed a man die with my own two eyes, I could never truly put the feeling down in words. I am just glad that Ed could make me immortal in his own way, unlike that guy who really should have learned how to swim as a kid.”

As of press time, Collins admitted his 1981 hit song “Something in the Air” was about the time his friends in the country rock band the Eagles had checked out of a hotel, but could never leave.

Frontman Prays Bassist’s Name Comes to Him By Time He Finishes Introducing Rest of the Band

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Shane Worley, the frontman of local punk band Blood Bathtub, reportedly panicked upon introducing the members of his band, hoping that the name of the bassist came to him by the time he finished doing everyone else’s intro.

“I’ll admit, shouting everyone out during the show was a mistake,” said Worley while smoking a cigarette after the show. “After introducing our lead guitarist and our drummer my face tensed into a thoughtful grimace as I tried to remember what our bassist’s name is. I never would have started calling out the band if I knew this would happen, but to be honest, I forgot we even had someone on bass up there with us. His face looks familiar, for sure, he’s been at practices for the last six years, I’ve seen him at our photoshoots, I was the Best Man at his wedding, but his name just eludes me.”

Despite Worley’s best efforts to play off the situation, crowd members reportedly noticed his forgetfulness during the show.

“I could tell something was up,” said show attendee Eryn Mayhew. “When he finally got around to the bass player, the frontman just stammered and stuttered for a full thirty seconds, and then said stuff like ‘you know him, you love, he’s the big dog’ and ‘give it up for the Chief.’ Then he gave the rest of the band three more introductions, clearly stalling for time. There was a solid minute where he was sort of hiding behind some amps looking at his phone and smacking his forehead. But I don’t think he ever figured it out.”

Music executive Brian Terry said that forgetting names is just common practice in the music business.

“You can’t be expected to remember every single person you meet at a show, have a drink with, or perform on stage with every night for nearly a decade,” said Terry. “Before I got into the corporate world I played keyboards in a new wave band and I remember the essential people like our singer Shane, Theo on drums, Mikey on Guitar, Mikey’s girlfriend Sarah who he actually married in 1997 in Cabo, Shane’s two lovely aunts Miriam and Kimberly, Theo’s son Christian who was 7 pounds 3 ounces when we has born, and obviously everyone’s pets, but if you asked me to name our bassist I wouldn’t be able to do it for the life of me.”

At press time, the Blood Bathtub bassist reportedly could not be reached for comment, as nobody in the band had his contact name or number saved.

Realistic Aaron Sorkin Film Features Characters Thinking of Witty Retort Five Minutes Later

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Charles Bill

LOS ANGELES – Aaron Sorkin caused a stir in Hollywood when he released a new “more grounded” script replacing stylized dialogue with awkward pauses and characters thinking of witty retorts five minutes later, confirmed multiple sources who claim to still love “The West Wing.”

“It all started when someone called me Stephen King’s aborted twin,” said the acclaimed writer-director. “I tried to come up with a comeback, but I just mumbled ‘you too’ and walked away. Five minutes later I thought of a whole speech about how the guy that called me that was a disappointment to his parents, his friends, and most importantly America. It was super eloquent, but then I realized that no one is that quick-witted. If I, a super genius writer and master of subtlety, could not clap back in the moment, why should any of my characters? So I wrote this new script where everyone is a simpering dipshit, just like in real life.”

Frequent collaborators of Sorkin are having difficulty adjusting to the new realistic format.

“I’ve never had to act through so many dumbfounded silences as on Aaron’s new film,” said fake president Martin Sheen, “My character would get insulted, and I would just stand there stammering, saying ‘uhhhhh,’ and then occasionally just cry before running out of the room. That happens to me all the time in real life, but it isn’t very fun in movies. He also keeps writing me these long monologues that I either have to say ‘um’ and ‘er’ the entire time, or I get interrupted four seconds and say ‘oops, sorry, you go ahead’ even though I was talking first. It’s as frustrating as it is realistic.”

This new wave of cinematic realism has taken hold with auteurs all across Hollywood.

“Kids are never that precocious. Typically they’re dumb as rocks,” said Wes Anderson, “When I saw what Aaron was doing, I just knew I needed to make a change. Now all my set dressing is drab and uniform, and the child actors will no longer reference mid-century Britpop. Instead they’ll be obsessed with getting ‘Fortnite’ dances exactly right. In the interest of realism, I’ve also rewritten every character that interacts with Gwyneth Paltrow to find her completely insufferable.”

At press time, Sorkin was furiously rewriting his script upon observing that conservative news anchors rarely parrot liberal talking points.

Boring Song Intro Turns Out to Be Whole Song

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — The introduction on a new track “Medieval Candle” from the seminal doom metal band Draconian Flesh turned out to be the entire track, annoyed sources confirmed.

