First Rule of Being a Fan of Fight Club Is You Do Not Talk About Being a Fan of Fight Club

Posted on by Dan Rice

Welcome to Fight Club fan club. I see a lot of new faces. Shut up. That means a lot of you have been breaking the first two rules of Fight Club fan club. The First rule of Fight Club fan club is… you do not talk about being a fan of Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club fan club is… you do NOT talk about being a fan of Fight Club.

Seriously, it’s just not a good look.

I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but Fight Club has not aged all that well. I look around this room and I see a bunch of people who appreciate Fight Club’s anti-capitalism sentiment delivered in the form of an entertaining, mildly cerebral action movie. Then, I look at the internet, and it’s a whole other story.

Do you know who else is a fan of this thing? Libertarians. Men’s rights activists. White guys who say they’re “too smart for therapy.” Let’s just keep this little fandom of ours low key okay? It’s very easy to attract the wrong element here.

Third rule of Fight Club fan club: Do not over-quote Fight Club. If someone ironically calls you “Sir,” references Bob’s bitch tits, or calls themselves Jack’s such and such, the conversation is over.

The fourth rule of Fight Club fan club: One conversation about Fight Club at a time people.

Fifth rule: No shirts… that has Fight Club stuff on them. You might as well be wearing a swastika for all the negative assumptions the average person will make about you wearing a Fight Club t-shirt. Look I’m not happy about it either, okay? It’s just how it is.

The sixth rule of Fight Club fan club: Don’t tell people you read the book. It will not make you seem smarter, because it is not well written. I think we can all agree that Fincher did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to making that thing entertaining.

And the seventh and final rule of Fight Club fan club: If this is your first time at Fight Club fan club, you have to tell us who you voted for.

Roadie Clearly Only Got Job Because His Father is Roadie Sr.

Posted on by Sara Mellas

VENTURA, Calif. – Inexperienced roadie Rodger Siminek Jr. is fighting accusations that he only got his job as the guitar tech for California surf-grass trio Newt Fire because of his well-connected father, crew members who are sick of listening to him bitch report.

“I grew up on tours, tagging along with my dad who worked as a guitar tech my whole childhood. I always thought he had the coolest job in the world,” the younger Siminek said. “My dad actually urged me to reconsider a life on the road when I first told him it was what I wanted to do. I’ve worked ostensibly hard for everything I’ve gotten, so it’s super annoying when people assume bands only hire me because they know who my father is. Even though he was helpful with the whole ‘it’s not what you know, it’s who you know’ thing.”

Rodger Siminek Sr. is full of pride that his son has chosen to follow in his footsteps.

“Roadie Jr. has wanted to work on tour crews since he was a little kid. He knew how to string a guitar before he knew how to hold a pencil, and over the years has become one of the best in the business. He’s making his old man real proud” said the elder Siminek, wiping a tear from his eye. “And he did it all on his own. The fact that I happen to be extremely influential, respected, and financially stable, has nothing to do with it.”

Adjunct professor Steven Schwarton, who teaches courses in entertainment business practices at Half Sail University (Online), asserts that the media’s recent coverage of nepotism in the entertainment industry is not unfounded.

“It’d be crazy to think having parents who are well-known and well-connected isn’t a significant advantage. Just look at that new merch kid Tommy Shurtz! First gig of his life was heading the merch booth for the Foo Fighters and he’s lined up to tour with Blink-182 next year. Tell me that has nothing to do with being the son of merch legend Big Thomas Shurtz.”

At press time, Roadie was overheard telling a group of doting fans that ‘Mr. Roadie’ is his father, and to please just call him ‘Roadie.’

Punk Builds Time Machine To See Turnstile Before They Were Big

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DENVER — Local punk Cody Dawkins attempted to defy the limits of what humanity knows as a fundamental truth and travel backward through time in order to see hardcore pop sensation Turnstile back when they still played small venues, reported amazed onlookers.

