Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures in human history. His message of love and compassion (later rebranded as xenophobia and hatred toward poor people) still permeates our culture, and yet so little is known about Christ the man. What did the historical Jesus look like? How did he really live? What sort of Juggalo would he be? These are the questions that have plagued scholars since the release of The Great Milenko.
Today, science is shedding some dope-ass light on the Hatchetman of hatchetmen.
It’s common knowledge today that Jesus didn’t have flowing straight blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He likely had dark/olive skin, dark curly hair, and brown eyes. It is also common knowledge that the Insane Clown Posse is the most important cultural movement of our time.
If Jesus was alive today he undoubtedly would have been a Juggalo, a diehard fan of the Insane Clown Posse, or any group signed to Psychopathic Record. Dr. Joshuel Kurtz, the project leader responsible for remaining Christ as a Jugallo, shared some insights into the potential importance of his team’s work.
“If Jesus gave the sermon on the mound today, it would undoubtedly preach the doctrine of Jugga-love. We’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, and it’s probably just a story, but what we’re speculating here is, ‘what if it actually happened? And what if, instead of wine, it was Faygo? And what flavor would it be?’ Shit like that. We had a lot of grant money and unlimited time, so we’re exploring the Jesus-as-Juggalo premise from every conceivable angle”
To anyone who dismisses this project as a crude, amateurish photoshop job, unworthy of the three years and six million dollars in grant money it took to complete, the Juggalo community has only one thing to say to you: Watch your ass.