“At first there was just kinda’ these wandering droning guitars and the sound of wind blowing, and I was ok with it for the first minute or two but it just kept going. When it got around the six-minute mark I figured ‘ok this is when it gets heavy’ but instead there was just the slight hint of some Mexican guitar and more wind sounds,” Draconian Flesh fan Jill Murphy explained after skipping the track for the seventh time. “I was convinced that at any second the drums would kick in and some nasty riff was going to melt my face but it just never happened.”

Draconian Flesh guitarist Roman Rowe attempted to explain the addition of this incredibly boring track to their new album “…and Pain For The Grateful”.

“This being our sophomore album, we really wanted our sound to mature, so we decided to write a song that just goes on and on but never actually goes anywhere,” Rowe said while attempting to record guitar feedback for a new song. “We really wanted to create a soundscape that our fans will like but also make critics lose their damn minds. We want to reimagine what it means to be a metal band and take our fans on a journey through our music. We feel exploring the stock sound library at the recording studios is the best way to do just that.”

Music Theory Professor Nettie Garrett, Ph.D. helped to explain why so many bands fall into this trap.

“I blame hubris. The band gets a small taste of success and suddenly thinks they are Brian Eno,” Garrett explained after suffering through “Medieval Candle.” “Instead of trying to draft some hooky riffs or interesting fills, they end up putting a microphone in a rock tumbler or throwing an electric bass into a bathtub. They don’t understand that their fans just want a damn song. I highly recommend that if at any point a band says the words ‘reimagined’ or ‘journey’ that they take a deep breath and rethink what they are doing.”

As of press time, Draconian Flesh announced their next EP to be a single 13-minute track titled “The Quantum Of Pain Opus,” much to their fans’ dismay.

We Sit Down With Crust Punk Legend the Stinky Cheese Man

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Ben Friedman

Few people were as synonymous or odorous in the punk world as the Stinky Cheese Man. He and the “Fairly Stupid Crew” were staples of the New York hardcore scene of the late 80’s and early 90’s, their exploits famously adapted as a book 30 years ago. We sat down with him to talk about the height of trash culture and sleeping on bowling balls.

The Hard Times: It’s an honor to sit down and speak to someone as integral to the scene as much as the music itself. How does a sentient cheese man end up in Manhattan?
The Stinky Cheese Man: I was obsessed with the youth crew movement. I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin, it was straight up Reagan country. It also didn’t help that everyone from cows to children were repulsed by my stench. So I just bolted one day and ran, ran, ran. No one tried to stop me, so I kept going until I hit the East Coast.

You haven’t reached out to your family since then?
No, I’ve never been back home, my parents were straight up tweakers. They stuck me in an oven the day I was born. Would you go back to that? I never looked back. It wasn’t until I met Loosey Goosey and Chicken Licken at an Earth Crisis show in ’91 that I felt part of a family again.

Well it was a hell of a family, you were practically the faces of the scene.
Ha, fuck yes we were. The original ‘fairly stupid crew’ was originally spearheaded by Jack, he would do all the talking for us to get into shows and distract the cops while we lifted copper wire. Ugly Duckling was a crazy motherfucker, he lived life like he had nothing to lose. Mostly I guess because he just looked like an absolute abomination. We loved him anyway.

But I think most people would agree you stood out the most at shows. What made you stand out from the rest of Fairly Stupid?
Well it was easy to open up the pit and be the center of attention when you smell like rotting food 24/7. But those shows were the only places I felt like I could be myself. I do think Red Running Shorts, and Little Red Hen deserves some credit too, they ignored that “no pussy in the pit” bullshit and fucked a lots of dudes up (laughs).

When do you think it all started coming apart? There was a lot of death in such a short time.
I’m not saying it was entirely Rudy Guliani’s fault, but once he became mayor he started cracking down on squatters and petty theft and really killed the vibe and things were tense. The Giant had a schizophrenic episode, crippled Jack and then killed Little Red Hen. But the nail in the coffin was Ducky Lucky, Chicken Licken, Goosey Loosey, Foxy Loxy, AND Cocky Locky getting crushed by the Table of Contents. After that everyone left except for me and Cinderumpelskilstin. She’s the only one who could work.

I guess you’re the last of a dying breed. Has your outlook on life changed after all these years?
We’re just living in a pigsty, with a glossy coat of paint on it. This whole fucking civilization man, it’s just garbage people in a garbage city. People still shun me after all these years because I smelllike brie fucked by a corpse, but I didn’t have a choice. You think anyone would voluntarily want olives for eyes? But there is some solace in knowing that I left my mark regardless.

Do you think you’ll ever leave New York City?
No way man, I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Besides, even if I tried to leave I’d probably melt trying to cross the Hudson anyway.

