Review: The Callous Daoboys “Celebrity Therapist”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Each week The Hard Times looks over the crop of current artists and decides whether to make or break their career with one of our reviews. This week we look at “Celebrity Therapist” the sophomore full-length from The Callous Daoboys.

As the Hard Times resident genre expert/gatekeeper, I eagerly volunteered my services to review the latest from The Callous Daoboys. After all, the Atlanta six-piece are known for their adventurous sound and I’m known for inventing the term “industrial pisscore.”

As the opening track (“Violent Astrology”) haphazardly lurched its way through various time changes and tonal shifts, I quickly realized this was no ordinary mathcore album. It was clear the band would be incorporating liberal doses of nu-metal, jazz, and even West Coast rap. Also, I was pretty sure I could make out some backmasked Hungarian chanting and the sound of someone signing into AOL 3.0.

Still, it’s been done before, hasn’t it? Many bands have made careers mashing up subgenres and experimenting with form. Look no further than Korn’s magnificent dubstep album, or that time Avenged Sevenfold released their own line of chardonnay. Did it decimate my sperm count? Sure, but I still admired the bold provocation of it.

But, moving on to songs like “Beautiful Dude Missile” and “Title Track,” I was relieved the Daoboys weren’t merely delivering another deconstructed metalcore album. No, you see, “Celebrity Therapist” is far more ambitious. In fact, it seemed to travel through time itself, moving from post-hardcore to hardcore to pre-hardcore. By the album’s conclusion, I didn’t even know what the fuck a guitar was anymore.

Refusing to be constrained by previously identified genres, the Daoboys appeared to shatter the very expectations of music as an auditory experience. Was I reviewing a metal album, or watching an 80s buddy cop action movie? Was this a transgressive masterpiece, or an established part of the Shondaland metaverse? Was I listening to music, or suffering some sort of stroke? Who’s to say?

Still, enough can be enough. By the time the album closer (“Star Baby“) came around, I was wondering just how many times the band could subject us to a pulverizing breakdown followed by the stirring harmonies of the Harlem Boys Choir. If you ask me, even once was pushing it. Yet, I had to appreciate the audacity of “Celebrity Therapist,” even if I hated listening to it. Sometimes that’s what being a music critic is all about.

Score: 512 out of 534 Mike Pattons

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Crowd Suspicious of Folk Punk Band With Perfect Teeth

Posted on by Zach Hudson

LINCOLN, Neb. — Showgoers watching supposed folk punk band One Eyed Paul & The Picket Line perform voiced their suspicions about the group’s credibility due to the fact that all eight members have picture perfect smiles and very good hygiene in general, confirmed suspicious sources.

“They sound good and everything, but the fact they all smell freshly showered makes me believe they are a bunch of posers,” said fan Shane “Scuz” Finnigan. “They all claim they used to be vagabonds and ride around on trains and stuff, but I’ve never met a single vagabond with all of their teeth, let alone eight of them who all have 32 shiny, perfect ones. None of them have even lit up on stage, and none of them have any stick and poke face tattoos. I love their music but this is bullshit.”

Members of the band were quick to shoot down any accusations against their legitimacy.

“Judging someone’s appearance isn’t very punk rock, but if we are judging based on appearances, every single person at our show looks questionable if you ask me,” said accordion, washboard, and trombone player Caitlin “Spoon” Wilks. “Just because we all chain-smoke, sleep on the ground, and drift from town to town doesn’t mean we can’t practice good oral hygiene and use Crest 3D White Strips. And the audience tonight could learn a thing or two about that. We love our fans but based on the looks of some of them we’re gonna start selling toothbrushes at the merch table.”

Local dentist and live music enthusiast Scott Sturgil, who was also in attendance, sided with other showgoers questioning the band’s legitimacy.

“They have all absolutely had work done, no doubt about it. You don’t get teeth that straight without years of braces or aligners,” said Sturgil. “I used to work at a free clinic, I’ve worked on plenty of former folk punk musicians and people who live a vagabond lifestyle, and their teeth are usually stinky little brown nubs. So between that and the fact that they all clearly know how to play their instruments well, yes, my official stance is that they are posers.”

