Justin Gordan Cooper, Author at HARDTIMES

Review: PUP “Morbid Stuff”

Posted on March 22, 2023 by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times reviews the latest and greatest in punk rock. This week we took a look at PUP’s 2019 album “Morbid Stuff” because we… wait… 2019?! Oh holy fuck!!! We are way, way far behind on our reviews.

Shit, how did this even happen? I mean, quarantine obviously didn’t help, but we’ve been using that as an excuse for a while now so we should probably figure out how we ended up reviewing an album from four years ago as a new release.

And now that we think of it, have those guys done much lately? Four years is a long time, but if they’ve been quiet since then we might be able to get away with this. Let’s just check Wikipedia quickly. They have released three other records since then! Fuck, this is so fucked up. What was the band thinking? Stop being so prolific, take a breath, adopt a dog, just stop writing music for one goddamned minute so we can figure out what the fuck we need to do.

Forget it, let’s just get something down real fast. PUP’s “Morbid Stuff” sounds like… shit, what did the album sound like. It was so long ago and we were on so much ketamine at the time, good stuff too. Never mind it sounds like early PUP… or possibly later PUP… but also with… different than both of those. Wow, that last sentence is so vague it could be a pop-country song.

Alright, alright, let’s bring this home. “Morbid Stuff” is about lots of really, really, really morbid stuff. And we’re like 30% sure that that’s true. Also, it has a very fun and colorful album cover, with knives! Pretty punk, eh? Can’t go wrong with knives. Hey real quick, remember when every hardcore band had brass knuckles in their logo? What a weird time.

Look, what do you want from us? We fucking dropped the ball on this one, okay? If you’re a fan of other PUP albums then this is also one of them. Make up your own mind while we go figure out exactly where the hell all of the time went.

SCORE: Seriously? How the hell should we know?

Nu Metal Bassist Gets All Tangled up in Floppy Detuned Strings

Posted on March 21, 2023 by Tim Graham

DUBUQUE, Iowa — Bassist Lefty García of the nu metal band Soild became entangled in his dangerously detuned strings at a recent gig, according to horrified audience members.

“I used to play in drop C and thought that sounded badass enough,” said Lefty, still in recovery from string burns. “But the rest of the band kept ridin’ me, saying, ‘Lower! Tune lower!’ So I detuned the strings until they were barely hanging on—they were just flopping around wildly as I slapped. Suddenly, my wallet chain became wrapped up in the strings. I was still trying to play and untangle the chain at the same time when my entire body got caught up, too. Eventually, I fell over, struggling to free my arms and legs from the strings. I’m definitely gonna have scars.”

Audience member Jake Crenshaw described the chaotic spectacle on stage.

“I just wanted to see Soild play, but instead I was traumatized by this terrifying scene,” said Crenshaw as he practiced vape tricks in the parking lot. “He was all fucked up in the strings, just flailing around and screaming. It honestly looked like something out of ‘Hellraiser.’ Instead of helping, the rest of the band stopped playing and stood there laughing while Lefty suffered. A few of us in the crowd shouted for someone to help him. Eventually, a guitar tech came out with wire cutters and snipped him free. Needless to say, the show was canceled.”

Ibanez recently released an extra-long scale bass which should help prevent such accidents, according to sales representative Ian Blaine.

“The extreme length of our new bass neck allows for specialized, super heavy gauge strings which can produce the lowest of notes while remaining taut,” said Blaine. “We’re targeting the nu metal scene in particular, as the bassists in that genre are constantly being pressured to tune down to unsafe levels. Of course, the new bass will take some getting used to, as the neck is nearly seven feet long and does require two people to play—one person to slap or pick while the other frets. Understandably, some bands on a tight budget might not be able to hire a second bass player for this to be practical.”

At press time, García had reportedly quit Soild, bought a nice, safe mandolin and joined a folk punk group.

Polyphonic Spree Shocks Bennigan’s Wait Staff by Asking For 25 Separate Checks in Harmony

Posted on March 21, 2023 by Chris Bratton

ELGIN, Ill. — The Texas-based orchestral pop collective The Polyphonic Spree stunned the wait staff of Bennigan’s when they requested 25 separate checks to be split among the group’s members in perfect harmony, sources who just wanted a break confirmed.

