NEW YORK – Local 22-year-old Jacob Alvarez described your all-time favorite album, which you routinely credit with saving your life, as an interesting piece of “content,” multiple aghast witnesses confirmed.
“It’s not fucking ‘content,’ it’s art about pain and truth! It got me through the darkest periods of my entire life!” you said, clenching your fists while trying and failing to fight back tears. “Would you call the Mona Lisa ‘content’? Is the Coliseum ‘content’? ‘Full Collapse’ got me through every breakup I had in college and I listened to it every time I cried in the shower during that three-year streak where I was unemployed. I’ve been blasting that album on my car’s shitty stereo driving home from minimum wage jobs since before these fucking zoomers were spilling Cheerios on their first iPad.”
Despite your teary pushback, Alvarez continued to defend their love of Thursday.
“Yeah, Geoff Rickley is probably one of my favorite content creators right now. Apparently, he’s got a novel coming out, which I guess is some long-form content printed on paper and bound together and you actually read it page by page. It sounds trippy,” said Cladge. “I’ve actually been getting into that whole era of music lately. I’ve been playing my dad’s vintage copy of ‘Tony Hawk Pro Skater.’ I just wish these bands would tour more often. You’ve gotta constantly be producing stuff if you want to reach all of your followers these days.”
As millennials enter their late middle age, these generational divides are becoming more pronounced.
“Surprisingly, Gen Z has been pretty good for business,” said Ricky Barret, owner, and manager of Noise Factory Record Store. “Kids will come here to buy a $30 LP so they can hear a seven-second clip of a song that went viral on TikTok. Lots of them are finding that music sounds a lot better coming out of nice speakers as opposed to their waxy AirPods. I just wish these little twerps would stop asking me when lo-fi beats to study/relax to is getting a vinyl pressing.”
At press time, Alvarez caused you further emotional distress when he suggested you check out the movie “Napoleon Dynamite,” a movie he claimed he had just discovered and “should be talked about more.”