“I’ve loved Turnstile from the start, but I always missed them when they came to town. Next thing I know they’re on a major label and playing Jimmy Fallon. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go to Coachella or watch them open for Blink-182? I’d rather stick my foot in a garbage disposal. So I did what anyone would do and created a way to travel through time and space,” said Dawkins. “It wasn’t as hard as you might think. I just read a lot about black holes and then was able to hijack a Particle Accelerator from an Eastern European terrorist operation. I attached the whole thing to my buddy’s old tour van. The next thing I knew, I was watching Turnstile at the Charm City Art Space in 2012.”

While Dawkins’s behavior may seem extreme to most, friends aren’t surprised at all.

“Shit, Cody once drove 30 straight hours to catch a Comeback Kid show when the original singer rejoined the group for a tour. The dude is determined,” said lifelong friend and former bandmate Wyatt Bowers. “But I’m beginning to worry. I get messages from him saying he’s been stuck in the past and that he’s seen Turnstile so many times they might get a restraining order against him. He’s even going to shows that he’s already been at. Dude, I hate being ‘that guy’, maybe he could stop his Mom from dying in that car wreck, as opposed to seeing another hardcore band. Just saying.”

Dr. Eric Finney, Professor of Astrophysics at Berkley, is concerned with the long-term effects of intergalactic manipulation for scene cred.

“We have seen a real uprise in the misuse of a temporal anomaly for basically what amounts to punk points. Not only do we have dudes time traveling, but we also have guys cruising the multiverse beating the shit out of the pop-punk and ska versions of themselves from middle school,” said Dr. Finney. “We’re going to have to put a stop to this. We are already seeing fractures in the space-time continuum. And not a single one of these assholes has even killed a young Kid Rock. Fucking posers.”

At press time, Dawkins was busy making sure the younger version of himself didn’t buy that Casualties shirt.

Photo by Matt Gill.

How to Park Your Car Directly on the White Lines to Establish You’re the Alpha at This Trader Joe’s

Posted on by Vince Ratti

Do you command total respect but also enjoy a playful shopping atmosphere while stocking up on quirky pantry items? Are you struggling to showcase your superiority clearly and succinctly to the lesser idiots shopping at the same store as you? Well, we’ve got your back; here’s how to park your car on the white lines to tell the world you OWN this Trader Joe’s.

Have the right accessories
It’s a safe bet that if you have rubber testicles or a vagina featured on the back of your electric/hybrid vehicle, you are already telegraphing your supremacy. But you can upgrade this. Maximize your influence by displaying a gender neutral anus on the rear of your Subaru. We recommend crafting it yourself from reclaimed materials.

Also, having a subwoofer installed will command everyone’s attention and force them to listen to your choice of either The Arcade Fire or The Lumineers.

Find your spot
Look for a space near the store entrance or cart return for prime visibility. Although handicapped spots would be ideal, never park there unless you are handicapped. We may be better than everyone else but we’re not monsters.

It’s time to park
Sure, parking directly on the white line will take up 2 spots and everyone will know you’re a fucking boss, but the most Alpha-est way to park is actually to take up 3 spaces by parking perpendicular to the lines. This move can backfire if you have to parallel park and you can’t do it smoothly, so make sure you practice beforehand. If you are unable to do this with ease, everyone is going to look at you like you’re some helpless Beta who cried to a Hawaiian-clad employee after finding out the agave-sweetened cactus tea we love is discontinued.

Repeat
It’s possible everyone didn’t see you mark your territory, so repeat as many times as needed. You know you’ve successfully dominated those other plebes when they begin to say things like “Do you need help?” and “Are you ok?”

Congratulations, Alpha! We already knew that everyone else can eat your shit but now they know too. You’re probably itching to have a loud conversation on your phone while stocking up on some “everything but the bagel” seasoning, so get inside and don’t forget to find that hidden stuffed animal!