“No heads up, no phone call, not even an email from their tour manager. They all poured out of a single tour bus like clowns from a tiny car. They scampered through the door all wearing robes and each one of them had a dead-eyed smile that still gives me chills,” said waitress Jess Fogliano. “The entire time I was serving them they kept getting up to do that jumpy hippie dance, then switch seats and feed each other by hand. Which would have been fine but when I dropped off the check they sang about needing separate checks to the tune of their song ‘Light and Day.’ At least split it up by chorus, strings, and brass section or some shit. Like, you are all wearing the same fucking thing.”

Unaware of the disturbance they had produced, members of the large band fondly remembered the meal.

“Sharing a tour bus with one bathroom and twenty-five people can drain your inner self light. But then you stop for fast casual Irish pub food and you’re centered again,” said Piccolo player Austin Yerrick while counting out nickels and pennies to pay their check. “Honestly the Shamrockin’ Sangria may be the greatest cocktail on the planet, is what I thought until I tried the O’Malley’s Mojito! Two cocktails and a basket of ribs were so reasonably priced I had money left over to buy some crystals from a sidewalk vendor. The only downside is the staff didn’t let us join in on the birthday song for a six-year-old sitting at a table nearby who wouldn’t stop crying anytime one of us tried to dance with him.”

Food Sociologist Karen Bowie added insight into the relations between certain food and subcultures.

“It’s natural for what seems to be a church choir opting for food that hails from one of the most Catholic places on earth. We see it a lot with bands from California frequenting Mexican restaurants so they can complain about the burritos being better at home and how poor avocados are outside of Southern California,” said Bowie. “As far as being difficult, well I hope you never encounter a Ska band post-show at a Perkins, checkered shoes tracking scrambled eggs everywhere.”

At press time, a local ice cream shop announced they would be closing permanently after each member of the band asked for a sample and bankrupted the business.

Is My Tea Ready or Is That Just My Tinnitus?

Posted on March 21, 2023 by Kevin Tit

I’ve been going to punk and metal shows for the better part of thirty years and I’ve seen a lot of things change over time. Everything from the sound to the fashion, to the… hold on. Do you hear that? I think the tea is ready. Would you like a cup? I’ll be right back. Two seconds.

Okay. Nevermind. I forgot to turn the hot water on. Where was I? Oh yeah. The scene. It’s come a long way from where it was. I mean, when I was a kid going to shows you didn’t know if you were gonna make it out aliv- there it goes again. Damn, that water got hot fast. Excuse me for a second.

Sorry. False alarm. Y’know, to be completely honest, my tinnitus has gotten so bad that I can never tell if my tea is ready or if the eternal ringing in my brain is amplifying. It’s pretty miserable sometimes, I can’t lie. I should have worn earplugs at all those shows but I didn’t wanna look like a dweeb. I mean, it was the 90s! Nobody worried about that type of thing back then.

Thinking back, it wasn’t worth it. This condition has really ruined my life. Never in a thousand years did I expect to end up on the no-fly list. I didn’t mean to scare everyone at the airport! I really thought I heard the faint high-pitched sound of a bomb dropping out of the sky and I thought I could save hundreds of lives. And since only thirty-five people were trampled to death in the panic, I’d say the numbers support my decision to speak out.

If I could instill any advice onto the younger generation of folks going to shows it would be this: WEAR SOME DAMN EARPLUGS. Not only could it save your life but it could save others and, oh, hold on. I think my tea is ready.

The Hard Times Guide to Saying Nothing When a Young Person Discovers a Band You Like

Posted on March 21, 2023 by Tom Peters

It will happen to us all. We will see a post online or overhear a conversation in a vintage store. An excited young person will make a public declaration about a cool band they just “discovered.” One that we’ve already lived several lifetimes with, tracking their ups and downs with each release, perhaps even abandoning them forever, only to come back around again with the forgiveness that only time brings. It can be tempting to speak up and tell the Wednesdays of the world that the “new” band they’re falling in love with actually belonged to you first.

