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Nu Metal Bassist Gets All Tangled up in Floppy Detuned Strings

DUBUQUE, Iowa — Bassist Lefty García of the nu metal band Soild became entangled in his dangerously detuned strings at a recent gig, according to horrified audience members.

“I used to play in drop C and thought that sounded badass enough,” said Lefty, still in recovery from string burns. “But the rest of the band kept ridin’ me, saying, ‘Lower! Tune lower!’ So I detuned the strings until they were barely hanging on—they were just flopping around wildly as I slapped. Suddenly, my wallet chain became wrapped up in the strings. I was still trying to play and untangle the chain at the same time when my entire body got caught up, too. Eventually, I fell over, struggling to free my arms and legs from the strings. I’m definitely gonna have scars.”

Audience member Jake Crenshaw described the chaotic spectacle on stage.

“I just wanted to see Soild play, but instead I was traumatized by this terrifying scene,” said Crenshaw as he practiced vape tricks in the parking lot. “He was all fucked up in the strings, just flailing around and screaming. It honestly looked like something out of ‘Hellraiser.’ Instead of helping, the rest of the band stopped playing and stood there laughing while Lefty suffered. A few of us in the crowd shouted for someone to help him. Eventually, a guitar tech came out with wire cutters and snipped him free. Needless to say, the show was canceled.”

Ibanez recently released an extra-long scale bass which should help prevent such accidents, according to sales representative Ian Blaine.

“The extreme length of our new bass neck allows for specialized, super heavy gauge strings which can produce the lowest of notes while remaining taut,” said Blaine. “We’re targeting the nu metal scene in particular, as the bassists in that genre are constantly being pressured to tune down to unsafe levels. Of course, the new bass will take some getting used to, as the neck is nearly seven feet long and does require two people to play—one person to slap or pick while the other frets. Understandably, some bands on a tight budget might not be able to hire a second bass player for this to be practical.”

At press time, García had reportedly quit Soild, bought a nice, safe mandolin and joined a folk punk group.