Opinion: Worshiping Satan Used To Mean Something in This Country

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

America is going to hell in a hand-basket, and not in a good way. These kids today don’t care about anything except Tiktok, Fortnite, and how many social media likes they get. You know what they don’t have time for anymore?

Worshiping Satan.

I’m not saying rampant devil worship makes America magnificent, but the world feared us a lot more when we still locked up innocent goth kids in Arkansas for the hell of it. Just saying.

In this age of “inclusion,” and “respect of others,” Lucifer’s followers are welcomed into society with open arms, rather than being exiled on suspicion of sorcery and hexcraft. Remember when everyone thought KISS stood for ‘Knights in Satan’s Service’? Millions of their records were burnt on rumor alone, and KISS wasn’t even evil. Well, evil in a capitalist way, but not the cool kind of evil.

When I was a kid, you would get chained to a radiator for a week if anyone suspected you of occultism. Once I spent an entire summer in the trunk of my dad’s car because he found my copy of Venom’s ‘In League With Satan’ LP. You know what? I turned out just fine.

Sometimes I worry that the Church of Satan is directly to blame. They used to stand for pointy goatees, snappy red suits, and the bubbling sexual charisma of Anton LaVey, but those days are long gone, friends. Now the Church of Satan cares about nothing but pushing the woke liberal agenda, fighting for religious freedom, and roasting conservatives on Twitter.

The country is on the road to ruin, and can only be saved by fully committing to the Son of the Morning himself. No more false Devils, nor phony fallen angels. America needs his infernal majesty more than ever; if only to distract the religious right for a while.

This is what we’ll do. We’ll draw a chalk pentagram over the entire state of Kansas, line it with black candles, and pour salt around the perimeter. Then we’ll buy 50,000 ornate goth knives from the mall, slice our palms over clove cigarette tobacco, and await further instruction from below. Hail Satan!

Local Woman Doesn’t Like Friend Group Enough to Spend $80 at Brunch

Posted on by Rose Eden

LOS ANGELES — Echo Park resident Valerie Roosten reportedly doesn’t like her group of friends enough to justify spending $80 at brunch with them, sources confirmed.

“When I first moved here from Portland I was pretty enthusiastic about finding a new friend group to get wasted with on a Sunday morning,” lamented the 36-year-old software company project manager. “But at the end of the day, watching a bunch of women I don’t actually have that much in common with get hammered to the point of embarrassing themselves in public just doesn’t have the same allure as it used to. Plus, that 80 bucks a week I’ve been spending on brunch will come in handy on all the past due credit card payments I owe.”

Other members of the clique seemed disappointed in Roosten’s absence from brunch.

“Yeah well, nobody really likes Valerie but she’s like, really connected and dresses well so that makes all the group photos look better,” said Chandra Pele before asking the server how many mimosas she’s allowed to order for herself at once. “Everyone’s just trying to network their way to the next level and it’s kind of unrealistic to expect all your friends to actually like you, especially in this economy. Hell, I despise every single person that comes to our weekly brunches, but you don’t see me making a whole thing of it.”

Staff members of the half dozen or so restaurants the group frequents have also noticed the tabs that the self-identifying “girl bosses” have been racking up.

“Our menu prices and especially our drink prices are not the cheapest to begin with,” said Matt Garrison, a server at a popular brunch spot in West Hollywood. “So it’s no sweat off my back when they run up a bill that’s nearly four digits long even though at least one of them is either screaming or falling down drunk within 45 minutes of sitting down. I can’t lie though, I do feel bad for some of them. They always split the bill evenly regardless of who drank what or how much, which has got to get expensive after a while. If they didn’t tip so well, I wouldn’t put up with it but sure enough every three weeks or so I’ll see a party of seven or nine booked in my section and think: cha-ching.”

At press time, Roosten revealed that she also doesn’t like the group of people she does volunteer work with enough to spend a few hours every week helping others.

Matt Skiba Quickly Googles “How to Play Drums” After Travis Barker Surgery News

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Former Blink 182 member Matt Skiba frantically searched “how to play drums” upon news that Travis Barker’s hand surgery would postpone the band’s South American leg of their tour, confirmed sources wishing he would move on.