That’s why we’ve put together these step-by-step instructions on how to not do that. This is the Hard Times guide to saying nothing when a young person discovers a band you like.

Step 1: Don’t Say Anything
This is always the hardest one to get right. How can you resist explaining to a Stranger Things fan that you’ve listened to Metallica for so long that you only like “Master Of Puppets” ironically now? Simple: Shut the fuck up. Just let people enjoy things and try to remember what that feels like. Besides, young people don’t need any extra help thinking you’re old.

Step 2: Be Quiet
Okay, you’ve made it through step one. The hard part’s over. But how will everyone know you’ve got an original pressing of the latest TikTok trend on vinyl? This one’s tricky, but it looks like the answer is still shutting the fuck up. It turns out that younger generations don’t share in your object fetishization, so the gate you’re keeping has already turned to dust. Just keep quiet and go back home to your precious possessions and be happy that your records will go on to make someone happy long after you’re gone, or whenever you decide to sell them.

Step 3: Did You See Them Live? Doesn’t Matter, Stop Talking
Quite possibly the highest form of clout to lord over a burgeoning music fan is having seen a band live in their heyday. But unfortunately this, too, is meaningless. There’s no magic that rubbed off on you because you got drunk in the same room as a cool band. Frank Stallone saw the Velvet Underground live and look what happened to him. Just write down whatever you were going to say and post it in a YouTube comment where it belongs.

Step 4: Keep Shutting The Fuck Up
Time to take everything you’ve learned and get out there and leave everybody alone. It might feel like your favorite music is a precious resource and that new fans enjoying it the wrong way will take away from how much it means to you. But for them to gain doesn’t mean you have to lose. Fandom isn’t a zero-sum game. Just be happy that your favorite bands are living on through new fans and the magical life experiences they’ll be soundtracking.

Gen Z-er Refers to Album That Saved Your Life as “Content”

Posted on March 20, 2023 by Mark Hassenfratz

NEW YORK – Local 22-year-old Jacob Alvarez described your all-time favorite album, which you routinely credit with saving your life, as an interesting piece of “content,” multiple aghast witnesses confirmed.

“It’s not fucking ‘content,’ it’s art about pain and truth! It got me through the darkest periods of my entire life!” you said, clenching your fists while trying and failing to fight back tears. “Would you call the Mona Lisa ‘content’? Is the Coliseum ‘content’? ‘Full Collapse’ got me through every breakup I had in college and I listened to it every time I cried in the shower during that three-year streak where I was unemployed. I’ve been blasting that album on my car’s shitty stereo driving home from minimum wage jobs since before these fucking zoomers were spilling Cheerios on their first iPad.”

Despite your teary pushback, Alvarez continued to defend their love of Thursday.

“Yeah, Geoff Rickley is probably one of my favorite content creators right now. Apparently, he’s got a novel coming out, which I guess is some long-form content printed on paper and bound together and you actually read it page by page. It sounds trippy,” said Cladge. “I’ve actually been getting into that whole era of music lately. I’ve been playing my dad’s vintage copy of ‘Tony Hawk Pro Skater.’ I just wish these bands would tour more often. You’ve gotta constantly be producing stuff if you want to reach all of your followers these days.”

As millennials enter their late middle age, these generational divides are becoming more pronounced.

“Surprisingly, Gen Z has been pretty good for business,” said Ricky Barret, owner, and manager of Noise Factory Record Store. “Kids will come here to buy a $30 LP so they can hear a seven-second clip of a song that went viral on TikTok. Lots of them are finding that music sounds a lot better coming out of nice speakers as opposed to their waxy AirPods. I just wish these little twerps would stop asking me when lo-fi beats to study/relax to is getting a vinyl pressing.”

At press time, Alvarez caused you further emotional distress when he suggested you check out the movie “Napoleon Dynamite,” a movie he claimed he had just discovered and “should be talked about more.”