Scientists Have Recreated the Real Face of Jesus if He Was Into the Insane Clown Posse

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Matt Kennedy

Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures in human history. His message of love and compassion (later rebranded as xenophobia and hatred toward poor people) still permeates our culture, and yet so little is known about Christ the man. What did the historical Jesus look like? How did he really live? What sort of Juggalo would he be? These are the questions that have plagued scholars since the release of The Great Milenko.

Today, science is shedding some dope-ass light on the Hatchetman of hatchetmen.

It’s common knowledge today that Jesus didn’t have flowing straight blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He likely had dark/olive skin, dark curly hair, and brown eyes. It is also common knowledge that the Insane Clown Posse is the most important cultural movement of our time.

If Jesus was alive today he undoubtedly would have been a Juggalo, a diehard fan of the Insane Clown Posse, or any group signed to Psychopathic Record. Dr. Joshuel Kurtz, the project leader responsible for remaining Christ as a Jugallo, shared some insights into the potential importance of his team’s work.

“If Jesus gave the sermon on the mound today, it would undoubtedly preach the doctrine of Jugga-love. We’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, and it’s probably just a story, but what we’re speculating here is, ‘what if it actually happened? And what if, instead of wine, it was Faygo? And what flavor would it be?’ Shit like that. We had a lot of grant money and unlimited time, so we’re exploring the Jesus-as-Juggalo premise from every conceivable angle”

To anyone who dismisses this project as a crude, amateurish photoshop job, unworthy of the three years and six million dollars in grant money it took to complete, the Juggalo community has only one thing to say to you: Watch your ass.

Woman’s Parents Keep Asking When She and Boyfriend Going to Start Podcast Together

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Tim Graham

TOWSON, Md. — Local woman Cassandra Fedge is feeling mounting pressure from her parents to “get serious” and start a podcast with her longtime boyfriend, according to sources within her Sunday brunch group.

“My parents keep talking about how their friends’ daughters are all starting podcasts with their partners. They’re really getting up my ass about it,” said Fedge. “The straw that broke the camel’s back was my cousin Sara. She and her boyfriend are in their late thirties and have been together forever. Nobody thought they were ever going to settle down and start a podcast together. But then Sara made a Facebook post saying the two of them are launching one recapping ‘Supernatural’ from the beginning. My mom called me within minutes.”

Fedge’s boyfriend Thad Susser said that while the two of them are in love, they feel they’re still pretty young to be making that kind of commitment.

“We’re only in our mid-twenties,” said Susser. “We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and people are pushing us to make these big, content-based decisions. Her parents don’t understand that not everyone has to follow the same path. If and when we do start a podcast together, maybe it won’t be a traditional arrangement. Maybe it’ll be the two of us hosting, but sometimes we’ll bring on a third. It’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake.”

Relationship advice podcaster Sheila Lovelock said she sees some red flags in Fedge and Susser’s case.

“When a couple—especially a young white couple like this who share common interests in video games and movies—have been together for a few years and still express no desire to start a podcast, it could be a sign that the relationship is in trouble,” said Lovelock. “Really, they should be grateful for the way things are now. They should think of it from their parents’ point of view: when their generation was young, podcasts didn’t even exist. Couples basically had to talk to each other one-on-one all the time, with no audience or Patreon subscribers at all.”

At press time, the couple had agreed to join a Dungeons & Dragons group which streams weekly on Twitch as a compromise to appease Fedge’s parents.

Ron DeSantis Removes Bad Brains From “Essential Hardcore” Playlist

Posted on March 22, 2023 by Dave McNamara

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced last week that his state would seek to remove DC hardcore legends Bad Brains from the “Essential Hardcore” playlist on Spotify, multiple sources confirmed.

“A lot of people might not know this about me, but I’m a big fan of hardcore punk rock and roll,” said DeSantis in an interview from his home in RumChata Springs, Florida. “You look at my CDs you’ll find Third Eye Blind, Gin Blossoms, and Smash Mouth, I’ve been in the scene for a long time. But putting Bad Brains on the ‘Essential Hardcore’ playlist is nothing more than a woke revisionist history trying to make white people feel guilty. I mean, Bad Brains were nothing more than a reggae band that has no lasting legacy in the hardcore movement as far as I can tell.”

Bad Brains frontman HR spoke about the move while on tour with his latest band Everlasting Vibrations of Universal Awareness in Movement and Righteousness.

“Sounds like Mr. DeSantis was a little too inspired by our ‘Banned in D.C.’ song,” said HR. “These men deal in negativity. It’s their currency, whereas mine is only one of love and positivity. If they want to erase Bad Brains from the history book, that’s their prerogative albeit disappointing. If we’re not careful, Florida youth will never be exposed to Fishbone on their ska playlists, Living Colour on their rock playlists, or the Wu-Tang Clan in general. What a shame.”