Sources who attended the show reported that after their set, they saw the band sneaking back to a brand new Mercedes tour van that didn’t have a single sticker on it, further confirming their suspicions.

We Are the Granddaughters of the Witches You Couldn’t Burn and We’re Holding You Responsible for Our Therapy Bills

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The patriarchy has always tried to destroy what it does not understand. For millennia, the ignorant in society have attempted to destroy those close to the rhythms of nature. Those who hold the knowledge that eludes science. The witchy women who know how to convene with the forces of nature and also how to craft the perfect passive-aggressive comment about your outfit that will hex you with anxiety for the rest of the afternoon.

We are the granddaughters of the witches you could not burn. We are the outspoken. We are the out-cast. Most importantly, we are the out-of-pocket payers for our mental health needs, for which we demand to be compensated.

You tried to scoff at ancient wisdom, the medicine of the Earth, and the voices of the winds themselves. In your arrogance, you chose heartless doctors over midwives of empathy. For centuries, you chose the words of misogynistic medicine men over the intuition of your mothers. Given all that, it seems like you could have been more comprehensive in recognizing the universal need for non-physical healthcare. We were correct in our beliefs about the health of the spirit and its need for care. So at the very least, let our sessions count towards our deductible.

Seriously, talk to Dr. Sheila, who we have seen twice a week for fifteen years. She can tell you how holistic medicine and ancestral wisdom are great, but that there is no replacement for seeing a mental health professional. By the way, here is Dr. Sheila’s payment portal information.

Alternatively, you could have just burned all the suspected witches when you had the chance. Then maybe our grandmothers wouldn’t have been alive to criticize us every chance they got. It would have saved us a Hell of a lot of co-pays.

Son, It’s Time We Talk About the Birds and the Bees but Not Too Loudly Because They’re Government Surveillance Drones

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey bud. Can we talk a minute? I think you’re old enough where we can talk man to man about something everyone at your age should know about. Let’s keep our voices down though because I need to talk to you about the birds and the bees. Particularly about how they’re actually government surveillance drones. Also, close those shades.

Now I’m sure they’ve already told you about this in school, but it’s important you hear this from your father. They haven’t?! Looks like just another case of tax dollars not going to education, but instead to the shadow government that controls this country. This is exactly why I’ve been telling your mother you should’ve been home-schooled. Oh, and keep your voice down so she doesn’t hear this either. She’s been in a real “mood” lately.

I’ll break it down for you as simply as I can: when a man and woman love each other very much, the man removes all pollinating plants and trees from his property to prevent government spy drones disguised as insects and migratory birds from monitoring his personal political views. I don’t think that’s too difficult to wrap your mind around. By your age, you should be mature enough to handle learning how the world works.

I do realize this is a lot to take in. I too once thought the world’s flora and fauna were that of the natural world. But the truth is all of America’s birds were slowly swapped out with robot lookalikes who surveil our every move, while the bees plant tracking devices in our yard. I know it sounds like a stretch but it’s laid out clearly in that pamphlet that was left on our car at Kroger.

Listen, do you hear that? It’s chirping! They’re right outside pinging our location. That golden finch came straight out of an NSA black site. And to think your mother was complaining when I spent all that money on pigeon spikes for the house instead of fixing the plumbing.

Alright, new plan kiddo. From here on out we communicate with hand signals. I don’t think they’ve mastered ASL yet. Let’s head down to the basement and after we kill all the Obama-controlled ants down there, we can continue this discussion. I love you, son.

Dietary Restrictions Explained to Parents for 15th Time Today

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

PLATTSBURGH, N.Y. – Local graduate student Andi Engler recently explained her dietary restrictions to her parents for a record-breaking 15 times in a single visit, sources who don’t know how to make this any more clear report.