“I know what everyone is thinking and yeah, you would think after more than 20 years in two high-profile punk bands I’d learn a little bit about playing drums. But that doesn’t matter, because I have about two weeks to learn the difference between a 4/4 and 4/8 time signature or whatever Travis plays. Right now I just have to find the shortest tutorials with the least amount of ads,” said Skiba. “I’d hate for some Chilean Blink fan to be disappointed, plus I’m pretty sure a kick drum is like a guitar pedal, maybe. If I pick up a kit from Guitar Center now I can probably make it back in time for a Zoom practice with Mark and Tom.”

Travis Barker reassured fans and any potential replacements that the tour would proceed as soon as he recovered from surgery.

“No one was looking more forward to this tour than I was but it’s just a minor surgery, so whoever has been calling me from an anonymous number all morning about how realistic ‘Whiplash’ was and if drumming for the Aquabats was easy can knock it the fuck off,“ said Barker. “I’ll make a full recovery, and I’ll also be hiring a food taster to test all my meals for poison before I consume anything. Nobody will replace me, nobody can replace me, anyone who tries will be destroyed.”

Blink 182’s tour manager ultimately made the decision to postpone the dates in order to maintain the integrity of the core lineup, in spite of offers from multiple potential stand-ins.

“We’ve been building the hype for the return of the Tom, Mark, and Travis show, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to hire a temporary drummer when we’re charging $200 a ticket for nosebleed seats. I know Skiba has been trying to contact us, along with the guys from Angels and Airwaves. We’re not budging,” said band manager Chris Georggin. “Matt was a great addition to the band when Tom left to chase UFOs, but unless he can have Google implant drum signatures in his break and then marry a Kardashian in the next ten days, he can sit this one out.”

At press time, the band admitted that they did reach out to original drummer Scott Raynor about filling in for Barker, however Raynor declined as he was too busy beating up loitering teens as a member of the San Diego police department.

Nerd Bassist to Be Fired if He Refers to Band as “A Fellowship” One More Time

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MERRILL, Ore. — Frustrated members of skatepunk band Hamstring are reportedly only giving their bassist one more chance to stop referring to the band as “a fellowship,” sources close to the group confirmed.

“It’s tough not letting it slip! There are too many similarities between the Hamstring dynamic and the one found in Tolkien’s writings! I’m honestly surprised that the rest of the fellowsh—I mean, uh, BAND doesn’t see it as well,” said bassist Vorton Mopes. “Reggie, the guitarist, gets the most mad at me, but I keep telling him he’s the Gandalf of the fellowship! Who wouldn’t want to be the Gandalf? I know I’m just a humble Samwise, but I feel he should be honored.”

Band members report wanting to distance themselves from the potentially reputation-damaging association with science fiction and fantasy.

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t go in for that geek shit. Vorton’s a great bass player, but he needs to keep all that Dungeons and Dragons stuff out of his mouth when he’s doing press. You’d think he’d listen to me since I’m the ‘Grandpalf’ or whoever he is,” said frontman Reggie Randazzi. “We’re a band, man. I’d even take ‘group’ or ‘outfit’…but ‘fellowship’ just kinda reminds me of my parents calling our gigs ‘recitals.’ I just can’t stomach it.”

Scene legend Shane “Buzzsaw” Frenette lamented that “band” is too narrow a definition for what the collective really is.

“I wouldn’t be too hasty in shrugging off the idea of calling your band a fellowship. I’m sure this Reggie kid will see the light when he’s on tour and everyone in the group has to unite their respective powers to defeat a dragon, or get to the end of a haunted labyrinth,” said Frenette. “Just like my band did back in the eighties. That was one hell of a Philly show. That’s what made the fellowship scene so great back then. Sleeping on floors, playing our tunes, and forging swords we’ll pass down to our worthy sons and daughters when the twilight of our elder years befalls us. I dunno, that’s just rock ‘n roll to me.”