We Reviewed Our Sister’s Wedding Playlist and Now Our Mom Is Asking Us To Apologize

Posted on March 20, 2023 by Neel Bhakta

It’s not every day that you get to see your little sister’s fifth wedding. The sight of her rounding the corner and walking down the aisle is a moment that will stick with you for the rest of your life. And as her older brother, it is my ultimate responsibility to make sure everything is 100% perfect. Having said that, I regret to announce that my sister’s wedding playlist is complete dogshit.

It began with way too much Ed Sheeran. I thought we were listening to a 17-minute song by that British freak, but it turns out it was 6 different songs! Listen, I’m not one of those loser music snobs that hates pop music, I’m just one of those cool guys that insults pop music every chance I get.

I understand everyone has different music tastes. I thought for sure Every Thug Needs a Lady by Alkaline Trio would be played but nope. Hell, I even offered to go get my acoustic guitar and play it live but apparently, my dad would take me out of his will or whatever. I guess all those years of forcing my sister to listen to the Psychobilly station on Pandora never taught her anything about what true love is.

After the Ed Sheeran section finished, some other mediocre White singer-songwriter started crooning about some “feeling your heartbeat” shit. I took matters into my own hands and I found the guy in control of the playlist and had to bribe the asshole to play something punk. Then he had the fucking gall to look me in the eyes and queue up a Coldplay song like that’s what I wanted! To make it worse, it wasn’t even Parachutes Coldplay, it was that god-awful Ghost Stories shit.

And now, our mother is forcing me to apologize for complaining. I’m sorry, but when did she become the moral authority on music criticism? This is the same woman who thinks The Beatles are better than the Rolling Stones, her opinion belongs in the trash next to all the fondant flowers from the cake.

You know, come to think of it, that wedding fucking sucked. Music was garbage, no pins and patches policy on suits, I even had to go out and buy a dress shirt because I wasn’t allowed to wear my badass Jeff Rosenstock tank top.

Fuck it, I think I’m gonna go get married out of spite. I’ll even get the band back together so me and the boys can finally play in front of an audience that’s obligated to stay for the majority of the set.

Radiologist Queues up Demo for Unsuspecting MRI Patient

Posted on March 20, 2023 by Joanna McNaney Stein

NEW YORK — Radiologist and sludge metal rocker Rory Hanson took his future into his own hands on Monday morning when he played his demo CD for an unsuspecting MRI patient, sources who asked to postpone their appointments as a result confirmed.

“The patient looked just like the famous record producer Clive Davis, so I thought this was my chance,” said Hanson, who was recently given a warning that he’d be stripped of his radiology license if he kept playing his original music. “Turns out, you’re not supposed to play your demo CD through the MRI machine, but this was my Beatles’ rooftop moment. Wait, they were already mega famous, so that’s not exactly the same, but you know what I mean. It was like my ‘before they were famous’ Beatles moment. Consider me the Pete Best of radiology.”

Unsuspecting MRI patient Siro Baresi admits he is often confused for a famous record executive before noninvasive medical examinations.

“For the record, I’m not in the music business. I’m just a regular old guy who wears transition lenses. I probably could have avoided all of this if that guy saw that I drove up in a 2004 Saturn with 350,000 miles on it,” explained Baresi while adjusting his glasses. “When it was happening, I just thought the MRI machine was busted or something, but then the kid kept asking ‘You dig it, man? You dig it?’ The good news is, they didn’t find a tumor, but the bad news is I will never get that horrible music out of my head. Not sure which is worse.”

Facility compliance officer Karmela Bai was completing her annual review of the radiology department when she heard loud music coming from the MRI room.

“I immediately knew what was happening,” said Bai while taking an aspirin. “Unfortunately these occurrences are fairly common. Our research shows that 8 out of 10 people with radiology degrees are musicians just hoping for their big break. The other two are usually actors hoping they get to do radiology work on big-time directors. That’s why you see most patients leave here with a hefty bill and a copy of the radiologist’s headshot.”

At press time, Hanson was seen writing a new song called “Ethics Violation,” based on his recent experience, which he couldn’t wait to debut during his next shift.