“I swear to God dude, every time we see each other, they ask about what I eat like I haven’t said it a thousand times. It’s no meat, no dairy. I’m not even a real vegan,” said an exasperated Engler. “Within literally the same day my mom will ask if I’m ‘gluten-free now’ and then offer a hamburger with cheese for dinner. The answer is no to both of these. It’s not hard to remember. This has been my diet for eight years at this point, but honestly, I’m tempted to just throw that all away and eat the frozen IKEA meatballs my dad just got me as ‘a gift’ to make things easier.”

Engler’s mother Joanne offered her side of the story.

“Now, before you judge me for being old-school or something like that, you have to realize that Andi has always been a bit wishy-washy,” said Mrs. Engler while Googling keto-friendly recipes for some reason. “I just can’t keep up with all her changes. Every time we speak she’s doing something new with her dietary restrictions. I’m trying to be supportive and make accommodations, I really am, but at some point, she’s got to realize that her father and I are going to need a written notice of exactly what she can and can’t eat before she comes over for dinner.”

Alan Flemming, a nutritionist, weighed in with his expertise regarding this parent-child relationship.

“Ah, yes, this is certainly a known syndrome,” Flemming said while subtly tapping the cover of his own book. “Even if the child’s diet in question is very simple, and in fact is simpler than one of the parents who refuses to eat vegetables and anything ‘processed,’ the parent will without fail be completely incapable of remembering said diet. The child could literally tattoo LACTOSE INTOLERANT onto their forehead and they still wouldn’t get it. But I’m not hopeless about the future. More and more young people are becoming vegan, and as millennials themselves become parents, we may see a shift. I just pray that the young adults of tomorrow stop doing the meat-only thing and that Jordan Peterson’s cursed influence is truly a thing of the past.”

At press time, Engler was seen writing the very notice that her mother requested in triplicate.

Woman Awakens From Coma With Ability to Understand Converge Vocals

Posted on by Tim Graham

STILLWATER, Okla. — Local woman Jenny Cassavetes was suddenly able to understand words sung by Converge vocalist Jacob Bannon after regaining consciousness from a two-week coma, according to stunned sources among the hospital staff.

“My boyfriend brought a Bluetooth speaker to the rehab so we could listen to music while I was recuperating,” said the convalescing Cassavetes. “He put on Converge and I was like, ‘Wow, I can actually understand what he’s saying.’ I love Converge, but usually the vocals just sound like a dyspeptic sea lion barking into a 55 gallon drum. It’s pretty cool to actually hear the words and know what Bannon is singing about. It’s not just Converge, either. I’m now able to understand garbled lyrics from all kinds of heavy bands. You’d be surprised at how poetic Lightning Bolt’s lyrics actually are.”

Gordon Stuckman, owner of extreme music label Rat Dick Records, reached out to Cassavetes to offer her a job transcribing lyrics from obscure metal and hardcore releases that the label plans to reissue.

“A big problem with reissuing old, out of print albums is that sometimes the lyrics are unintelligible, so there’s no way to include a lyrics sheet,” said Stuckman from somewhere behind a desk piled high with records. “Cassavetes has demonstrated an uncanny talent to decipher the most guttural of utterances. We have a huge backlog of old black metal, grind, and power violence recordings that we need help with.”

Neurologist Dr. Kip Berger explained that while rare, what happened to Cassavetes is not without precedent.

“We’ve all heard stories about someone waking up from a coma and being able to spontaneously speak German, for example,” said Dr. Berger. “But sometimes we encounter music-related cases like Ms. Cassavetes’. I once had a patient come to me with the remarkable ability to understand what The Fall’s Mark E. Smith was prattling on about. Recently, I read about a case where an Indonesian man could name every Guided By Voices release—including Robert Pollard solo projects—after being struck on the head with a coconut.”

At press time, Cassavetes was spotted having a nice conversation with Shane MacGowan, seemingly being able to understand every word The Pogues’ frontman was slurring.

We Sat Down With an Electric Skateboarder to Ask Why He Doesn’t Like Having Sex

Posted on by Dom Turek

Have you ever been pushing around on a regular skateboard and thought, “I wish I could eliminate all sex appeal from skating while maintaining the risk of grave physical injury?” Well, you might want to read on because we risked being seen with electric skateboarder, James Baumber, to find out why he chose this lifestyle over sex.