Ibram X. Kendi is an author, professor, and activist, whose book “How to be Antiracist” is on DeSantis’ list of banned books in Florida schools.

“DeSantis is part of a long legacy of politicians seeking to maintain a white supremacist interpretation of American history,” said Kendi. “In this version of history, slavery had no lasting effect on Black Americans, Civil Rights solved racism, and apparently the single most influential hardcore band of all time was nothing more than a footnote in the history of the movement. In my book, I talk about the idea that you can only really have one of two perspectives on race in America: racist or antiracist. With people like DeSantis I think we need to introduce a third option: super fucking racist.”

At press time, the DeSantis administration offered an alternative list of artists to replace Bad Brains on the playlist, including Kid Rock, Disturbed, and a recently surfaced recording of Eric Clapton’s racist rant against immigrants from 1976.

Mark Mothersbaugh Busts Out Acoustic Keytar at Campfire Singalong

Posted on March 22, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

BIG BEAR LAKE, Calif. — Legendary Devo co-founder Mark Mothersbaugh delighted dozens of acquaintances around a campfire after busting out his acoustic keytar to kick off a singalong, charmed sources confirmed.

“Well, it was the final night of the annual Mutato Muzika employee woodland retreat, we were all sitting around roasting potatoes, and I was feeling a bit wistful. So, luckily, I broke out my ol’ Alesis Acoust-Ex 300 so we could all have a big old-fashioned family singalong. Mostly deep cuts off ‘Oh, No! It’s Devo,’ starting with ‘Time Out For Fun’ which I felt was relevant to the occasion,” said Mothersbaugh, adjusting his famous eyeglass frames. “Yup, I never take a camping trip without my trusty acoustic…Oh, just make sure to be careful no one else mistakes it for a block of firewood.”

Participants in the singalong were visibly enthralled, though some became unsettled at what they were witnessing.

“Initially, I was having a blast. But then I began thinking more about the logistics of how an acoustic keytar is even physically possible. I started to comfort myself by saying it must work like an actual piano,” said Mutato engineer Vivienne Holiday. “But, then, how could it be making such electronic sounds? The damn thing had vocoder capabilities! Did Mark make it himself? Was NASA somehow involved? I’m not totally unconvinced I didn’t dream the whole thing at this point. After that retreat, I need a vacation.”

Senior Park Ranger Ollie Trythall elaborated on how Devo fans often fare in deep wilderness situations.

“Oh, you might be surprised, but Devotees tend to flourish out here in the great outdoors. You see, their yellow radiation suits are flame retardant, so if a forest fire flares up, they can waltz right through to safety,” observed Trythall. “Plus, whether it be a New Traditionalist pompadour or the classic energy dome, their headgear usually protects them from all manner of falling debris. From acorn to avalanche, it just bounces right off. On top of that, de-evolution theorizes humans are an unnatural species, responsible for the destruction of the planet, which makes the fans much more in tune with the forest’s so-called ‘lower’ life forms. Your average Spud has a hell of a lot more respect for a patch of moss than it does a nuclear family.”

After the singalong, Mothersbaugh reportedly donned his iconic Booji Boy mask, held a flashlight under it, and told horror stories about the record contracts they signed in the late ‘80s.

You Can Pry My Monster Energy Drink From My Cold, Extremely Shaky Hands

Posted on March 22, 2023 by Audrey Vieira

Hey, you little non-neon-colored pissbaby. You want to take my beloved Pipeline Punch, huh? You think my Monster Energy consumption is so concerning? Well, good luck trying to take it from me because you’ll have to pry that sweet battery acid from my cold, cold hands that will not stop shaking for some reason.

I dare you to come and take my Monster Energy drink. Even if I handed it over willingly like a coward, the condensation on the can would send it spilling from your puny mortal hands to the cold, hard ground. You wouldn’t want to let that happen. I also have the upper hand with my lightning-fast reflexes, so I could snatch my beverage right back from your weak, decaffeinated arms.

It’s not like you have other options. What are you going to do, take my Ultra variety pack away while I’m sleeping? Bold of you to assume I’m capable of rest. While you dream about separating me from my beloved Monster, I stay awake to unleash the beast.

I don’t have an energy drink problem. I’m also fond of juices, java, and lemonade. It’s just a coincidence that those also happen to be Monster-branded products. I’ll even settle for a Red Bull if it means I can get my afternoon pick-me-up without you bringing me down.

Many have tried to stop me from indulging in my fun little drinks and all of their efforts have failed. My hands shake so much that the cops can’t cuff me. My mind races so fast that my psychiatrist can’t comprehend what’s going on in there. My bladder always needs emptying so I’m never in one spot long enough for anyone to track me.

The only way you will separate me from my Monster is over my dead body. Even then, good luck getting the can out of my still-twitching corpse’s grip.

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