Five Classic Hot Rods That Can Drive You Straight Out of Your Nightmare Marriage

Posted on March 20, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

If there’s anything more American than a bitchin’ classic hot rod, it’s an overwhelming, constant desire to escape that nightmare your marriage become by any means necessary.

Thanks to these kings of the highway, you can hit the road in style and drive away forever, never having to think about whether all of this is because you cannot truly let yourself be known or loved, because, baby, these automobiles are just too powerful for that.

1. Ford Thunderbird 1971: Only 36,055 of these were ever built, and every single one has the 429 cubic inch V8 engine necessary to transport you away from the home that you thought you had built, but a voice inside tells you you were always planning to destroy. Fun fact, Neiman Marcus offered a special “his” and “hers” version of these cars, but you sure as hell don’t need that!

2. Lamborghini Miura 1966: This classic car has a clocked max speed of 171 miles per hour, exactly the speed to drown out the sounds of your own sobs as you realize you’re doing it, you’re really doing it. Of all the petty manipulations you ever pulled in your marriage, this is the pettiest.

Yeah, you really did it now. Rev that engine!

3. Bugatti Type 57 Atlantic 1938: This “Aérolithe” concept by Jean Bugatti is considered one of the sleekest and sexiest designs in all of automotive history, and brother, they’re not wrong. What is wrong is waking up every day and feeling like something is broken, but not knowing how to fix it. That kind of wrong will kill a spirit… and a marriage.

4. Ferrari 250 GTO 1962: You didn’t think you were going to get out of here without feasting your eyes on a Ferrari, did you? Strangely enough, everyone who has ever bought this car did it because of their ability to maintain a relationship had collapsed under the pressure of daily arguments, hidden bottles of cheap brandy, and simmering resentment. Now you can too!

5. Aston Martin DB5 1964: This is the car that James Bond drove. His marriage ended in her death, but still less emotionally damaging than yours.

Black Metal Parents Keep Pestering Daughter to Give Them Grandkids to Sacrifice

Posted on March 19, 2023 by Bobby Korec

FRENCH LICK, Ind. — Local black metal parents Suzanne and Dmitri Ubnatern are persistent in asking their 30-year-old daughter to give them grandchildren to metaphorically sacrifice, hesitant sources confirmed.

“I just want to be blessed with grandkids so I can finally know what it’s like to truly love a child. Also, we need to sacrifice something in the name of metal every now and then to keep up appearances,” said the father of three. “Sure, I don’t mean traditional sacrifice in an Old Testament sense. No one does that anymore. Instead, I’m thinking in terms of applying corpse paint to the baby’s face and blasting nothing but brutal metal from Norway as a way to indoctrinate them into what I like. With children, I always find it easier to push your own interests onto them. That being said, our daughter should really be thinking about us and our needs from time to time.”

Maxine Ubnatern was not having any of her parents’ requests to reproduce.

“I’m very much turned off by the idea of having kids right now and it’s not just because my parents keep using words like ‘ritualistic’ and ‘sacrificial’ when they ask,” said the child-free daughter. “I’m just not ready emotionally, mentally, and financially to raise anything. Maybe I’ll be all caught up and mature enough by the time I’m in my 70s. Besides, why can’t my parents be normal music fans where no one is ceremonially offered up to a divine spirit of metal? I would almost prefer they be super into Rush. Say what you will about the prog rock community, but not one of them is sacrificing humans in their spare time.”

Family counselor Doug Framerson sees this sort of relational clash all the time.

“Parents kind of need to let their adult children make their own life-altering decisions,” said Framerson. “Either that or let the economy make it for them, which is more typically the case nowadays. You see, more and more young people are not so much choosing not to have kids, but having that choice made for them thanks to unaffordable housing, stagnant wages, and a blistering combination of student, medical, and consumer debts. Long gone are the days when you can raise a bunch of kids on one salary.”

At press time, the Ubnatern parents decided to pivot and ask their daughter when she’s going to get married to a tall, dark, and handsome metalhead.

Each week The Hard Times reviews the latest and greatest in punk rock. This week we took a look at PUP’s 2019 album “Morbid Stuff” because we… wait… 2019?! Oh holy fuck!!! We are way, way far behind on our reviews.

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