The Hard Times: Thanks for sitting down with us. Did someone give you the wrong time? You’re two hours early.

James Baumer: No, the Evolve V3 all-terrain e-board gets me from point A to point B pretty quickly. Sometimes too quickly.

How fast were you going? There are a bunch of bugs splattered on your wrap-around sunglasses.

She goes about 40 mph, but if I add a second motor I can probably get her up to 42.

Cool. Some people feel skating is as much an art form as it is a sport. Do you feel electric skateboards cheapen skate culture?

If skating on wheels that look like they belong on a Hasbro Tonka truck cheapens the scene, then yeah, lock me up. If getting to CVS in two minutes flat with the wind in my hair and not a single solitary woman glancing in my direction cheapens the “culture,” I’m guilty as charged. Just because it has the maneuverability of a kayak doesn’t mean it lacks the capabilities of a classic board.

If you possess the qualities that allow a person to skate, like balance and fearlessness, why don’t you just ride a regular skateboard and get laid?

What do you mean? I literally do IT all the time.

What do you mean by “it?”

You know, S-E-X. Honk her boobs, kiss the top of her head where her hair parts. Blow on the clitoris. All the normal stuff sex-having guys like me do.

When was the last time you had sex?

This morning.

What’s her name?

George Glass.

We ended the interview there as it was getting too sad. Not only was Mr. Baumber the least sexually appealing person on Earth at this point, but his fictional partner was a gender-swapped 50-year-old reference, making it likely that he doesn’t interact with anyone at all.

Schrödinger’s Uncle Both World War II Buff and Holocaust Denier

Posted on by Tom K

BOSTON — Local uncle Harvey Sumwade amassed national attention after gaining prominence for his encyclopedic knowledge of World War II while also being a staunch Holocaust denier, embarrassed relatives confirmed.

“I’ve never been the type of person to just believe whatever I read. And all these books, documentaries, and first-hand accounts of the Holocaust seem suspect. Any amount of agreement between that many people is a conspiracy,” said Sumwade while putting the finishing touches on a North American B-25B Mitchell model airplane. “But I know a lot of people who agree with me because I stick to the facts. Hitler was an idiot and dangerously unfit for office. Among his greatest blunders was falling for Operation Bodyguard. Allies were never going to invade Pas-de-Calais and everyone knew it. The blood of millions of Germans are on his hands…soldiers, that is.”

Sumwade’s nephew, who prefers to remain anonymous, commented on the complicated relationship with his soon-to-be-estranged uncle.

“It’s objectively incredible how much he can recall about global conflict in the 20th century,” said the young man. “It’s even more incredible how all that knowledge can be expertly coerced around such trash takes. My uncle will tell you any little thing that happened in that time period except the one big thing that everybody knows happened, and changed the world’s demographics for generations to come. It’s scientifically fascinating; his existence is conceptually impossible, yet surprisingly common in his age range.”

Recent research from The Institute for Insufferable Geriatrics has noted an alarming epidemic of “Early-Onset Holocaust Denial” in otherwise healthy and insightful World War II buffs.

“The IIG advises all tertiary relatives of susceptible individuals to be on the lookout for warning signs. What may start as simple attention-seeking behavior like saying ‘I’m sure some people died, but the numbers don’t add up’ may progress into a full-on contrarian assholery driven by appropriated culture war rhetoric,” said Community Outreach Coordinator Blake Wilson. “When most people stopped giving a shit about World War II history disenfranchised aficionados were forced to come to terms with their reduced role in society. Subsequently, their brains deal with the rejection by subconsciously planting the seeds for history to repeat itself, thereby granting themselves a renewed purpose. The fastest way to do that? Holocaust denial.”

Critics of Sumwade’s message have labeled it “wildly miscalculated,” “dangerous,” and “borderline senile,” to which he responds “the more I repeat it, the more I believe it—Winston Churchill.”

“The Last of Us” VFX Artist Cites Uncle’s Fucked Up Toe as Inspiration

Posted on by Tim Graham

LOS ANGELES — Lance Martinez, VFX artist for “The Last of Us” cited his uncle’s notoriously disgusting toe as inspiration for the hit show’s fungal-infected zombies, according to nauseated sources.