At press time, Mopes specifically booked Hamstring an all ages show in Mordor, to hopefully prove his point.

Dominatrix Makes Sub Break In Her Doc Martens

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Local dominatrix Angela Jones is parading her sub around while he wears her Doc Martens in order to break in the notoriously difficult leather boots, stunned but impressed onlookers report.

“My sub Mark and I have been in a slump lately. I mean, you can only make someone clean your toilet with their head so many times before it gets old. The other day I took a walk to clear my head and I didn’t get more than half a block before my ankles started chafing, and that’s when I realized my new platform Docs would be better broken in by feet more deserving of punishment,” said Jones while threateningly caressing a riding crop. “I’ve been making him break in all my boots now. It’s really taken our relationship to the next level, but more importantly, I need those puppies comfortable enough in time for the Ultra Music Festival.”

Mark Larsson was more than willing to make life easier for his mistress at the expense of his own physical well being.

“I’d do anything for her, mostly because I get off on it. Granted, she has a pair to match each of her latex outfits, so I have a lot of work ahead of me. But I could not be happier to cram my feet into heeled boots that are three sizes too small. It builds character and strengthens our bond,” said Larsson as he changed his bandages. “People ask me why I do it, and I just smile and tell them it’s because I’m a little bitch boy who constantly disappoints his mistress. This still beats the time she made me be a human table for three days straight, though.”

Designers at Dr. Martens were surprised to hear that it took this long to discover the best method of wearing their boots.

“We’ve always felt those grueling first few weeks of wearing our products has been the price of admission for being in the alternative scene. But frankly, the concept of having someone break in a stiff pair of 1460’s for you is probably the most ideal way to do it,” said Creative Director Cynthia Perkins. “In fact, there’s a whole gig economy on Craigslist full of people who’ll wear our shoes for a few bucks a week to get them nice and soft. If they also get some kind of sexual gratification out of it, then why not smack two asses with one paddle?”

As of press time, Jones was seen making Larsson wear a second pair on his hands and walking him by a leash on all fours in order to speed up productivity.

We Sat Down with a Rockabilly Band and Now We’re in the Middle of a High-Stakes Drag Race With Nothing to Lose Daddio

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Rockabilly is the true sound of real American rebellion, the greasy-haired, reverb-heavy music that makes you want to ignore all the bad things about the 1950s like segregation and constant fear of nuclear annihilation and just have a good time.

We sat down with Deuce and the Bad Time Boys, a rockabilly group who truly live the lifestyle of their rock n’ roll forefathers, and now we’re in the passenger seat of a badass 1957 T-Bird and, daddio, we’re in a high-stakes drag race with the devil-may-care swagger of a man with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Before just this moment, we had never heard of Deuce and the Bad Time Boys’ biggest rival, a cheesed-up gang of greasers called the Royal Rock’Its from Nowheresville, USA, but now we hate them more than anyone we have ever hated in the history of the world.

When we faced off at the starting line of this drag race in a weird, featureless open-air concrete structure, we looked over at the Royal Rock’Its and, daddio, we were ready to cream that bunch of talentless kookies and their grody excuse for a screamer.

Wait, what’s a screamer? God, this is terrifying, we are going so fast, and we don’t know why we’re standing up in the back seat and throwing stuff at the other car.

This is so fucking dangerous, but baby, we got nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Holy shit, the Royal Rock’Its have huge metal spikes on the hubcaps of their wheels. Is that allowed? That seems like it should not be allowed, especially if they’re going to use them to deliberately swerve into us and like, car-stab us.

Okay, now we just turned 180 degrees in an electrifying move by Deuce, who’s the meanest cat who ever put a pick to a six-string, and it appears that we are heading back to where we started. Also, that hot lady who told us to start driving by waving her scarf seems to have disappeared. We’re probably going to die soon.

Put the pedal to the metal, Deuce! Rockabilly forever!