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Boring Song Intro Turns Out to Be Whole Song

NEW YORK — The introduction on a new track “Medieval Candle” from the seminal doom metal band Draconian Flesh turned out to be the entire track, annoyed sources confirmed.

“At first there was just kinda’ these wandering droning guitars and the sound of wind blowing, and I was ok with it for the first minute or two but it just kept going. When it got around the six-minute mark I figured ‘ok this is when it gets heavy’ but instead there was just the slight hint of some Mexican guitar and more wind sounds,” Draconian Flesh fan Jill Murphy explained after skipping the track for the seventh time. “I was convinced that at any second the drums would kick in and some nasty riff was going to melt my face but it just never happened.”

Draconian Flesh guitarist Roman Rowe attempted to explain the addition of this incredibly boring track to their new album “…and Pain For The Grateful”.

“This being our sophomore album, we really wanted our sound to mature, so we decided to write a song that just goes on and on but never actually goes anywhere,” Rowe said while attempting to record guitar feedback for a new song. “We really wanted to create a soundscape that our fans will like but also make critics lose their damn minds. We want to reimagine what it means to be a metal band and take our fans on a journey through our music. We feel exploring the stock sound library at the recording studios is the best way to do just that.”

Music Theory Professor Nettie Garrett, Ph.D. helped to explain why so many bands fall into this trap.

“I blame hubris. The band gets a small taste of success and suddenly thinks they are Brian Eno,” Garrett explained after suffering through “Medieval Candle.” “Instead of trying to draft some hooky riffs or interesting fills, they end up putting a microphone in a rock tumbler or throwing an electric bass into a bathtub. They don’t understand that their fans just want a damn song. I highly recommend that if at any point a band says the words ‘reimagined’ or ‘journey’ that they take a deep breath and rethink what they are doing.”

As of press time, Draconian Flesh announced their next EP to be a single 13-minute track titled “The Quantum Of Pain Opus,” much to their fans’ dismay.