“I was too chicken to ask my Uncle Glenn if I could study his fungus-riddled toe for the show, so I offered to come by under the pretense of chatting about the 2020 election,” said Martinez. “I brought over a case of Keystone and some really salty pretzels. He leaned back in his La-Z-Boy, and my quarry was in sight—all I had to do was wait. After a couple hours of him draining beers and rambling about the Deep State, he finally passed out. I managed to get some great macro shots of his hideous digit. My art director nearly vomited when I showed him.”

Martinez’s uncle eventually found out about the scheme when HBO asked him to sign a release form before the show aired.

“I don’t know why Lance didn’t ask me up front,” said Glenn Martinez while soaking his feet in a vinegar solution. “I’m actually proud that my toe inspired all that cool zombie apocalypse shit. It’s a great show, too. I really identified with that Bill character. At least until… well, you know. Anyhow, I told Lance I’ve got a ton of other unexplained infections happening on or inside my body that he might be interested in using. I sent him a picture of my pilonidal cyst but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet.”

UC Berkeley mycologist Susan Ward said that she and her colleagues are excited about the interest their field is receiving as a result of the show’s success.

“We mycologists don’t often get a lot of attention. When we do, it’s usually just Vice asking about psilocybin again ” said Ward as she studied something revolting under her microscope. “I’m always trying to raise awareness of the danger of fungal foot infections as a vector for more serious disease. I’d argue that the premise of ‘The Last of Us’ would work just as well—if not better—if the fungal plague originated with mutated toe fungus rather than tainted flour. They could show, like, a scene of some guy’s toenail clipping flying into someone’s salad, and that starts it all.”

At press time, Martinez was collecting photos of Shane McGowan’s mouth to reference for the creature in the upcoming “Malignant” sequel.

BREAKING: Your Back After That Failed Kickflip

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

LOS ANGELES — After an ambitious attempt at a simple flatground kickflip, it appears that you have absolutely broken your back, sources wincing sympathetically confirm.

“Oh, Jesus Christ, oh my god, I think I broke or sprained something,” you moaned in pain while rolling around on the unforgiving asphalt covered in tree sap and bird shit. “Fuck me, okay, no I’m totally fine, I just—I just gotta shake it off. It’s uh, been a minute since I went out to skate and I’m a little bit rusty. I’m not 23 anymore, apparently. I figured I’d at least have some muscle memory and not completely fucking eat shit on my first attempt, but I guess I was wrong. And worst of all, an unbelievably gorgeous woman totally saw me beef it. God dammit, I’m going to be on the couch for a week after this.”

The ethereally beautiful bystander gave her record of events.

“I was walking by, the wind blowing through my luscious black hair, looking utterly otherworldly and deeply pretty as always, when I heard this horrible crash and a grunt of pain,” Elena Marquez said, looking genuinely concerned. “I looked over and saw the wreckage, this fully-grown adult in beat-up sneakers, writhing on the ground while their skateboard rolled away. At first, I thought they had been mugged by skateboarding teens, but then I realized they were actually attempting to skateboard at such an advanced age. I felt really bad, so I went over to check on them, and was waved off with a gruff ‘I’m good, I’m totally fine,’ even though I’m almost certain they were quietly dialing for an ambulance.  I was already running late for my first modeling photo shoot of the day, so I needed to get going.”

Dr. Alan Wakefield, an ER doctor, provided his expert insight into recent accidents like yours.

“These aging punks really think they’re invincible,” Wakefield said while reviewing his back-to-back stack of patient charts for the afternoon. “You wouldn’t believe how many folks in their late 30s I get in here with sprained ankles, slipped discs, dislocated shoulders, you name it. I actually am considering getting a distributor deal for the hospital for knee braces with Toy Machine stickers already on them for the older skateboard crowd. I give out like, 15 of those a week.”

At press time, you were realizing you don’t have health insurance and decided to treat your back injury with a bag of frozen peas instead.